Where I'm at

I'm trying to focus on me right now. For the last couple of years since my ex-fiance and I broke up I have been desperately trying to please and/or find another man. This has not served me well. In fact, it has distracted me, and prevented me from fully functioning and reaching my desired goals...It has led me down a self destructive path of self loathing, partying, and depression...fuck that. It's time for me now.

So here's what I'm doing:

1) going back to school this summer...I'm going to try and get a second bachelor's degree in nursing (the first one was in art 10 years ago)...I was accepted at a local college as a post-bac pre-nursing major...just gotta take 6 more classed, do well in them, and then I'm in the program...

2) trying not to let my problems hold me back. I have a disability (depression, anxiety, bulimia, and hairpulling)...but maybe if I was self sufficient it would be good for my self esteem, and these problems would lessen...I am pretty damn sure there have been people with greater obstacles who have achieved more. Let them be an inspiration to me and others :)

3) trying to be ok with being alone. I need to focus on me now. I can't make anyone else happy if I am not ok with myself. If the man of my dreams walks into my life, I won't push him away, but i AM NOT ON THE HUNT. I need to try to improve me...too much wasted time the last few years on others...

4) leading a healthier lifestyle...I'm exercizing a lot, taking vitamins, and partying less...not hanging so much with my alcoholic ex is helping with this-- I've made new friends who are healthier for me

5) trying not to be such a perfectionist. Being ok is good enough. I just want to be content with moments of happiness...I don't have to be Picasso..I just want to be self sufficient, and perhaps have a hubby??? Later though, I understand :)

we will see how this all goes...

Time to Focus on Myself

Another heartbreak. This time I feel in love with my best friend of 2 years. We had hooked up on and off for 1.5 years, and were also roomates for a year. I developed feelings for him, and appeared that he was starting to, but I messed it up by going out drinking all the time with an ex. I made some serious mistakes. I have regrets, and once again, just when I thought I found "the one," I am on my own again...I thought it would be a good time to once again acess what I want:

1) financial independence (get a good career, and off of disability)--perhaps in the medical field

2) stop obsessing about men who dont' want me

3) more productive as an artist-- complete more, adn get more shows/galleries/representation, etc...

4) fall in love and grow old with someone

5) be true to myself, do what I love, and not things to please others

A New Sense of Chill...

I feel slightly calm for the first time since high school...so that would be like 15 years...I can contribute this to a few factors:

1) accepting that I'm pretty much on my own...gotta figure shit out (single for the
first time in a decade-- it's forcing me to grow a pair)...
2) got disability back...a very small amount of money, but at least I can pay rent, I
sometimes feel badly/guilty about this, but I know I can't hold a job (based on my
issues)...I don't want it to be this way forever, but I am thankful for what I have
now...
3) accepted that I am who I am, I am where I am, am not perfect..but trying to improve
4) I am a "late bloomer"...I've had problems, a lot of help, but I hope for a better
future...I'm not giving up, nor am I a lost cause...
5) we all have our own path
6) If you try to be what you love, you will attract what you love...I am trying to
follow my bliss...life isn't perfect, but it's improving :)

I have had a weird couple of years...broke up with the ex-fiance, (due to our various problems), had a few unrequited romances...other assorted problems...and then I realized I wasn't being my authentic self. I need to focus on improving my life and being happy. Being true to myself, even if that doesn't please the masses. I think I will be OK in the end.

Went Home to Visit...

It has actually been an enlightening experience. I have grown a greated appreciation for my friends and family, even though they piss me off sometimes. Also, I am reminded (by myself), that I am not perfect, and perhaps I overract to various situations and people...

Something has changed in me as of late. I have let go of certain expectations of myself, adn also of other people. I think I will be ok. Even if I am barely scraping by, earning $8 an hour I think I will be OK. I'm not sure what brought about this change exactly, but something changed. Have I hit a rock bottom? This year has been REALLY BAD, and I've experienced many lossed and various humiliations, so maybe that is part of it. Who knows...something has chilled a bit within my psyche though..

Currently

I dropped out of the tech school classes...I was in a very bad place...the air force guy dumped me, my ex got another girl, my gramma died...I was having problems with my artist friends ( a couple of them) and moved to another building...to much at one time...

Things are clearing a bit now...I've excepted that my ex fiance and I are toxic for one another, and also I love him adn took him for granted. We both made mistakes, adn both know it cannot work. I am trying to figure out how much contact I should have with him...I think the air force guy and I will remain friends, but knowing him, I'm guessing he'll be chasing a lot of tail when he gets back, so I'll only talk to him/see him when he needs advice...

money...who knows...disability for now, but now forever...I want to be self sufficient eventually, but I need to be emotionally stable a bit longer before I can go off or go back to school...

I just need to remind myself that these stressful times-- these too, shall pass...it will be OK. I say this to other people, but often forget to remind myself of this.

Where I'm At...

I have been abnormally depressed lately...(as in staying in bed depressed). My depressions were always anxious and fidgety when I was young, now they just leave me feeling tired. I prefer being tired and depressed to being anxious though.

I finally got my disability check. I am very thankful for this help from the government, but I also feel like a loser. It's strange-- I don't mind at all if someone else needs disability, but I am very hard on myself. I would like to have some type of gainful employment (as they call it), but I am just not currently capable of working full time. My anxiety levels are quite bad, and my bulimia has gotten a bit worse in the last 2 weeks...

The demise of my relationship with the guy I was dating is making it all worse. He gave me all this crap about how he couldn't be involved with my cause he was leaving for Iraq, he can't trust anyone-- blah balh balh...so he said he though we should just be friends. A day or two after he dumps me he starts dating a 22 year old who he falls madly in love with-- and she in turn, after 3 weeks of dating him, decides to get back with her ex. (karma :)....then again, maybe the 22 year old got back together with my former duded. Who knows, we no longer have contact. I am sad.

I was supposed to take a couple of classes at the tech school in a couple of weeks, but I am not sure if I am up for it, or would even like it. (CNA stuff). I got the idea from taking care of my gramma. I don't know, we'll see

I am Back Home Because My Grandma is Dying of Cancer

This is very upsetting. I feel like an asshole. I separated myself from my family about 7 years ago because I felt like I could not live up to their expectations. I felt pressure to be thin, perfect, athletic, and also have a mega career. In retrospect, perhaps I put these expecations on myself. Anyway...I was gone for a long time, but I came back to visit last August with the encouragement of a guy I had just started dating. He told me he didn't see his grandma right before she died and he always regretted it. She only has a couple of weeks now, so I am here.

When I entered the house I was so sad. My grandma looked very frail and old. I was overwhelmed with sadness and cried on and off during the hour and a half long visit. I gave her a hug and asked her how she felt. I can't recall what exactly she said, but the gist I got was that she was not in pain, but very tired and weak. I told her I was sorry I was gone so long, and she said sometimes absense makes the heart grow fonder. I also said I had to go and find myself. She said she knew I didn't have an easy road. I said I still didn't, but I was hoping I'd find my way. She asked me about my boyfriend, and I said he didn't want to boyfriend and girlfriend, but we still might be dating. I said the situation was confusing, but I really liked him. I said maybe I wasn't "the one" for him, and she said, "maybe you are." I held her hand for like an hour and a half. I hugged her and cried on and off. I thanked her for helping raise me, and she commented that we had a good time. I said, remember when we used to go"bumming?"...she said she liked all the garage sales we went to. I commented on the antique shops as well, and how much fun it was decorating Christmas cookies with her...She said she loved me, and I said I loved her too. I then went to visit with my aunt and cousin, and came back to grandma and grandpas for dinner. Grandma invited me to stay over, and I did. It was nice to be home.