I Don't Deserve to Have a Boyfriend

My last post should be evidence of that. Here I am in a "relationship," which I've had for a couple years, and I'm still thinking about the "one who got away."....I would like to say though, given that I haven't seen "Jeremy" in 10 years or so, that I don't know if I'd want to "be with him"...maybe I would, maybe I wouldn't....I don't know...It might just be that I've always wanted what I can't have. I've always wanted the unatainable...especially when it comes to relationships. Why? That's probably another blog post.

My mind has been consumed lately with the things I want, and the things I don't have. I've been quite depressed lately. My boyfriend senses this...though I don't know if he knows exactly what has been bothering me. I think if he knew I was thinking about men from my past it would upset him. I don't blame him. I would be upset if he was thinking about a girl he was friends with 10 years ago, and if he was jealous that the woman found someone that made her happy. ....Oh my god, I'm such a fucking freak....What the #@!# is wrong with me....

I don't know really why I can't be happy with what I have. I obsess about the lack of a career, the lack of a home, the lack of....whatever...things could be worse I know. My boyfriend could leave tomorrow. Then I would be pining away for him, because that's how my fucked up mind works aparently.....

I do love him. I do care about him. I am however, frustrated with certain aspects of our relationship that have been troublesome from the get go. But if he left I would miss him. He is a great friend, and a funny person. I have trouble trusting him, as he has fucked me over greatly in the past....I think this is a big issue. I don't want him to go though...I just want the fairy tale. I don't know how to get it though. ....so I come here and complain :O .....

I need to show him I appreciate him....I just need to figure out how

The One Who Got Away

We all have one of these right?...I happen to have 3 of them...true, 2 of them are from my childhood, which is VERY pathetic...but I like to hold on to my sweet childhood memories-- it's a time when I was happier and still had hope...

Anyway, the fella you see here, is the one I am referring to in this post. (And for the record, the picture doesn't look like him)...For the sake of anonymity, lets call him "Jeremy."...

Jeremy was someone I met when I was a freshman in college. He was very much a sweetheart, though somewhat socialy awkward, much like myself. I think this is what turned me off at the time...anyone like me must suck and not be worth my time...romantically speaking at least...

So naturally I spent my time being completely infatuated with his good friend, who I'll refer to as "Mike."...Mike was overly confident, and pretty average in most ways-- other than his overinflated ego, his well off family, and decent grades...

At the time I didn't understand just what I may have been doing to Jeremy...I told him about all the guys I was interested in of course...even though I knew he had feelings for me...I can't recall exactly how I knew this...I think Mike may have illuded to it...and also during a heartfelt conversation once, Jeremy told me I was "a diamond in the rough."...This is one of the best compliments I have ever received.

I lost touch with Jeremy after only 2 years of friendship. I was too busy feeling sorry for myself, and the rejection I was feeling from Mike, to spend time with any of them. A year or two later I found out that Jeremy had met someone...and once I saw her in person...she actually looked a lot like me! :O...that was very interesting...I would like to think she was his "replacement" for me, but that would be just completely narcisistic...Perhaps I was the "precursor" to her...She was the one he ultimately needed to be with, and perhaps I was a "hint" of what was to come, and what was better for him.

I found out they got married. And I just found out the had a child. There is no going back. He is no longer available...Perhaps he never was, even when he "technically" was... When a man starts a family with another women, he is no longer available...and if he makes himself available, (unless he is divorced), he is most likely a cad anyway...

Jeremy was kind to me, and saw the best in me when I was young, when nobody else did. I know he is the one who got away...and I think I knew this shortly after I left the friendship. I know though, that he is much better off without me. I could never had made him happy.

Overwhelmed and Anxious....

I just have to much to do right now... Nothing life or death mind you... but you know when you say you'll do something, and then you can't right away because you are busy?....I feel like a horrible person, I can't keep up with my obligations. I haven't been returning phone calls, I forgot to email my sister for her birthday, I'm behind on my artwork, I've been slacking off at my day job ... and I'm sure there's more than that...

Sorry, I'm a little frazzled right now....these are just a few of the things...without getting into detail or anything...but something is going to have to give, I don't know what...I might have to "cut back" on my hobbies-- ie: my arts and crafts.....I love it, but it takes up so much time and I"m putting too much pressure on myself to make my art "perfect"...

I just want to sit, feel sorry for myself, and take a nice vacation.

What Are You Grateful For?

This is a question I asked myself today. My boyfriend is a recovering drug addict/alcoholic, and was working on a gratitude journal a while back. I came across it, and it got me to thinking...what am I grateful for?....There are so many things in my life that make me overwhelmingly depressed, such as the suicide of my mother, my horrible adolescence, my lack of a career, my inability to deal with people in general, and also my lack of hope for future survival....

However....I must admit...for some things I am grateful......

1) I have a wonderful father...he took care of me and raised me after my mother offed herself....I was still a kid at the time. My Dad is so good to me... I hope some day to make him proud, and somehow pay him back for all the good has shown to me :)

2) I have a boyfriend who loves me...and believe me, he has his problems....but he helps take care of me...he buys our food....sometimes he pisses me off so much...but he's so loyal....

3)I have roof over my head...I really don't deserve this...my father pays my rent because I can't hold down a full time job due to my emotional issues.....I appreciate this to no end-- I could be homeless....

4) I love the ability to walk and breath...I used to be a runner...but I can't do that anymore for a variety of reasons...however...I am so happy I can use my legs, I can use my lungs...I can go outside on the rare ocassion when I have time, and love the earth...I am so thankful I can move...I don't know what I would do, if I could no experience this beautiful earth....and believe me I don't, not as much as I'd like! :)

3) I am thankful I can feel thankful...I have been so numb during times in my life...I am glad I can feel gratitude, misery, pain, happiness, thankfullness...and everything else....