New Years Resolutions...

Yeah Right...like I can actually pull this shit off. Maybe though. I will only remember them if I write them down though, so here we go:

1) be more productive as an artist...on that note...

1B) dont' let my depression anxiety issues prevent me from doing art-- do some anyway-- even if it's shitty...

2) don't get involved with men who are bad for me-- better to be single and less insane....

3) less booze-- it's making me fat, giving me more lines, and making me feel a bit drained. Don't get me wrong people, I don't drink during the day or anything, but I don't want it to age me...I like to have some once in a while though, cause it mellow me out. Maybe twice a week?

4) start doing yoga again-- I miss having abs. I used to be skinny and rather toned

4b) get back down to 112 pounds and have abs (relates to doing yoga, less booze...less bad food too)...

5) don't let the "Alex" thing depress me-- he was an asshole anyway...good thing I found about before I was involved with him longer...

5b) don't let the "alex" shit prevent me from being a productive artist

6) take multivitamins and eat more vegetables

7) be OK with getting older, being single, having no career, and doing nothing impressive with my life...it's oK to be sub-par...fuck what my asshole family thinks. they can take their precious master's degrees and shove them up their ass...

-- that said--

may it be a year of self acceptance and blissful solitude

Am I Fat?

I think this is a topic many people struggle with...for those of us with eating disorders it's a very fucked up issue...

I have been bulimic for roughly 12 years now...so I don't even know what "normal" is...All I know is what feels "comfortable."....When I get over 120 I do not feel "comfortable,"...I feel fucking fat...I felt my best at 110, but as I've gotten older I find it difficult to keep my wieght down. When I was younger, I was not comfortable over 113...but I'm not 20 anymore...

Here are some more reasons I find it hard to keep my weight down:
1) I'm older and not as obsessed with excercise
2) I like high calorie alcholic beverages (a new thing in the last couple of years)
3) Now that I'm getting older and have some lines and a few grays it's a losing
battle anyway...I'm pretty much fucked no matter what I do....
4) perhaps my metabolism is slowing down some...

So on a related note, I weighed myself today for the first time in a few weeks...I don't have a scale at home, and only wieght myself at one of the local grocery stores...Yes, odd as it may seem, one of the local grocery stores has a scale-- maybe they think it will help sell diet food???? I weighed in at 117 1/2...So I only gained 1 1/2 pounds since last time...I still hate being this large. I want to be 110...It's just such a nice number...I don't know if I can pull it off though, with the odds stacked against me...

The fact that I am so fucking depressed today might help though...