A New Sense of Chill...

I feel slightly calm for the first time since high school...so that would be like 15 years...I can contribute this to a few factors:

1) accepting that I'm pretty much on my own...gotta figure shit out (single for the
first time in a decade-- it's forcing me to grow a pair)...
2) got disability back...a very small amount of money, but at least I can pay rent, I
sometimes feel badly/guilty about this, but I know I can't hold a job (based on my
issues)...I don't want it to be this way forever, but I am thankful for what I have
now...
3) accepted that I am who I am, I am where I am, am not perfect..but trying to improve
4) I am a "late bloomer"...I've had problems, a lot of help, but I hope for a better
future...I'm not giving up, nor am I a lost cause...
5) we all have our own path
6) If you try to be what you love, you will attract what you love...I am trying to
follow my bliss...life isn't perfect, but it's improving :)

I have had a weird couple of years...broke up with the ex-fiance, (due to our various problems), had a few unrequited romances...other assorted problems...and then I realized I wasn't being my authentic self. I need to focus on improving my life and being happy. Being true to myself, even if that doesn't please the masses. I think I will be OK in the end.

Went Home to Visit...

It has actually been an enlightening experience. I have grown a greated appreciation for my friends and family, even though they piss me off sometimes. Also, I am reminded (by myself), that I am not perfect, and perhaps I overract to various situations and people...

Something has changed in me as of late. I have let go of certain expectations of myself, adn also of other people. I think I will be ok. Even if I am barely scraping by, earning $8 an hour I think I will be OK. I'm not sure what brought about this change exactly, but something changed. Have I hit a rock bottom? This year has been REALLY BAD, and I've experienced many lossed and various humiliations, so maybe that is part of it. Who knows...something has chilled a bit within my psyche though..

Currently

I dropped out of the tech school classes...I was in a very bad place...the air force guy dumped me, my ex got another girl, my gramma died...I was having problems with my artist friends ( a couple of them) and moved to another building...to much at one time...

Things are clearing a bit now...I've excepted that my ex fiance and I are toxic for one another, and also I love him adn took him for granted. We both made mistakes, adn both know it cannot work. I am trying to figure out how much contact I should have with him...I think the air force guy and I will remain friends, but knowing him, I'm guessing he'll be chasing a lot of tail when he gets back, so I'll only talk to him/see him when he needs advice...

money...who knows...disability for now, but now forever...I want to be self sufficient eventually, but I need to be emotionally stable a bit longer before I can go off or go back to school...

I just need to remind myself that these stressful times-- these too, shall pass...it will be OK. I say this to other people, but often forget to remind myself of this.