Exhibit A: Report Card from 12th Grade...

This is one of the reasons my Dad gets kind of pissed at me. He says he doesn't understand how someone could do so well in school, yet not be able to do something with one's life. (ie: go to graduate school, and or get or hold a job)-- bear in mind I've mostly worked in coffee shops since graduating college, for a mere $7.50 an hour....(and actually I wish I still had one of those jobs-- currently unemployed)...

Anyway, what he does not understand, is that I have severe anxiety, (social and general), bulimia, as well as severe depression, a hairpulling problem which leaves me looking rather "odd," and also a dose of paranoia...not schizo paranoia, but paranoid that I suck and will lose my job. (and this HAS happened before)...

What I am trying to say here, is that academic success at a young age does not mean one will be successful in life. You need to take into consideration emotional IQ-- which is something I lack. (perhaps there is a reason my ex refers to me as "short bus")-- sorry, very un-PC, but you know what I mean.

The Only Bright Spot of 2001/2002...

This was the worst fucking year of my life. Even worse than this year believe it or not. That year, I was in a car accident that changed my life-- it: fucked me up-- I used to be athletic and could not longer run. I also was puking about 10 times per day-- seriously....As a person with an eating disorder, not being able to run anymore really messed me up-- much more puking. I wasn't working, and also wound up in an eating disorder clinic, as I was still "fairly" young, and my father was able to help pay for it. ( If I recall, he just retired that year, and was not as tight on cash as he is now)...I tried to kill myself 4 times that year-- BAD year. I have not tried since. I realized after the last one, I did not want to die. I just didn't want to feel that way anymore, I wanted a better life. I don't have the better life yet, and may never have it. But it least it is not as bad as it was then. This movie, The Royal Tennenbaums, was the only thing from that year I can recall enjoying. I saw this movie on an "outing" when I was at the residential eating disorder clinic...I laughed, it made me happy. This was the only time I recall being happy that year.

Kinda Freaking Out...

About money, the future, my lack of job skills, the economy...etc...

To update those who have never read my blog before-- I am kinda fucked up and have a pending disability case. I used to be on disabiltiy in my early 20's for depression, bulimia, anxiety, and OCD. I wanted to be "normal" so I went of disability for a job that paid $10 per hour-- REAL fucking smart...but what do you know when you are 26?

So I jumped around from job to job, because of my "problems" and ending up getting fired at age 29 by the white trash queen of the century. (seriously-- teenage pregnancy, horrible grammar, leopard underwear that stuck out when she bent over, fancy hair, but missing teeth in the back...)

After this experience I filed for disability and moved across the country with my alcoholic ex-boyfriend. Oddly enough, even though I used to be on disabilty, I kind of "fell through the cracks" and was unable to get back on...I reapplied and was denied. It is now in the court systems and I won't know for like another 9 months probably...I'm kinda freaking out.

I have way too many problems to hold full time employment. My outlook is not good. Not sure what I am gonna do once I am 50 with no one to help. I would much prefer to be self- sufficient, but I havent' been able to pull it off in my entire life. I wil most likely end up dead on the street...not good...

Quite Possibly the Best Movie Ever!!!

I present to you...Little Miss Sunshine. Seriously, this movie is in my top 5. There is something about it-- the characters. They are so quirky and intelligent, and also so damaged. They don't give up though, they preservere. The people in this movie remind me of people I know, and other people I would like to know further. I've always enjoyed people who weren't quite perfect, people who were a bit "off" so to speak. This movie makes me happy. It makes me feel like it's OK not to be perfect.

Re-Assessing Survival/Life Goals...

The last 3 months have fucking sucked ass. My ex boyfriend the alcholic almost made me homeless. (Long story)...The guy I fell in love with (and was stupid enough to cheat with) started ignoring me as a result (and was fucking yet another girl, other than me or his wife)....and I have no fucking income to speak of...my 63 year old father is paying my rent...and at my age, I know how pathetic that is...

I need to find a way to be self sufficent. Even if it means earning $7 per hour and living in a fucking trailor park. I hate my life. I don't hate men, but hate the men who have been involved in my life recently. I can't rely on them. I can only rely on myself. The scary part or course, is I have no job skills, other than the ability to draw a pretty picture-- not that that ever got me anywhere...

I am alone adn need to except that. I really wanted to get married someday, and maybe have a kid. I don't think that can/will happen though. I have maye 10 years left at best, or I'll have one of those "Palin babies"-- if you know what I mean...not to be un-PC, but seriously, a woman only has so long...

I need to change my life, but I don't know how. I've always been a sqaure peg trying to fit into a round hole. These are not good odds...

Just When I Think I am Breaking Out of My Most Recent Depression...

I'm not...

The last 3 months have been bad. Like one of the worst depressions I have ever been in. I do have moments though when I think I am going to pull out of it. For instance, I recently started working on an oil painting, I got in the groove, and was feeling pretty good for 2 days.

But then the next day I started obsessing about the same old stuff again-- mainly, what's going to happen to me in 10-20 years. I worry I will not get disability back, and also that I will never be able to hold a decent paying job, as I lack job skills. I worry I will be homeless and die on the steets. Sounds bizarre right? These are the things I seriously think about. I think I have some kind of OCD thing going on, in addition to severe anxiety.

I prefer depression to anxiety though, anxiety is the worst. Especially social anxiety-- it always made any workplace situation difficult for me. I either don't say enough, or I say too much. I can't stand up for myself until I get so pissed off that I say something stupid. I'm too old to be this way, and am trying to improve on my social anxiety issues. All my anxiety issues really. Not much luck though.

I think I need to move across the country again. I know you can't run away from your problems, but I am not liking where I am living. The crime rate is bad and the climate does not agree with me. There's also not many jobs here (is there anywhere though)?

Back Home and Starting Over...Kinda

So here's what's going on-- the basics. My ex alcoholic boyfriend, who I refer to as "Bryan," is still living at the rooming house and not causing me any drama/problems. We speak on a daily basis (as he appears to be sober), and we occasionally hang out. We're not "together" though. Not that I should talk bout the drinking though, I am very fond of the "sauce".... but I do get up and function every day though...

"Alex," the guy I had the affair with, because "Bryan" has no interest in sex, is still completely absent from the art studios. (And just WHY did he apologize to me before I left for vacation, and say he wanted to take me out for a burger)??????--this after ignoring me for 2 months....asshole.

So I am single, broke, and romantically alone. It's nice that I am not as stressed out as I was though. I miss Alex. I hate to admit it, but I do. I think he probably has a bunch of girls he is screwing around with though-- like the horseface chic. Damn that asshole. I hate that he has this power over me. He knows I am back. I have been back for almost 2 weeks, but he hasn't shown his face. When he does I should spit in it. I'm too polite though I guess.

This Song Hits the Spot

Has anyone out there heard this song, or seen the movie, "Garden State?"...Seriously, it kills me every time... :)

According to my ex boyfriend, I like this movie because, "you're just like that girl"!!!! Maybe a little...I maintain though, I am much more like Juno, from said title...I really enjoy the interpersonal dynamic between Zach whats-his-face and Natalie Portman...and the fact that I was once rather cute/odd/innocent like that Natalie character...I think I have developed a Zach crush as well...I like that these characaters are wierd/odd/cute and slightly imperfect. If I see one more perfect fucking hollywood person I am gonna barf, seriously...

Anyway, I though I would share this video, as it is one of my favorites as of late :) It's a feel good kind of video...for those of us who are kinda impatient, fast forward the video to one minute and 15 seconds for the chorus :)