So My Boyfriend was Drinking Mouthwash Tonight...

Yeah, that's never a good sign...He had a small relapse 2 days ago, and now he was drinking mouth wash. It got him visibly drunk, and then he puked.

This is quite the life I have made for myself. Why was I not drown at birth or something?...Seriously though. I have known for a LONG time it wouldn't work, but I feel almost reponsible for him in a way. I worry he will die or something if I leave. And I do care about him, he's a sweetie. But he's also a drunk with no libido.

I find myself looking at couples who have been together for YEARS and I feel so jealous. I wish I could have that. I'm not really the type to date around a lot. I love the idea of being with someone forever, I just don't know if it's possible. For me anyway-- I would drive any man nuts with all my anxiety problems....and I have, the few boyfriends I have had.

Supposedly he is going to AA tomorrow with his boss of all people. Turns out he is a recovering alcholic too. Should be interesting.

Shit Hits the Fan...

Did I mention my boyfriend of almost 4 years is a recovering alcholic? yeah...and I mean a bad one-- think rehab 5 times and multiple suicde attempts.

Well, I went to bed abnormally early last night, and woke up around 1:30 AM, only to find him drinking whiskey. Shit! (He's currently still in bed, most likely with a hangover)...

One of two things can happend now:

1) he sobers up, and goes back to work on Thursday (he has a couple of days off)..

2) he goes on a drinking binge, most likely followed by a suicide attempt...

I really hope #1 is the path he follows. I am so sick of dealing with this shit. I used to be sweet and nurturing about all this, but I jsut can't take it anymore. My caregiving skills are wearing out, I have so many of my own problems...

I'll keep you updated...

Reason 5,349 I Do Not Spend Time With My Siblings

My sister "Kris" is completely condescending...and no, that's not her real name.....

It really bothers my father that my siblings and I are not close. Oh well. It's hard to be close to someone who talks to you and treats you like you're 5, when in actuality, you are MUCH older. It's also hard to be close to people who are "professionals," and look down on you because you are not. To my siblings, a big FUCK YOU...(Sorry, hope that doesnt' offend you cyber space people, but you should see the way these people have comunicated wiht my in the last 10 years ). I'm not saying I'm right, and they are wrong, I'm just saying we are very different, and spending time with people who think you're a piece of shit is not a fun time.

So here's how it goes....I almost never speak to my siblings on the phone...so whenever I call my Dad, and a sibling happens to be visiting, he shoves them on the phone and makes me talk to them...yeah, fucking great...anyway, here's a synopsis of the last conversation I had with "Kris" a few days ago, as I called my Dad, and she happened to be visiting him, for like the 4th time this year...(they live across the county from each other)...

Oh yeah...backup info: I was paid a whopping $40 last fall to illustrate a book cover for this guy who was self publishing...It took like 20 hours...yeah, I made a lot of dough on that one...anyway, I digress...

So "Kris" says to me about the bookcover..."well that's great, you'll always have that. No one can take that away from you."....YEAH...that's actually what she said...and she said it in that voice like she's talking to a third grader...FUCK YOU!!!!...haven't I heard that fucking line in a movie or something?...anyway, I just said, "uh, thanks."...even though I wanted to tell her snooty ass to fuck off.

And this is just a minor incident..She once got pisses off at me because I was under severe stress (like on the verge of a nervous breakdown) and wanted to quit my job. And for the record, I had a little in savings and another part time job, so I wans't totally fucked or anything...she says "NO, you can't, because Dad will have to send you more money then."...I told her I wouldn't be asking for any more money. Anyway, all she gives a fuck about is her inheritance, screw my mental health. And we're not even a wealthy family-- middle class at best. Nice fucking priorities.