The Passion

I need to write about this. Seriously-- before I forget. 4 months have lapsed now since my last interaction with Alex. I deleted all my other posts about our interations (because I'm fucking stupid), so lets see what I can remember of our little love affair....

I first met him in January of 2008. I was up at the studios "exploring"-- I wondered who got the open studio-- it was him. (I was on the waiting list)...I remember the first time I met him. He was sitting on his little swivel chair and talking to me. He was so calm and confident-- overwhelmingly attractive. For some reason I thought he was a couple of years older than me. Perhaps it was his calm, cool demeanor. Turns out he's 2 months younger than me. We are both currently 31...It was a brief innocent chat, but I felt at ease. I remember this. And I remember he was attractive.

I moved into the next open studio in March of 2008. Over the next couple of months I chatted with him on and off. I remember he and Same came over to see my studio and Sam introduced him as some odd sounding name. It was interesting they both came over to check out my studio at the same time-- like they were taking a field trip or something....(spring 2008). Some time over the spring I developed a crush on Alex. I know we talked, but I can't remember about what. I recall looking for him out in the courtyard, it made me happy and excited...we had a "vibe"..

Sometime in the early summer I belive, I came to the conclusion Alex was a player. I saw him with Sam's skinny little horsefaced art assistant. They were walking up the stairs together and she had this "look" on her face. (and of course she's 7 years younger than me, and also taller and skinnier-- in terms of proportion anyway)...Happy/enthralled/in love-- you know that look...I ignored him for a while. I should have stuck with that instinct. Eventually he came to me...we started talking/flirting again...She disappeared... Perhaps Alex was bored in her absense, or fucking her in private-- I really have no idea.

Fall 2009. One of the most passionate, and most stupid times in my life. We flirted intensely. Perhaps (in retrospect), it was a result of the absense of the horseface). I did not know that at the time of course...He had a way of looking at me as if I was naked. He asked me very personal questions, but not in a "pervey" way. He asked me about my life, my struggles, my pain. He got into my head, he got into my heart. It's almost as if he had a book of "gaining a women's trust and love so you can get into her pants"...I felt oddly close to him. And it's hard for me to feel this with anyone.

I remember one of the first overtly sexual flirtations. I was making some kind of odd joke about how I was really born a man, but my thinie had been burned off in a freak circumsision accident...He said "really, can I see?"....and he meant it...he said it in this calm, serious...I want to look at your genitals kind of way...I think this was when the flirting got heavier...I think this was August??? Maybe early Sept???

More flirting, more intense personal conversations....He made some type of sexual comment (referring to us). I belive this must have been in Sept. I said something to the effect of-- "well, you'll have to use a condom, because I'm not on Birth control." This was when things became sort of serious...He later said he knew this was when it might actually happen.

I'll save the rest for another post...long story...I think I will put this on my other blog too...

I should be happy today...

I sold a painting today! Granted, it was a "little" painting, but it was grocery money. And then I sold 2 little prints. I felt great for a brief period of time. Until the end of the night, when it was just Alex and I. I thought he would come and talk to me, as we were alone in the building. He did not. I don't know if he realized I was alone, but he probably did.

Why the hell can I not get over him???? these are the reasons I can think of:

1) he actually made me belive he cared about me-- perhaps to get into my pants.
(It worked asshole)...

2) wow...amazingly gorgeous dude...tall, "sinewy," bedroom eyes...

3) he always had that way of looking at me as though I was naked

4) I really enjoyed it when we were both naked, and you know-- doing stuff...it was
probably the most passionate foreplay of my life, and the best sex...

5) we were very good friends, I miss our conversations

6) I often want what I can't have....

7) He intrigues more than most men I have ever met...

8) refer to 1 through 7

OMG!!!! I want to forget, but I dont' want to forget. The memories fade a little, but I have these little fleeting memories of our times together. I wish I wouldn't have deleted all the juicy posts on my other blog...shit...oh yeah, if you did not know-- here is a link to my other blog:

http://mylovelifesucksass.blogspot.com/

I Think I am Ready to Let go of my Ex...

For real, actually. I have been reluctant to remove my alcohohlic ex-boyfriend from my life, as I have often felt I don't really have much of a "support system" here so to speak. (I am a long way from home). Anyway, at this point perhaps I have enough friends where I will be "OK." I am broke and don't have a job, but not as scared as I was a few months ago. I am simplifying my life. I am eating sandwhiches instead of going out to buy a burger. I am probably going to move in with one of my artist friends when my lease is up in 2 months.

I can't deal with the drama anymore. My ex called me in the middle of the night, saying he was drunk and he wanted me to come over. I can't do that anymore. I'm not going to do that anymore.

I'm Starting to Look my Age...

And it's really pissing me off!!!! Ok, I still get people thinking I'm in my twenties, and I'm in my early 30's. But something has shifted in the last 2 years. Basically I have more lines, and deeper lines. And also quite a bit of gray in my temples. I think that is either from stress or tequila. (Although I cut down on the alcohol because it was making me chubby). Anyway, I'm not liking my appearance these days, and really don't want to resort to botox. I don't think I can afford botox anyway...

I realize perhaps I am focusing on my aging, because other aspects of my life are not going well. (ie: broke, no career, and no boyfriend)...I need something to feel good about...I hope I sell a large original painting soon..

Alex was at the studios today

And he ignored me. In fact, he left within a few minutes of my arrival there. Fucking asshole. How can you be sexually involved with someone on an ongoing basis, and just blow them off...MOTHERFUCKER!!!!!

yeah, he had one "Normal" conversation with me 2 months ago before I went on vacation. Said he'd take me for a burger or something when I got back so we could talk. 2 MONTHS AGO!!!!! What a fucking prick!!!! Karma comes around for sure. I know-- this is one of the worst fucking deprssions I have experienced in my life (the last few months). I'm sure it will come back to him as well.

Perhaps I am the Problem...

For a large portion of my life I thought everyone else was the problem. A common thought, correct?

But how could the whole world, with over 5 billion people be in the wrong, and I be in the right? (sorry if this was not stated in proper English by the way)...granted this is a broad generalization-- but you know what I mean.

I lost my childhood friends. Maybe it wasn't cause they were snobby, maybe it was because I was hyper and obnoxious. The boys in college didn't take interest in me-- maybe it wasn't because they were arrogant-- maybe it was cause I dressed like a little tomboy and had no self esteem. I had problems at most crappy paying jobs I've had since college-- maybe the people weren't all totatlly stupid/inept (though some definitely were to some degree)-- maybe it was because I was an arrogant little shit who thought I was better than the job. (A degree from a good university doesn't mean shit I have discovered if it's just in art and you have no job skills)...

Basically, I am over myself. I have realized I had an ego, and perhaps I shouldn't have. I am a little fish in a huge pond now. Insted of a medium sized fish in a little one...ya know...but how do I put this realization to use?

I haven't figured that out totally, except I am slightly more humbled perhaps. Still feeling sorry for myself, but humbled nonetheless...

Kiss Rocker Transitions into Painting

http://news.yahoo.com/nphotos/Kiss-rocker-transitions-painter/ss/events/en/031609paulstanleyart

I could say so much, but I will refrain...no wait, I won't-- I have nothing to lose...If some average fuckhead off the street did this is would be ignored...

I'm not saying he sucks, cause he doesn't, I'm just saying, I've seen just as good, as some better, but not recognized...

I fucking hate my life...(and I'm not just talking about me-- I'm talking about society)

I am Not a Career Woman

I realize this may be a taboo thing to say after everything the woman's movement has done and all...(and it has done a lot of good things-- equal opportunities and equal pay is a good thing)!!!...but I really don't have a burning desire to be a successful career woman. In fact, I would rather be a housewife/artist.

I feel guilty admitting this, but it is true. And it's not because I am lazy-- in fact, I prefer to be busy. But the whole, be a Dr., be a lawer, be a teacher...I don't fit into those worlds. In fact, most jobs I have ever had have stressed me out to no ends...and these were low paying hourly jobs.

I wasn't cut out to be a career woman. Given I am single this is a bit of a problem. I'm not going to marry any asshole off the street though. I guess I am just destined to be really fucking poor, because the "mega career" thing stresses me out.

What's wrong with wanting to be a housewife? I don't see why that has to be taboo...Oh wait...there is all that pressure from my family to have a fucking career...