The Panic of Aging...

I have nothing against aging persay-- it is unavoidable. What freaks me out is that I am at an age where I feel very "behind" my peers. Almost delayed perhaps-- and I feel like it's too late to catch up. I am referring to a lack of career and any basic job skills of course. So much has changed since I was in college-- it's all technology now, I feel to intimidated and too old to go back. I know it's not a competition, and I don't look at it as so. I just don't like feeling like a loser. Do I really want my Dad paying my rent when I am 40? What happened to my life??? I am thankful for the help of course, don't get me wrong.

Every year that goes by I feel I have wasted-- another year of schooling, etc..gone by.

Perhaps I am the Problem...

For a large portion of my life I thought everyone else was the problem. A common thought, correct?

But how could the whole world, with over 5 billion people be in the wrong, and I be in the right? (sorry if this was not stated in proper English by the way)...granted this is a broad generalization-- but you know what I mean.

I lost my childhood friends. Maybe it wasn't cause they were snobby, maybe it was because I was hyper and obnoxious. The boys in college didn't take interest in me-- maybe it wasn't because they were arrogant-- maybe it was cause I dressed like a little tomboy and had no self esteem. I had problems at most crappy paying jobs I've had since college-- maybe the people weren't all totatlly stupid/inept (though some definitely were to some degree)-- maybe it was because I was an arrogant little shit who thought I was better than the job. (A degree from a good university doesn't mean shit I have discovered if it's just in art and you have no job skills)...

Basically, I am over myself. I have realized I had an ego, and perhaps I shouldn't have. I am a little fish in a huge pond now. Insted of a medium sized fish in a little one...ya know...but how do I put this realization to use?

I haven't figured that out totally, except I am slightly more humbled perhaps. Still feeling sorry for myself, but humbled nonetheless...

I Hate Main Stream Cutsie Shite...

And I do mean shite...

Perhaps I am a bit jaded...perhaps I am getting a bit older...but at least one thing does not change...Cute prevails!!!! FUCK CUTE!!!!!...

My entire life I have had to deal with beautiful cute people who always come out on top...and it they weren't, per say..."cute"....they were at least "main stream"...and could therefore be successful..

I am at that angry bitter point in my life where I am too old to be cute, too strange to be main stream, to anxiety riddent to go further with my education to attempt to rise above....I am jsut bitter and angry....and too pissed off to do anything but complain..but that is why I created this blog-- so if you want to say anything nasty, FUCK YOU-- I will delete your comment. I write this secret blog for thereaputic purposes...

I have come to the conclusion I can probably never be successful in any venture I head into...I should just get it over with and do really wierd art and not sell any of it...why not?...FUCK YOU fucking cute people.....

My Former Classmates are Doctors!...Lets Celebrate With Alcohol....

Yes, it is true...They are medical doctors, they are PhD doctors...and they are also lawyers...Me?....I am unemployed and just have a crappy bachelor's degree. Why? Because it was too difficult to pursue further schooling, with my issues of depression, anxiety, and bulimia...(I can't even hold a fucking full time job).

I thought I would celebrate being a loser by enjoying some fine liquer....I had determined 2 months ago my love affair with lady Amaretto must come to and end (as she was making me fat)--lots of calories in that shit...But anyway, I decided to splurge, and go for one more round. (For the record I've gained 7 pounds this year, which is quite noticable on a 5'4 frame)...I have lost 4 of those pounds though, in the last month)...I am slowly getting back to the lower end of average on the body mass index thingie...

By the way, this is another "facebook" post...I recently discovered (and not to my surprise) that a guy friend of mine from the dorms freshman year, is now a medical doctor...Let's call him Gacey the Clown....(he does have a disturbing giggle, and I am running out of aliases for people)...

This was a guy who was very into science, obviously intelligent and was also very into "himself"...you know what I mean?...turns out he still is...No, don't get me wrong, he is a nice guy. He just has a certain way of communicating with me, where it's almost condescending...

For example...one of his friends was one of the few guys to ever kind of "come on" to me in college...When I asked this Gacey the Clown about said friend, and mentioned jokingly that he was always coming on to me, (always talking about his "seed" and such) Gacey's response was "yeah whatever,"...and then he went on rambling about his residency some more...(he said "yeah whatever" in that YEAH right kind of way...

Lovely....Needless to say, I won't be searching for many other friends from my past on Facebook-- too deppresing. (For the record, I've only added like 3, and about 10 have added me-- why? I have no fucking idea-- these people never gave me the time of day back in highg school)...

I might have to delete my facebook account...I'm just so curious about everyone else though!...I'll keep ya posted...