I am Scared of Life...

I think perhaps this is my biggest problem. That and the fact that I am a perfectionist. I worry that if I screw up (whatever it is I am doing) I will ruin my future chances...of whatever...I am also so afraid of failure I often don't try things....

Let me put it to you this way. I did well in school. I have book smarts, and went to a college that is ranked in the top 50 in the entire country. I will say though, back when I went it was easier to get in. Not sure if I could get in now...But if I could do that, and still did well, (even though I went part time)...it leads me to believe that fear of failure is what is holding me back. Now, if kids I went to high school with, who barely pulled of b's and c's are now nurses, you would think I could do more than work in a coffee shop for $7 an hour...

Maybe I just need to not be so scared and do SOMETHING. I am thinking a tech degree. I already have a bachelors...(in art, so it's pretty useless)....I need something to earn $25,000 to $30,000 per year. I think then I would be self sufficient. Not living high on the hog obviously, but enough to pay my own bills...no help from my dad.

Why am I so fucking scared of everything? Oh wait, it's because I don't want to fuck up. But wait, by not trying I am fucking up. I really want to go to med school. I fear though I will have a nervous breakdown trying...and I still would need to do like 2 more years of undergrad science...uh...maybe not a good idea....I would really like that though!!! ;)

This fear of life, failure and everything has affected my relationships with men too...I have let too many men (and boys when I was younger) just float on by, figuring they would leave anyway. Perhaps this was a self fulfilling profecy.....I could have had sex that one time with Josh, and now he's gone...one minor example, but you know??? man...

I need to not be so scared of everything and do SOMETHING.....Yeah, I've been out of school so long maybe a diploma program or tech degree...

I should be happy today...

I sold a painting today! Granted, it was a "little" painting, but it was grocery money. And then I sold 2 little prints. I felt great for a brief period of time. Until the end of the night, when it was just Alex and I. I thought he would come and talk to me, as we were alone in the building. He did not. I don't know if he realized I was alone, but he probably did.

Why the hell can I not get over him???? these are the reasons I can think of:

1) he actually made me belive he cared about me-- perhaps to get into my pants.
(It worked asshole)...

2) wow...amazingly gorgeous dude...tall, "sinewy," bedroom eyes...

3) he always had that way of looking at me as though I was naked

4) I really enjoyed it when we were both naked, and you know-- doing stuff...it was
probably the most passionate foreplay of my life, and the best sex...

5) we were very good friends, I miss our conversations

6) I often want what I can't have....

7) He intrigues more than most men I have ever met...

8) refer to 1 through 7

OMG!!!! I want to forget, but I dont' want to forget. The memories fade a little, but I have these little fleeting memories of our times together. I wish I wouldn't have deleted all the juicy posts on my other blog...shit...oh yeah, if you did not know-- here is a link to my other blog:

http://mylovelifesucksass.blogspot.com/

I hate my life immensely

You know those times in your life where everything just fucking sucks and you with you wouldn't have to wake up and deal with all the stupid fucking stressful shit? I am having one of those months. My ex relapsed, lost his job...I called "alex" who will no longer talk to me as a result, and my disability case is totally fucked. I recently discovered they don't even have one 20th of my documentation...no wonder I got rejected. (I hope my lawyer is good at his job)...

Anyway, I am alone and broke and haven't' had sex in over a month. I am very type A...perhaps i will have a heart attack and get lucky. (no worries people, I'm not suicidal...just extremely annoyed/pissed off and slightly depressed and feeling hopeless). I have no desire to be in a relationship ever again. I cannot deal with feeling so fucked over.

Is He Fucking With My Head, or Does He Not Know What He Wants?

Men confuse the fuck out of me. Don't get me wrong though, I enjoy them nonetheless...

So "Alex" has now been talking to me less, and perhaps avoiding/and/or igoring me. And this all started after we uh...did stuff....

I wonder if he:

A) is dissatisfied with what I ...uh..do...
B) feels guilty because he is in a long term relationship
c) he is no longer attracted to me, becuase he always thought I was so sweet and innocent...(not anymore)!-- I guess I blew that one out of the water :)-- no pun intended :).... :O ... :)
D) doesn't know what the heck he wants
E) is worried I will ask him to leave his woman
F) something other than what I have mentioned

This is very confusing. And he does chat with other woman-- are there more than me? Does he want me to be jealous? I have no clue. This is all very exciting and wierd. Though I'd rather just cut the drama and mess around, but he seems to have lost interest...I hope I'm not a bad kisser...I will keep you updated in this strange dilemma

I think maybe he just likes the thrill of the chase?....

Oh yes...In honor of this romantic angst and confusion, I bring to you this song by Natalie Merchant. I love this song...It gets to the point...



I absolutely love it when this song is in about 2 minutes-- so if you are an impatient type, fast forward the song to about 2 minutes :)

When You Spend Your Life Pushing People Away...

You end up like me?...

Perhaps...I know I've spent much of my life doing so-- as far back as elementary school. I kid you not, I remember this....Goes back to "Brett"...who of course, is not really Brett..."Brett" is the kid from back in fourth grade. We were good friends. We "liked" each other...but I was too chicken to be his girlfriend...so I said "no" (via a friend)...one of the biggest regrets of my life of course...why?...I know I was only 10, but it set a precedent...I kept pushing people away, because it was safer for me to reject them, then for them to ultimately reject me. At least this is the conclusion I have come to. "Brett" is now married and has at least one kid (I saw it in the paper years ago)..I think he has multiple kids at this point. And the worst part is, he married a girl who was a total snot-- she threw gum in my hair once...(%%$#@!@!#$)!...why?... :( ...

Anyway, this has been the trend in my life. There was another boy after that, and then another boy-- but he turned out to be gay, so I guess it wouldnt' have worked anyway...then there was "Jeremy" who I have mentioned before. I have been doing better with that lately...I can't have him, it was A LONG time ago...I've also realized we wouldn't have been compatible. There was part of me that knew we just were not quite right-- you know what I mean?...when there are little quirks, idosyncrasities (how spell?)....that you keep obsessing over?...stupid as it may sound-- I know we were not compatible in certain ways. He was good looking in a way, but not my type physically. He was a lot taller than me-- like a foot taller! I know that may sound stupid...but there is something to be said about basic human attraction. I think it has something to do with reproductive biology or something...

What was my point...I don't recall exactly...but I have pushed a lot of boys/men away in my life. I think in retrospect it is because I fear abandonement. (my mom did die when I was a little kid and all)...I regret some of this pushing away. These boys (now men) were lovely people. They are now fathers (oddly enough all 3 of them-- the ones I regret pushing away)....an I am me. I am getting older now. Not old, but old enough where I am thinking about kids some...like it will be much harder to have them in 10 years!!! >O...It's not about kids though. It's about people I connected with, and threw it away, because I was insecure. And I miss them. I have regrets. The song here was popular was I was a junior in high school. I think it gets to the point about how I am feeling about this.