New Years Resolutions...

Yeah Right...like I can actually pull this shit off. Maybe though. I will only remember them if I write them down though, so here we go:

1) be more productive as an artist...on that note...

1B) dont' let my depression anxiety issues prevent me from doing art-- do some anyway-- even if it's shitty...

2) don't get involved with men who are bad for me-- better to be single and less insane....

3) less booze-- it's making me fat, giving me more lines, and making me feel a bit drained. Don't get me wrong people, I don't drink during the day or anything, but I don't want it to age me...I like to have some once in a while though, cause it mellow me out. Maybe twice a week?

4) start doing yoga again-- I miss having abs. I used to be skinny and rather toned

4b) get back down to 112 pounds and have abs (relates to doing yoga, less booze...less bad food too)...

5) don't let the "Alex" thing depress me-- he was an asshole anyway...good thing I found about before I was involved with him longer...

5b) don't let the "alex" shit prevent me from being a productive artist

6) take multivitamins and eat more vegetables

7) be OK with getting older, being single, having no career, and doing nothing impressive with my life...it's oK to be sub-par...fuck what my asshole family thinks. they can take their precious master's degrees and shove them up their ass...

-- that said--

may it be a year of self acceptance and blissful solitude

dude, I'm tired...

The last month has been really draining. There was my ex relapsing, leading to our breakup, "alex" no longer speaking to me...and all the depression that resulted from this crap.

My ex has not moved out yet, but is looking at apartments. I will miss him in a way, but can't deal with the drama anymore. I am really tired, emotionally and physically. I have gained weight. I feel like a pig.

Mean People Suck...This is why I like having a "secret blog"

So this is one of my 3 blogs. I have 2 secret blogs, and one "business" blog. I try to write nothing too personal in my business blog. Once in a while it does creep out though. Obviously nothing as revealing as this blog...but once in a while I may write something MILDLY personal...

(no nothing about sex)...I wish..

Anyway, on the other blog I wrote something MILDLY personal about a person I am closed to that is ill, and some asshole commented how I need to get a life, how I seemed like a teenager, and not express my personal feeling on the internet. They also told me to stay away from blogging...I'm generally a polite person, but left an email reply that said FUCK OFF...(that was my ex-boyfriends idea)...technically he left the message, I never would have had the guts...

My main point here is that I like having this particular blog to vent. And since it is not my business blog, I can say whatever the fuck I want. I've realized I need to be more careful in my other blog...though I don't reveal THAT much--that's the wierd part. I haven't had a comment on this blog that even compares, and this is the blog I say the personal stuff on...(go figure)....

so assholes pretty much suck, and someone out there in cyberspace has some bad karma coming their way...Seriously, it's not polite to make someone cry on Chritmas. Especially when said person is a chronic depressive with no health insurance, who's only therapuetic activity is blogging...

I hate my life immensely

You know those times in your life where everything just fucking sucks and you with you wouldn't have to wake up and deal with all the stupid fucking stressful shit? I am having one of those months. My ex relapsed, lost his job...I called "alex" who will no longer talk to me as a result, and my disability case is totally fucked. I recently discovered they don't even have one 20th of my documentation...no wonder I got rejected. (I hope my lawyer is good at his job)...

Anyway, I am alone and broke and haven't' had sex in over a month. I am very type A...perhaps i will have a heart attack and get lucky. (no worries people, I'm not suicidal...just extremely annoyed/pissed off and slightly depressed and feeling hopeless). I have no desire to be in a relationship ever again. I cannot deal with feeling so fucked over.

I'm Really Fucking Depressed...

I feel rather helpless right now. My boyfriend says he will be out by next week, but part of me is scared for him to go. I am across the country from "home" and I don't know a lot of people here. I feel alone a lot. I am not employed. My dad is paying my bills. I feel pathetic. I can't get a job because I am not qualified to do anything other than work in retail. I would get fired anyway. And if I even attempted to get another job I definitely won't win my disability case. Everything is fucked!

When I look at my boyfriend (ex boyfriend), I feel sad. I still love him, but there will always be the "next relapse" the "next job loss" the next "threat" or some sort. He terrifies me psychologically, but not physically. It's wierd-- he's always threatening to "sue me" if I throw him out, call the cops if I yell at him-- that kind of thing.

I hate my life right now. I really need to see a counselor of something, but I have no health insurance and i can't afford to see a counselor because i have no income. I think that's why i like blogging. It's my form of therapy.

Here's What's Going On Part 2...

OK, so my boyfriend is sober for NOW...Not that this reasures me...I know there is always a "next time"

I feel stuck...I have no money and no career prospects. He helps pays the bills. He doesn't have a lot, but it makes up for what I cannota do. I am becoming one of those woman I hate. I don't want to be with someone because he helps pay the bills. Our lives are depressing beyond belief.

I can't exactly go out a get a part time, or full time job for a couple of reasons...
1) I will get fired anyway-- my concentration is for shit, and I dont' interact well with other...I have a paranoid version of social anxiety...
2) I have a pending disability case...I was denied twice (even though I used to be on it oddly enough) adn now I had to hire a laywer to help me...now if I even try to work, I am fucked...but I'd get fired anyway cause I suck so I'm fucked anyway...

and to top it off "Alex" is now ignoring me, because he most likely does not want to deal with all this drama...I called him for a ride on the night my asshole boyfriend relapsed...he didn't give me one, told me to call the cops, said he would call me in the morning...adn then did not...He's been ignoring me for a week and a half...

ASSHOLE!!!!! (then why do i miss him)?