Let's Hear it for Unemployment!

Yeah baby!!! (Imagine that said like Austin Powers).... :)

The good news is, I am not destitute...(not yet anyway)...With the help of my boyfriend and my Dad I can now pursue my art full time. (at least for now, until I am totally broke). Money will be tight, but I find I am in a better mood already, now that I am officially unemployed :)...Let me rephrase-- I am now self employed :)....I just don't fit into the 9 to 5 world....I'm too scrappy...I have too many quirks...I'm overly sensitive, I hate dressing up..I'm just plain weird...I would like to think I'm weird in a good way though! :)

So it turns out, perhaps, my fears of being "fired" were unfounded...I am now under the impression I was, indeed, laid off....Here's one bit of evidence-- they asked me if I could fill in this weekend! :)...I think if someone fires you they don't want you to "fill in"...and also my boss seemed happy when I said I would be willing to fill in on occassion when they needed me too :)...there are other things that reassured me I was laid off too, as opposed to being fired...certain changes were maid with the company to save money...eliminating my job position was just one part of it...

Anyway, enough about that crap! :) ....Now I just have to decide which style of art I want to pursue..I work in so many different styles, that some of my work doesn't even look like it was completed by the same artist...I don't mind really, but I'm wondering if I need more of a focus to gain some sort of success with it...We'll see...I'll probably write more on this subject later, but for now I've gotta run! :)

Not Doing too good Tonight...

I'm thinking about too many things...the past, my family...people I know, and people I knew...I need to get rid of the nostalgic streak, but it haunts me...Not to be melodramatic, but it really does...I suppose it doesn't help that I've been listening to you tube videos all night...think Alanis Morissette, Willie Nelson, and Anne Murray...

Yes, I know, potentially self indulgent and pathetic, but in a strange way...it makes me feel better...the songs I listen to, I listen to for a specific reason...the remind me of a time in my life, a certain feeling...you know? There's something about music that does that. It transports me back in time-- Alanis Morissette to my late teen years and early 20's...Willie and Anne to my childhood years...when my mother was still here...I don't remember her well, but I know she loved me. I wish she was still here. I know she loved me. I don't know how, but I just know. And my Dad told me she kind of favored me...then she offed herself. Maybe that's why I'm so fucked up. I'm very introspective and I know how I feel. I usually know why I feel the way I feel. It doesn't change things though. It doesnt' make things better....Maybe I should paint about it. I just miss them.

PS: this is a sketch from long ago...I did this in Jeremy's dorm room...

I Just Lost My Job

Big Fucking Surprise.....

The good news, at least for my own piece of mind....is that my job was "elimintated" because of the economy......they weren't bringing in enough money, so they had to cut corners.... (for the record, I earn about $600 per month).....Perhaps they told me the truth, but I REALLY doubt it....

I never fit in there....The people that work there are "respectable" looking....I am a bit scruffy. I have "trichotillomania", which means I pull my hair out do to anxiety, and have some bald spots. I don't dress in stylish clothing....I have an eating disorder, and am uncomortable in form fitting clothing....to make matters worse, I am at the heaviest weight I've been at since high school...in the last year I've gained almost 10 pounds....

Ok, sorry, that's a side note, and I'm slightly intoxicated...not mega drunk, but a little....I thought I'd console myself and celebrate.....

Anyway, I feel a bit depressed, a bit happy, and a bit lost... I don't know what to do now...Luckily I have an amazingly supportive boyfriend, who seems to love me...why? I don't know, but I'm lucky and he does....I love him too...I admit, I'm often scared he will fuck me over...

Anyway....just why was my postition "eliminated"??? you ask?.... I guess I am still wondering...My job has been on shaky ground for a month or so...I had a phase where I made a bunch of stupid mistakes...but then I was fine...Now they are canning me....in a very "polite" way of course....I was let go in a way where it seemed as if they were really "eliminating" my job...I was told my 2 supervisors were taking over my duties...there are other things going on though, which make me suspuct others are taking over my job...

Maybe it doesn't matter. I didnt' like it there. I wasn't good at it. They knew it, and I knew it...It still hurt my fuckin feelings....I feel like the biggest fucking loser on the planet...If I didn't have my sweetie to help me, and my Dad...I would be homeless and dead...I hope things improve soon...

Tyring to Make Peace With "The One Who Got Away"

Ah yes, back to Jeremy. Days later I am still thinking about this, and still trying to figure out why it is bothering me so much. Here is the conclusion I have come to:

1) I want what I can't have (I have always been like this-- the grass is always greener...)
2) He is seriously, probably the nicest person I have met in my life. Seriously.
3) He is a "stable" type-- ya know (not likely to go on a drinking/drugging binge and lose his job)
4) He saw the best in me when no other guys did (the "diamond in the rough" comment)
5) He would be an excellent father (and I'm sure he is with his baby he now has)
6) I miss his friendship-- he was fun, kind, and enjoyable
7) The fact that he found another woman makes me feel rejected....(I know, I know...but it DOES)
8) He is one of the funniest people I have ever met
9) I want what I can't have....

I'm sure there are more reasons, but these are the first things that pop into my head. I wonder if he ever thinks of me. I think about people from my past all the time...then again I have no life...I still wonder though....I miss him :( I can't have him :(....I wish I would have appreciated him back when it would have made a difference....he's happy now though. I'm glad for that. Just knowing that a person like him exists, somewhere in the world, makes me happy.

I'm Getting a Beer Gut

I like alcohol. I won't lie about this. I actually didn't start drinking until I was in my mid 20's. Probably a good thing I guess ;)...Knowing myself, and my obsessivensess, and my tendencies..

Over the last year I have got a bit of a "beer gut"...actually more like a tequila and vodka gut..but you know what I'm talkin about right?.... :O ...

This, er...gut...is fucking with my head...I used to have a pretty fucked up eating disorder....I'm in a normal weight range for my height currently...but it is fucking with my head...I was "thin" until the last year...Perhaps it's because my metabolism is finally slowing...or maybe it's because alcohol has a lot of fucking calories....Honestly, I think that's what it is...

Let's just say I'm drinking enough to make me mellow some nights, and enough to make me fat. I don't like that I'm not as "taught" as I used to be. As much as I like boozing-- it does relax me and all-- I may have to cut back. I don't want to be a fucking heffer. It's funny...I don't mind if others are over weight...but I just dont' want to be myself..you know?..I feel like a horrible person. Why should I care if I get fat?

Why does there have to be so many damn calories in booze? :(