A New Sense of Chill...

I feel slightly calm for the first time since high school...so that would be like 15 years...I can contribute this to a few factors:

1) accepting that I'm pretty much on my own...gotta figure shit out (single for the
first time in a decade-- it's forcing me to grow a pair)...
2) got disability back...a very small amount of money, but at least I can pay rent, I
sometimes feel badly/guilty about this, but I know I can't hold a job (based on my
issues)...I don't want it to be this way forever, but I am thankful for what I have
now...
3) accepted that I am who I am, I am where I am, am not perfect..but trying to improve
4) I am a "late bloomer"...I've had problems, a lot of help, but I hope for a better
future...I'm not giving up, nor am I a lost cause...
5) we all have our own path
6) If you try to be what you love, you will attract what you love...I am trying to
follow my bliss...life isn't perfect, but it's improving :)

I have had a weird couple of years...broke up with the ex-fiance, (due to our various problems), had a few unrequited romances...other assorted problems...and then I realized I wasn't being my authentic self. I need to focus on improving my life and being happy. Being true to myself, even if that doesn't please the masses. I think I will be OK in the end.

Life's Milestones...

So I've been thinking about what a lot of people my age have accomplished this far, and decided to see how I measure up. Yeah, perhaps junenille and stupid, but when it's night, and I'm alone, and I can't sleep...I can't help but write. So here we go...at at 31.5 years many people in the United States (that I grew up with)

1) are married-- NO for me
2) have kids-- NO for me
3) have a career-- NO for me
4) are above the poverty line-- NO for me


OK, pathetic and self indulgent, but I thought I would mention these things. This post was inspired by my college buddy adn his wife who works for the government. Apparently she is writing a book, and it is almost done. Yeah. Glad he picked the right girl. He could have ended up with a dud like me. Yeah...

Here's what I have going for me though:

1) I am a painter with my own art studio (even if my Dad is paying the rent)
2) I moved across the country from home (some people are afraid to do that)

umm...that's about it...I feel behind on the life's milestones...I think it is in part because i want to be a housewife/artist with a kid or two and a wonderful husband....not sure if I'll ever get there but I can hope right????