Just When I Think I am Breaking Out of My Most Recent Depression...

I'm not...

The last 3 months have been bad. Like one of the worst depressions I have ever been in. I do have moments though when I think I am going to pull out of it. For instance, I recently started working on an oil painting, I got in the groove, and was feeling pretty good for 2 days.

But then the next day I started obsessing about the same old stuff again-- mainly, what's going to happen to me in 10-20 years. I worry I will not get disability back, and also that I will never be able to hold a decent paying job, as I lack job skills. I worry I will be homeless and die on the steets. Sounds bizarre right? These are the things I seriously think about. I think I have some kind of OCD thing going on, in addition to severe anxiety.

I prefer depression to anxiety though, anxiety is the worst. Especially social anxiety-- it always made any workplace situation difficult for me. I either don't say enough, or I say too much. I can't stand up for myself until I get so pissed off that I say something stupid. I'm too old to be this way, and am trying to improve on my social anxiety issues. All my anxiety issues really. Not much luck though.

I think I need to move across the country again. I know you can't run away from your problems, but I am not liking where I am living. The crime rate is bad and the climate does not agree with me. There's also not many jobs here (is there anywhere though)?

My Former Classmates are Doctors!...Lets Celebrate With Alcohol....

Yes, it is true...They are medical doctors, they are PhD doctors...and they are also lawyers...Me?....I am unemployed and just have a crappy bachelor's degree. Why? Because it was too difficult to pursue further schooling, with my issues of depression, anxiety, and bulimia...(I can't even hold a fucking full time job).

I thought I would celebrate being a loser by enjoying some fine liquer....I had determined 2 months ago my love affair with lady Amaretto must come to and end (as she was making me fat)--lots of calories in that shit...But anyway, I decided to splurge, and go for one more round. (For the record I've gained 7 pounds this year, which is quite noticable on a 5'4 frame)...I have lost 4 of those pounds though, in the last month)...I am slowly getting back to the lower end of average on the body mass index thingie...

By the way, this is another "facebook" post...I recently discovered (and not to my surprise) that a guy friend of mine from the dorms freshman year, is now a medical doctor...Let's call him Gacey the Clown....(he does have a disturbing giggle, and I am running out of aliases for people)...

This was a guy who was very into science, obviously intelligent and was also very into "himself"...you know what I mean?...turns out he still is...No, don't get me wrong, he is a nice guy. He just has a certain way of communicating with me, where it's almost condescending...

For example...one of his friends was one of the few guys to ever kind of "come on" to me in college...When I asked this Gacey the Clown about said friend, and mentioned jokingly that he was always coming on to me, (always talking about his "seed" and such) Gacey's response was "yeah whatever,"...and then he went on rambling about his residency some more...(he said "yeah whatever" in that YEAH right kind of way...

Lovely....Needless to say, I won't be searching for many other friends from my past on Facebook-- too deppresing. (For the record, I've only added like 3, and about 10 have added me-- why? I have no fucking idea-- these people never gave me the time of day back in highg school)...

I might have to delete my facebook account...I'm just so curious about everyone else though!...I'll keep ya posted...

When You Spend Your Life Pushing People Away...

You end up like me?...

Perhaps...I know I've spent much of my life doing so-- as far back as elementary school. I kid you not, I remember this....Goes back to "Brett"...who of course, is not really Brett..."Brett" is the kid from back in fourth grade. We were good friends. We "liked" each other...but I was too chicken to be his girlfriend...so I said "no" (via a friend)...one of the biggest regrets of my life of course...why?...I know I was only 10, but it set a precedent...I kept pushing people away, because it was safer for me to reject them, then for them to ultimately reject me. At least this is the conclusion I have come to. "Brett" is now married and has at least one kid (I saw it in the paper years ago)..I think he has multiple kids at this point. And the worst part is, he married a girl who was a total snot-- she threw gum in my hair once...(%%$#@!@!#$)!...why?... :( ...

Anyway, this has been the trend in my life. There was another boy after that, and then another boy-- but he turned out to be gay, so I guess it wouldnt' have worked anyway...then there was "Jeremy" who I have mentioned before. I have been doing better with that lately...I can't have him, it was A LONG time ago...I've also realized we wouldn't have been compatible. There was part of me that knew we just were not quite right-- you know what I mean?...when there are little quirks, idosyncrasities (how spell?)....that you keep obsessing over?...stupid as it may sound-- I know we were not compatible in certain ways. He was good looking in a way, but not my type physically. He was a lot taller than me-- like a foot taller! I know that may sound stupid...but there is something to be said about basic human attraction. I think it has something to do with reproductive biology or something...

What was my point...I don't recall exactly...but I have pushed a lot of boys/men away in my life. I think in retrospect it is because I fear abandonement. (my mom did die when I was a little kid and all)...I regret some of this pushing away. These boys (now men) were lovely people. They are now fathers (oddly enough all 3 of them-- the ones I regret pushing away)....an I am me. I am getting older now. Not old, but old enough where I am thinking about kids some...like it will be much harder to have them in 10 years!!! >O...It's not about kids though. It's about people I connected with, and threw it away, because I was insecure. And I miss them. I have regrets. The song here was popular was I was a junior in high school. I think it gets to the point about how I am feeling about this.