Where I'm At...

I have been abnormally depressed lately...(as in staying in bed depressed). My depressions were always anxious and fidgety when I was young, now they just leave me feeling tired. I prefer being tired and depressed to being anxious though.

I finally got my disability check. I am very thankful for this help from the government, but I also feel like a loser. It's strange-- I don't mind at all if someone else needs disability, but I am very hard on myself. I would like to have some type of gainful employment (as they call it), but I am just not currently capable of working full time. My anxiety levels are quite bad, and my bulimia has gotten a bit worse in the last 2 weeks...

The demise of my relationship with the guy I was dating is making it all worse. He gave me all this crap about how he couldn't be involved with my cause he was leaving for Iraq, he can't trust anyone-- blah balh balh...so he said he though we should just be friends. A day or two after he dumps me he starts dating a 22 year old who he falls madly in love with-- and she in turn, after 3 weeks of dating him, decides to get back with her ex. (karma :)....then again, maybe the 22 year old got back together with my former duded. Who knows, we no longer have contact. I am sad.

I was supposed to take a couple of classes at the tech school in a couple of weeks, but I am not sure if I am up for it, or would even like it. (CNA stuff). I got the idea from taking care of my gramma. I don't know, we'll see

Being Attractive By Being You...

This is a really cool post I read on another blog:

http://tobeme.wordpress.com/2009/08/28/being-attrative-by-being-you/#comment-15369

After reading this I couldnt help but aske myself, who the hell am I? I really don't feel attractive, though I recently started dating this hot air force guy within the last month. I have grown more and more insecure over the past week. After reading this post I wonder if it's because I am not being myself...so the question then is
WHO AM I???? Maybe if I figure it out and just be myself, I will feel better...However, I do find when I am being myself I am often ridiculted or critized, because part of being me is being hyper and vulger...Here's who I am...Who are you?

I am:

1) hyper and occassionally obnoxious...(surely someone out there may appreciate this, right)????

2) a romantic, although I am a tomboy

3) I swear like a sailor (bothers most people)

4) I am a good drawer, an OK painter

5) I love animals, especially dogs

6) I feel comfortable in comfortable loose fitting clothing...I don't like dressing seductively...I don't mind dressing "cute" though...

7) I am completely insecure...especially about my body and also my lack of career and money...

8) I want to grow old with a wonderful man and watch the sunset on the porch...with the dog of course...

9) I enjoy repetitive boring activities, and prefer not to deal with intense interpersonal situations with people I don't know...I have social anxiety problems...I should be an accountant...but I'm also scared of complicated computer programs and going back to school..

10) I fear life

IN SUMMARY: Being myself means accepting that I am insecure, and only deal with people who don't mind that I am a scrappy hyper tomboy who happens to swear a lot...no wonder I don't attract anyone...would this actually attract anyone???

I am in the dark place today...

No Word From Josh...

Granted, it's only been a few days, but still....I feel that my most recent email was a bit to rambling, and perhaps the straw that broke the camels back. If that is even really possible at this point)...I wonder if it was apparent I was totally bombed at the time I wrote it. He once said he doesn't want to date anyone too much like him. Josh drinks a lot. I drink a lot. He's been in rehab. I have not. Let's just say I like to get shitfaced, but I function. Josh reached a stage where he cut down on the hard stuff, and he now drinks a six pack every night. Once in a while he goes out and gets shit faced. He admits he has trouble once he goes for the hard stuff. Anyway, my point is that I fear he thinks I am a drunk. I hope he does not think that. I do like to drink, I won't deny that. I dont' think I've reaches the status yet though, of being a drunk. I suppose it doesn't matter anyway. He is gone. I miss him. Sam ran into one of his friends today while we were at the vet getting our dog fixed. Sam mentioned he would be going down to Josh's new city to visit. I wish I could come. I won't ask of course...I feel like an ass as it is. Anyway, I'm sure Sam will want me to watch the dog. Tonight Sam is trying to seduce "Asheley." They are currently in the backyard doing some kind of candle light thing...I'm glad I figured Sam out before I actually fell for him. That dude is fickle. One minute he was in love with Kim, and then it was back to Ashley...and then the Asian nurse, and now back to Ashely...this is why I try not to get involved with younger men...

Ok, maybe I was Being Paranoid...

I think living with Sam with be Ok. I guess it's just like many roomate situations-- just needed a period of adjustment....I'm still without my own internet and still using his laptop so this will be brief. I still have not heard from Josh. It was 2 weeks ago I last spoke with him. He has been gone for 3 weeks now. This truly sucks. He loves his new city though. I can't blame him for not calling...I've also been reflecting on all the fucked up things I have done this year. I was very very naughty this year...in some ways for the good and some ways for the bad...I need to get my shit together, this much is obvious.

I Spoke With My Friend Beth on Facebook Tonight......

She is the one who is having a rapturous love affair with my artist friend David. (they share a studio)...I told her that Josh left me an original work of art. She seemed to think this was something special. She said she would not leave an original work of art for someone unless they meant something to her...

This made me very happy :) Granted, it was a quicker original for him-- (a drawing/painting) and he works quickly.....probably took him like an hour or two vs. 10-- but still!!! Beth's input made me happy. She is one of the two people in my city who know the "full" Josh story...

I really miss him. He is gone. I have not heard from him. This does not surprise me, but makes me sad. I only emailed him a day ago though, I have no idea whether or not he will ever email me back...or call me...in terms of calls I think I left the ball in his court....I have been listening to this song a lot the last few days...maybe it's because it makes a reference to Dali and his wife Gala???? I actually mostly enjoy the melody...I discovered just a day or two ago there is an artist reference--our song perhaps? I have no idea...I would love it if we could have a song though...'cause ya know I'm sappy like that! :)

I Almost Called Josh but Then I Chickened Out...

Instead, I contacted him through his website. This is what I wrote:

Hey Josh!

Thanks for the painting! :) I definitely wasn't expecting that, and really appreciate it-- thank you. I love your series with the abstracted couples. I almost called you to thank you, but I am guessing you are probably pretty busy right now, so I didn't want to bug ya.

I hope you made it down there safely and that your cat was sufficiently drugged :D...Was your dog OK? I hope so-- give her a big hug and kiss for me! :D...I hope you are diggin your new place too, and that everything is going great!

Kelly :)

....I decided to contact him through his websight instead of calling for a variety of reasons. Here they are:

1) I don't want to seem desperate
2) I have pretty bad social anxiety, and worry I would start rambling like an idiot,
and say something stupid, and/or make myself look stupid...I just worry about
generally embarrassing myself I guess.
3) David didn't think I should call. He liked the idea of the email. He said he
thought Josh just gave me the picture because perhaps he felt badly about how
hard he has been on me lately. (like this was a way of apologizing or something).

I hope this kind of puts the ball in his court, so to speak. It will be interesting
to see if he emails me back at all, or ever contacts me. I don't have my hopes up, but you never know.

The Second Post of the Day...

I can't seemt to stop blogging when I have shit on my mind. It's therapuetic for me I guess. And since I don't have health insurance, or a therapist...I might as well write about it to get it off my chest...

I brought another load of stuff to Sam's house tonight. The last thing I brought in was a sewing machine and the picture Josh gave me. I put it on the kitche table adn said, "look what Josh gave me, isn't that awesome?!?!" Sam said something to the effect of "yeah," and seemed pleasantly surprised...I said I wasn't expecting it at all but I really like it. I also commented I had to get it out of my house before my ex boyfriend saw it. Sam asked me something like, "is he jealous?" I said probably, but there is nothing to be jealous of, because I never slept with Josh. Sam said "there are still things to be jealous of though." I said, "yeah, but I don't think Josh was ever really attracted to me." Sam replied, "well Josh has a type-- he goes for blondes with mega careers, who look like they are 18."...he also made a comment on knowing what your type is doesn't have be be a bad thing. I said "I know." and also something like, well that's part of life...

So Sam basically confirmed I am not Josh's type. It's odd, that one night when we were all drunk (Sam, Kim, and I) he seemed to think I had a shot, as Josh thought my x-rays were pretty hot, adn he requested to see them again. Perhaps Sam has learned something about the situation since then. I have no idea whether or not Sam has discussed any of this with Josh. I felt pretty good this afternoon, but now I feel shot down again.

I told Sam I was going to go and paint, but when I got there I didn't feel like it. I got some takeout and ate it at my studio. Then I came home...

No Goodbyes...

No fanfare...nothing...

Perhaps it is best this way. I saw Josh briefly today, as he was in and out of the studio moving stuff to his vehicle. There was brief, normal chit chat that co-workers would have, but nothing special. I left around 5:30 and was at home for almost 2 hours. I then returned to my studio and saw he had been back in my absence, and had taken what was most likely the second to last load. I stuck around for about a half hour. I actually felt like painting, but felt odd being there. When he showed up for the last load I didn't want him to think I was waiting for him, like a fucking stalker or something...

I kind of wanted a last goodbye, but at the same time it would be hard. Particularly because he is moving, and apparently not into me. It would be like pouring salt in the wound. I have already had enough awkwardness with him in the last month. He knows how I feel about things, and he doesn't want to go there. Why make his last night here awkward for him. Or for me. He pulls out of town around 6 AM tomorrow.

It's Over, No Hope..

With Josh I mean. More than apparent. We had a little party for him up at the studios. I had plenty of liquor...Josh was jovial. At one point when I was pouring myself some more tequilla Sam said, "I caught ya!" Apparently I am getting a reputation as a partier...anyway...

At one point David said something like, "if a guy ever sings you this song, then you know he loves you'"...etc...I said no man has ever sung me a song, but my ex did buy me roses on occassion. I also said I knew I was probably going to be alone and that I will be a wierd old dog lady...Josh said, "With an attitude like that you will be!"...he's a happy guy and does not like pessimists..he hung out with us artists for a couple of hours, but didn't really look at me while he told his stories. Later I chatted with him alone briefly. I asked him about his earliest childhood memory and he said it was probably when he went to kindergarden...I recall he also said I should not be so hard on myself. Yeah...that's easy...then he left the party to go hang out with some other friends.

The Wild Night..Unforuntately, no sex though...

So Josh was up at the studios today, and at one point asked me if I was going to the concert in the park. I said I didn't know there was a concert (I didn't-- I don't pay attention to such things, top self absorbed).....Knowing this, I ended up going to the concert. Some people from work saw me there and flagged me down. My friend "Maureen" found me and said I was wandering around like I was looking for someone. She said she thought I was looking for "Josh>"...shit,...does everybody know????I said I was looking for beer...and also my friend Kim...

I ended up in the mosh pit drinking beer and jumping up and down. I caught up with most of them after the concert. We went to a house. Josh was there....I played the drums and accidentally broke a bed...I jumped on it.. :O...I said I would pay for it...I feel bad...I hope she calls me...I will totally pay her back...

The just of the story is that Josh and I ignored each other even though we were both drinking. I ignored him because I didnt' want to seem needy...maybe he ignored me because he can't stand me....whatever...I dont' know...he did give the eye to the 21 year old in the mini skirt though...made me wanna fucking puke...she is the sister of one of our friends,.....he flirted at ONE point with me earlier, but only that one point....he was OBVIOUSLY fucked up...,most likely alcohol and weed....

Basically he ignored me...but oddly enough watched out for me in a way...at one point shots of wiskey were purchased and he wouldn't let me have one. I wanted one and he tried to give it to someone else, I kept reaching for it...I said I would behave myself. another dude gave me part of his shot and Josh said, "that guy is out of here."...we then left, he oggled the little girl...and another dude (who is sweet and trustworthy (walked me home)...

why was Josh checking out the young gal instead of me? Was it because she was younger or drunker? :(...oh well...

PS: when we were all going to part ways Josh asked me if I was good and I said yes. I hugged him and said something to the effect of, "I can hold back when I need to" and I told him to have a good night. I kissed him on the cheek, as he most likely thought of the other gal...One of my other friends walked me home.

NADA....Zilch...yes, it is true....

No signs of Josh at the studios today, unless he got there way earlier than I did. I think he is avoiding me. So be it....it makes me sad though. I miss his friendship and raunchy obnoxious banter if nothing else. He must have been with "friends" today. I think he pulls out of town permanently on Sunday...

He said yesterday, most of his true friends have already left town. He said his only "good/true" friends still in town are his former model (who is a pharmacist and makes $120,000 per year, and his former roommate (a girl) who is an architect/baddass bartender...apparently they are both strong woman-- I am the opposite of that-- a total weakling...I am guessing he may have told one or both of them about my unrequited love for him...not because I am anything special, but because it feels good to be admired...if someone had a thing for me I might tell a couple of my friends...

Today his "neighbor" with the big boobs showed up-- 6 PMish. This was the gal he made the comment to another artist about-- how she had big boobs adn was wearing a tank top at the dog park. She showed up in a cute little dress and asked for Josh's phone number. I gave it to her natur-ally....I think she probably wants to do him or something...we all do...I will say though, other than her boobs, she is not much to look at...not that I should talk, but she doesn't seem like his type. He likes petite woman who are cute and makeupy....she is tall and not overly beautiful...big boobs though...oh well...

who knows what he did today. I am trying not to think about it. He will be gone in a few days, and perhaps I can move on with my life.

The Final Nail in the Coffin...??? :(

This makes me sad. I was really into this guy Josh. He has been doing the usual "avoiding" me for the most part, but with a little chit chat here and there. He has had opportunities to invite me places, spend time with me...blah blah blah...but he hasn't.

This evening I had a few beers with my artist buddy David (he's the dude who's in his late 50's), and we talked about life and relationships. I then got back to the studios and Josh was there. I chatted with him a bit and discovered more about him, and perhaps why he is not into me...This conversation took place in his studio, and as I had a few beers in me I mustered up the courage to talk to him a bit more than I had in recent memory...

He said he would leave right now if he could, and he was merely waiting on his lease. He also commented more on people in out city not really having any dreams, and partying too much. I find this odd personally, as he drinks quite a bit, and one of his good friends is becoming an anesthesiologist...anyway, I think basically he is trying to get away from the party scene to improve his life...maybe he thinks I am a partier??? I drink some with friends, but I don't go to bars alone or anything...As my friend David said, Josh is hard on people. Even Josh has said this...his expectations are very high. I am the opposite. I am hard on myself, but quite lenient with others.

Josh even commented on how he grouped me in with those types who don't know what they want to do. That hurt a bit. I do know what I want to do, but don't have the confidence he has. He asked me if I had decided what I wanted to do, and I told him I want to be an artist. I also commented I am extremely practical, and know I need to do something in addition to this. He said he didn't understand the lack of confidence thing, and couldn't relate to it. I told him I was picked on a lot as a teenager and never really fit it-- that was probably a big part of it. I also said I had to "de-program" my brain in this city, and get away from the beliefs that were instilled in me by my family. I was raised in such a way where I thought I had to have a masters degree or Phd or something to be acceptable-- to be some type of white collar person...I basically said I am slowly coming into my own.

Another interesting thing he said was that his former girlfriend was SO postitive, about everything she did-- and that really drew him to her. I can't remember what I said before this, but he said this about his ex in response to what I said...it was almost like another way of shooting me down-- I am too negative about myself..He also commented that the dating pool here is small and he doesn't like to date other artists because he doesn't like to date people like himself. What the hell is that supposed to mean??? Other than the fact that he just is not that into me...

Then Sam popped in and we all chatted for a while. Josh said he was going to some person's house for a few beers, and Sam knew these people too. He invited Sam to stop by, but not me. And there is the final nail in the coffin...

Umm...

Why do I always fall for men I can't have?

Exhibit A: boyfriend #1...much older and never wanted to marry...we are still
friends, he is very supportive of me emotionally
Exhibit 2: alcoholic with no interest in sex.....but he really is a good friend
exhibit 3: really hot artist dude who is in a long term relatioship with someone
else...mental/emotional connection...hot sex...he won't talk to me
anymore...probably because he fears I will mess up his "safe" situation
exhibit 4: hot art dude who is kind of a jock and is moving away soon...(within
days)...we have similar boisterous personaltities

Do I seek out situations in which I am doomed to fail??? Or maybe I just like a challenge???? I hope something will work out eventually....

Yesterday:

The Good Things (Karma):
1) I volunteered agan
2) I didn't flirt with Sam, and I refuse to seduce him (Kim is too nice of a person)
3) I gave the artist across the way from me half of my sub sandwhich because he was
hungry. (It was the least I could do, he has listed to me complain about Alex for
the last 6 months-- and he sold one of my little prints)...
4) Kim asked me if I wanted to grab a bite with her and Sam and I declined

The Bad Things:
1) Had pissed off angry thoughts about Alex and how he will never talk to me again
2) Was jealous of Sam and Kim's relationship, even though Sam is not my type-- they
are good together...
3) Kim said she owes their relationship to me (because I nudged them along)...that
made me feel a little guilty because she doesn't know how recently I slept with
him
4) pissed at Sam because he had sex with me a few times, but never took me "out" or
called...he calls Kim and takes her "out"...
5) as a result of all of the above, drank too much wine last night
6) feeling sorry for myself again...

The Passion

I need to write about this. Seriously-- before I forget. 4 months have lapsed now since my last interaction with Alex. I deleted all my other posts about our interations (because I'm fucking stupid), so lets see what I can remember of our little love affair....

I first met him in January of 2008. I was up at the studios "exploring"-- I wondered who got the open studio-- it was him. (I was on the waiting list)...I remember the first time I met him. He was sitting on his little swivel chair and talking to me. He was so calm and confident-- overwhelmingly attractive. For some reason I thought he was a couple of years older than me. Perhaps it was his calm, cool demeanor. Turns out he's 2 months younger than me. We are both currently 31...It was a brief innocent chat, but I felt at ease. I remember this. And I remember he was attractive.

I moved into the next open studio in March of 2008. Over the next couple of months I chatted with him on and off. I remember he and Same came over to see my studio and Sam introduced him as some odd sounding name. It was interesting they both came over to check out my studio at the same time-- like they were taking a field trip or something....(spring 2008). Some time over the spring I developed a crush on Alex. I know we talked, but I can't remember about what. I recall looking for him out in the courtyard, it made me happy and excited...we had a "vibe"..

Sometime in the early summer I belive, I came to the conclusion Alex was a player. I saw him with Sam's skinny little horsefaced art assistant. They were walking up the stairs together and she had this "look" on her face. (and of course she's 7 years younger than me, and also taller and skinnier-- in terms of proportion anyway)...Happy/enthralled/in love-- you know that look...I ignored him for a while. I should have stuck with that instinct. Eventually he came to me...we started talking/flirting again...She disappeared... Perhaps Alex was bored in her absense, or fucking her in private-- I really have no idea.

Fall 2009. One of the most passionate, and most stupid times in my life. We flirted intensely. Perhaps (in retrospect), it was a result of the absense of the horseface). I did not know that at the time of course...He had a way of looking at me as if I was naked. He asked me very personal questions, but not in a "pervey" way. He asked me about my life, my struggles, my pain. He got into my head, he got into my heart. It's almost as if he had a book of "gaining a women's trust and love so you can get into her pants"...I felt oddly close to him. And it's hard for me to feel this with anyone.

I remember one of the first overtly sexual flirtations. I was making some kind of odd joke about how I was really born a man, but my thinie had been burned off in a freak circumsision accident...He said "really, can I see?"....and he meant it...he said it in this calm, serious...I want to look at your genitals kind of way...I think this was when the flirting got heavier...I think this was August??? Maybe early Sept???

More flirting, more intense personal conversations....He made some type of sexual comment (referring to us). I belive this must have been in Sept. I said something to the effect of-- "well, you'll have to use a condom, because I'm not on Birth control." This was when things became sort of serious...He later said he knew this was when it might actually happen.

I'll save the rest for another post...long story...I think I will put this on my other blog too...

I should be happy today...

I sold a painting today! Granted, it was a "little" painting, but it was grocery money. And then I sold 2 little prints. I felt great for a brief period of time. Until the end of the night, when it was just Alex and I. I thought he would come and talk to me, as we were alone in the building. He did not. I don't know if he realized I was alone, but he probably did.

Why the hell can I not get over him???? these are the reasons I can think of:

1) he actually made me belive he cared about me-- perhaps to get into my pants.
(It worked asshole)...

2) wow...amazingly gorgeous dude...tall, "sinewy," bedroom eyes...

3) he always had that way of looking at me as though I was naked

4) I really enjoyed it when we were both naked, and you know-- doing stuff...it was
probably the most passionate foreplay of my life, and the best sex...

5) we were very good friends, I miss our conversations

6) I often want what I can't have....

7) He intrigues more than most men I have ever met...

8) refer to 1 through 7

OMG!!!! I want to forget, but I dont' want to forget. The memories fade a little, but I have these little fleeting memories of our times together. I wish I wouldn't have deleted all the juicy posts on my other blog...shit...oh yeah, if you did not know-- here is a link to my other blog:

http://mylovelifesucksass.blogspot.com/

Alex was at the studios today

And he ignored me. In fact, he left within a few minutes of my arrival there. Fucking asshole. How can you be sexually involved with someone on an ongoing basis, and just blow them off...MOTHERFUCKER!!!!!

yeah, he had one "Normal" conversation with me 2 months ago before I went on vacation. Said he'd take me for a burger or something when I got back so we could talk. 2 MONTHS AGO!!!!! What a fucking prick!!!! Karma comes around for sure. I know-- this is one of the worst fucking deprssions I have experienced in my life (the last few months). I'm sure it will come back to him as well.

Back Home and Starting Over...Kinda

So here's what's going on-- the basics. My ex alcoholic boyfriend, who I refer to as "Bryan," is still living at the rooming house and not causing me any drama/problems. We speak on a daily basis (as he appears to be sober), and we occasionally hang out. We're not "together" though. Not that I should talk bout the drinking though, I am very fond of the "sauce".... but I do get up and function every day though...

"Alex," the guy I had the affair with, because "Bryan" has no interest in sex, is still completely absent from the art studios. (And just WHY did he apologize to me before I left for vacation, and say he wanted to take me out for a burger)??????--this after ignoring me for 2 months....asshole.

So I am single, broke, and romantically alone. It's nice that I am not as stressed out as I was though. I miss Alex. I hate to admit it, but I do. I think he probably has a bunch of girls he is screwing around with though-- like the horseface chic. Damn that asshole. I hate that he has this power over me. He knows I am back. I have been back for almost 2 weeks, but he hasn't shown his face. When he does I should spit in it. I'm too polite though I guess.

dude, I'm tired...

The last month has been really draining. There was my ex relapsing, leading to our breakup, "alex" no longer speaking to me...and all the depression that resulted from this crap.

My ex has not moved out yet, but is looking at apartments. I will miss him in a way, but can't deal with the drama anymore. I am really tired, emotionally and physically. I have gained weight. I feel like a pig.

I hate my life immensely

You know those times in your life where everything just fucking sucks and you with you wouldn't have to wake up and deal with all the stupid fucking stressful shit? I am having one of those months. My ex relapsed, lost his job...I called "alex" who will no longer talk to me as a result, and my disability case is totally fucked. I recently discovered they don't even have one 20th of my documentation...no wonder I got rejected. (I hope my lawyer is good at his job)...

Anyway, I am alone and broke and haven't' had sex in over a month. I am very type A...perhaps i will have a heart attack and get lucky. (no worries people, I'm not suicidal...just extremely annoyed/pissed off and slightly depressed and feeling hopeless). I have no desire to be in a relationship ever again. I cannot deal with feeling so fucked over.