New Years Resolutions...

Yeah Right...like I can actually pull this shit off. Maybe though. I will only remember them if I write them down though, so here we go:

1) be more productive as an artist...on that note...

1B) dont' let my depression anxiety issues prevent me from doing art-- do some anyway-- even if it's shitty...

2) don't get involved with men who are bad for me-- better to be single and less insane....

3) less booze-- it's making me fat, giving me more lines, and making me feel a bit drained. Don't get me wrong people, I don't drink during the day or anything, but I don't want it to age me...I like to have some once in a while though, cause it mellow me out. Maybe twice a week?

4) start doing yoga again-- I miss having abs. I used to be skinny and rather toned

4b) get back down to 112 pounds and have abs (relates to doing yoga, less booze...less bad food too)...

5) don't let the "Alex" thing depress me-- he was an asshole anyway...good thing I found about before I was involved with him longer...

5b) don't let the "alex" shit prevent me from being a productive artist

6) take multivitamins and eat more vegetables

7) be OK with getting older, being single, having no career, and doing nothing impressive with my life...it's oK to be sub-par...fuck what my asshole family thinks. they can take their precious master's degrees and shove them up their ass...

-- that said--

may it be a year of self acceptance and blissful solitude

dude, I'm tired...

The last month has been really draining. There was my ex relapsing, leading to our breakup, "alex" no longer speaking to me...and all the depression that resulted from this crap.

My ex has not moved out yet, but is looking at apartments. I will miss him in a way, but can't deal with the drama anymore. I am really tired, emotionally and physically. I have gained weight. I feel like a pig.

Mean People Suck...This is why I like having a "secret blog"

So this is one of my 3 blogs. I have 2 secret blogs, and one "business" blog. I try to write nothing too personal in my business blog. Once in a while it does creep out though. Obviously nothing as revealing as this blog...but once in a while I may write something MILDLY personal...

(no nothing about sex)...I wish..

Anyway, on the other blog I wrote something MILDLY personal about a person I am closed to that is ill, and some asshole commented how I need to get a life, how I seemed like a teenager, and not express my personal feeling on the internet. They also told me to stay away from blogging...I'm generally a polite person, but left an email reply that said FUCK OFF...(that was my ex-boyfriends idea)...technically he left the message, I never would have had the guts...

My main point here is that I like having this particular blog to vent. And since it is not my business blog, I can say whatever the fuck I want. I've realized I need to be more careful in my other blog...though I don't reveal THAT much--that's the wierd part. I haven't had a comment on this blog that even compares, and this is the blog I say the personal stuff on...(go figure)....

so assholes pretty much suck, and someone out there in cyberspace has some bad karma coming their way...Seriously, it's not polite to make someone cry on Chritmas. Especially when said person is a chronic depressive with no health insurance, who's only therapuetic activity is blogging...

I hate my life immensely

You know those times in your life where everything just fucking sucks and you with you wouldn't have to wake up and deal with all the stupid fucking stressful shit? I am having one of those months. My ex relapsed, lost his job...I called "alex" who will no longer talk to me as a result, and my disability case is totally fucked. I recently discovered they don't even have one 20th of my documentation...no wonder I got rejected. (I hope my lawyer is good at his job)...

Anyway, I am alone and broke and haven't' had sex in over a month. I am very type A...perhaps i will have a heart attack and get lucky. (no worries people, I'm not suicidal...just extremely annoyed/pissed off and slightly depressed and feeling hopeless). I have no desire to be in a relationship ever again. I cannot deal with feeling so fucked over.

I'm Really Fucking Depressed...

I feel rather helpless right now. My boyfriend says he will be out by next week, but part of me is scared for him to go. I am across the country from "home" and I don't know a lot of people here. I feel alone a lot. I am not employed. My dad is paying my bills. I feel pathetic. I can't get a job because I am not qualified to do anything other than work in retail. I would get fired anyway. And if I even attempted to get another job I definitely won't win my disability case. Everything is fucked!

When I look at my boyfriend (ex boyfriend), I feel sad. I still love him, but there will always be the "next relapse" the "next job loss" the next "threat" or some sort. He terrifies me psychologically, but not physically. It's wierd-- he's always threatening to "sue me" if I throw him out, call the cops if I yell at him-- that kind of thing.

I hate my life right now. I really need to see a counselor of something, but I have no health insurance and i can't afford to see a counselor because i have no income. I think that's why i like blogging. It's my form of therapy.

Here's What's Going On Part 2...

OK, so my boyfriend is sober for NOW...Not that this reasures me...I know there is always a "next time"

I feel stuck...I have no money and no career prospects. He helps pays the bills. He doesn't have a lot, but it makes up for what I cannota do. I am becoming one of those woman I hate. I don't want to be with someone because he helps pay the bills. Our lives are depressing beyond belief.

I can't exactly go out a get a part time, or full time job for a couple of reasons...
1) I will get fired anyway-- my concentration is for shit, and I dont' interact well with other...I have a paranoid version of social anxiety...
2) I have a pending disability case...I was denied twice (even though I used to be on it oddly enough) adn now I had to hire a laywer to help me...now if I even try to work, I am fucked...but I'd get fired anyway cause I suck so I'm fucked anyway...

and to top it off "Alex" is now ignoring me, because he most likely does not want to deal with all this drama...I called him for a ride on the night my asshole boyfriend relapsed...he didn't give me one, told me to call the cops, said he would call me in the morning...adn then did not...He's been ignoring me for a week and a half...

ASSHOLE!!!!! (then why do i miss him)?

Here's What's Going On...

So my boyfriend (soon to be ex boyfriend), was fired from yet another job. He then proceeded to go on a 5 day drinking binge and did not help me pay any of the bills this month. (So my checking account has mostly been depleted)...

He wound up in the ER on Thanksgiving, and they locked him up in some hospital (a state hostpital)? until Monday. I don't even know exactly where they are keeping him because I won't answer his phone calls. I talked to him once and said I don't want to talk to him. He called me like crazy on Friday and part of yesterday, but now he finally stopped calling. (Good)...

I don't know what will happen when he gets out. I think he is out of money, but maybe he has a little of his last paycheck left to buy more booze. Or maybe he'll start pawning my shit again like he used to do (my DVD's)-- asshole...

I am doing all this blogging on his computer, so when we break up I might not be able to blog for awhile, unless I find another computer to use. I am supossedly getting the internet turned off on Tuesday...I am waveringn on this issue, but I know I should...

My Boyfriend and I are breaking up.

For real this time. He got fired, drunk, started pushing me around. And I called the cops. They didn't ticket him or take him away as there was no physical evidence, but I had to get away. So I stayed in a hotel.

I cancelled the cable and internet-- it goes out on the second of December. This is his computer. I don't know if I will be able to get another one or not. So I don't know when I will be able to pick up this blog again.

Maybe It's all Ok...

Really! :) It hit me all of a sudden. Maybe it's because I am no longer a kid, or "young adult"...I am an adult now...in terms of age, who I am, my needs, my wants, my interests....I am basically at that point where I know who I am.

Maybe it's OK if I'm not beautiful, I don't have the mega career...Maybe it's OK that I'm just me...(please bear in mind this may be the wine talking, but really, I am a poor, broke ass artist)...Now that I "look" a little older (ya know, some wrinkles and gray hair)..it's actually kind of freeing in a way)...

The only thing I have to go on is ability, talent...and luck?...pity if I'm lucky?...After feeling rather romantically rejected as of late I had this sudden burst of freedom. It was really rather interesting...for lack of a better adjective...Maybe all there is left is me :) Maybe "me" is Ok for once...:)?

General State of Panic..

So my Dad had a health scare. Apparently he thought he might have cancer, and was under this impression for like a month and a half.

Luckily after 12 biopsies the doctors concluded he did not have prostate cancer. He did have 2 that were "abnormal" though-- not cancerous, but growths or something?...Prostate cancer runs in my Dad's family big time, so he has to go in every 6 months to get it checked out...Oddly enough, his PSA levels were rising because of this stupid fucking hormone gel one of his doctors put him on.

I swear sometimes doctors do more harm than good...He's of that mindset though, that doctors are gods or something...Here's another pill for that! Naw, you don't need to make any lifestyle changes! Just take more pills, that will make you get sick in other ways!...

Sorry, I'll get off my soap box now...I've just seen doctors really fuck people up, and I don't want my Dad getting fucked up by these doctors...(can you tell I've had some negative experience with medical professionals :)...Anyway, I know doctors help a lot of the time, but I just wish they weren't so quick to try things that could make you worse, instead of advocating certain lifestyle changes...

I'm glad he is OK. I was freaking out for a day after I heard the good news...Of course I was thinking about when it "becomes cancer" instead of that he's OK. I'm such a pessimist.

The Men I Have Known...

I have this idea...

It will most likely never come to fruition..., mainly becuase I cannot spell that word, or appopriately define it...

I want to write a story. Mainly because I don't know what else to do. I want to write about my life. About how I would have liked for it to have turned out. Even if it could never have turned out like that.

There are so many lovely people I could have known better. So many people I would have loved to enrich. If only if I did not have all my own shit to deal with. I want an omage. I want a happy ending. I want this to be in honor of all the lovely people I have known in my life, who have given me brief moments of happiness. I owe these people a great deal....

I don't know if I can do this. I am thinking about it though. Maybe it will be easier if I continue to be anonymous. I could illustrate it, but I don't want to give myself away. I am a nobody, but there might be a few who recognise me.

Here is a song to demonstrate:


PS: I'm not butt ugly...I'm rather average ;) ...

Little to No Motivation...

I'm having trouble making myself do anything today (or this week )..other than writing this post of course.

I am specifically referring to my artwork. I just don't have the zest for it I did in my younger years. I think it was because back then I was doing it for theraputic purposes, and I also had specific assignments I needed to get done by a certain day. Now that I am actually trying to sell my art, it seems to be clouding what I am doing. Like I am "watering it down", so to speak. Making it slightly less bizarre, in hopes of being more main stream. And obviously that's not working...Sales are down, and I am not particularly interested in what I am doing a lot of the time. Perhaps it's because I'm a depressive...

I know...wah, wah,wah.... :)

So I don't know if there is really a point to this post other than to say I have some serious fucking artist's block. I wish I had a list of some of my cool old assignments from college, to spark my interest...I guess I will have to try and remember what some of them were...

I'm a Horrible Jealous Person...

I admit it. I am very jealous of many people. Especially people in happy relationships with good sex lives. I'm particularly jealous of people who have been married forever and can't imagine being with anyone else. I want that life...

I have never met the right person at the right time. I have however, maybe met the right person/s at the wrong time?...Take "Jeremy," the guy from college. I was too young and stupid to realize what a sweetheart he was. He liked me just how I was-- that's not easy to find, especially at age 19!...Then there is "Alex"-- our sexual chemistry is wonderful, and we have great conversation, but he is in a long term relationship that I doubt he will leave. He likes stability, and his girlfriend is stable...I'm just an unemployed, oversexed wierdo....

I would love to have that amazing relationship that combines great sex with great friendship and companionship....Sometimes I wonder if it will ever happen. I always fall for men I can't have...or men I can have, but then when I do want them...I can't have them....GGRR...

I love the idea of growing old with somebody. I hope this happens.

So My Boyfriend was Drinking Mouthwash Tonight...

Yeah, that's never a good sign...He had a small relapse 2 days ago, and now he was drinking mouth wash. It got him visibly drunk, and then he puked.

This is quite the life I have made for myself. Why was I not drown at birth or something?...Seriously though. I have known for a LONG time it wouldn't work, but I feel almost reponsible for him in a way. I worry he will die or something if I leave. And I do care about him, he's a sweetie. But he's also a drunk with no libido.

I find myself looking at couples who have been together for YEARS and I feel so jealous. I wish I could have that. I'm not really the type to date around a lot. I love the idea of being with someone forever, I just don't know if it's possible. For me anyway-- I would drive any man nuts with all my anxiety problems....and I have, the few boyfriends I have had.

Supposedly he is going to AA tomorrow with his boss of all people. Turns out he is a recovering alcholic too. Should be interesting.

Leaving Home...(for the first time)

For some reason this popped into my head tonight....I think it's becauase I was watching a movie that happend to feature college age people...

I will never forget the afternoon I left home for college. I was in the downstairs of our split level home, and looking out the back window. I was trying not to cry hysterically. I was scared shitless. I am an introvert. I don't make friends easily. I don't like new things. I am a chicken shit. Anyway I was teary eyed and all. I did cry...but I tried to keep it "quiet."...And then I heard my Dad at the top of the stairs say it was time to go....

I don't know if he knew I was crying. He probably did. Parents know those things i think. He dropped me at my dorm or something (I dont' recall the details about that part)...and before we got there he bought me a sandwich from a gas station, which I later at for dinner. Also, I went to the student union that afternoon, meeting no one of course...but I do recall calling my Dad from the union, that first night from home.

This post isn't particularly relevant to anything in my life currently, other than the fact that I am currently very far from home. (I moved across the country awhile back and it's just kinda strange- both good and bad)...

It was so traumatic for me to go to college as an undergrad, yet college was only like 30 minutes from home! :O...funny...

Shit Hits the Fan...

Did I mention my boyfriend of almost 4 years is a recovering alcholic? yeah...and I mean a bad one-- think rehab 5 times and multiple suicde attempts.

Well, I went to bed abnormally early last night, and woke up around 1:30 AM, only to find him drinking whiskey. Shit! (He's currently still in bed, most likely with a hangover)...

One of two things can happend now:

1) he sobers up, and goes back to work on Thursday (he has a couple of days off)..

2) he goes on a drinking binge, most likely followed by a suicide attempt...

I really hope #1 is the path he follows. I am so sick of dealing with this shit. I used to be sweet and nurturing about all this, but I jsut can't take it anymore. My caregiving skills are wearing out, I have so many of my own problems...

I'll keep you updated...

Big Huge Nasty Fight With the Boyfriend...

We almost broke up tonight. Our entire relationship of almost 4 years has been a series of mini breakups, and almost breakups. I thought tonight would be "for real" though...

So he's stressy and cranky all day-- which of course stresses me out. And then he tells me he hates his job and wants to quit-- after I'm already stressed out. Then I told him fine, quit, but you better have your parents help you or have something lined up, because I have no fucking money. (I am unemployed because of all my fucking mental health "issues")...My dad helps me, but that's not enought to support him too...Anyway

I told him neither of us can handle stress, neither of us seem to be able to handle long term employment...and when you put two "nuts" together, you get nothing but "nutty."...I also yelled at him for never having sex with me.

My boyfriend and I have not had sex in a fucking month. And we are in our 30's...he has no libido whatsoever....or at least not towards me...

We ended up chilling out, but I am still left wondering what will happen in the long run. I love him, but it's like living with my brother or something...I need a normal sex life...It has become apparent that my boyfriend has no interest in sex with me, and "Alex" has most likely lost interest in me...

Facebook Tortures me...

yeah, it's so nice to see how far everyone has come, and all the grand things people are doing...

and for the record, I am in introvert and generally against such sights. I just joined because my boyfriend made me... :0

Anyway...I looked up "Jeremy" on facebook...if you recall...he was the one who "got away" back in college, is now married to a sucessful, intelligent woman, who somewhat resembles me physically...

And they have a beautiful daugher. I don't have access to all their info, but the wife used the daughter as an avatar. She is so lovely. I am happy for him. He deserves that...I know also, I could never have given him that stability or happiness, as i have so many fucking problems....I can't help be a little sad though...a little envious...for that "normal" life I most likely will never have...

Am I Fat?

I think this is a topic many people struggle with...for those of us with eating disorders it's a very fucked up issue...

I have been bulimic for roughly 12 years now...so I don't even know what "normal" is...All I know is what feels "comfortable."....When I get over 120 I do not feel "comfortable,"...I feel fucking fat...I felt my best at 110, but as I've gotten older I find it difficult to keep my wieght down. When I was younger, I was not comfortable over 113...but I'm not 20 anymore...

Here are some more reasons I find it hard to keep my weight down:
1) I'm older and not as obsessed with excercise
2) I like high calorie alcholic beverages (a new thing in the last couple of years)
3) Now that I'm getting older and have some lines and a few grays it's a losing
battle anyway...I'm pretty much fucked no matter what I do....
4) perhaps my metabolism is slowing down some...

So on a related note, I weighed myself today for the first time in a few weeks...I don't have a scale at home, and only wieght myself at one of the local grocery stores...Yes, odd as it may seem, one of the local grocery stores has a scale-- maybe they think it will help sell diet food???? I weighed in at 117 1/2...So I only gained 1 1/2 pounds since last time...I still hate being this large. I want to be 110...It's just such a nice number...I don't know if I can pull it off though, with the odds stacked against me...

The fact that I am so fucking depressed today might help though...

Well I Was Losing Weight, But Now I am Getting Fat again...

So I was doing OK on my diet for a while. I gained 7 pounds in the last year, and over the course of the last 3 months, managed to lose 5 or 6 of those pounds...I have not weighed myself in a couple of weeks, but I know I have gained some of it back because my stomach looks fatter and I feel bloated...

Whenever my family is in town, like they were last weekend (well one family member anyway), I always end up boozing for like 4 days in a row on high calorie alcholic beverages...and now I've gained a few...DAMN IT!!!!!!

I hate getting older and getting fatter. I technically still have an eating disorder (bulimia), but the alcohol and lack of excercise is not helping me maintain my weight...I do excercise, just not as much. And I do like "cocktail hour"-- it helps sooth my nerves...it's making me fucking fat though, so maybe I should just have margaritas on the weekend of something...CRAP!!!

I'm Getting Up at the Crack of Dawn Tomorrow to Vote...

And naturally I am having another night of insomnia and can't fall asleep...

I really hope Obama wins :) He actually gives me hope, and gives a shit about all Americans-- including those of us who are suffering...I may actually have access to health care someday if he wins...I mean other than ER visits...

I'm one of those "fall between the cracks" people. I'm not screwed up enough to get disability (apparently, according to the government), but I am not healthy enough to work full time either...

Lets' just say I am prone to panic attacks at work, and have vomited at every job I have ever had...Not a good thing...Anyway, I have applied to various health insurance companies, but I keep getting rejected because of my history of depression, anxiety, bulimia, OCD...and whatever the hell else I have been diagnosed iwth over the years...

But maybe I can get health care someday! :) I would like that :) I would like to have my reproductive rights protected as well...Sorry Palin, I'm not carrying around a rapists baby!....I hope people don't have to go back to back ally abortions...

I am not a particularly religious person...but if there is a god...PLEASEEEEEE let Obama win.....

Round Two...

I am very excited by this prospect....(yeah-- sex)!

After a week or two of wondering what the hell was going on...I now know...(kind of)????

He asked me what I was doing this week. And of course I said "nothing", because I have no life... I have not had sex with my boyfriend in 3 weeks-- and belive me-- I have tried... :( ...Dude, this fucking sucks...I am a woman in her early 30's, in a long term relationship, with no sex life...

I can't recall what he said exactly, somthing like "do you want to run away together" this week?...(uh-- YEAH!!!!!!)...

I need something desperatlely...and he is a lovely man :) ...

He's Still Ignoring Me, But on a Side Note...

A threesome?.....

I don't think I could go there. The idea is fascinating, but I am way too much of an introvert for such activities myself...At least I think I am????....

And yes, like the title suggests, "Alex" is stil ignoring me. I thought I would bring up a conversation we had a week or so ago, as I have nothing better to say at the moment. At one point he asked me about my "fantasies"...and being the boring girl I am of course, I don't really have any...Except maybe lighting some candles and lots of kissing and so on and so forth...(foreplay is a good thing)...anyway...

He asked me if I ever thought about being with "other women" or multiple people. I honestly answered, "not really"...unless it was me, him...and someone like Johhny Depp or something...(not that there is anything wrong with that other stuff-- to each his own, I'm just really boring and prefer penises to vaginas).....

This made me wonder-- is this further proof he is a "player"?...does he want me to be involved with himself and his "other" other woman-- if there are "other" women?...or me and his "real" woman?...I have no idea what this converations was about really. Interesting conversation though. The only thing I could gather from this entire interaction was that he might be interested in me wearing a little white t-shirt and nothing else....but then again he hasn't been talking to me much, so this could all mean absolutely nothing...

I'll keep ya posted...

Is He Fucking With My Head, or Does He Not Know What He Wants?

Men confuse the fuck out of me. Don't get me wrong though, I enjoy them nonetheless...

So "Alex" has now been talking to me less, and perhaps avoiding/and/or igoring me. And this all started after we uh...did stuff....

I wonder if he:

A) is dissatisfied with what I ...uh..do...
B) feels guilty because he is in a long term relationship
c) he is no longer attracted to me, becuase he always thought I was so sweet and innocent...(not anymore)!-- I guess I blew that one out of the water :)-- no pun intended :).... :O ... :)
D) doesn't know what the heck he wants
E) is worried I will ask him to leave his woman
F) something other than what I have mentioned

This is very confusing. And he does chat with other woman-- are there more than me? Does he want me to be jealous? I have no clue. This is all very exciting and wierd. Though I'd rather just cut the drama and mess around, but he seems to have lost interest...I hope I'm not a bad kisser...I will keep you updated in this strange dilemma

I think maybe he just likes the thrill of the chase?....

Oh yes...In honor of this romantic angst and confusion, I bring to you this song by Natalie Merchant. I love this song...It gets to the point...



I absolutely love it when this song is in about 2 minutes-- so if you are an impatient type, fast forward the song to about 2 minutes :)

Maybe He is a Player????

I have been wondering this for some time now. I have seen him get into "animated" discussions with other females...Now, I know this doesn't ALWAYS mean something, but I realize often it does...ie: he frequently (or used to anyways), get into animated, enjoyable conversations with me...

So lets just say, for the sake of argument, that there was some kind of...er...messing around of some sort....and then lets say right after that happened said person starts spending less time with you...

What does it mean when he talks to you a little, but not as much as before? Is this a guys way of being polite? And what does it mean if there is a small amount of flirthing but not nearly as much as before? Is this a power trip thing-- like hard to get? Or is this the nice way of letting someone down?...

Then there is the "other other woman" factor. Maybe there are multiple other woman in his life or something. This is really fucking with my head. I guess I shouldn't be surprised. For instance, tonight he was chatting with this other chic for at least a half an hour...maybe longer...then I overheard her say something about emailing him. I asked another friend what he was up to, and the other frined said, "oh, he's just being flirtatious"--ie: admitting that they dude was in fact being flirtatious...that made me feel so much better really...My life is so fucked right now. I am quite confused....

OK, Ignore the Last Post...

Knowing my luck, and my shyness, it probably won't happen. I can always fantasize though, right?...

I didn't see him at all yesterday (and I thought I would run into him)...and today I just saw him briefly...Previously he said he wouldn't change his mind (ie: wants mind blowing sex)...Then today he said he keeps going back and forth...

The reason being (according to him anyway), is that he is worried about me...Not in an "oh my god she is insane way", but because apparently I seem innocent, sweet, and vulnerable. He claims he doesn't want to hurt me. Shit!!! I come off as innocent and sweet?!?!...Well, maybe in person I do...if they only knew :O .....

We'll see what happens...or doesn't happen...I think one of us will wuss out, no matter how bad we want something to happen...

I Should Just Fuck Him and Get it Over with....

Yeah...I need to do that..

Unfortunately I am a sex deprived chicken shit...Let's just say there has been kissing, there has been...uh...other stuff...but not "the deed"...I don't care if you think I am a whore. I am in my 30's, unmarried, and still in single digits in terms of sexual partners.

I need to talk about this. I hope no right wing,easily offended Christians are reading this. If you are-- turn back now or you will be offended :)...

I plan on having some mind blowing sex, and soon...I need some, I deserve some...this fellow...what should I call him?...I'll call him Alex....he is going to be quite good I would assume :)...He kissed me neck and it gave me tingles...He kissed my stomach and I almost puked...(in a good way of course)....

I'm in trouble :)

I'm Destined to Be Alone...(Part 1)..

Belive me, I'm sure there will be more posts on this issue...

So today I went on a little road trip with my boyfriend. We spent most of the day arguing with each other about a bunch of stupid shit, which I suppose could be referred to as "quarreling/quabbling"...(how spell)?....

And then we argued about our lack of sex life...blah, blah blah...It is bizarre to me to be the "female" in this relationship, but feel like "the male"-- you know? Isn't is USUALLY the guy who wants it more? I feel so fucking stuck. I feel so fucking deprived...I don't like this situation. And he wont' even talk about it...I've tried, but he is not interested in talking...I need to be doing something different. We are both with each other, I suspect, for security reasons--which feels really shitty....It's a long story and it's complicated. (and no, I have not slept with someone else, tempting as it may be...very tempting)....

Yup, destined to be alone...freaky old cat lady...(if I can ever afford an apartment where I can have cats)...

Dwelling on the Past..(again...Big Surprise)...

Yeah...here I go again...

I don't know what brought in on exactly...Maybe it has been the recent "stuff" about the other guy...or maybe it was the tequila I was drinking tonight...

But to make a long story short-- I found myself on You Tube...AGAIN...listening to nostaligic music from my college years...Perhaps it was because I was more innocent then...more pure...less...corrupt?....

I keep thinking to those times when I was cute and sweet and unadulterated...Not that life was perfect then, becausee it wasn't-- belive me...I was HIGHLY eating disordered...Nonetheless, I was young, thin, athletic, artistic, and had hope...Now I'm getting older, I've lost my creative edge, I have chronic tendonitis, and I feel less desirable....Not to mention I am often in a shitty mood...

I know it is not a good idea to find one's self worth through others. I am a logical, albeit, emotional person. I don't know what to do with all these feelings really, except perhaps create more art from it. Most of my art is a creation of my pain. (I obviously don't show it here for anonymity reasons, but you catch my drift)...

Anyway, I apologize if I am rambling, I am half drunk...I enjoy writing in this blog on my "drunk" nights :)...Here is a video representing the college years. It fucks with my head in certain ways..(eating disordered and all-- although, I dont' look it these days-- I have no will power to be "skinny"...I look more thin/average now)...But this song was in when I was in college. I listened to it a lot right after I parted ways with Jeremy and what's his face....It makes me feel sad somehow...

Trying to Behave Myself...

*sigh*...major attraction...MAJOR...

It's both frustrating and extremely interesting to be attracted to someone who is completely unavailable....(but, uh..is in certain ways :)....

I know I can have him if I want him, but not sure if I should go there...there could be many repurcusions...(sorry if I spelled that wrong)....

I don't know what to do about my current boyfriend/situation...It is very complicated. I do care about him, and he cares about me-- but it's more of a "friendship" kind of caring...we help stabalize each other in ways. It's very complicated....I just just don't think I can go for the next 20-30 years without a sex life... If I was 80 I wouldn't mind...but I think I have at least 20-30 good years of potential sex life ahead of me...(maybe)...

And no, dont' worry folks, I'm not about to jump into anyting quickly...I'm very cautious, and very careful...and also very paranoid...yet very horny...it's an odd combination really...Men confuse the FUCK out of me... :)

I am Attracted to Someone Other Than my Boyfriend...

...oh shit...

And no...in case you are wondering, I have not acted on this yet...(did I just say YET)?...oh god...NO...I have not slept with someone else...(I have dirty thoughts though :O ....(and what's better...or worse?...is that this guy is apparently into me too)...

I belive part of the reason my mind wanders is my boyfriends lack of libido...He has absolutely no interest in sex. He has had no interest in sex since the beginning of our relationship, almost 4 years ago. At first I wondered if he was gay, then I wondered if it was me...then I came to the conclusion that perhaps he was just asexual...He never checks ANYONE out and is never in the mood...it is very bizzare...

So where does this leave me? I really have no idea. I am in a long term relationship, as is this fellow I have dirty thoughts about...

I would like to think I am not a loose woman (and I'm not)...I actually lost my virginity at an age much later than most of my peers)...so why do I feel guilty, for just THOUGHTS?...

I guess it's because I know they could become reality. This fellow and I have acknowleged attraction to one another. We talk with a flirtatious banter, and there have been "words exchanged"...There is just something about him. When he looks at me, it's almost erotic...it's like he's looking at me naked or something... When he talks to me, he actually takes an interest in me...he wants to know about me...it's not all about him. (I've found this somewhat rare with men-- it's very attractive though, when they want to know about you :)...

And he is just gorgeous...not traditionally gorgeous per say...but definitely gorgeous...and the way he looks at me like I am naked...Oh shit..I could be in for some trouble...or in the very least, some mental torture... :( ... :) ...

I Hate Main Stream Cutsie Shite...

And I do mean shite...

Perhaps I am a bit jaded...perhaps I am getting a bit older...but at least one thing does not change...Cute prevails!!!! FUCK CUTE!!!!!...

My entire life I have had to deal with beautiful cute people who always come out on top...and it they weren't, per say..."cute"....they were at least "main stream"...and could therefore be successful..

I am at that angry bitter point in my life where I am too old to be cute, too strange to be main stream, to anxiety riddent to go further with my education to attempt to rise above....I am jsut bitter and angry....and too pissed off to do anything but complain..but that is why I created this blog-- so if you want to say anything nasty, FUCK YOU-- I will delete your comment. I write this secret blog for thereaputic purposes...

I have come to the conclusion I can probably never be successful in any venture I head into...I should just get it over with and do really wierd art and not sell any of it...why not?...FUCK YOU fucking cute people.....

Why Do I Want What I Can't Have?...Part 2...

Sorry part 2 has taken a while...I've been feeling shitty depressed lately and have little to no motivation...(and yes, my boyfriend and my Dad are still paying the bills)...I'm a winner! :D ...anyway...

I still find myself wanting "Jeremy" the sweet guy from college, who kind of liked me, but I pushed him away...to any new readers...I pushed him away because he was kind of socially awkward, like myself in a way...which at a young age naturally freaked me out...now I regret ever pushing him away...he saw the good in me what I though I was shit...gee, I guess some things never change..

To make matters worse, and to make my regrets worse, I recently discovered (via internet naturally) that he and his wife are basically "soul mates."...FUCK!!!!

I discovered this because I like to google him sometimes, because I'm all nostalgic like that, and I have no life. I found a blog, by someone in his "circle", so to speak, and in this blog it talked about how he and his wife have this cute baby...blah blah blah...(PUT THE FUCKING KNIFE IN MY HEART RIGHT NOW)...and how they make each other whole or some crap like that...which unfortunatley is most likey true and it really pisses me off that I was too young and stupid to appreciate him when I had him. He was always so kind to me, never lost pacience with me, so on and so forth...I really enjoyed his sense of humor as well. A dry and intelligent sense of humor...He did an amazing Christopher Walken impression as well..

Well, he apparently is with his soul mate now, who looks like me, but is aging better, and they have a baby...FUCK!!!!!

Ok, I need to go and drink more now...

Why do I Want What I can't Have?... (Part 1)...

I have a feeling this will be a series... :O...

Tonight I stumbled upon an avatar out there on the internet (somewhere I often am)...and the dude looked just like "Mike"...I don't know how many regular readers I have here...but "Mike" was the guy I was obsessed with in college who totally toyed with my emotions...(not to be confused with "Jeremy", the total sweetheart-- the one who got away, who now has a kid)....

Mike was a very confident individual. I would say only average in terms of physical atrractiveness, but he totally led me on...Or it least, to a 19 year old, it felt that way. He taught me seductively how to tango, he let me draw him naked, I slept overnight at his house...yet he talked about "other girls" and had no apparent romantic interest in me...I often felt I was there to boost his ego. Asshole!...Attractive asshole...

I believe in retrospect I may have been drawn to his confidence..or maybe just because he didn't want me...I feel like if I saw him toda though, I still might have feelings..grossly enough...just based on my reaction this look alike avatar! :O...

Why do I still kind of want this guy! AHH!!! %^$#!!#$$

Today I am frustrated...

Big surprise, right? :)

I'm not selling much of my artwork these days, in person, or on the internet...I don't know what to do really. I could blame the economy, but I won't. Reason being there are a number of other artist I know (in the real world) and also on the internet, who are doing all right in terms of sales...

I think I work in too many styles..I'm too ecclectic...to odd perhaps...I do some pretty stuff, maybe not enough?...I dont' want to sell out though. I dont't want to resort to that until I am on the verge of homelessness. My boyfriend just started a new job, so my unemployed ass is OK for now...(I would prefer to be contributing more though )....In my own non traditional manner...

I no longer have the will power to be skinny...

Maybe it's because I'm getting older...or maybe it's because I've given up hope...I don't know..the only thing I do know is my metabolism has slowed some in the last year or two...yeah, hitting 30 fucking sucks...

I should not go to that "certain guy's" facebook page-- Jeremy, I belive I am calling him...or his wife's page...I can't even get a close up but it is obvious she is TINY!!!!! This was obvisous the one time I met her like 10 years ago when I was on the verge of death and I was like 100 pounds...(by the way, I'm much heavier than that now)...from her pic she couldnt' be more than 110...she' pretty , smart, and married to the one that got away...oh FUcK!!!!!... she was even in the alumni magazine...someone kill me now...well, I have no health care, so there is hope I might get cancer and it will go undetected until I am a week from death...

FUCK!!!!!! :O .....

What Were You Doing on 9/11?

What was your experience? How were you feeling that day? What was going on wherever you were?...

Sept/ 11th 2001 was such a sad and horrible day...Fucked up and tragic in so many ways...I think about that day a lot, even when it's not around the anniversary...

On Sept. 11th 2001, I was in my last semester of college. I was living with a boyfriend at the time, who listened to a radio every morning. I got up and started listening with him after the first plane had hit the North (?) tower...I listened to the little handheld radio until the building fell...for some reason I was too awestuck/terrified to even think about turning on the TV...(my boyfriend was kind of a hippy and didn't like TV's anyway though)....

shortly thereafter he and I walked down to campus. I happened to go to college in a town that is a state capitol. I recall the capitol being completely barricaded off by those stripey white and orange wooden baracades...cop cars were all around the capitol. No one could get in if they tried I think...when we got down to the main area of campus there were these huge speakers up...people were sitting and listening to the speakers...

I later ended up at the student Union (a couple of hours later)...I was in horrible pain. I was in "the" car accident a few weeks earlier...(the one that totally fucked me up and I still have problems as a result)...I had to call my Dad to come and pick me up...at the Union there were 3 big TV's, and student were glued to them...

I actually ended up in the ER later that night...I was in horrible pain, and my arms were shaking...I was fine, but in pain. No where near as bad of pain as those poor people in New York though...

I could get into more detail abut my day back then, but it really is insignificant in comparison to what those poor people went through...that was just such a screwed up time overall, for most people I know...and people I don't know...

What was your experience of that Day?

Sarah Palin Scares the Crap Out of Me...

Note to reader....if you are a right wing conservative you may want to leave this post right now because it might offend you.... :O

Wow....not even for the CHOICE of abortion if you are raped or the victim of incest?....that' is SCARY!!!!!.... (in my opinion)...

Here's the thing (again, in my opinon)...if you don't want an abortion....that's fine...you don't want your 17 year old kid to have that option...(FINE...that's your/her personal choice)...I don't want your beliefs thrust on me though...Having someone like this get into office (potentially) scared the living hell out of me-- for myself, and all woman....

If I ever was raped, or had a child that was raped, or the victim of incest...I would want them to have the option...(so much for separation of church and state).....it does seem to be about religion these days....

How did I get so Old????

It seems like just yesterday I was 10 years old. Now I'm in my early 30's and have wrinkles...How the hell did that happen?

I've had the fine lines for a few years now, but this past year they've become more pronounced. I don't have the energy I used to either. My metabolism is slowing down, and I can't loose the last 3 pounds. Yes, I am fat, old, and wrinkly....

I don't care if other people have these characteristics-- I just don't want them. I suppose there's nothing I can do about the wrinkles, short of botox and plastic surgery. I don't want a frozen forehead though...not a good look in my opinion...

I guess a big part of the issue is I don't feel my life truly resembles that of an "adult." I don't have gainful employment, health care, a marriage, or a house...

I'm going to be a weird old cat lady...except I'll have dogs. I will dress them in cute clothiing and give them odd names, like Electronic Fizzlepie...or maybe Amsterdam "the snake" Roberts...

So I Really Wish I Could Go Back to School Again...

I know I can't handle the stress though. Most grad schools for fine art require you to go full time, and this is not something I can do. I know this because I tried, and it didn't work. I only lasted a few days....(It also wasn't that great of a school though, so maybe that had something to do with it). Even as an undergrad I had to go part time though, because of my inability to handle stress...

There is a part of me that won't feel complete unless I get an MFA. As stupid and impractacle as that may sound, it's just something I really, really WANT...I've been out of the loop for so long now it would be hard to get into a good school. (Even if I could handle the stress)...The school I actually got into, when I tried, was my last choice.

It hit me again yesterday, the wanting to be in school. I was on a walk, and I looked up and saw this old red, brick building. It looked like the some of the buildings from my undergrad university, and there was a slight breeze. The physical sensation of it all gave me this deja vu thing for fall semester of my freshman year of college. That whole scene-- the building, the breeze, some 18 year old looking kid tossing a football, reminded me of that time. (and by the way jocks annoy me so that wasn't particularly related to the nostalgia-- just a side note)...

Anway, I hope I can handle school again someday...maybe...hopefully...I almost feel like I'm too old now! :O ...

Another Fabulous Round of Insomnia...

Can you sense my sarcasm?...

I have been up since 6 AM. I have no reason to be up this early...it is now 9:30 AM. I was lying in bed and feeling shitty about my general life situation, and just couldn't fall back asleep. So I got up, ate a carton of strawberry pop tarts, puked, and surfed the net. Why? Because I have no life, and have been rather depressed for the last week.

Why depressed?...I've been this way since I was about 14. It runs in the family. But also, there are those special enviromental factors psychologists love to talk about! :) Let's just say I was picked on a lot in adolescence, and somehow never got over it. Yes, it was a long time ago, but my brain never appropriately adapted or something. Little things get to me, and I have trouble getting over the little things. I obsess, I dwell...and when I do these things I get depressed As a result I have a serious lack of motivation and difficulty staying focused on the task at hand.

I've been thinking a lot about "Jeremy" lately. I've been thinking about his perfect life, with his pefect wife, and their perfect baby. I can't help but notice his perfect wife, (who somewhat resembles me), is prettier, potentially skinnier, looks a lot younger than her age, and is most certainly smarter. (You know, the type with a very important job at a young age). I wish I could have that life. As it stands, I will most likely die at a young age, single, because I am a depressive and have no health insurance. I hope I don't get cancer.

Let's Talk About the Time I Had a Blood Transfusion and almost Died! :)

Yippie! :).... Can you sense my joy?.. and by the way, I apologize for my crankiness in my last post...I was feeling a bit... uh...."emotional"....

Anyway, when I was 21 years old I had to have a blood transfusion, as the result of my eating disorder. (Yeah, this is back when I actually had health insurance)....I was pretty athletic back then, I was a runner. I was suddenly feeling tired, my legs were "giving out on me"...I remember going on a run, and almost collapsing. I had to sit down for a moment because my legs gave out. (and before this, when I was healthier, I would run like 5 miles a day). When I walked up the stairs at college, I would bend over and gasp for breath after 6 flights of stairs. (again, a girl who used to run 30 minutes to an hour a day-- a few flights of stairs should be nothing....)....

I told my therapist about how my legs felt so tired, and how I would pant at the top of the stairs. She was immediately concerned. (She actually used to be a nurse, before pursing a PhD in therapy). She called someone she knew at a local hospital, and I had an appointment shortly thereafter. Diagnosis-- SEVERE anemia. My hemoglobin was 4 point something...It's supposed to be a MINIMUM of 12....(these are red blood cells that help carry oxygen to your muscles or something)...

Because of the apparent severity of my anemia, I had to have a blood transfusion. According to my Dad, I was about a month away from death. He said this is what the doctor told him. I have no idea if this is true, or if he just said this to scare me. I felt very "wrong" though, I will say that. I felt so weak.

Was there something going on in the cosmos? Just a day or two later the "Columbine" shootings took place. I remember being at home, "recovering" from my transfusion, when the Columbine massacre took place. (Which was both fucked up, and yet sickly fascinating)... .The world is so fucked....

The aftermath of my blood transfusion was scary. I suddenly had 2 extra bags of blood in me-- which is a lot of extra liquid. I could feel my heartbeat in my ears...I had too much liquid, which I guess I had to pee out or something...I couldn't lie down. I had to be propped up in bed with a few pillows because of the physical pain and pressure of having all this extra liquid in me. ... After the blood transfusion I was up to a hemoglobin (or is it hematocrit?) of 8...enough to take me out of the MEGA danger zone.... after this I had to take iron supplements for some time to get it back up to 12.

So I dodged that bullet. I can't run anymore-- because 2 or 3 years later I went semi insane and destroyed my knees-- long story... but I'm still here. My legs have recently been feeling mildly weak. I am concerned I may be mildly anemic, but have no way of knowing, because I have no health care, nor can I get it because of my medical history. I started taking iron supplements again. I hope I'm not on the fucking verge of death....

Reason 5,349 I Do Not Spend Time With My Siblings

My sister "Kris" is completely condescending...and no, that's not her real name.....

It really bothers my father that my siblings and I are not close. Oh well. It's hard to be close to someone who talks to you and treats you like you're 5, when in actuality, you are MUCH older. It's also hard to be close to people who are "professionals," and look down on you because you are not. To my siblings, a big FUCK YOU...(Sorry, hope that doesnt' offend you cyber space people, but you should see the way these people have comunicated wiht my in the last 10 years ). I'm not saying I'm right, and they are wrong, I'm just saying we are very different, and spending time with people who think you're a piece of shit is not a fun time.

So here's how it goes....I almost never speak to my siblings on the phone...so whenever I call my Dad, and a sibling happens to be visiting, he shoves them on the phone and makes me talk to them...yeah, fucking great...anyway, here's a synopsis of the last conversation I had with "Kris" a few days ago, as I called my Dad, and she happened to be visiting him, for like the 4th time this year...(they live across the county from each other)...

Oh yeah...backup info: I was paid a whopping $40 last fall to illustrate a book cover for this guy who was self publishing...It took like 20 hours...yeah, I made a lot of dough on that one...anyway, I digress...

So "Kris" says to me about the bookcover..."well that's great, you'll always have that. No one can take that away from you."....YEAH...that's actually what she said...and she said it in that voice like she's talking to a third grader...FUCK YOU!!!!...haven't I heard that fucking line in a movie or something?...anyway, I just said, "uh, thanks."...even though I wanted to tell her snooty ass to fuck off.

And this is just a minor incident..She once got pisses off at me because I was under severe stress (like on the verge of a nervous breakdown) and wanted to quit my job. And for the record, I had a little in savings and another part time job, so I wans't totally fucked or anything...she says "NO, you can't, because Dad will have to send you more money then."...I told her I wouldn't be asking for any more money. Anyway, all she gives a fuck about is her inheritance, screw my mental health. And we're not even a wealthy family-- middle class at best. Nice fucking priorities.

My Former Classmates are Doctors!...Lets Celebrate With Alcohol....

Yes, it is true...They are medical doctors, they are PhD doctors...and they are also lawyers...Me?....I am unemployed and just have a crappy bachelor's degree. Why? Because it was too difficult to pursue further schooling, with my issues of depression, anxiety, and bulimia...(I can't even hold a fucking full time job).

I thought I would celebrate being a loser by enjoying some fine liquer....I had determined 2 months ago my love affair with lady Amaretto must come to and end (as she was making me fat)--lots of calories in that shit...But anyway, I decided to splurge, and go for one more round. (For the record I've gained 7 pounds this year, which is quite noticable on a 5'4 frame)...I have lost 4 of those pounds though, in the last month)...I am slowly getting back to the lower end of average on the body mass index thingie...

By the way, this is another "facebook" post...I recently discovered (and not to my surprise) that a guy friend of mine from the dorms freshman year, is now a medical doctor...Let's call him Gacey the Clown....(he does have a disturbing giggle, and I am running out of aliases for people)...

This was a guy who was very into science, obviously intelligent and was also very into "himself"...you know what I mean?...turns out he still is...No, don't get me wrong, he is a nice guy. He just has a certain way of communicating with me, where it's almost condescending...

For example...one of his friends was one of the few guys to ever kind of "come on" to me in college...When I asked this Gacey the Clown about said friend, and mentioned jokingly that he was always coming on to me, (always talking about his "seed" and such) Gacey's response was "yeah whatever,"...and then he went on rambling about his residency some more...(he said "yeah whatever" in that YEAH right kind of way...

Lovely....Needless to say, I won't be searching for many other friends from my past on Facebook-- too deppresing. (For the record, I've only added like 3, and about 10 have added me-- why? I have no fucking idea-- these people never gave me the time of day back in highg school)...

I might have to delete my facebook account...I'm just so curious about everyone else though!...I'll keep ya posted...

When You Spend Your Life Pushing People Away...

You end up like me?...

Perhaps...I know I've spent much of my life doing so-- as far back as elementary school. I kid you not, I remember this....Goes back to "Brett"...who of course, is not really Brett..."Brett" is the kid from back in fourth grade. We were good friends. We "liked" each other...but I was too chicken to be his girlfriend...so I said "no" (via a friend)...one of the biggest regrets of my life of course...why?...I know I was only 10, but it set a precedent...I kept pushing people away, because it was safer for me to reject them, then for them to ultimately reject me. At least this is the conclusion I have come to. "Brett" is now married and has at least one kid (I saw it in the paper years ago)..I think he has multiple kids at this point. And the worst part is, he married a girl who was a total snot-- she threw gum in my hair once...(%%$#@!@!#$)!...why?... :( ...

Anyway, this has been the trend in my life. There was another boy after that, and then another boy-- but he turned out to be gay, so I guess it wouldnt' have worked anyway...then there was "Jeremy" who I have mentioned before. I have been doing better with that lately...I can't have him, it was A LONG time ago...I've also realized we wouldn't have been compatible. There was part of me that knew we just were not quite right-- you know what I mean?...when there are little quirks, idosyncrasities (how spell?)....that you keep obsessing over?...stupid as it may sound-- I know we were not compatible in certain ways. He was good looking in a way, but not my type physically. He was a lot taller than me-- like a foot taller! I know that may sound stupid...but there is something to be said about basic human attraction. I think it has something to do with reproductive biology or something...

What was my point...I don't recall exactly...but I have pushed a lot of boys/men away in my life. I think in retrospect it is because I fear abandonement. (my mom did die when I was a little kid and all)...I regret some of this pushing away. These boys (now men) were lovely people. They are now fathers (oddly enough all 3 of them-- the ones I regret pushing away)....an I am me. I am getting older now. Not old, but old enough where I am thinking about kids some...like it will be much harder to have them in 10 years!!! >O...It's not about kids though. It's about people I connected with, and threw it away, because I was insecure. And I miss them. I have regrets. The song here was popular was I was a junior in high school. I think it gets to the point about how I am feeling about this.

So I joined Facebook...What the Hell Was I Thinking?....

I feel like I just opened a whole new can of worms...

Normally I would not do something like this...Not that I feel there is anything wrong with websites such as Facebook or Myspace...it's just that I am quite guarded about myself with people I know--- especially people from my past. I really don't want all these people to know the extent to which my life sucks...

So how did this happen you may ask?...2 words-- my boyfriend. His brother is on Facebook, and wanted my boyfriend to join. (They're close-- it's very cute-- they talk constantly on the phone and make fun of each other)...So my boyfriend joined, then made me join. Well, OK...he didn't put a gun to my head or anything...but he requested I join so he could have more than one friend...So I joined...

And then something strange happened....4 people from my past popped up and marked me as a friend, or contact...I accetped naturally , as I am always curious what people are up to. 2 of these friend requests really caught me off guard-- people I've never spent time with really...I chatted with them a little in class way back when...and one of them was actually kinda snarky towards me....kind of shocking he added me really...

So the long and short of it...these people now know I'm a self employed artist. I don't know how I feel about this...they may think "hey cool"!...or they may thinking yeah, that means "unemployed"...both of which opinions being correct naturally :O....I just dont' know how I feel about this...two of the people have already googled me and found my art. It's kind of a compliment, but if I fall on my face, have no sales, or have some kinda melt down people may find out...This makes me nervous...

I was always that kid that got picked on, the kid who ate lunch alone...the kid who got good grades, but it didn't matter or get me anywhere because I could not function socially...For the last decade I managed to make myself anonymous to people from my younger years...now because of facebook they found me...I don't know how I feel about this. Perhaps I should delete my account...but then there is this sick fascination with finding people from my past I am curious about...well actually, I hope they find me-- as I am too chicken to approach them...

Let's Hear it for Unemployment!

Yeah baby!!! (Imagine that said like Austin Powers).... :)

The good news is, I am not destitute...(not yet anyway)...With the help of my boyfriend and my Dad I can now pursue my art full time. (at least for now, until I am totally broke). Money will be tight, but I find I am in a better mood already, now that I am officially unemployed :)...Let me rephrase-- I am now self employed :)....I just don't fit into the 9 to 5 world....I'm too scrappy...I have too many quirks...I'm overly sensitive, I hate dressing up..I'm just plain weird...I would like to think I'm weird in a good way though! :)

So it turns out, perhaps, my fears of being "fired" were unfounded...I am now under the impression I was, indeed, laid off....Here's one bit of evidence-- they asked me if I could fill in this weekend! :)...I think if someone fires you they don't want you to "fill in"...and also my boss seemed happy when I said I would be willing to fill in on occassion when they needed me too :)...there are other things that reassured me I was laid off too, as opposed to being fired...certain changes were maid with the company to save money...eliminating my job position was just one part of it...

Anyway, enough about that crap! :) ....Now I just have to decide which style of art I want to pursue..I work in so many different styles, that some of my work doesn't even look like it was completed by the same artist...I don't mind really, but I'm wondering if I need more of a focus to gain some sort of success with it...We'll see...I'll probably write more on this subject later, but for now I've gotta run! :)

Not Doing too good Tonight...

I'm thinking about too many things...the past, my family...people I know, and people I knew...I need to get rid of the nostalgic streak, but it haunts me...Not to be melodramatic, but it really does...I suppose it doesn't help that I've been listening to you tube videos all night...think Alanis Morissette, Willie Nelson, and Anne Murray...

Yes, I know, potentially self indulgent and pathetic, but in a strange way...it makes me feel better...the songs I listen to, I listen to for a specific reason...the remind me of a time in my life, a certain feeling...you know? There's something about music that does that. It transports me back in time-- Alanis Morissette to my late teen years and early 20's...Willie and Anne to my childhood years...when my mother was still here...I don't remember her well, but I know she loved me. I wish she was still here. I know she loved me. I don't know how, but I just know. And my Dad told me she kind of favored me...then she offed herself. Maybe that's why I'm so fucked up. I'm very introspective and I know how I feel. I usually know why I feel the way I feel. It doesn't change things though. It doesnt' make things better....Maybe I should paint about it. I just miss them.

PS: this is a sketch from long ago...I did this in Jeremy's dorm room...

I Just Lost My Job

Big Fucking Surprise.....

The good news, at least for my own piece of mind....is that my job was "elimintated" because of the economy......they weren't bringing in enough money, so they had to cut corners.... (for the record, I earn about $600 per month).....Perhaps they told me the truth, but I REALLY doubt it....

I never fit in there....The people that work there are "respectable" looking....I am a bit scruffy. I have "trichotillomania", which means I pull my hair out do to anxiety, and have some bald spots. I don't dress in stylish clothing....I have an eating disorder, and am uncomortable in form fitting clothing....to make matters worse, I am at the heaviest weight I've been at since high school...in the last year I've gained almost 10 pounds....

Ok, sorry, that's a side note, and I'm slightly intoxicated...not mega drunk, but a little....I thought I'd console myself and celebrate.....

Anyway, I feel a bit depressed, a bit happy, and a bit lost... I don't know what to do now...Luckily I have an amazingly supportive boyfriend, who seems to love me...why? I don't know, but I'm lucky and he does....I love him too...I admit, I'm often scared he will fuck me over...

Anyway....just why was my postition "eliminated"??? you ask?.... I guess I am still wondering...My job has been on shaky ground for a month or so...I had a phase where I made a bunch of stupid mistakes...but then I was fine...Now they are canning me....in a very "polite" way of course....I was let go in a way where it seemed as if they were really "eliminating" my job...I was told my 2 supervisors were taking over my duties...there are other things going on though, which make me suspuct others are taking over my job...

Maybe it doesn't matter. I didnt' like it there. I wasn't good at it. They knew it, and I knew it...It still hurt my fuckin feelings....I feel like the biggest fucking loser on the planet...If I didn't have my sweetie to help me, and my Dad...I would be homeless and dead...I hope things improve soon...

Tyring to Make Peace With "The One Who Got Away"

Ah yes, back to Jeremy. Days later I am still thinking about this, and still trying to figure out why it is bothering me so much. Here is the conclusion I have come to:

1) I want what I can't have (I have always been like this-- the grass is always greener...)
2) He is seriously, probably the nicest person I have met in my life. Seriously.
3) He is a "stable" type-- ya know (not likely to go on a drinking/drugging binge and lose his job)
4) He saw the best in me when no other guys did (the "diamond in the rough" comment)
5) He would be an excellent father (and I'm sure he is with his baby he now has)
6) I miss his friendship-- he was fun, kind, and enjoyable
7) The fact that he found another woman makes me feel rejected....(I know, I know...but it DOES)
8) He is one of the funniest people I have ever met
9) I want what I can't have....

I'm sure there are more reasons, but these are the first things that pop into my head. I wonder if he ever thinks of me. I think about people from my past all the time...then again I have no life...I still wonder though....I miss him :( I can't have him :(....I wish I would have appreciated him back when it would have made a difference....he's happy now though. I'm glad for that. Just knowing that a person like him exists, somewhere in the world, makes me happy.

I'm Getting a Beer Gut

I like alcohol. I won't lie about this. I actually didn't start drinking until I was in my mid 20's. Probably a good thing I guess ;)...Knowing myself, and my obsessivensess, and my tendencies..

Over the last year I have got a bit of a "beer gut"...actually more like a tequila and vodka gut..but you know what I'm talkin about right?.... :O ...

This, er...gut...is fucking with my head...I used to have a pretty fucked up eating disorder....I'm in a normal weight range for my height currently...but it is fucking with my head...I was "thin" until the last year...Perhaps it's because my metabolism is finally slowing...or maybe it's because alcohol has a lot of fucking calories....Honestly, I think that's what it is...

Let's just say I'm drinking enough to make me mellow some nights, and enough to make me fat. I don't like that I'm not as "taught" as I used to be. As much as I like boozing-- it does relax me and all-- I may have to cut back. I don't want to be a fucking heffer. It's funny...I don't mind if others are over weight...but I just dont' want to be myself..you know?..I feel like a horrible person. Why should I care if I get fat?

Why does there have to be so many damn calories in booze? :(

I Don't Deserve to Have a Boyfriend

My last post should be evidence of that. Here I am in a "relationship," which I've had for a couple years, and I'm still thinking about the "one who got away."....I would like to say though, given that I haven't seen "Jeremy" in 10 years or so, that I don't know if I'd want to "be with him"...maybe I would, maybe I wouldn't....I don't know...It might just be that I've always wanted what I can't have. I've always wanted the unatainable...especially when it comes to relationships. Why? That's probably another blog post.

My mind has been consumed lately with the things I want, and the things I don't have. I've been quite depressed lately. My boyfriend senses this...though I don't know if he knows exactly what has been bothering me. I think if he knew I was thinking about men from my past it would upset him. I don't blame him. I would be upset if he was thinking about a girl he was friends with 10 years ago, and if he was jealous that the woman found someone that made her happy. ....Oh my god, I'm such a fucking freak....What the #@!# is wrong with me....

I don't know really why I can't be happy with what I have. I obsess about the lack of a career, the lack of a home, the lack of....whatever...things could be worse I know. My boyfriend could leave tomorrow. Then I would be pining away for him, because that's how my fucked up mind works aparently.....

I do love him. I do care about him. I am however, frustrated with certain aspects of our relationship that have been troublesome from the get go. But if he left I would miss him. He is a great friend, and a funny person. I have trouble trusting him, as he has fucked me over greatly in the past....I think this is a big issue. I don't want him to go though...I just want the fairy tale. I don't know how to get it though. ....so I come here and complain :O .....

I need to show him I appreciate him....I just need to figure out how

The One Who Got Away

We all have one of these right?...I happen to have 3 of them...true, 2 of them are from my childhood, which is VERY pathetic...but I like to hold on to my sweet childhood memories-- it's a time when I was happier and still had hope...

Anyway, the fella you see here, is the one I am referring to in this post. (And for the record, the picture doesn't look like him)...For the sake of anonymity, lets call him "Jeremy."...

Jeremy was someone I met when I was a freshman in college. He was very much a sweetheart, though somewhat socialy awkward, much like myself. I think this is what turned me off at the time...anyone like me must suck and not be worth my time...romantically speaking at least...

So naturally I spent my time being completely infatuated with his good friend, who I'll refer to as "Mike."...Mike was overly confident, and pretty average in most ways-- other than his overinflated ego, his well off family, and decent grades...

At the time I didn't understand just what I may have been doing to Jeremy...I told him about all the guys I was interested in of course...even though I knew he had feelings for me...I can't recall exactly how I knew this...I think Mike may have illuded to it...and also during a heartfelt conversation once, Jeremy told me I was "a diamond in the rough."...This is one of the best compliments I have ever received.

I lost touch with Jeremy after only 2 years of friendship. I was too busy feeling sorry for myself, and the rejection I was feeling from Mike, to spend time with any of them. A year or two later I found out that Jeremy had met someone...and once I saw her in person...she actually looked a lot like me! :O...that was very interesting...I would like to think she was his "replacement" for me, but that would be just completely narcisistic...Perhaps I was the "precursor" to her...She was the one he ultimately needed to be with, and perhaps I was a "hint" of what was to come, and what was better for him.

I found out they got married. And I just found out the had a child. There is no going back. He is no longer available...Perhaps he never was, even when he "technically" was... When a man starts a family with another women, he is no longer available...and if he makes himself available, (unless he is divorced), he is most likely a cad anyway...

Jeremy was kind to me, and saw the best in me when I was young, when nobody else did. I know he is the one who got away...and I think I knew this shortly after I left the friendship. I know though, that he is much better off without me. I could never had made him happy.

Overwhelmed and Anxious....

I just have to much to do right now... Nothing life or death mind you... but you know when you say you'll do something, and then you can't right away because you are busy?....I feel like a horrible person, I can't keep up with my obligations. I haven't been returning phone calls, I forgot to email my sister for her birthday, I'm behind on my artwork, I've been slacking off at my day job ... and I'm sure there's more than that...

Sorry, I'm a little frazzled right now....these are just a few of the things...without getting into detail or anything...but something is going to have to give, I don't know what...I might have to "cut back" on my hobbies-- ie: my arts and crafts.....I love it, but it takes up so much time and I"m putting too much pressure on myself to make my art "perfect"...

I just want to sit, feel sorry for myself, and take a nice vacation.

What Are You Grateful For?

This is a question I asked myself today. My boyfriend is a recovering drug addict/alcoholic, and was working on a gratitude journal a while back. I came across it, and it got me to thinking...what am I grateful for?....There are so many things in my life that make me overwhelmingly depressed, such as the suicide of my mother, my horrible adolescence, my lack of a career, my inability to deal with people in general, and also my lack of hope for future survival....

However....I must admit...for some things I am grateful......

1) I have a wonderful father...he took care of me and raised me after my mother offed herself....I was still a kid at the time. My Dad is so good to me... I hope some day to make him proud, and somehow pay him back for all the good has shown to me :)

2) I have a boyfriend who loves me...and believe me, he has his problems....but he helps take care of me...he buys our food....sometimes he pisses me off so much...but he's so loyal....

3)I have roof over my head...I really don't deserve this...my father pays my rent because I can't hold down a full time job due to my emotional issues.....I appreciate this to no end-- I could be homeless....

4) I love the ability to walk and breath...I used to be a runner...but I can't do that anymore for a variety of reasons...however...I am so happy I can use my legs, I can use my lungs...I can go outside on the rare ocassion when I have time, and love the earth...I am so thankful I can move...I don't know what I would do, if I could no experience this beautiful earth....and believe me I don't, not as much as I'd like! :)

3) I am thankful I can feel thankful...I have been so numb during times in my life...I am glad I can feel gratitude, misery, pain, happiness, thankfullness...and everything else....