Oh my god...I think I have a Plan..

Something just clicked in my head:

1) take a non-credit quickbooks class (for my own purposes)
2) get a tech diploma-- either a medical assistant or LPN (probably medical assistant)
3) take college level transfer classes and then try to get into school to be a physician's assistant..

why? Here's why:

I have been fascinated with medical science for the last 7 years. If I get a tech/degree or diploma I will at least have a "practical" skill to help makes ends meet. Maybe $25,000 k a year? Not much, but enough to get by...I would love to go to med school, but that may be too daunting...maybe I could handle school for a physician's assistant...my aunt does it, and she doesn't seem much smarter than I am, in terms of IQ...more grounded perhaps (she's in her 50's though)...and quickbooks??? because it would help me with my art shit...and I still do have a curiosity about accounting-- this non-credit class would help give me an idea I believe...

So there you have it. Let's see if I can do it...I would like to thank all my art friends who are driven and successful, as well as the all men who have fucked me over-- they have all inspired me to improve my life and become self sufficient...

Life's Milestones...

So I've been thinking about what a lot of people my age have accomplished this far, and decided to see how I measure up. Yeah, perhaps junenille and stupid, but when it's night, and I'm alone, and I can't sleep...I can't help but write. So here we go...at at 31.5 years many people in the United States (that I grew up with)

1) are married-- NO for me
2) have kids-- NO for me
3) have a career-- NO for me
4) are above the poverty line-- NO for me


OK, pathetic and self indulgent, but I thought I would mention these things. This post was inspired by my college buddy adn his wife who works for the government. Apparently she is writing a book, and it is almost done. Yeah. Glad he picked the right girl. He could have ended up with a dud like me. Yeah...

Here's what I have going for me though:

1) I am a painter with my own art studio (even if my Dad is paying the rent)
2) I moved across the country from home (some people are afraid to do that)

umm...that's about it...I feel behind on the life's milestones...I think it is in part because i want to be a housewife/artist with a kid or two and a wonderful husband....not sure if I'll ever get there but I can hope right????

I am Scared of Life...

I think perhaps this is my biggest problem. That and the fact that I am a perfectionist. I worry that if I screw up (whatever it is I am doing) I will ruin my future chances...of whatever...I am also so afraid of failure I often don't try things....

Let me put it to you this way. I did well in school. I have book smarts, and went to a college that is ranked in the top 50 in the entire country. I will say though, back when I went it was easier to get in. Not sure if I could get in now...But if I could do that, and still did well, (even though I went part time)...it leads me to believe that fear of failure is what is holding me back. Now, if kids I went to high school with, who barely pulled of b's and c's are now nurses, you would think I could do more than work in a coffee shop for $7 an hour...

Maybe I just need to not be so scared and do SOMETHING. I am thinking a tech degree. I already have a bachelors...(in art, so it's pretty useless)....I need something to earn $25,000 to $30,000 per year. I think then I would be self sufficient. Not living high on the hog obviously, but enough to pay my own bills...no help from my dad.

Why am I so fucking scared of everything? Oh wait, it's because I don't want to fuck up. But wait, by not trying I am fucking up. I really want to go to med school. I fear though I will have a nervous breakdown trying...and I still would need to do like 2 more years of undergrad science...uh...maybe not a good idea....I would really like that though!!! ;)

This fear of life, failure and everything has affected my relationships with men too...I have let too many men (and boys when I was younger) just float on by, figuring they would leave anyway. Perhaps this was a self fulfilling profecy.....I could have had sex that one time with Josh, and now he's gone...one minor example, but you know??? man...

I need to not be so scared of everything and do SOMETHING.....Yeah, I've been out of school so long maybe a diploma program or tech degree...