New Years Resolutions...6 Months Later...

Here is what I wrote 6 months ago, and how I am doing with said resolutions:

1) be more productive as an artist...

I think I have been. Josh has helped motivate me in the past couple of months...Since December I have sold 4 originals and many prints...I started painting at night and am more productive as an artist...not self sufficent, but definitely more productive, and selling more at my stuidio...

1B) dont' let my depression anxiety issues prevent me from doing art-- do some anyway-- even if it's shitty...

I'm doing the art anyway!!!! Again, thank Josh for that one...for a while there (this spring)...I was at the studios at night a lot, partially because i knew he would be there(this spring, and partially because i had an inkling he would be there...and I discovered I work betyer at night..I have painted more and longer...

2) don't get involved with men who are bad for me-- better to be single and less insane....

Um...this is complicated...there was Sam, and also (kinda Josh)...I will blame this on the booze...however...I am behaving now, for the most part, and am not involved with anyone...as much as I would love to be involved with Josh...he is in another city 10 hours away though...I am at a point in my life where I am having a little more self respect and don't want to sleep with anyone unless I love them and they treat me well..the last time I had sex with Sam he wouldn't even kiss me...I DON'T want that...I want love and passion and romance...or nothing at all...which reminds me...I haven 't had sex in a month and a half...almost 2 months????

3) less booze-- it's making me fat, giving me more lines, and making me feel a bit drained. Don't get me wrong people, I don't drink during the day or anything, but I don't want it to age me...I like to have some once in a while though, cause it mellow me out. Maybe twice a week?

I am doing a little better with this. I don't drink tequilla or hard liquor every night. I now drink beer or wine. Basically I have cut down on the hard core shit in a big way, but am still drinking the softer stuff for the time being...I did enough stupid shit this year to reealize too much drinking makes me do stupid shit.


4) start doing yoga again-- I miss having abs. I used to be skinny and rather toned

OK, I have not yet conquered this yet...still need to..

4b) get back down to 112 pounds and have abs (relates to doing yoga, less booze...less bad food too)...

the last time I weighed myself I was at about 115 (2 weeks ago)... This is 7 pounds less than a year ago, and 1 pound less than what I weighed 2 years ago when I first moved to this new city and started eating a lot of fatty foods and drinking too much...I am getting closer to this goal... I do need to work on my abs though...

5) don't let the "Alex" thing depress me-- he was an asshole anyway...good thing I found about before I was involved with him longer...

refer to 5B

5b) don't let the "alex" shit prevent me from being a productive artist

Oddly enough, the Josh thing helped me get over Alex. I can safely say now I am over Alex and am more productive of an artist. No matter how hot the sex was with Alex, I would not want to be with someone who treated me that way. How can you make love to someone on multiple occasions and just break off all contact??? Heartless asshole. I don't want a heartless asshole...i want someone who treats me with love and respect

6) take multivitamins and eat more vegetables

I started taking the multivitamins again this week...I'm doing so so on eating more vegetables...I don't eat them everyday, but have been eating more salads as of late...



7) be OK with getting older, being single, having no career, and doing nothing impressive with my life...it's oK to be sub-par...fuck what my asshole family thinks. they can take their precious master's degrees and shove them up their ass...

AMAZINGLY...I have gotten a bit better with this too...I would rather be single than be in a shitty relationship...I would rather be poor, yet getting by, than doing a job I hate, and which makes me miserable...I still kind of want a master's degree...but only if it fits my life aims...

OVERALL:...Holy shit-- I've done pretty well on the New Year's Resolutions thus far!!

Once Again Thinking About Grad School...

Grad school is what brought me to this city in the first place. I gave it 3 days, and I knew this particular program at this particular school was not a good fit. I bailed on a fellowship that payed half my tuition. I was rather depressed about this for a good 6 months. I felt like a gigantic loser at the time. I don't regret it though. It was the right call, I know that now. At the time, it was the only school I got into. This is my chance to rework my portfolio and get into a school or program that would be a better fit. For a while I was convinced I should try to become a nurse or physician's assistant or something...something mega practical. Even a CNA or a bookkeeper or something-- like a one year tech degree...Lately I have realized I may be better of sticking with something that I am good at and that wont' make me insane...

So here's what I am thinking...MAYBE a tech degree in accounting or bookkeeping (because oddly enough for an artsy type, I get a sick pleasure out of "inventory" and various mathematical problems...this way I will have a "skill."...and then maybe I can try the grad school thing again if I want, and if I can get in a program that would be a better fit...

Something about Josh made me really wantn to get my shit together-- IMMEDIATELY....I think I met him for a reason, and this was it-- get your shit together, do what you love, and don't let anyone get in the way.

Thank you Josh.

Starting Over

This is what I am trying to do anyway, in terms of career and lifestyle. I don't like the way my life has gone in the last decade, well...the last 20 years to be precise. Lets just say things definitely have gone down hill in my adult life, and it's time to pick up the pieces again. Time to figure out the career stuff, and eat better and drink less. Interestingly enough, drinking helped cut down on my bulimia...I guess it's not necessarily a good thing to replace one vice with another, however, given the bulimia almost killed me in my early 20's I guess I should take any improvement I can get. I only throw up a couple of times a week now. I used to throw up 10 times a day at my worst, and even 2 years ago I was still at 5 times per day. Now to cut down on the booze. Living with Sam is helping with that. And the fact that I have no money. And the fact that Josh probably thinks I am insane. These things are enough to keep the partying in check. I want a good life. I want a good job, a house, a husband, and maybe a kid or two. I realize I won't have these things though unless I lead a healthier lifestyle and get my shit together. I think I am finally ready to be an adult. Kind of sad to say for a 31 year old...but better late than never. (I had some delays in life I guess)....maybe I should just start taking classes and see if something clicks...

No Word From Josh...

Granted, it's only been a few days, but still....I feel that my most recent email was a bit to rambling, and perhaps the straw that broke the camels back. If that is even really possible at this point)...I wonder if it was apparent I was totally bombed at the time I wrote it. He once said he doesn't want to date anyone too much like him. Josh drinks a lot. I drink a lot. He's been in rehab. I have not. Let's just say I like to get shitfaced, but I function. Josh reached a stage where he cut down on the hard stuff, and he now drinks a six pack every night. Once in a while he goes out and gets shit faced. He admits he has trouble once he goes for the hard stuff. Anyway, my point is that I fear he thinks I am a drunk. I hope he does not think that. I do like to drink, I won't deny that. I dont' think I've reaches the status yet though, of being a drunk. I suppose it doesn't matter anyway. He is gone. I miss him. Sam ran into one of his friends today while we were at the vet getting our dog fixed. Sam mentioned he would be going down to Josh's new city to visit. I wish I could come. I won't ask of course...I feel like an ass as it is. Anyway, I'm sure Sam will want me to watch the dog. Tonight Sam is trying to seduce "Asheley." They are currently in the backyard doing some kind of candle light thing...I'm glad I figured Sam out before I actually fell for him. That dude is fickle. One minute he was in love with Kim, and then it was back to Ashley...and then the Asian nurse, and now back to Ashely...this is why I try not to get involved with younger men...

What I Wrote to Josh tonight...

HI Josh! :)

I know you're not much of an email person but I hope this is OK. I am really not very good at interpersonal communication like you are, but maybe this is OK????...for this second, .or this moment....??? ....(I'm sorry about that--I'm kind of shy, and am frequently very tongue tied-- I am working on that though)..i wish I had your "gift of the gab"....I really don't though, and I must honestly recognize this....I am better at writing than speaking currently and this is one of things I admire about you....You are magnificently eloquent...

Anyway....this is why I am emailing instead of calling???....maybe you are busy watching golf....or hockey...or painting...something????....(by they way, I do believe Tiger can still catch up, there is hope right???)..... :D ...and for the record...my Dad still thinks Steve Sticker can win it all, because he is From Wisconsin!! :O.....my dad refers to Edgerton as the armpit of America...interesting...anyhow (really, I don't know shit about golf).......

I hope life in your new city is treating you well. I was talking to Jacob the other day and he mentioned he had a friend down there who saw your art there. They recognized your work and that is wonderful! I am so happy for you!!! :) ...I hope that you are happy and that life is treating you well. ( and I hope you are selling an assload ass well -- you are a wonderful person and deserve a great life-- I suspect ancient Greece is calling (watch out Socrates)....I think you will get to that ancient collusium just yet)!!!!) ....I'm guessing you will get there sooner than you think....togas are a good thing.... :)

We all miss you so much and wish you the best. I do hope you keep in touch if you have the time or inclination :)

xoxo Kelly :)

By the way-- congrats on the $300 worth or prints you recently sold up here - -I imagine though you are probably doing even better in you new city despite kicking ass here :)

If you ever need help with anything here please let me know--I'd love to help you out., not6hing in exchange... Just let me know, because I am nice like that :)

We all miss you so much :) life is not the same without you....I want to call you but I feel as though I suck at communicating in person...(ie: phone or ...actually in person)...let us blame this on social anxiety issues....



Your new city sounds like a wonderful place to be. I know you don't really like email--and maybe I should just call you. I actually really suck at interpersonal communication, and this is why I am currently emailing you instead of calling you......so I am emailing you instead of calling you...but I should really do that....maybe I will????? ....umm.... iam not good at such things...

I will say though, I think of you often and hope life is treating you well and that you are happy beyond belief because you are a fabulous person and deserve that.

Ok, maybe I was Being Paranoid...

I think living with Sam with be Ok. I guess it's just like many roomate situations-- just needed a period of adjustment....I'm still without my own internet and still using his laptop so this will be brief. I still have not heard from Josh. It was 2 weeks ago I last spoke with him. He has been gone for 3 weeks now. This truly sucks. He loves his new city though. I can't blame him for not calling...I've also been reflecting on all the fucked up things I have done this year. I was very very naughty this year...in some ways for the good and some ways for the bad...I need to get my shit together, this much is obvious.

The New Place...

So I am now living with Sam...interesting...And I am currently on his laptop and he is sitting abou 5 feet away from me so this may be brief...I'm not sure how I like this setup...He is rather bossy...I don't like that...He's one of those types where he always has to be right. Why can't he just leave me alone, or why can't we just agree to disagree? He mostly criticizes the fact that I am too lenient with the dog. Whatever...control freak...

I told him tonight (after a few beers) that maybe the reason woman always leave him is because he scolds them. I told him women don't like to be scolded.....I don't know what his fucking problem is...he told me that he was hard on his ex girlfriend Anne as well..uh...I'm not his girlfriend, I am his roomate...I will call him on this next time...Every opinion I have is apparently wrong..

I will try to make the best of the situation, but I don't see myself staying here for too long unless our communicaiton improves...

I am Currently without a computer...

I am on Sam's laptop currently...I still don't have my computer set up...all is well here...no sexual tension..things are OK actually...this will be brief as it is not my computer and Sam is sitting right next to me...Turns out he and Kim are not getting together anymore. I sincerely hope I have nothing to do with this. I don't think I do though...he's into this other gal he's been into for quite some time...guess she's coming around now.

I don't know what to do about the Josh thing. Whenever I have spoken to him in the past month I have become completely tongue tied. I want to call him but I worry I will sound like an asshole. Perhaps I will work up the courage later in the week. Today me and the dude who is subletting Josh's studio helped sell $300 worth of Josh's prints...the duded called him...maybe I should have. Oh well..

Josh Called!!! :D

Now, I know I shouldn't get to excited because he's 10 hours away and all-- but still! :)....(oh yes, and then he did call the guy in the studio next to me about a half an hour after that)...but anyway, it made me really happy! :) I can dream, right?...

It was a pretty normal, basic conversation, though I will say I was really anxious, so I wouldn't say it was as smooth as it could have been. At the beginning I kept talking at the same time he did.. :O ...He basically called as a response to my email. (I think)...He said he got my email thanking him, and said "you're welcome." He also said he's not much of an email person. (good to know :)...He said he knew the piece he gave me wasn't the one I really wanted and I said, "no, I really like it!" ....

He told me about what he has been up to. He has been settling into his new place, set up his studio, and did a commission. He also found a park to walk his dog at. He says that's what wakes him up in the morning because he doesn't drink coffee. He also was able to paint again for the first time in about 3 weeks, and I commented that must have felt good :) I asked him if he would be staying in his new city forever and he said probably not, but he was really into it right now. I said that was how I felt about my current city, and eventually I want to end up in the Pacific Northwest where the "outdoorsy" people are...He said it sounds like it. (I have told him this before). He said he should probably go (get off the phone)...and eluded to something he had to do. I said if he ever felt like calling he could, if he wanted to do our old "suck it, lick it" routine. (We used to say this back and forth to one another :)...He said Ok, I'll talk to you soon :)

Did he mean it? Will he be talking to me soon???? Am I supposed to call him, or will he call me? What does this mean??? :O ...My friend David said it means I am on his "list." (ie: of friends)...maybe he just called to be polite in response to my email????

One of the new guys who are now sharing Josh's studio lease said that he thought Josh would be back in like a month to bring more paintings :)...this excites me...I shouldn't get to excited though...I think...

Slowly Moving in with Sam...

I have been moving boxes of my stuff over to Sam's house this week. I am happy I will be saving money, but I will miss living on my own in a way-- I'm a pretty private person. I really don't like people I know, knowing that much about me, unless they are a close friend. Sam and I are pretty good friends though, so I think we will be OK-- especially with the dog there :)

I also wonder if this may help with communications with Josh down the road. It may be a long shot but you never know...maybe next time Josh is in town he will come and visit Sam...He did say though, that his only really close friends still in this town are his former roomate (a girl) and his former model who is a pharmacist...I also can't help but wonder if Josh will ever ask Sam about our living situation...(You never know)...and hopefully Sam will say something good, and Josh will realize I am not an insane person who parties everyday...

I wonder when (if ever) I will hear from Josh...maybe not until he returns to town? I hope he doesn't come back during one of my absenses...I have 2 trips planned this summer...

I Spoke With My Friend Beth on Facebook Tonight......

She is the one who is having a rapturous love affair with my artist friend David. (they share a studio)...I told her that Josh left me an original work of art. She seemed to think this was something special. She said she would not leave an original work of art for someone unless they meant something to her...

This made me very happy :) Granted, it was a quicker original for him-- (a drawing/painting) and he works quickly.....probably took him like an hour or two vs. 10-- but still!!! Beth's input made me happy. She is one of the two people in my city who know the "full" Josh story...

I really miss him. He is gone. I have not heard from him. This does not surprise me, but makes me sad. I only emailed him a day ago though, I have no idea whether or not he will ever email me back...or call me...in terms of calls I think I left the ball in his court....I have been listening to this song a lot the last few days...maybe it's because it makes a reference to Dali and his wife Gala???? I actually mostly enjoy the melody...I discovered just a day or two ago there is an artist reference--our song perhaps? I have no idea...I would love it if we could have a song though...'cause ya know I'm sappy like that! :)

I Almost Called Josh but Then I Chickened Out...

Instead, I contacted him through his website. This is what I wrote:

Hey Josh!

Thanks for the painting! :) I definitely wasn't expecting that, and really appreciate it-- thank you. I love your series with the abstracted couples. I almost called you to thank you, but I am guessing you are probably pretty busy right now, so I didn't want to bug ya.

I hope you made it down there safely and that your cat was sufficiently drugged :D...Was your dog OK? I hope so-- give her a big hug and kiss for me! :D...I hope you are diggin your new place too, and that everything is going great!

Kelly :)

....I decided to contact him through his websight instead of calling for a variety of reasons. Here they are:

1) I don't want to seem desperate
2) I have pretty bad social anxiety, and worry I would start rambling like an idiot,
and say something stupid, and/or make myself look stupid...I just worry about
generally embarrassing myself I guess.
3) David didn't think I should call. He liked the idea of the email. He said he
thought Josh just gave me the picture because perhaps he felt badly about how
hard he has been on me lately. (like this was a way of apologizing or something).

I hope this kind of puts the ball in his court, so to speak. It will be interesting
to see if he emails me back at all, or ever contacts me. I don't have my hopes up, but you never know.

The Second Post of the Day...

I can't seemt to stop blogging when I have shit on my mind. It's therapuetic for me I guess. And since I don't have health insurance, or a therapist...I might as well write about it to get it off my chest...

I brought another load of stuff to Sam's house tonight. The last thing I brought in was a sewing machine and the picture Josh gave me. I put it on the kitche table adn said, "look what Josh gave me, isn't that awesome?!?!" Sam said something to the effect of "yeah," and seemed pleasantly surprised...I said I wasn't expecting it at all but I really like it. I also commented I had to get it out of my house before my ex boyfriend saw it. Sam asked me something like, "is he jealous?" I said probably, but there is nothing to be jealous of, because I never slept with Josh. Sam said "there are still things to be jealous of though." I said, "yeah, but I don't think Josh was ever really attracted to me." Sam replied, "well Josh has a type-- he goes for blondes with mega careers, who look like they are 18."...he also made a comment on knowing what your type is doesn't have be be a bad thing. I said "I know." and also something like, well that's part of life...

So Sam basically confirmed I am not Josh's type. It's odd, that one night when we were all drunk (Sam, Kim, and I) he seemed to think I had a shot, as Josh thought my x-rays were pretty hot, adn he requested to see them again. Perhaps Sam has learned something about the situation since then. I have no idea whether or not Sam has discussed any of this with Josh. I felt pretty good this afternoon, but now I feel shot down again.

I told Sam I was going to go and paint, but when I got there I didn't feel like it. I got some takeout and ate it at my studio. Then I came home...

And the Plot Thickens...

Wow...well maybe A LITTLE...Maybe I am just wishful thinking.

So I had not been up at my studio since the night Josh left, and as previously stated I didn't see him that one last time. I didn't want to humiliate myself..I popped up there today to bring some art stuff up from my apartment....and what did I find????

An original work of art by Josh. Yes, it is true... :D ....It wasn't one of his huge oil paintings or anything, but still-- wow! I wasn't expecting that at all-- totally caught me off guard. It is one of his abstract drawings of a man and a woman embracing. He wrote a tiny note on the back of one of his business cards, and taped it to the package. Here's what it said:

To Kelly

Sorry it's not the original
you wanted but it's an original
for you! Josh

Wow. This is very flattering. Maybe this means we can in the very least be friends or something? I want to call and thank him but I am nervous. I really should though...Perhaps I should show this to Sam and get his opinion on the matter. He knows Josh well, and also knows how I feel about him. As shitty as I have been feeling about the situation, this makes me feel a little better at least :)

Josh is Gone...Back to Reality...

Kind of....

I took the day off today. I haven't taken a day off from going to the studios in over a month. This happened for a couple reasons:

1) I have really been into the painting I have been working on
2) Wanted to have every opportunity to potentially spend time with Josh

Being there did not help the Josh situation. Perhaps he just thought-- man! that girl doesn't have a life...who knows, but anyway, I took a day off, just like back in the days when I was still with my ex-boyfriend and not chasing the boys at the studios...

I actually went and did some errands with Sam today, as he is temporarily without a car, and I will be moving in with him during the next week or so...I met the dog today too! She's a sweetie :)-- I am very much looking forward to having a dog, I think it will be therapuetic...sometimes I have significant issues with social anxiety, even around Sam occassionaly-- so the dog will help. I am fairly comfortable with Sam though, more so than most people in my city..

I also went through some of my stuff and boxed up some things for the move. I think I may bring the first load over tomorrow...it is time for me to focus on my shit...

No Goodbyes...

No fanfare...nothing...

Perhaps it is best this way. I saw Josh briefly today, as he was in and out of the studio moving stuff to his vehicle. There was brief, normal chit chat that co-workers would have, but nothing special. I left around 5:30 and was at home for almost 2 hours. I then returned to my studio and saw he had been back in my absence, and had taken what was most likely the second to last load. I stuck around for about a half hour. I actually felt like painting, but felt odd being there. When he showed up for the last load I didn't want him to think I was waiting for him, like a fucking stalker or something...

I kind of wanted a last goodbye, but at the same time it would be hard. Particularly because he is moving, and apparently not into me. It would be like pouring salt in the wound. I have already had enough awkwardness with him in the last month. He knows how I feel about things, and he doesn't want to go there. Why make his last night here awkward for him. Or for me. He pulls out of town around 6 AM tomorrow.