Leaving Home...(for the first time)

For some reason this popped into my head tonight....I think it's becauase I was watching a movie that happend to feature college age people...

I will never forget the afternoon I left home for college. I was in the downstairs of our split level home, and looking out the back window. I was trying not to cry hysterically. I was scared shitless. I am an introvert. I don't make friends easily. I don't like new things. I am a chicken shit. Anyway I was teary eyed and all. I did cry...but I tried to keep it "quiet."...And then I heard my Dad at the top of the stairs say it was time to go....

I don't know if he knew I was crying. He probably did. Parents know those things i think. He dropped me at my dorm or something (I dont' recall the details about that part)...and before we got there he bought me a sandwich from a gas station, which I later at for dinner. Also, I went to the student union that afternoon, meeting no one of course...but I do recall calling my Dad from the union, that first night from home.

This post isn't particularly relevant to anything in my life currently, other than the fact that I am currently very far from home. (I moved across the country awhile back and it's just kinda strange- both good and bad)...

It was so traumatic for me to go to college as an undergrad, yet college was only like 30 minutes from home! :O...funny...

When You Spend Your Life Pushing People Away...

You end up like me?...

Perhaps...I know I've spent much of my life doing so-- as far back as elementary school. I kid you not, I remember this....Goes back to "Brett"...who of course, is not really Brett..."Brett" is the kid from back in fourth grade. We were good friends. We "liked" each other...but I was too chicken to be his girlfriend...so I said "no" (via a friend)...one of the biggest regrets of my life of course...why?...I know I was only 10, but it set a precedent...I kept pushing people away, because it was safer for me to reject them, then for them to ultimately reject me. At least this is the conclusion I have come to. "Brett" is now married and has at least one kid (I saw it in the paper years ago)..I think he has multiple kids at this point. And the worst part is, he married a girl who was a total snot-- she threw gum in my hair once...(%%$#@!@!#$)!...why?... :( ...

Anyway, this has been the trend in my life. There was another boy after that, and then another boy-- but he turned out to be gay, so I guess it wouldnt' have worked anyway...then there was "Jeremy" who I have mentioned before. I have been doing better with that lately...I can't have him, it was A LONG time ago...I've also realized we wouldn't have been compatible. There was part of me that knew we just were not quite right-- you know what I mean?...when there are little quirks, idosyncrasities (how spell?)....that you keep obsessing over?...stupid as it may sound-- I know we were not compatible in certain ways. He was good looking in a way, but not my type physically. He was a lot taller than me-- like a foot taller! I know that may sound stupid...but there is something to be said about basic human attraction. I think it has something to do with reproductive biology or something...

What was my point...I don't recall exactly...but I have pushed a lot of boys/men away in my life. I think in retrospect it is because I fear abandonement. (my mom did die when I was a little kid and all)...I regret some of this pushing away. These boys (now men) were lovely people. They are now fathers (oddly enough all 3 of them-- the ones I regret pushing away)....an I am me. I am getting older now. Not old, but old enough where I am thinking about kids some...like it will be much harder to have them in 10 years!!! >O...It's not about kids though. It's about people I connected with, and threw it away, because I was insecure. And I miss them. I have regrets. The song here was popular was I was a junior in high school. I think it gets to the point about how I am feeling about this.