Where I'm at

I'm trying to focus on me right now. For the last couple of years since my ex-fiance and I broke up I have been desperately trying to please and/or find another man. This has not served me well. In fact, it has distracted me, and prevented me from fully functioning and reaching my desired goals...It has led me down a self destructive path of self loathing, partying, and depression...fuck that. It's time for me now.

So here's what I'm doing:

1) going back to school this summer...I'm going to try and get a second bachelor's degree in nursing (the first one was in art 10 years ago)...I was accepted at a local college as a post-bac pre-nursing major...just gotta take 6 more classed, do well in them, and then I'm in the program...

2) trying not to let my problems hold me back. I have a disability (depression, anxiety, bulimia, and hairpulling)...but maybe if I was self sufficient it would be good for my self esteem, and these problems would lessen...I am pretty damn sure there have been people with greater obstacles who have achieved more. Let them be an inspiration to me and others :)

3) trying to be ok with being alone. I need to focus on me now. I can't make anyone else happy if I am not ok with myself. If the man of my dreams walks into my life, I won't push him away, but i AM NOT ON THE HUNT. I need to try to improve me...too much wasted time the last few years on others...

4) leading a healthier lifestyle...I'm exercizing a lot, taking vitamins, and partying less...not hanging so much with my alcoholic ex is helping with this-- I've made new friends who are healthier for me

5) trying not to be such a perfectionist. Being ok is good enough. I just want to be content with moments of happiness...I don't have to be Picasso..I just want to be self sufficient, and perhaps have a hubby??? Later though, I understand :)

we will see how this all goes...

Time to Focus on Myself

Another heartbreak. This time I feel in love with my best friend of 2 years. We had hooked up on and off for 1.5 years, and were also roomates for a year. I developed feelings for him, and appeared that he was starting to, but I messed it up by going out drinking all the time with an ex. I made some serious mistakes. I have regrets, and once again, just when I thought I found "the one," I am on my own again...I thought it would be a good time to once again acess what I want:

1) financial independence (get a good career, and off of disability)--perhaps in the medical field

2) stop obsessing about men who dont' want me

3) more productive as an artist-- complete more, adn get more shows/galleries/representation, etc...

4) fall in love and grow old with someone

5) be true to myself, do what I love, and not things to please others

A New Sense of Chill...

I feel slightly calm for the first time since high school...so that would be like 15 years...I can contribute this to a few factors:

1) accepting that I'm pretty much on my own...gotta figure shit out (single for the
first time in a decade-- it's forcing me to grow a pair)...
2) got disability back...a very small amount of money, but at least I can pay rent, I
sometimes feel badly/guilty about this, but I know I can't hold a job (based on my
issues)...I don't want it to be this way forever, but I am thankful for what I have
now...
3) accepted that I am who I am, I am where I am, am not perfect..but trying to improve
4) I am a "late bloomer"...I've had problems, a lot of help, but I hope for a better
future...I'm not giving up, nor am I a lost cause...
5) we all have our own path
6) If you try to be what you love, you will attract what you love...I am trying to
follow my bliss...life isn't perfect, but it's improving :)

I have had a weird couple of years...broke up with the ex-fiance, (due to our various problems), had a few unrequited romances...other assorted problems...and then I realized I wasn't being my authentic self. I need to focus on improving my life and being happy. Being true to myself, even if that doesn't please the masses. I think I will be OK in the end.

Went Home to Visit...

It has actually been an enlightening experience. I have grown a greated appreciation for my friends and family, even though they piss me off sometimes. Also, I am reminded (by myself), that I am not perfect, and perhaps I overract to various situations and people...

Something has changed in me as of late. I have let go of certain expectations of myself, adn also of other people. I think I will be ok. Even if I am barely scraping by, earning $8 an hour I think I will be OK. I'm not sure what brought about this change exactly, but something changed. Have I hit a rock bottom? This year has been REALLY BAD, and I've experienced many lossed and various humiliations, so maybe that is part of it. Who knows...something has chilled a bit within my psyche though..

Currently

I dropped out of the tech school classes...I was in a very bad place...the air force guy dumped me, my ex got another girl, my gramma died...I was having problems with my artist friends ( a couple of them) and moved to another building...to much at one time...

Things are clearing a bit now...I've excepted that my ex fiance and I are toxic for one another, and also I love him adn took him for granted. We both made mistakes, adn both know it cannot work. I am trying to figure out how much contact I should have with him...I think the air force guy and I will remain friends, but knowing him, I'm guessing he'll be chasing a lot of tail when he gets back, so I'll only talk to him/see him when he needs advice...

money...who knows...disability for now, but now forever...I want to be self sufficient eventually, but I need to be emotionally stable a bit longer before I can go off or go back to school...

I just need to remind myself that these stressful times-- these too, shall pass...it will be OK. I say this to other people, but often forget to remind myself of this.

Where I'm At...

I have been abnormally depressed lately...(as in staying in bed depressed). My depressions were always anxious and fidgety when I was young, now they just leave me feeling tired. I prefer being tired and depressed to being anxious though.

I finally got my disability check. I am very thankful for this help from the government, but I also feel like a loser. It's strange-- I don't mind at all if someone else needs disability, but I am very hard on myself. I would like to have some type of gainful employment (as they call it), but I am just not currently capable of working full time. My anxiety levels are quite bad, and my bulimia has gotten a bit worse in the last 2 weeks...

The demise of my relationship with the guy I was dating is making it all worse. He gave me all this crap about how he couldn't be involved with my cause he was leaving for Iraq, he can't trust anyone-- blah balh balh...so he said he though we should just be friends. A day or two after he dumps me he starts dating a 22 year old who he falls madly in love with-- and she in turn, after 3 weeks of dating him, decides to get back with her ex. (karma :)....then again, maybe the 22 year old got back together with my former duded. Who knows, we no longer have contact. I am sad.

I was supposed to take a couple of classes at the tech school in a couple of weeks, but I am not sure if I am up for it, or would even like it. (CNA stuff). I got the idea from taking care of my gramma. I don't know, we'll see

I am Back Home Because My Grandma is Dying of Cancer

This is very upsetting. I feel like an asshole. I separated myself from my family about 7 years ago because I felt like I could not live up to their expectations. I felt pressure to be thin, perfect, athletic, and also have a mega career. In retrospect, perhaps I put these expecations on myself. Anyway...I was gone for a long time, but I came back to visit last August with the encouragement of a guy I had just started dating. He told me he didn't see his grandma right before she died and he always regretted it. She only has a couple of weeks now, so I am here.

When I entered the house I was so sad. My grandma looked very frail and old. I was overwhelmed with sadness and cried on and off during the hour and a half long visit. I gave her a hug and asked her how she felt. I can't recall what exactly she said, but the gist I got was that she was not in pain, but very tired and weak. I told her I was sorry I was gone so long, and she said sometimes absense makes the heart grow fonder. I also said I had to go and find myself. She said she knew I didn't have an easy road. I said I still didn't, but I was hoping I'd find my way. She asked me about my boyfriend, and I said he didn't want to boyfriend and girlfriend, but we still might be dating. I said the situation was confusing, but I really liked him. I said maybe I wasn't "the one" for him, and she said, "maybe you are." I held her hand for like an hour and a half. I hugged her and cried on and off. I thanked her for helping raise me, and she commented that we had a good time. I said, remember when we used to go"bumming?"...she said she liked all the garage sales we went to. I commented on the antique shops as well, and how much fun it was decorating Christmas cookies with her...She said she loved me, and I said I loved her too. I then went to visit with my aunt and cousin, and came back to grandma and grandpas for dinner. Grandma invited me to stay over, and I did. It was nice to be home.

Being Attractive By Being You...

This is a really cool post I read on another blog:

http://tobeme.wordpress.com/2009/08/28/being-attrative-by-being-you/#comment-15369

After reading this I couldnt help but aske myself, who the hell am I? I really don't feel attractive, though I recently started dating this hot air force guy within the last month. I have grown more and more insecure over the past week. After reading this post I wonder if it's because I am not being myself...so the question then is
WHO AM I???? Maybe if I figure it out and just be myself, I will feel better...However, I do find when I am being myself I am often ridiculted or critized, because part of being me is being hyper and vulger...Here's who I am...Who are you?

I am:

1) hyper and occassionally obnoxious...(surely someone out there may appreciate this, right)????

2) a romantic, although I am a tomboy

3) I swear like a sailor (bothers most people)

4) I am a good drawer, an OK painter

5) I love animals, especially dogs

6) I feel comfortable in comfortable loose fitting clothing...I don't like dressing seductively...I don't mind dressing "cute" though...

7) I am completely insecure...especially about my body and also my lack of career and money...

8) I want to grow old with a wonderful man and watch the sunset on the porch...with the dog of course...

9) I enjoy repetitive boring activities, and prefer not to deal with intense interpersonal situations with people I don't know...I have social anxiety problems...I should be an accountant...but I'm also scared of complicated computer programs and going back to school..

10) I fear life

IN SUMMARY: Being myself means accepting that I am insecure, and only deal with people who don't mind that I am a scrappy hyper tomboy who happens to swear a lot...no wonder I don't attract anyone...would this actually attract anyone???

I am in the dark place today...

The Tech School Tour..

It went well. I liked the bulding, I liked the teachers...but do I really want to go back to school for 2 years, to have a starting wage of roughly $10 per hour??? That is the question...well, one of them.

I already have a bachelor's degree (art), and I have already had jobs that pay this much, though I didn't really like any of them. I'm sick of being broke. As much as I love animals I may have to pursue another route to support my art habit. Accounting makes the most sense right now, as it would go hand in hand with having my own business...the next questions is, what type of schooling or degree...

this sucks, why didn't I do something about his years ago. Oh wait, I was really fucked up. Like more so than I am currently.

So I Have an Appointment To Go on a Tour of a Local Tech School

To check out their vet tech program...funny how quickly I change tunes, right??? Ok, I really love dogs...Only problem is bet techs dont' get paid shit, especially in my portions of the country, so I am having doubts already...

I don't know if I am going to do it...maybe I should stick with the med assistant idea adn shit...I don't know...I just want to get married and be an artist/housewife...is that bad???? I feel like that is bad, and I am not supposed to feel that way, as a result of the baby boomers, gen x, and gen y (and for the record, I am at the end of gen x)...I am confused...

Oh my god...I think I have a Plan..

Something just clicked in my head:

1) take a non-credit quickbooks class (for my own purposes)
2) get a tech diploma-- either a medical assistant or LPN (probably medical assistant)
3) take college level transfer classes and then try to get into school to be a physician's assistant..

why? Here's why:

I have been fascinated with medical science for the last 7 years. If I get a tech/degree or diploma I will at least have a "practical" skill to help makes ends meet. Maybe $25,000 k a year? Not much, but enough to get by...I would love to go to med school, but that may be too daunting...maybe I could handle school for a physician's assistant...my aunt does it, and she doesn't seem much smarter than I am, in terms of IQ...more grounded perhaps (she's in her 50's though)...and quickbooks??? because it would help me with my art shit...and I still do have a curiosity about accounting-- this non-credit class would help give me an idea I believe...

So there you have it. Let's see if I can do it...I would like to thank all my art friends who are driven and successful, as well as the all men who have fucked me over-- they have all inspired me to improve my life and become self sufficient...

Life's Milestones...

So I've been thinking about what a lot of people my age have accomplished this far, and decided to see how I measure up. Yeah, perhaps junenille and stupid, but when it's night, and I'm alone, and I can't sleep...I can't help but write. So here we go...at at 31.5 years many people in the United States (that I grew up with)

1) are married-- NO for me
2) have kids-- NO for me
3) have a career-- NO for me
4) are above the poverty line-- NO for me


OK, pathetic and self indulgent, but I thought I would mention these things. This post was inspired by my college buddy adn his wife who works for the government. Apparently she is writing a book, and it is almost done. Yeah. Glad he picked the right girl. He could have ended up with a dud like me. Yeah...

Here's what I have going for me though:

1) I am a painter with my own art studio (even if my Dad is paying the rent)
2) I moved across the country from home (some people are afraid to do that)

umm...that's about it...I feel behind on the life's milestones...I think it is in part because i want to be a housewife/artist with a kid or two and a wonderful husband....not sure if I'll ever get there but I can hope right????

I am Scared of Life...

I think perhaps this is my biggest problem. That and the fact that I am a perfectionist. I worry that if I screw up (whatever it is I am doing) I will ruin my future chances...of whatever...I am also so afraid of failure I often don't try things....

Let me put it to you this way. I did well in school. I have book smarts, and went to a college that is ranked in the top 50 in the entire country. I will say though, back when I went it was easier to get in. Not sure if I could get in now...But if I could do that, and still did well, (even though I went part time)...it leads me to believe that fear of failure is what is holding me back. Now, if kids I went to high school with, who barely pulled of b's and c's are now nurses, you would think I could do more than work in a coffee shop for $7 an hour...

Maybe I just need to not be so scared and do SOMETHING. I am thinking a tech degree. I already have a bachelors...(in art, so it's pretty useless)....I need something to earn $25,000 to $30,000 per year. I think then I would be self sufficient. Not living high on the hog obviously, but enough to pay my own bills...no help from my dad.

Why am I so fucking scared of everything? Oh wait, it's because I don't want to fuck up. But wait, by not trying I am fucking up. I really want to go to med school. I fear though I will have a nervous breakdown trying...and I still would need to do like 2 more years of undergrad science...uh...maybe not a good idea....I would really like that though!!! ;)

This fear of life, failure and everything has affected my relationships with men too...I have let too many men (and boys when I was younger) just float on by, figuring they would leave anyway. Perhaps this was a self fulfilling profecy.....I could have had sex that one time with Josh, and now he's gone...one minor example, but you know??? man...

I need to not be so scared of everything and do SOMETHING.....Yeah, I've been out of school so long maybe a diploma program or tech degree...

New Years Resolutions...6 Months Later...

Here is what I wrote 6 months ago, and how I am doing with said resolutions:

1) be more productive as an artist...

I think I have been. Josh has helped motivate me in the past couple of months...Since December I have sold 4 originals and many prints...I started painting at night and am more productive as an artist...not self sufficent, but definitely more productive, and selling more at my stuidio...

1B) dont' let my depression anxiety issues prevent me from doing art-- do some anyway-- even if it's shitty...

I'm doing the art anyway!!!! Again, thank Josh for that one...for a while there (this spring)...I was at the studios at night a lot, partially because i knew he would be there(this spring, and partially because i had an inkling he would be there...and I discovered I work betyer at night..I have painted more and longer...

2) don't get involved with men who are bad for me-- better to be single and less insane....

Um...this is complicated...there was Sam, and also (kinda Josh)...I will blame this on the booze...however...I am behaving now, for the most part, and am not involved with anyone...as much as I would love to be involved with Josh...he is in another city 10 hours away though...I am at a point in my life where I am having a little more self respect and don't want to sleep with anyone unless I love them and they treat me well..the last time I had sex with Sam he wouldn't even kiss me...I DON'T want that...I want love and passion and romance...or nothing at all...which reminds me...I haven 't had sex in a month and a half...almost 2 months????

3) less booze-- it's making me fat, giving me more lines, and making me feel a bit drained. Don't get me wrong people, I don't drink during the day or anything, but I don't want it to age me...I like to have some once in a while though, cause it mellow me out. Maybe twice a week?

I am doing a little better with this. I don't drink tequilla or hard liquor every night. I now drink beer or wine. Basically I have cut down on the hard core shit in a big way, but am still drinking the softer stuff for the time being...I did enough stupid shit this year to reealize too much drinking makes me do stupid shit.


4) start doing yoga again-- I miss having abs. I used to be skinny and rather toned

OK, I have not yet conquered this yet...still need to..

4b) get back down to 112 pounds and have abs (relates to doing yoga, less booze...less bad food too)...

the last time I weighed myself I was at about 115 (2 weeks ago)... This is 7 pounds less than a year ago, and 1 pound less than what I weighed 2 years ago when I first moved to this new city and started eating a lot of fatty foods and drinking too much...I am getting closer to this goal... I do need to work on my abs though...

5) don't let the "Alex" thing depress me-- he was an asshole anyway...good thing I found about before I was involved with him longer...

refer to 5B

5b) don't let the "alex" shit prevent me from being a productive artist

Oddly enough, the Josh thing helped me get over Alex. I can safely say now I am over Alex and am more productive of an artist. No matter how hot the sex was with Alex, I would not want to be with someone who treated me that way. How can you make love to someone on multiple occasions and just break off all contact??? Heartless asshole. I don't want a heartless asshole...i want someone who treats me with love and respect

6) take multivitamins and eat more vegetables

I started taking the multivitamins again this week...I'm doing so so on eating more vegetables...I don't eat them everyday, but have been eating more salads as of late...



7) be OK with getting older, being single, having no career, and doing nothing impressive with my life...it's oK to be sub-par...fuck what my asshole family thinks. they can take their precious master's degrees and shove them up their ass...

AMAZINGLY...I have gotten a bit better with this too...I would rather be single than be in a shitty relationship...I would rather be poor, yet getting by, than doing a job I hate, and which makes me miserable...I still kind of want a master's degree...but only if it fits my life aims...

OVERALL:...Holy shit-- I've done pretty well on the New Year's Resolutions thus far!!

Once Again Thinking About Grad School...

Grad school is what brought me to this city in the first place. I gave it 3 days, and I knew this particular program at this particular school was not a good fit. I bailed on a fellowship that payed half my tuition. I was rather depressed about this for a good 6 months. I felt like a gigantic loser at the time. I don't regret it though. It was the right call, I know that now. At the time, it was the only school I got into. This is my chance to rework my portfolio and get into a school or program that would be a better fit. For a while I was convinced I should try to become a nurse or physician's assistant or something...something mega practical. Even a CNA or a bookkeeper or something-- like a one year tech degree...Lately I have realized I may be better of sticking with something that I am good at and that wont' make me insane...

So here's what I am thinking...MAYBE a tech degree in accounting or bookkeeping (because oddly enough for an artsy type, I get a sick pleasure out of "inventory" and various mathematical problems...this way I will have a "skill."...and then maybe I can try the grad school thing again if I want, and if I can get in a program that would be a better fit...

Something about Josh made me really wantn to get my shit together-- IMMEDIATELY....I think I met him for a reason, and this was it-- get your shit together, do what you love, and don't let anyone get in the way.

Thank you Josh.

Starting Over

This is what I am trying to do anyway, in terms of career and lifestyle. I don't like the way my life has gone in the last decade, well...the last 20 years to be precise. Lets just say things definitely have gone down hill in my adult life, and it's time to pick up the pieces again. Time to figure out the career stuff, and eat better and drink less. Interestingly enough, drinking helped cut down on my bulimia...I guess it's not necessarily a good thing to replace one vice with another, however, given the bulimia almost killed me in my early 20's I guess I should take any improvement I can get. I only throw up a couple of times a week now. I used to throw up 10 times a day at my worst, and even 2 years ago I was still at 5 times per day. Now to cut down on the booze. Living with Sam is helping with that. And the fact that I have no money. And the fact that Josh probably thinks I am insane. These things are enough to keep the partying in check. I want a good life. I want a good job, a house, a husband, and maybe a kid or two. I realize I won't have these things though unless I lead a healthier lifestyle and get my shit together. I think I am finally ready to be an adult. Kind of sad to say for a 31 year old...but better late than never. (I had some delays in life I guess)....maybe I should just start taking classes and see if something clicks...

No Word From Josh...

Granted, it's only been a few days, but still....I feel that my most recent email was a bit to rambling, and perhaps the straw that broke the camels back. If that is even really possible at this point)...I wonder if it was apparent I was totally bombed at the time I wrote it. He once said he doesn't want to date anyone too much like him. Josh drinks a lot. I drink a lot. He's been in rehab. I have not. Let's just say I like to get shitfaced, but I function. Josh reached a stage where he cut down on the hard stuff, and he now drinks a six pack every night. Once in a while he goes out and gets shit faced. He admits he has trouble once he goes for the hard stuff. Anyway, my point is that I fear he thinks I am a drunk. I hope he does not think that. I do like to drink, I won't deny that. I dont' think I've reaches the status yet though, of being a drunk. I suppose it doesn't matter anyway. He is gone. I miss him. Sam ran into one of his friends today while we were at the vet getting our dog fixed. Sam mentioned he would be going down to Josh's new city to visit. I wish I could come. I won't ask of course...I feel like an ass as it is. Anyway, I'm sure Sam will want me to watch the dog. Tonight Sam is trying to seduce "Asheley." They are currently in the backyard doing some kind of candle light thing...I'm glad I figured Sam out before I actually fell for him. That dude is fickle. One minute he was in love with Kim, and then it was back to Ashley...and then the Asian nurse, and now back to Ashely...this is why I try not to get involved with younger men...

What I Wrote to Josh tonight...

HI Josh! :)

I know you're not much of an email person but I hope this is OK. I am really not very good at interpersonal communication like you are, but maybe this is OK????...for this second, .or this moment....??? ....(I'm sorry about that--I'm kind of shy, and am frequently very tongue tied-- I am working on that though)..i wish I had your "gift of the gab"....I really don't though, and I must honestly recognize this....I am better at writing than speaking currently and this is one of things I admire about you....You are magnificently eloquent...

Anyway....this is why I am emailing instead of calling???....maybe you are busy watching golf....or hockey...or painting...something????....(by they way, I do believe Tiger can still catch up, there is hope right???)..... :D ...and for the record...my Dad still thinks Steve Sticker can win it all, because he is From Wisconsin!! :O.....my dad refers to Edgerton as the armpit of America...interesting...anyhow (really, I don't know shit about golf).......

I hope life in your new city is treating you well. I was talking to Jacob the other day and he mentioned he had a friend down there who saw your art there. They recognized your work and that is wonderful! I am so happy for you!!! :) ...I hope that you are happy and that life is treating you well. ( and I hope you are selling an assload ass well -- you are a wonderful person and deserve a great life-- I suspect ancient Greece is calling (watch out Socrates)....I think you will get to that ancient collusium just yet)!!!!) ....I'm guessing you will get there sooner than you think....togas are a good thing.... :)

We all miss you so much and wish you the best. I do hope you keep in touch if you have the time or inclination :)

xoxo Kelly :)

By the way-- congrats on the $300 worth or prints you recently sold up here - -I imagine though you are probably doing even better in you new city despite kicking ass here :)

If you ever need help with anything here please let me know--I'd love to help you out., not6hing in exchange... Just let me know, because I am nice like that :)

We all miss you so much :) life is not the same without you....I want to call you but I feel as though I suck at communicating in person...(ie: phone or ...actually in person)...let us blame this on social anxiety issues....



Your new city sounds like a wonderful place to be. I know you don't really like email--and maybe I should just call you. I actually really suck at interpersonal communication, and this is why I am currently emailing you instead of calling you......so I am emailing you instead of calling you...but I should really do that....maybe I will????? ....umm.... iam not good at such things...

I will say though, I think of you often and hope life is treating you well and that you are happy beyond belief because you are a fabulous person and deserve that.

Ok, maybe I was Being Paranoid...

I think living with Sam with be Ok. I guess it's just like many roomate situations-- just needed a period of adjustment....I'm still without my own internet and still using his laptop so this will be brief. I still have not heard from Josh. It was 2 weeks ago I last spoke with him. He has been gone for 3 weeks now. This truly sucks. He loves his new city though. I can't blame him for not calling...I've also been reflecting on all the fucked up things I have done this year. I was very very naughty this year...in some ways for the good and some ways for the bad...I need to get my shit together, this much is obvious.

The New Place...

So I am now living with Sam...interesting...And I am currently on his laptop and he is sitting abou 5 feet away from me so this may be brief...I'm not sure how I like this setup...He is rather bossy...I don't like that...He's one of those types where he always has to be right. Why can't he just leave me alone, or why can't we just agree to disagree? He mostly criticizes the fact that I am too lenient with the dog. Whatever...control freak...

I told him tonight (after a few beers) that maybe the reason woman always leave him is because he scolds them. I told him women don't like to be scolded.....I don't know what his fucking problem is...he told me that he was hard on his ex girlfriend Anne as well..uh...I'm not his girlfriend, I am his roomate...I will call him on this next time...Every opinion I have is apparently wrong..

I will try to make the best of the situation, but I don't see myself staying here for too long unless our communicaiton improves...