So I Really Wish I Could Go Back to School Again...

I know I can't handle the stress though. Most grad schools for fine art require you to go full time, and this is not something I can do. I know this because I tried, and it didn't work. I only lasted a few days....(It also wasn't that great of a school though, so maybe that had something to do with it). Even as an undergrad I had to go part time though, because of my inability to handle stress...

There is a part of me that won't feel complete unless I get an MFA. As stupid and impractacle as that may sound, it's just something I really, really WANT...I've been out of the loop for so long now it would be hard to get into a good school. (Even if I could handle the stress)...The school I actually got into, when I tried, was my last choice.

It hit me again yesterday, the wanting to be in school. I was on a walk, and I looked up and saw this old red, brick building. It looked like the some of the buildings from my undergrad university, and there was a slight breeze. The physical sensation of it all gave me this deja vu thing for fall semester of my freshman year of college. That whole scene-- the building, the breeze, some 18 year old looking kid tossing a football, reminded me of that time. (and by the way jocks annoy me so that wasn't particularly related to the nostalgia-- just a side note)...

Anway, I hope I can handle school again someday...maybe...hopefully...I almost feel like I'm too old now! :O ...

Another Fabulous Round of Insomnia...

Can you sense my sarcasm?...

I have been up since 6 AM. I have no reason to be up this early...it is now 9:30 AM. I was lying in bed and feeling shitty about my general life situation, and just couldn't fall back asleep. So I got up, ate a carton of strawberry pop tarts, puked, and surfed the net. Why? Because I have no life, and have been rather depressed for the last week.

Why depressed?...I've been this way since I was about 14. It runs in the family. But also, there are those special enviromental factors psychologists love to talk about! :) Let's just say I was picked on a lot in adolescence, and somehow never got over it. Yes, it was a long time ago, but my brain never appropriately adapted or something. Little things get to me, and I have trouble getting over the little things. I obsess, I dwell...and when I do these things I get depressed As a result I have a serious lack of motivation and difficulty staying focused on the task at hand.

I've been thinking a lot about "Jeremy" lately. I've been thinking about his perfect life, with his pefect wife, and their perfect baby. I can't help but notice his perfect wife, (who somewhat resembles me), is prettier, potentially skinnier, looks a lot younger than her age, and is most certainly smarter. (You know, the type with a very important job at a young age). I wish I could have that life. As it stands, I will most likely die at a young age, single, because I am a depressive and have no health insurance. I hope I don't get cancer.

Let's Talk About the Time I Had a Blood Transfusion and almost Died! :)

Yippie! :).... Can you sense my joy?.. and by the way, I apologize for my crankiness in my last post...I was feeling a bit... uh...."emotional"....

Anyway, when I was 21 years old I had to have a blood transfusion, as the result of my eating disorder. (Yeah, this is back when I actually had health insurance)....I was pretty athletic back then, I was a runner. I was suddenly feeling tired, my legs were "giving out on me"...I remember going on a run, and almost collapsing. I had to sit down for a moment because my legs gave out. (and before this, when I was healthier, I would run like 5 miles a day). When I walked up the stairs at college, I would bend over and gasp for breath after 6 flights of stairs. (again, a girl who used to run 30 minutes to an hour a day-- a few flights of stairs should be nothing....)....

I told my therapist about how my legs felt so tired, and how I would pant at the top of the stairs. She was immediately concerned. (She actually used to be a nurse, before pursing a PhD in therapy). She called someone she knew at a local hospital, and I had an appointment shortly thereafter. Diagnosis-- SEVERE anemia. My hemoglobin was 4 point something...It's supposed to be a MINIMUM of 12....(these are red blood cells that help carry oxygen to your muscles or something)...

Because of the apparent severity of my anemia, I had to have a blood transfusion. According to my Dad, I was about a month away from death. He said this is what the doctor told him. I have no idea if this is true, or if he just said this to scare me. I felt very "wrong" though, I will say that. I felt so weak.

Was there something going on in the cosmos? Just a day or two later the "Columbine" shootings took place. I remember being at home, "recovering" from my transfusion, when the Columbine massacre took place. (Which was both fucked up, and yet sickly fascinating)... .The world is so fucked....

The aftermath of my blood transfusion was scary. I suddenly had 2 extra bags of blood in me-- which is a lot of extra liquid. I could feel my heartbeat in my ears...I had too much liquid, which I guess I had to pee out or something...I couldn't lie down. I had to be propped up in bed with a few pillows because of the physical pain and pressure of having all this extra liquid in me. ... After the blood transfusion I was up to a hemoglobin (or is it hematocrit?) of 8...enough to take me out of the MEGA danger zone.... after this I had to take iron supplements for some time to get it back up to 12.

So I dodged that bullet. I can't run anymore-- because 2 or 3 years later I went semi insane and destroyed my knees-- long story... but I'm still here. My legs have recently been feeling mildly weak. I am concerned I may be mildly anemic, but have no way of knowing, because I have no health care, nor can I get it because of my medical history. I started taking iron supplements again. I hope I'm not on the fucking verge of death....

Reason 5,349 I Do Not Spend Time With My Siblings

My sister "Kris" is completely condescending...and no, that's not her real name.....

It really bothers my father that my siblings and I are not close. Oh well. It's hard to be close to someone who talks to you and treats you like you're 5, when in actuality, you are MUCH older. It's also hard to be close to people who are "professionals," and look down on you because you are not. To my siblings, a big FUCK YOU...(Sorry, hope that doesnt' offend you cyber space people, but you should see the way these people have comunicated wiht my in the last 10 years ). I'm not saying I'm right, and they are wrong, I'm just saying we are very different, and spending time with people who think you're a piece of shit is not a fun time.

So here's how it goes....I almost never speak to my siblings on the phone...so whenever I call my Dad, and a sibling happens to be visiting, he shoves them on the phone and makes me talk to them...yeah, fucking great...anyway, here's a synopsis of the last conversation I had with "Kris" a few days ago, as I called my Dad, and she happened to be visiting him, for like the 4th time this year...(they live across the county from each other)...

Oh yeah...backup info: I was paid a whopping $40 last fall to illustrate a book cover for this guy who was self publishing...It took like 20 hours...yeah, I made a lot of dough on that one...anyway, I digress...

So "Kris" says to me about the bookcover..."well that's great, you'll always have that. No one can take that away from you."....YEAH...that's actually what she said...and she said it in that voice like she's talking to a third grader...FUCK YOU!!!!...haven't I heard that fucking line in a movie or something?...anyway, I just said, "uh, thanks."...even though I wanted to tell her snooty ass to fuck off.

And this is just a minor incident..She once got pisses off at me because I was under severe stress (like on the verge of a nervous breakdown) and wanted to quit my job. And for the record, I had a little in savings and another part time job, so I wans't totally fucked or anything...she says "NO, you can't, because Dad will have to send you more money then."...I told her I wouldn't be asking for any more money. Anyway, all she gives a fuck about is her inheritance, screw my mental health. And we're not even a wealthy family-- middle class at best. Nice fucking priorities.

My Former Classmates are Doctors!...Lets Celebrate With Alcohol....

Yes, it is true...They are medical doctors, they are PhD doctors...and they are also lawyers...Me?....I am unemployed and just have a crappy bachelor's degree. Why? Because it was too difficult to pursue further schooling, with my issues of depression, anxiety, and bulimia...(I can't even hold a fucking full time job).

I thought I would celebrate being a loser by enjoying some fine liquer....I had determined 2 months ago my love affair with lady Amaretto must come to and end (as she was making me fat)--lots of calories in that shit...But anyway, I decided to splurge, and go for one more round. (For the record I've gained 7 pounds this year, which is quite noticable on a 5'4 frame)...I have lost 4 of those pounds though, in the last month)...I am slowly getting back to the lower end of average on the body mass index thingie...

By the way, this is another "facebook" post...I recently discovered (and not to my surprise) that a guy friend of mine from the dorms freshman year, is now a medical doctor...Let's call him Gacey the Clown....(he does have a disturbing giggle, and I am running out of aliases for people)...

This was a guy who was very into science, obviously intelligent and was also very into "himself"...you know what I mean?...turns out he still is...No, don't get me wrong, he is a nice guy. He just has a certain way of communicating with me, where it's almost condescending...

For example...one of his friends was one of the few guys to ever kind of "come on" to me in college...When I asked this Gacey the Clown about said friend, and mentioned jokingly that he was always coming on to me, (always talking about his "seed" and such) Gacey's response was "yeah whatever,"...and then he went on rambling about his residency some more...(he said "yeah whatever" in that YEAH right kind of way...

Lovely....Needless to say, I won't be searching for many other friends from my past on Facebook-- too deppresing. (For the record, I've only added like 3, and about 10 have added me-- why? I have no fucking idea-- these people never gave me the time of day back in highg school)...

I might have to delete my facebook account...I'm just so curious about everyone else though!...I'll keep ya posted...

When You Spend Your Life Pushing People Away...

You end up like me?...

Perhaps...I know I've spent much of my life doing so-- as far back as elementary school. I kid you not, I remember this....Goes back to "Brett"...who of course, is not really Brett..."Brett" is the kid from back in fourth grade. We were good friends. We "liked" each other...but I was too chicken to be his girlfriend...so I said "no" (via a friend)...one of the biggest regrets of my life of course...why?...I know I was only 10, but it set a precedent...I kept pushing people away, because it was safer for me to reject them, then for them to ultimately reject me. At least this is the conclusion I have come to. "Brett" is now married and has at least one kid (I saw it in the paper years ago)..I think he has multiple kids at this point. And the worst part is, he married a girl who was a total snot-- she threw gum in my hair once...(%%$#@!@!#$)!...why?... :( ...

Anyway, this has been the trend in my life. There was another boy after that, and then another boy-- but he turned out to be gay, so I guess it wouldnt' have worked anyway...then there was "Jeremy" who I have mentioned before. I have been doing better with that lately...I can't have him, it was A LONG time ago...I've also realized we wouldn't have been compatible. There was part of me that knew we just were not quite right-- you know what I mean?...when there are little quirks, idosyncrasities (how spell?)....that you keep obsessing over?...stupid as it may sound-- I know we were not compatible in certain ways. He was good looking in a way, but not my type physically. He was a lot taller than me-- like a foot taller! I know that may sound stupid...but there is something to be said about basic human attraction. I think it has something to do with reproductive biology or something...

What was my point...I don't recall exactly...but I have pushed a lot of boys/men away in my life. I think in retrospect it is because I fear abandonement. (my mom did die when I was a little kid and all)...I regret some of this pushing away. These boys (now men) were lovely people. They are now fathers (oddly enough all 3 of them-- the ones I regret pushing away)....an I am me. I am getting older now. Not old, but old enough where I am thinking about kids some...like it will be much harder to have them in 10 years!!! >O...It's not about kids though. It's about people I connected with, and threw it away, because I was insecure. And I miss them. I have regrets. The song here was popular was I was a junior in high school. I think it gets to the point about how I am feeling about this.

So I joined Facebook...What the Hell Was I Thinking?....

I feel like I just opened a whole new can of worms...

Normally I would not do something like this...Not that I feel there is anything wrong with websites such as Facebook or Myspace...it's just that I am quite guarded about myself with people I know--- especially people from my past. I really don't want all these people to know the extent to which my life sucks...

So how did this happen you may ask?...2 words-- my boyfriend. His brother is on Facebook, and wanted my boyfriend to join. (They're close-- it's very cute-- they talk constantly on the phone and make fun of each other)...So my boyfriend joined, then made me join. Well, OK...he didn't put a gun to my head or anything...but he requested I join so he could have more than one friend...So I joined...

And then something strange happened....4 people from my past popped up and marked me as a friend, or contact...I accetped naturally , as I am always curious what people are up to. 2 of these friend requests really caught me off guard-- people I've never spent time with really...I chatted with them a little in class way back when...and one of them was actually kinda snarky towards me....kind of shocking he added me really...

So the long and short of it...these people now know I'm a self employed artist. I don't know how I feel about this...they may think "hey cool"!...or they may thinking yeah, that means "unemployed"...both of which opinions being correct naturally :O....I just dont' know how I feel about this...two of the people have already googled me and found my art. It's kind of a compliment, but if I fall on my face, have no sales, or have some kinda melt down people may find out...This makes me nervous...

I was always that kid that got picked on, the kid who ate lunch alone...the kid who got good grades, but it didn't matter or get me anywhere because I could not function socially...For the last decade I managed to make myself anonymous to people from my younger years...now because of facebook they found me...I don't know how I feel about this. Perhaps I should delete my account...but then there is this sick fascination with finding people from my past I am curious about...well actually, I hope they find me-- as I am too chicken to approach them...