Currently

I dropped out of the tech school classes...I was in a very bad place...the air force guy dumped me, my ex got another girl, my gramma died...I was having problems with my artist friends ( a couple of them) and moved to another building...to much at one time...

Things are clearing a bit now...I've excepted that my ex fiance and I are toxic for one another, and also I love him adn took him for granted. We both made mistakes, adn both know it cannot work. I am trying to figure out how much contact I should have with him...I think the air force guy and I will remain friends, but knowing him, I'm guessing he'll be chasing a lot of tail when he gets back, so I'll only talk to him/see him when he needs advice...

money...who knows...disability for now, but now forever...I want to be self sufficient eventually, but I need to be emotionally stable a bit longer before I can go off or go back to school...

I just need to remind myself that these stressful times-- these too, shall pass...it will be OK. I say this to other people, but often forget to remind myself of this.

I am Scared of Life...

I think perhaps this is my biggest problem. That and the fact that I am a perfectionist. I worry that if I screw up (whatever it is I am doing) I will ruin my future chances...of whatever...I am also so afraid of failure I often don't try things....

Let me put it to you this way. I did well in school. I have book smarts, and went to a college that is ranked in the top 50 in the entire country. I will say though, back when I went it was easier to get in. Not sure if I could get in now...But if I could do that, and still did well, (even though I went part time)...it leads me to believe that fear of failure is what is holding me back. Now, if kids I went to high school with, who barely pulled of b's and c's are now nurses, you would think I could do more than work in a coffee shop for $7 an hour...

Maybe I just need to not be so scared and do SOMETHING. I am thinking a tech degree. I already have a bachelors...(in art, so it's pretty useless)....I need something to earn $25,000 to $30,000 per year. I think then I would be self sufficient. Not living high on the hog obviously, but enough to pay my own bills...no help from my dad.

Why am I so fucking scared of everything? Oh wait, it's because I don't want to fuck up. But wait, by not trying I am fucking up. I really want to go to med school. I fear though I will have a nervous breakdown trying...and I still would need to do like 2 more years of undergrad science...uh...maybe not a good idea....I would really like that though!!! ;)

This fear of life, failure and everything has affected my relationships with men too...I have let too many men (and boys when I was younger) just float on by, figuring they would leave anyway. Perhaps this was a self fulfilling profecy.....I could have had sex that one time with Josh, and now he's gone...one minor example, but you know??? man...

I need to not be so scared of everything and do SOMETHING.....Yeah, I've been out of school so long maybe a diploma program or tech degree...

Re-Assessing Survival/Life Goals...

The last 3 months have fucking sucked ass. My ex boyfriend the alcholic almost made me homeless. (Long story)...The guy I fell in love with (and was stupid enough to cheat with) started ignoring me as a result (and was fucking yet another girl, other than me or his wife)....and I have no fucking income to speak of...my 63 year old father is paying my rent...and at my age, I know how pathetic that is...

I need to find a way to be self sufficent. Even if it means earning $7 per hour and living in a fucking trailor park. I hate my life. I don't hate men, but hate the men who have been involved in my life recently. I can't rely on them. I can only rely on myself. The scary part or course, is I have no job skills, other than the ability to draw a pretty picture-- not that that ever got me anywhere...

I am alone adn need to except that. I really wanted to get married someday, and maybe have a kid. I don't think that can/will happen though. I have maye 10 years left at best, or I'll have one of those "Palin babies"-- if you know what I mean...not to be un-PC, but seriously, a woman only has so long...

I need to change my life, but I don't know how. I've always been a sqaure peg trying to fit into a round hole. These are not good odds...

Here's What's Going On...

So my boyfriend (soon to be ex boyfriend), was fired from yet another job. He then proceeded to go on a 5 day drinking binge and did not help me pay any of the bills this month. (So my checking account has mostly been depleted)...

He wound up in the ER on Thanksgiving, and they locked him up in some hospital (a state hostpital)? until Monday. I don't even know exactly where they are keeping him because I won't answer his phone calls. I talked to him once and said I don't want to talk to him. He called me like crazy on Friday and part of yesterday, but now he finally stopped calling. (Good)...

I don't know what will happen when he gets out. I think he is out of money, but maybe he has a little of his last paycheck left to buy more booze. Or maybe he'll start pawning my shit again like he used to do (my DVD's)-- asshole...

I am doing all this blogging on his computer, so when we break up I might not be able to blog for awhile, unless I find another computer to use. I am supossedly getting the internet turned off on Tuesday...I am waveringn on this issue, but I know I should...

Leaving Home...(for the first time)

For some reason this popped into my head tonight....I think it's becauase I was watching a movie that happend to feature college age people...

I will never forget the afternoon I left home for college. I was in the downstairs of our split level home, and looking out the back window. I was trying not to cry hysterically. I was scared shitless. I am an introvert. I don't make friends easily. I don't like new things. I am a chicken shit. Anyway I was teary eyed and all. I did cry...but I tried to keep it "quiet."...And then I heard my Dad at the top of the stairs say it was time to go....

I don't know if he knew I was crying. He probably did. Parents know those things i think. He dropped me at my dorm or something (I dont' recall the details about that part)...and before we got there he bought me a sandwich from a gas station, which I later at for dinner. Also, I went to the student union that afternoon, meeting no one of course...but I do recall calling my Dad from the union, that first night from home.

This post isn't particularly relevant to anything in my life currently, other than the fact that I am currently very far from home. (I moved across the country awhile back and it's just kinda strange- both good and bad)...

It was so traumatic for me to go to college as an undergrad, yet college was only like 30 minutes from home! :O...funny...