Why do I Want What I can't Have?... (Part 1)...

I have a feeling this will be a series... :O...

Tonight I stumbled upon an avatar out there on the internet (somewhere I often am)...and the dude looked just like "Mike"...I don't know how many regular readers I have here...but "Mike" was the guy I was obsessed with in college who totally toyed with my emotions...(not to be confused with "Jeremy", the total sweetheart-- the one who got away, who now has a kid)....

Mike was a very confident individual. I would say only average in terms of physical atrractiveness, but he totally led me on...Or it least, to a 19 year old, it felt that way. He taught me seductively how to tango, he let me draw him naked, I slept overnight at his house...yet he talked about "other girls" and had no apparent romantic interest in me...I often felt I was there to boost his ego. Asshole!...Attractive asshole...

I believe in retrospect I may have been drawn to his confidence..or maybe just because he didn't want me...I feel like if I saw him toda though, I still might have feelings..grossly enough...just based on my reaction this look alike avatar! :O...

Why do I still kind of want this guy! AHH!!! %^$#!!#$$

Today I am frustrated...

Big surprise, right? :)

I'm not selling much of my artwork these days, in person, or on the internet...I don't know what to do really. I could blame the economy, but I won't. Reason being there are a number of other artist I know (in the real world) and also on the internet, who are doing all right in terms of sales...

I think I work in too many styles..I'm too ecclectic...to odd perhaps...I do some pretty stuff, maybe not enough?...I dont' want to sell out though. I dont't want to resort to that until I am on the verge of homelessness. My boyfriend just started a new job, so my unemployed ass is OK for now...(I would prefer to be contributing more though )....In my own non traditional manner...

I no longer have the will power to be skinny...

Maybe it's because I'm getting older...or maybe it's because I've given up hope...I don't know..the only thing I do know is my metabolism has slowed some in the last year or two...yeah, hitting 30 fucking sucks...

I should not go to that "certain guy's" facebook page-- Jeremy, I belive I am calling him...or his wife's page...I can't even get a close up but it is obvious she is TINY!!!!! This was obvisous the one time I met her like 10 years ago when I was on the verge of death and I was like 100 pounds...(by the way, I'm much heavier than that now)...from her pic she couldnt' be more than 110...she' pretty , smart, and married to the one that got away...oh FUcK!!!!!... she was even in the alumni magazine...someone kill me now...well, I have no health care, so there is hope I might get cancer and it will go undetected until I am a week from death...

FUCK!!!!!! :O .....

What Were You Doing on 9/11?

What was your experience? How were you feeling that day? What was going on wherever you were?...

Sept/ 11th 2001 was such a sad and horrible day...Fucked up and tragic in so many ways...I think about that day a lot, even when it's not around the anniversary...

On Sept. 11th 2001, I was in my last semester of college. I was living with a boyfriend at the time, who listened to a radio every morning. I got up and started listening with him after the first plane had hit the North (?) tower...I listened to the little handheld radio until the building fell...for some reason I was too awestuck/terrified to even think about turning on the TV...(my boyfriend was kind of a hippy and didn't like TV's anyway though)....

shortly thereafter he and I walked down to campus. I happened to go to college in a town that is a state capitol. I recall the capitol being completely barricaded off by those stripey white and orange wooden baracades...cop cars were all around the capitol. No one could get in if they tried I think...when we got down to the main area of campus there were these huge speakers up...people were sitting and listening to the speakers...

I later ended up at the student Union (a couple of hours later)...I was in horrible pain. I was in "the" car accident a few weeks earlier...(the one that totally fucked me up and I still have problems as a result)...I had to call my Dad to come and pick me up...at the Union there were 3 big TV's, and student were glued to them...

I actually ended up in the ER later that night...I was in horrible pain, and my arms were shaking...I was fine, but in pain. No where near as bad of pain as those poor people in New York though...

I could get into more detail abut my day back then, but it really is insignificant in comparison to what those poor people went through...that was just such a screwed up time overall, for most people I know...and people I don't know...

What was your experience of that Day?

Sarah Palin Scares the Crap Out of Me...

Note to reader....if you are a right wing conservative you may want to leave this post right now because it might offend you.... :O

Wow....not even for the CHOICE of abortion if you are raped or the victim of incest?....that' is SCARY!!!!!.... (in my opinion)...

Here's the thing (again, in my opinon)...if you don't want an abortion....that's fine...you don't want your 17 year old kid to have that option...(FINE...that's your/her personal choice)...I don't want your beliefs thrust on me though...Having someone like this get into office (potentially) scared the living hell out of me-- for myself, and all woman....

If I ever was raped, or had a child that was raped, or the victim of incest...I would want them to have the option...(so much for separation of church and state).....it does seem to be about religion these days....

How did I get so Old????

It seems like just yesterday I was 10 years old. Now I'm in my early 30's and have wrinkles...How the hell did that happen?

I've had the fine lines for a few years now, but this past year they've become more pronounced. I don't have the energy I used to either. My metabolism is slowing down, and I can't loose the last 3 pounds. Yes, I am fat, old, and wrinkly....

I don't care if other people have these characteristics-- I just don't want them. I suppose there's nothing I can do about the wrinkles, short of botox and plastic surgery. I don't want a frozen forehead though...not a good look in my opinion...

I guess a big part of the issue is I don't feel my life truly resembles that of an "adult." I don't have gainful employment, health care, a marriage, or a house...

I'm going to be a weird old cat lady...except I'll have dogs. I will dress them in cute clothiing and give them odd names, like Electronic Fizzlepie...or maybe Amsterdam "the snake" Roberts...