New Years Resolutions...6 Months Later...

Here is what I wrote 6 months ago, and how I am doing with said resolutions:

1) be more productive as an artist...

I think I have been. Josh has helped motivate me in the past couple of months...Since December I have sold 4 originals and many prints...I started painting at night and am more productive as an artist...not self sufficent, but definitely more productive, and selling more at my stuidio...

1B) dont' let my depression anxiety issues prevent me from doing art-- do some anyway-- even if it's shitty...

I'm doing the art anyway!!!! Again, thank Josh for that one...for a while there (this spring)...I was at the studios at night a lot, partially because i knew he would be there(this spring, and partially because i had an inkling he would be there...and I discovered I work betyer at night..I have painted more and longer...

2) don't get involved with men who are bad for me-- better to be single and less insane....

Um...this is complicated...there was Sam, and also (kinda Josh)...I will blame this on the booze...however...I am behaving now, for the most part, and am not involved with anyone...as much as I would love to be involved with Josh...he is in another city 10 hours away though...I am at a point in my life where I am having a little more self respect and don't want to sleep with anyone unless I love them and they treat me well..the last time I had sex with Sam he wouldn't even kiss me...I DON'T want that...I want love and passion and romance...or nothing at all...which reminds me...I haven 't had sex in a month and a half...almost 2 months????

3) less booze-- it's making me fat, giving me more lines, and making me feel a bit drained. Don't get me wrong people, I don't drink during the day or anything, but I don't want it to age me...I like to have some once in a while though, cause it mellow me out. Maybe twice a week?

I am doing a little better with this. I don't drink tequilla or hard liquor every night. I now drink beer or wine. Basically I have cut down on the hard core shit in a big way, but am still drinking the softer stuff for the time being...I did enough stupid shit this year to reealize too much drinking makes me do stupid shit.


4) start doing yoga again-- I miss having abs. I used to be skinny and rather toned

OK, I have not yet conquered this yet...still need to..

4b) get back down to 112 pounds and have abs (relates to doing yoga, less booze...less bad food too)...

the last time I weighed myself I was at about 115 (2 weeks ago)... This is 7 pounds less than a year ago, and 1 pound less than what I weighed 2 years ago when I first moved to this new city and started eating a lot of fatty foods and drinking too much...I am getting closer to this goal... I do need to work on my abs though...

5) don't let the "Alex" thing depress me-- he was an asshole anyway...good thing I found about before I was involved with him longer...

refer to 5B

5b) don't let the "alex" shit prevent me from being a productive artist

Oddly enough, the Josh thing helped me get over Alex. I can safely say now I am over Alex and am more productive of an artist. No matter how hot the sex was with Alex, I would not want to be with someone who treated me that way. How can you make love to someone on multiple occasions and just break off all contact??? Heartless asshole. I don't want a heartless asshole...i want someone who treats me with love and respect

6) take multivitamins and eat more vegetables

I started taking the multivitamins again this week...I'm doing so so on eating more vegetables...I don't eat them everyday, but have been eating more salads as of late...



7) be OK with getting older, being single, having no career, and doing nothing impressive with my life...it's oK to be sub-par...fuck what my asshole family thinks. they can take their precious master's degrees and shove them up their ass...

AMAZINGLY...I have gotten a bit better with this too...I would rather be single than be in a shitty relationship...I would rather be poor, yet getting by, than doing a job I hate, and which makes me miserable...I still kind of want a master's degree...but only if it fits my life aims...

OVERALL:...Holy shit-- I've done pretty well on the New Year's Resolutions thus far!!

Once Again Thinking About Grad School...

Grad school is what brought me to this city in the first place. I gave it 3 days, and I knew this particular program at this particular school was not a good fit. I bailed on a fellowship that payed half my tuition. I was rather depressed about this for a good 6 months. I felt like a gigantic loser at the time. I don't regret it though. It was the right call, I know that now. At the time, it was the only school I got into. This is my chance to rework my portfolio and get into a school or program that would be a better fit. For a while I was convinced I should try to become a nurse or physician's assistant or something...something mega practical. Even a CNA or a bookkeeper or something-- like a one year tech degree...Lately I have realized I may be better of sticking with something that I am good at and that wont' make me insane...

So here's what I am thinking...MAYBE a tech degree in accounting or bookkeeping (because oddly enough for an artsy type, I get a sick pleasure out of "inventory" and various mathematical problems...this way I will have a "skill."...and then maybe I can try the grad school thing again if I want, and if I can get in a program that would be a better fit...

Something about Josh made me really wantn to get my shit together-- IMMEDIATELY....I think I met him for a reason, and this was it-- get your shit together, do what you love, and don't let anyone get in the way.

Thank you Josh.

Starting Over

This is what I am trying to do anyway, in terms of career and lifestyle. I don't like the way my life has gone in the last decade, well...the last 20 years to be precise. Lets just say things definitely have gone down hill in my adult life, and it's time to pick up the pieces again. Time to figure out the career stuff, and eat better and drink less. Interestingly enough, drinking helped cut down on my bulimia...I guess it's not necessarily a good thing to replace one vice with another, however, given the bulimia almost killed me in my early 20's I guess I should take any improvement I can get. I only throw up a couple of times a week now. I used to throw up 10 times a day at my worst, and even 2 years ago I was still at 5 times per day. Now to cut down on the booze. Living with Sam is helping with that. And the fact that I have no money. And the fact that Josh probably thinks I am insane. These things are enough to keep the partying in check. I want a good life. I want a good job, a house, a husband, and maybe a kid or two. I realize I won't have these things though unless I lead a healthier lifestyle and get my shit together. I think I am finally ready to be an adult. Kind of sad to say for a 31 year old...but better late than never. (I had some delays in life I guess)....maybe I should just start taking classes and see if something clicks...

No Word From Josh...

Granted, it's only been a few days, but still....I feel that my most recent email was a bit to rambling, and perhaps the straw that broke the camels back. If that is even really possible at this point)...I wonder if it was apparent I was totally bombed at the time I wrote it. He once said he doesn't want to date anyone too much like him. Josh drinks a lot. I drink a lot. He's been in rehab. I have not. Let's just say I like to get shitfaced, but I function. Josh reached a stage where he cut down on the hard stuff, and he now drinks a six pack every night. Once in a while he goes out and gets shit faced. He admits he has trouble once he goes for the hard stuff. Anyway, my point is that I fear he thinks I am a drunk. I hope he does not think that. I do like to drink, I won't deny that. I dont' think I've reaches the status yet though, of being a drunk. I suppose it doesn't matter anyway. He is gone. I miss him. Sam ran into one of his friends today while we were at the vet getting our dog fixed. Sam mentioned he would be going down to Josh's new city to visit. I wish I could come. I won't ask of course...I feel like an ass as it is. Anyway, I'm sure Sam will want me to watch the dog. Tonight Sam is trying to seduce "Asheley." They are currently in the backyard doing some kind of candle light thing...I'm glad I figured Sam out before I actually fell for him. That dude is fickle. One minute he was in love with Kim, and then it was back to Ashley...and then the Asian nurse, and now back to Ashely...this is why I try not to get involved with younger men...

What I Wrote to Josh tonight...

HI Josh! :)

I know you're not much of an email person but I hope this is OK. I am really not very good at interpersonal communication like you are, but maybe this is OK????...for this second, .or this moment....??? ....(I'm sorry about that--I'm kind of shy, and am frequently very tongue tied-- I am working on that though)..i wish I had your "gift of the gab"....I really don't though, and I must honestly recognize this....I am better at writing than speaking currently and this is one of things I admire about you....You are magnificently eloquent...

Anyway....this is why I am emailing instead of calling???....maybe you are busy watching golf....or hockey...or painting...something????....(by they way, I do believe Tiger can still catch up, there is hope right???)..... :D ...and for the record...my Dad still thinks Steve Sticker can win it all, because he is From Wisconsin!! :O.....my dad refers to Edgerton as the armpit of America...interesting...anyhow (really, I don't know shit about golf).......

I hope life in your new city is treating you well. I was talking to Jacob the other day and he mentioned he had a friend down there who saw your art there. They recognized your work and that is wonderful! I am so happy for you!!! :) ...I hope that you are happy and that life is treating you well. ( and I hope you are selling an assload ass well -- you are a wonderful person and deserve a great life-- I suspect ancient Greece is calling (watch out Socrates)....I think you will get to that ancient collusium just yet)!!!!) ....I'm guessing you will get there sooner than you think....togas are a good thing.... :)

We all miss you so much and wish you the best. I do hope you keep in touch if you have the time or inclination :)

xoxo Kelly :)

By the way-- congrats on the $300 worth or prints you recently sold up here - -I imagine though you are probably doing even better in you new city despite kicking ass here :)

If you ever need help with anything here please let me know--I'd love to help you out., not6hing in exchange... Just let me know, because I am nice like that :)

We all miss you so much :) life is not the same without you....I want to call you but I feel as though I suck at communicating in person...(ie: phone or ...actually in person)...let us blame this on social anxiety issues....



Your new city sounds like a wonderful place to be. I know you don't really like email--and maybe I should just call you. I actually really suck at interpersonal communication, and this is why I am currently emailing you instead of calling you......so I am emailing you instead of calling you...but I should really do that....maybe I will????? ....umm.... iam not good at such things...

I will say though, I think of you often and hope life is treating you well and that you are happy beyond belief because you are a fabulous person and deserve that.

Ok, maybe I was Being Paranoid...

I think living with Sam with be Ok. I guess it's just like many roomate situations-- just needed a period of adjustment....I'm still without my own internet and still using his laptop so this will be brief. I still have not heard from Josh. It was 2 weeks ago I last spoke with him. He has been gone for 3 weeks now. This truly sucks. He loves his new city though. I can't blame him for not calling...I've also been reflecting on all the fucked up things I have done this year. I was very very naughty this year...in some ways for the good and some ways for the bad...I need to get my shit together, this much is obvious.

The New Place...

So I am now living with Sam...interesting...And I am currently on his laptop and he is sitting abou 5 feet away from me so this may be brief...I'm not sure how I like this setup...He is rather bossy...I don't like that...He's one of those types where he always has to be right. Why can't he just leave me alone, or why can't we just agree to disagree? He mostly criticizes the fact that I am too lenient with the dog. Whatever...control freak...

I told him tonight (after a few beers) that maybe the reason woman always leave him is because he scolds them. I told him women don't like to be scolded.....I don't know what his fucking problem is...he told me that he was hard on his ex girlfriend Anne as well..uh...I'm not his girlfriend, I am his roomate...I will call him on this next time...Every opinion I have is apparently wrong..

I will try to make the best of the situation, but I don't see myself staying here for too long unless our communicaiton improves...