Where I'm At...

I have been abnormally depressed lately...(as in staying in bed depressed). My depressions were always anxious and fidgety when I was young, now they just leave me feeling tired. I prefer being tired and depressed to being anxious though.

I finally got my disability check. I am very thankful for this help from the government, but I also feel like a loser. It's strange-- I don't mind at all if someone else needs disability, but I am very hard on myself. I would like to have some type of gainful employment (as they call it), but I am just not currently capable of working full time. My anxiety levels are quite bad, and my bulimia has gotten a bit worse in the last 2 weeks...

The demise of my relationship with the guy I was dating is making it all worse. He gave me all this crap about how he couldn't be involved with my cause he was leaving for Iraq, he can't trust anyone-- blah balh balh...so he said he though we should just be friends. A day or two after he dumps me he starts dating a 22 year old who he falls madly in love with-- and she in turn, after 3 weeks of dating him, decides to get back with her ex. (karma :)....then again, maybe the 22 year old got back together with my former duded. Who knows, we no longer have contact. I am sad.

I was supposed to take a couple of classes at the tech school in a couple of weeks, but I am not sure if I am up for it, or would even like it. (CNA stuff). I got the idea from taking care of my gramma. I don't know, we'll see

I am Back Home Because My Grandma is Dying of Cancer

This is very upsetting. I feel like an asshole. I separated myself from my family about 7 years ago because I felt like I could not live up to their expectations. I felt pressure to be thin, perfect, athletic, and also have a mega career. In retrospect, perhaps I put these expecations on myself. Anyway...I was gone for a long time, but I came back to visit last August with the encouragement of a guy I had just started dating. He told me he didn't see his grandma right before she died and he always regretted it. She only has a couple of weeks now, so I am here.

When I entered the house I was so sad. My grandma looked very frail and old. I was overwhelmed with sadness and cried on and off during the hour and a half long visit. I gave her a hug and asked her how she felt. I can't recall what exactly she said, but the gist I got was that she was not in pain, but very tired and weak. I told her I was sorry I was gone so long, and she said sometimes absense makes the heart grow fonder. I also said I had to go and find myself. She said she knew I didn't have an easy road. I said I still didn't, but I was hoping I'd find my way. She asked me about my boyfriend, and I said he didn't want to boyfriend and girlfriend, but we still might be dating. I said the situation was confusing, but I really liked him. I said maybe I wasn't "the one" for him, and she said, "maybe you are." I held her hand for like an hour and a half. I hugged her and cried on and off. I thanked her for helping raise me, and she commented that we had a good time. I said, remember when we used to go"bumming?"...she said she liked all the garage sales we went to. I commented on the antique shops as well, and how much fun it was decorating Christmas cookies with her...She said she loved me, and I said I loved her too. I then went to visit with my aunt and cousin, and came back to grandma and grandpas for dinner. Grandma invited me to stay over, and I did. It was nice to be home.

Being Attractive By Being You...

This is a really cool post I read on another blog:

http://tobeme.wordpress.com/2009/08/28/being-attrative-by-being-you/#comment-15369

After reading this I couldnt help but aske myself, who the hell am I? I really don't feel attractive, though I recently started dating this hot air force guy within the last month. I have grown more and more insecure over the past week. After reading this post I wonder if it's because I am not being myself...so the question then is
WHO AM I???? Maybe if I figure it out and just be myself, I will feel better...However, I do find when I am being myself I am often ridiculted or critized, because part of being me is being hyper and vulger...Here's who I am...Who are you?

I am:

1) hyper and occassionally obnoxious...(surely someone out there may appreciate this, right)????

2) a romantic, although I am a tomboy

3) I swear like a sailor (bothers most people)

4) I am a good drawer, an OK painter

5) I love animals, especially dogs

6) I feel comfortable in comfortable loose fitting clothing...I don't like dressing seductively...I don't mind dressing "cute" though...

7) I am completely insecure...especially about my body and also my lack of career and money...

8) I want to grow old with a wonderful man and watch the sunset on the porch...with the dog of course...

9) I enjoy repetitive boring activities, and prefer not to deal with intense interpersonal situations with people I don't know...I have social anxiety problems...I should be an accountant...but I'm also scared of complicated computer programs and going back to school..

10) I fear life

IN SUMMARY: Being myself means accepting that I am insecure, and only deal with people who don't mind that I am a scrappy hyper tomboy who happens to swear a lot...no wonder I don't attract anyone...would this actually attract anyone???

I am in the dark place today...

The Tech School Tour..

It went well. I liked the bulding, I liked the teachers...but do I really want to go back to school for 2 years, to have a starting wage of roughly $10 per hour??? That is the question...well, one of them.

I already have a bachelor's degree (art), and I have already had jobs that pay this much, though I didn't really like any of them. I'm sick of being broke. As much as I love animals I may have to pursue another route to support my art habit. Accounting makes the most sense right now, as it would go hand in hand with having my own business...the next questions is, what type of schooling or degree...

this sucks, why didn't I do something about his years ago. Oh wait, I was really fucked up. Like more so than I am currently.

So I Have an Appointment To Go on a Tour of a Local Tech School

To check out their vet tech program...funny how quickly I change tunes, right??? Ok, I really love dogs...Only problem is bet techs dont' get paid shit, especially in my portions of the country, so I am having doubts already...

I don't know if I am going to do it...maybe I should stick with the med assistant idea adn shit...I don't know...I just want to get married and be an artist/housewife...is that bad???? I feel like that is bad, and I am not supposed to feel that way, as a result of the baby boomers, gen x, and gen y (and for the record, I am at the end of gen x)...I am confused...

Oh my god...I think I have a Plan..

Something just clicked in my head:

1) take a non-credit quickbooks class (for my own purposes)
2) get a tech diploma-- either a medical assistant or LPN (probably medical assistant)
3) take college level transfer classes and then try to get into school to be a physician's assistant..

why? Here's why:

I have been fascinated with medical science for the last 7 years. If I get a tech/degree or diploma I will at least have a "practical" skill to help makes ends meet. Maybe $25,000 k a year? Not much, but enough to get by...I would love to go to med school, but that may be too daunting...maybe I could handle school for a physician's assistant...my aunt does it, and she doesn't seem much smarter than I am, in terms of IQ...more grounded perhaps (she's in her 50's though)...and quickbooks??? because it would help me with my art shit...and I still do have a curiosity about accounting-- this non-credit class would help give me an idea I believe...

So there you have it. Let's see if I can do it...I would like to thank all my art friends who are driven and successful, as well as the all men who have fucked me over-- they have all inspired me to improve my life and become self sufficient...

Life's Milestones...

So I've been thinking about what a lot of people my age have accomplished this far, and decided to see how I measure up. Yeah, perhaps junenille and stupid, but when it's night, and I'm alone, and I can't sleep...I can't help but write. So here we go...at at 31.5 years many people in the United States (that I grew up with)

1) are married-- NO for me
2) have kids-- NO for me
3) have a career-- NO for me
4) are above the poverty line-- NO for me


OK, pathetic and self indulgent, but I thought I would mention these things. This post was inspired by my college buddy adn his wife who works for the government. Apparently she is writing a book, and it is almost done. Yeah. Glad he picked the right girl. He could have ended up with a dud like me. Yeah...

Here's what I have going for me though:

1) I am a painter with my own art studio (even if my Dad is paying the rent)
2) I moved across the country from home (some people are afraid to do that)

umm...that's about it...I feel behind on the life's milestones...I think it is in part because i want to be a housewife/artist with a kid or two and a wonderful husband....not sure if I'll ever get there but I can hope right????

I am Scared of Life...

I think perhaps this is my biggest problem. That and the fact that I am a perfectionist. I worry that if I screw up (whatever it is I am doing) I will ruin my future chances...of whatever...I am also so afraid of failure I often don't try things....

Let me put it to you this way. I did well in school. I have book smarts, and went to a college that is ranked in the top 50 in the entire country. I will say though, back when I went it was easier to get in. Not sure if I could get in now...But if I could do that, and still did well, (even though I went part time)...it leads me to believe that fear of failure is what is holding me back. Now, if kids I went to high school with, who barely pulled of b's and c's are now nurses, you would think I could do more than work in a coffee shop for $7 an hour...

Maybe I just need to not be so scared and do SOMETHING. I am thinking a tech degree. I already have a bachelors...(in art, so it's pretty useless)....I need something to earn $25,000 to $30,000 per year. I think then I would be self sufficient. Not living high on the hog obviously, but enough to pay my own bills...no help from my dad.

Why am I so fucking scared of everything? Oh wait, it's because I don't want to fuck up. But wait, by not trying I am fucking up. I really want to go to med school. I fear though I will have a nervous breakdown trying...and I still would need to do like 2 more years of undergrad science...uh...maybe not a good idea....I would really like that though!!! ;)

This fear of life, failure and everything has affected my relationships with men too...I have let too many men (and boys when I was younger) just float on by, figuring they would leave anyway. Perhaps this was a self fulfilling profecy.....I could have had sex that one time with Josh, and now he's gone...one minor example, but you know??? man...

I need to not be so scared of everything and do SOMETHING.....Yeah, I've been out of school so long maybe a diploma program or tech degree...

New Years Resolutions...6 Months Later...

Here is what I wrote 6 months ago, and how I am doing with said resolutions:

1) be more productive as an artist...

I think I have been. Josh has helped motivate me in the past couple of months...Since December I have sold 4 originals and many prints...I started painting at night and am more productive as an artist...not self sufficent, but definitely more productive, and selling more at my stuidio...

1B) dont' let my depression anxiety issues prevent me from doing art-- do some anyway-- even if it's shitty...

I'm doing the art anyway!!!! Again, thank Josh for that one...for a while there (this spring)...I was at the studios at night a lot, partially because i knew he would be there(this spring, and partially because i had an inkling he would be there...and I discovered I work betyer at night..I have painted more and longer...

2) don't get involved with men who are bad for me-- better to be single and less insane....

Um...this is complicated...there was Sam, and also (kinda Josh)...I will blame this on the booze...however...I am behaving now, for the most part, and am not involved with anyone...as much as I would love to be involved with Josh...he is in another city 10 hours away though...I am at a point in my life where I am having a little more self respect and don't want to sleep with anyone unless I love them and they treat me well..the last time I had sex with Sam he wouldn't even kiss me...I DON'T want that...I want love and passion and romance...or nothing at all...which reminds me...I haven 't had sex in a month and a half...almost 2 months????

3) less booze-- it's making me fat, giving me more lines, and making me feel a bit drained. Don't get me wrong people, I don't drink during the day or anything, but I don't want it to age me...I like to have some once in a while though, cause it mellow me out. Maybe twice a week?

I am doing a little better with this. I don't drink tequilla or hard liquor every night. I now drink beer or wine. Basically I have cut down on the hard core shit in a big way, but am still drinking the softer stuff for the time being...I did enough stupid shit this year to reealize too much drinking makes me do stupid shit.


4) start doing yoga again-- I miss having abs. I used to be skinny and rather toned

OK, I have not yet conquered this yet...still need to..

4b) get back down to 112 pounds and have abs (relates to doing yoga, less booze...less bad food too)...

the last time I weighed myself I was at about 115 (2 weeks ago)... This is 7 pounds less than a year ago, and 1 pound less than what I weighed 2 years ago when I first moved to this new city and started eating a lot of fatty foods and drinking too much...I am getting closer to this goal... I do need to work on my abs though...

5) don't let the "Alex" thing depress me-- he was an asshole anyway...good thing I found about before I was involved with him longer...

refer to 5B

5b) don't let the "alex" shit prevent me from being a productive artist

Oddly enough, the Josh thing helped me get over Alex. I can safely say now I am over Alex and am more productive of an artist. No matter how hot the sex was with Alex, I would not want to be with someone who treated me that way. How can you make love to someone on multiple occasions and just break off all contact??? Heartless asshole. I don't want a heartless asshole...i want someone who treats me with love and respect

6) take multivitamins and eat more vegetables

I started taking the multivitamins again this week...I'm doing so so on eating more vegetables...I don't eat them everyday, but have been eating more salads as of late...



7) be OK with getting older, being single, having no career, and doing nothing impressive with my life...it's oK to be sub-par...fuck what my asshole family thinks. they can take their precious master's degrees and shove them up their ass...

AMAZINGLY...I have gotten a bit better with this too...I would rather be single than be in a shitty relationship...I would rather be poor, yet getting by, than doing a job I hate, and which makes me miserable...I still kind of want a master's degree...but only if it fits my life aims...

OVERALL:...Holy shit-- I've done pretty well on the New Year's Resolutions thus far!!

Once Again Thinking About Grad School...

Grad school is what brought me to this city in the first place. I gave it 3 days, and I knew this particular program at this particular school was not a good fit. I bailed on a fellowship that payed half my tuition. I was rather depressed about this for a good 6 months. I felt like a gigantic loser at the time. I don't regret it though. It was the right call, I know that now. At the time, it was the only school I got into. This is my chance to rework my portfolio and get into a school or program that would be a better fit. For a while I was convinced I should try to become a nurse or physician's assistant or something...something mega practical. Even a CNA or a bookkeeper or something-- like a one year tech degree...Lately I have realized I may be better of sticking with something that I am good at and that wont' make me insane...

So here's what I am thinking...MAYBE a tech degree in accounting or bookkeeping (because oddly enough for an artsy type, I get a sick pleasure out of "inventory" and various mathematical problems...this way I will have a "skill."...and then maybe I can try the grad school thing again if I want, and if I can get in a program that would be a better fit...

Something about Josh made me really wantn to get my shit together-- IMMEDIATELY....I think I met him for a reason, and this was it-- get your shit together, do what you love, and don't let anyone get in the way.

Thank you Josh.

Starting Over

This is what I am trying to do anyway, in terms of career and lifestyle. I don't like the way my life has gone in the last decade, well...the last 20 years to be precise. Lets just say things definitely have gone down hill in my adult life, and it's time to pick up the pieces again. Time to figure out the career stuff, and eat better and drink less. Interestingly enough, drinking helped cut down on my bulimia...I guess it's not necessarily a good thing to replace one vice with another, however, given the bulimia almost killed me in my early 20's I guess I should take any improvement I can get. I only throw up a couple of times a week now. I used to throw up 10 times a day at my worst, and even 2 years ago I was still at 5 times per day. Now to cut down on the booze. Living with Sam is helping with that. And the fact that I have no money. And the fact that Josh probably thinks I am insane. These things are enough to keep the partying in check. I want a good life. I want a good job, a house, a husband, and maybe a kid or two. I realize I won't have these things though unless I lead a healthier lifestyle and get my shit together. I think I am finally ready to be an adult. Kind of sad to say for a 31 year old...but better late than never. (I had some delays in life I guess)....maybe I should just start taking classes and see if something clicks...

No Word From Josh...

Granted, it's only been a few days, but still....I feel that my most recent email was a bit to rambling, and perhaps the straw that broke the camels back. If that is even really possible at this point)...I wonder if it was apparent I was totally bombed at the time I wrote it. He once said he doesn't want to date anyone too much like him. Josh drinks a lot. I drink a lot. He's been in rehab. I have not. Let's just say I like to get shitfaced, but I function. Josh reached a stage where he cut down on the hard stuff, and he now drinks a six pack every night. Once in a while he goes out and gets shit faced. He admits he has trouble once he goes for the hard stuff. Anyway, my point is that I fear he thinks I am a drunk. I hope he does not think that. I do like to drink, I won't deny that. I dont' think I've reaches the status yet though, of being a drunk. I suppose it doesn't matter anyway. He is gone. I miss him. Sam ran into one of his friends today while we were at the vet getting our dog fixed. Sam mentioned he would be going down to Josh's new city to visit. I wish I could come. I won't ask of course...I feel like an ass as it is. Anyway, I'm sure Sam will want me to watch the dog. Tonight Sam is trying to seduce "Asheley." They are currently in the backyard doing some kind of candle light thing...I'm glad I figured Sam out before I actually fell for him. That dude is fickle. One minute he was in love with Kim, and then it was back to Ashley...and then the Asian nurse, and now back to Ashely...this is why I try not to get involved with younger men...

What I Wrote to Josh tonight...

HI Josh! :)

I know you're not much of an email person but I hope this is OK. I am really not very good at interpersonal communication like you are, but maybe this is OK????...for this second, .or this moment....??? ....(I'm sorry about that--I'm kind of shy, and am frequently very tongue tied-- I am working on that though)..i wish I had your "gift of the gab"....I really don't though, and I must honestly recognize this....I am better at writing than speaking currently and this is one of things I admire about you....You are magnificently eloquent...

Anyway....this is why I am emailing instead of calling???....maybe you are busy watching golf....or hockey...or painting...something????....(by they way, I do believe Tiger can still catch up, there is hope right???)..... :D ...and for the record...my Dad still thinks Steve Sticker can win it all, because he is From Wisconsin!! :O.....my dad refers to Edgerton as the armpit of America...interesting...anyhow (really, I don't know shit about golf).......

I hope life in your new city is treating you well. I was talking to Jacob the other day and he mentioned he had a friend down there who saw your art there. They recognized your work and that is wonderful! I am so happy for you!!! :) ...I hope that you are happy and that life is treating you well. ( and I hope you are selling an assload ass well -- you are a wonderful person and deserve a great life-- I suspect ancient Greece is calling (watch out Socrates)....I think you will get to that ancient collusium just yet)!!!!) ....I'm guessing you will get there sooner than you think....togas are a good thing.... :)

We all miss you so much and wish you the best. I do hope you keep in touch if you have the time or inclination :)

xoxo Kelly :)

By the way-- congrats on the $300 worth or prints you recently sold up here - -I imagine though you are probably doing even better in you new city despite kicking ass here :)

If you ever need help with anything here please let me know--I'd love to help you out., not6hing in exchange... Just let me know, because I am nice like that :)

We all miss you so much :) life is not the same without you....I want to call you but I feel as though I suck at communicating in person...(ie: phone or ...actually in person)...let us blame this on social anxiety issues....



Your new city sounds like a wonderful place to be. I know you don't really like email--and maybe I should just call you. I actually really suck at interpersonal communication, and this is why I am currently emailing you instead of calling you......so I am emailing you instead of calling you...but I should really do that....maybe I will????? ....umm.... iam not good at such things...

I will say though, I think of you often and hope life is treating you well and that you are happy beyond belief because you are a fabulous person and deserve that.

Ok, maybe I was Being Paranoid...

I think living with Sam with be Ok. I guess it's just like many roomate situations-- just needed a period of adjustment....I'm still without my own internet and still using his laptop so this will be brief. I still have not heard from Josh. It was 2 weeks ago I last spoke with him. He has been gone for 3 weeks now. This truly sucks. He loves his new city though. I can't blame him for not calling...I've also been reflecting on all the fucked up things I have done this year. I was very very naughty this year...in some ways for the good and some ways for the bad...I need to get my shit together, this much is obvious.

The New Place...

So I am now living with Sam...interesting...And I am currently on his laptop and he is sitting abou 5 feet away from me so this may be brief...I'm not sure how I like this setup...He is rather bossy...I don't like that...He's one of those types where he always has to be right. Why can't he just leave me alone, or why can't we just agree to disagree? He mostly criticizes the fact that I am too lenient with the dog. Whatever...control freak...

I told him tonight (after a few beers) that maybe the reason woman always leave him is because he scolds them. I told him women don't like to be scolded.....I don't know what his fucking problem is...he told me that he was hard on his ex girlfriend Anne as well..uh...I'm not his girlfriend, I am his roomate...I will call him on this next time...Every opinion I have is apparently wrong..

I will try to make the best of the situation, but I don't see myself staying here for too long unless our communicaiton improves...

I am Currently without a computer...

I am on Sam's laptop currently...I still don't have my computer set up...all is well here...no sexual tension..things are OK actually...this will be brief as it is not my computer and Sam is sitting right next to me...Turns out he and Kim are not getting together anymore. I sincerely hope I have nothing to do with this. I don't think I do though...he's into this other gal he's been into for quite some time...guess she's coming around now.

I don't know what to do about the Josh thing. Whenever I have spoken to him in the past month I have become completely tongue tied. I want to call him but I worry I will sound like an asshole. Perhaps I will work up the courage later in the week. Today me and the dude who is subletting Josh's studio helped sell $300 worth of Josh's prints...the duded called him...maybe I should have. Oh well..

Josh Called!!! :D

Now, I know I shouldn't get to excited because he's 10 hours away and all-- but still! :)....(oh yes, and then he did call the guy in the studio next to me about a half an hour after that)...but anyway, it made me really happy! :) I can dream, right?...

It was a pretty normal, basic conversation, though I will say I was really anxious, so I wouldn't say it was as smooth as it could have been. At the beginning I kept talking at the same time he did.. :O ...He basically called as a response to my email. (I think)...He said he got my email thanking him, and said "you're welcome." He also said he's not much of an email person. (good to know :)...He said he knew the piece he gave me wasn't the one I really wanted and I said, "no, I really like it!" ....

He told me about what he has been up to. He has been settling into his new place, set up his studio, and did a commission. He also found a park to walk his dog at. He says that's what wakes him up in the morning because he doesn't drink coffee. He also was able to paint again for the first time in about 3 weeks, and I commented that must have felt good :) I asked him if he would be staying in his new city forever and he said probably not, but he was really into it right now. I said that was how I felt about my current city, and eventually I want to end up in the Pacific Northwest where the "outdoorsy" people are...He said it sounds like it. (I have told him this before). He said he should probably go (get off the phone)...and eluded to something he had to do. I said if he ever felt like calling he could, if he wanted to do our old "suck it, lick it" routine. (We used to say this back and forth to one another :)...He said Ok, I'll talk to you soon :)

Did he mean it? Will he be talking to me soon???? Am I supposed to call him, or will he call me? What does this mean??? :O ...My friend David said it means I am on his "list." (ie: of friends)...maybe he just called to be polite in response to my email????

One of the new guys who are now sharing Josh's studio lease said that he thought Josh would be back in like a month to bring more paintings :)...this excites me...I shouldn't get to excited though...I think...

Slowly Moving in with Sam...

I have been moving boxes of my stuff over to Sam's house this week. I am happy I will be saving money, but I will miss living on my own in a way-- I'm a pretty private person. I really don't like people I know, knowing that much about me, unless they are a close friend. Sam and I are pretty good friends though, so I think we will be OK-- especially with the dog there :)

I also wonder if this may help with communications with Josh down the road. It may be a long shot but you never know...maybe next time Josh is in town he will come and visit Sam...He did say though, that his only really close friends still in this town are his former roomate (a girl) and his former model who is a pharmacist...I also can't help but wonder if Josh will ever ask Sam about our living situation...(You never know)...and hopefully Sam will say something good, and Josh will realize I am not an insane person who parties everyday...

I wonder when (if ever) I will hear from Josh...maybe not until he returns to town? I hope he doesn't come back during one of my absenses...I have 2 trips planned this summer...

I Spoke With My Friend Beth on Facebook Tonight......

She is the one who is having a rapturous love affair with my artist friend David. (they share a studio)...I told her that Josh left me an original work of art. She seemed to think this was something special. She said she would not leave an original work of art for someone unless they meant something to her...

This made me very happy :) Granted, it was a quicker original for him-- (a drawing/painting) and he works quickly.....probably took him like an hour or two vs. 10-- but still!!! Beth's input made me happy. She is one of the two people in my city who know the "full" Josh story...

I really miss him. He is gone. I have not heard from him. This does not surprise me, but makes me sad. I only emailed him a day ago though, I have no idea whether or not he will ever email me back...or call me...in terms of calls I think I left the ball in his court....I have been listening to this song a lot the last few days...maybe it's because it makes a reference to Dali and his wife Gala???? I actually mostly enjoy the melody...I discovered just a day or two ago there is an artist reference--our song perhaps? I have no idea...I would love it if we could have a song though...'cause ya know I'm sappy like that! :)

I Almost Called Josh but Then I Chickened Out...

Instead, I contacted him through his website. This is what I wrote:

Hey Josh!

Thanks for the painting! :) I definitely wasn't expecting that, and really appreciate it-- thank you. I love your series with the abstracted couples. I almost called you to thank you, but I am guessing you are probably pretty busy right now, so I didn't want to bug ya.

I hope you made it down there safely and that your cat was sufficiently drugged :D...Was your dog OK? I hope so-- give her a big hug and kiss for me! :D...I hope you are diggin your new place too, and that everything is going great!

Kelly :)

....I decided to contact him through his websight instead of calling for a variety of reasons. Here they are:

1) I don't want to seem desperate
2) I have pretty bad social anxiety, and worry I would start rambling like an idiot,
and say something stupid, and/or make myself look stupid...I just worry about
generally embarrassing myself I guess.
3) David didn't think I should call. He liked the idea of the email. He said he
thought Josh just gave me the picture because perhaps he felt badly about how
hard he has been on me lately. (like this was a way of apologizing or something).

I hope this kind of puts the ball in his court, so to speak. It will be interesting
to see if he emails me back at all, or ever contacts me. I don't have my hopes up, but you never know.

The Second Post of the Day...

I can't seemt to stop blogging when I have shit on my mind. It's therapuetic for me I guess. And since I don't have health insurance, or a therapist...I might as well write about it to get it off my chest...

I brought another load of stuff to Sam's house tonight. The last thing I brought in was a sewing machine and the picture Josh gave me. I put it on the kitche table adn said, "look what Josh gave me, isn't that awesome?!?!" Sam said something to the effect of "yeah," and seemed pleasantly surprised...I said I wasn't expecting it at all but I really like it. I also commented I had to get it out of my house before my ex boyfriend saw it. Sam asked me something like, "is he jealous?" I said probably, but there is nothing to be jealous of, because I never slept with Josh. Sam said "there are still things to be jealous of though." I said, "yeah, but I don't think Josh was ever really attracted to me." Sam replied, "well Josh has a type-- he goes for blondes with mega careers, who look like they are 18."...he also made a comment on knowing what your type is doesn't have be be a bad thing. I said "I know." and also something like, well that's part of life...

So Sam basically confirmed I am not Josh's type. It's odd, that one night when we were all drunk (Sam, Kim, and I) he seemed to think I had a shot, as Josh thought my x-rays were pretty hot, adn he requested to see them again. Perhaps Sam has learned something about the situation since then. I have no idea whether or not Sam has discussed any of this with Josh. I felt pretty good this afternoon, but now I feel shot down again.

I told Sam I was going to go and paint, but when I got there I didn't feel like it. I got some takeout and ate it at my studio. Then I came home...

And the Plot Thickens...

Wow...well maybe A LITTLE...Maybe I am just wishful thinking.

So I had not been up at my studio since the night Josh left, and as previously stated I didn't see him that one last time. I didn't want to humiliate myself..I popped up there today to bring some art stuff up from my apartment....and what did I find????

An original work of art by Josh. Yes, it is true... :D ....It wasn't one of his huge oil paintings or anything, but still-- wow! I wasn't expecting that at all-- totally caught me off guard. It is one of his abstract drawings of a man and a woman embracing. He wrote a tiny note on the back of one of his business cards, and taped it to the package. Here's what it said:

To Kelly

Sorry it's not the original
you wanted but it's an original
for you! Josh

Wow. This is very flattering. Maybe this means we can in the very least be friends or something? I want to call and thank him but I am nervous. I really should though...Perhaps I should show this to Sam and get his opinion on the matter. He knows Josh well, and also knows how I feel about him. As shitty as I have been feeling about the situation, this makes me feel a little better at least :)

Josh is Gone...Back to Reality...

Kind of....

I took the day off today. I haven't taken a day off from going to the studios in over a month. This happened for a couple reasons:

1) I have really been into the painting I have been working on
2) Wanted to have every opportunity to potentially spend time with Josh

Being there did not help the Josh situation. Perhaps he just thought-- man! that girl doesn't have a life...who knows, but anyway, I took a day off, just like back in the days when I was still with my ex-boyfriend and not chasing the boys at the studios...

I actually went and did some errands with Sam today, as he is temporarily without a car, and I will be moving in with him during the next week or so...I met the dog today too! She's a sweetie :)-- I am very much looking forward to having a dog, I think it will be therapuetic...sometimes I have significant issues with social anxiety, even around Sam occassionaly-- so the dog will help. I am fairly comfortable with Sam though, more so than most people in my city..

I also went through some of my stuff and boxed up some things for the move. I think I may bring the first load over tomorrow...it is time for me to focus on my shit...

No Goodbyes...

No fanfare...nothing...

Perhaps it is best this way. I saw Josh briefly today, as he was in and out of the studio moving stuff to his vehicle. There was brief, normal chit chat that co-workers would have, but nothing special. I left around 5:30 and was at home for almost 2 hours. I then returned to my studio and saw he had been back in my absence, and had taken what was most likely the second to last load. I stuck around for about a half hour. I actually felt like painting, but felt odd being there. When he showed up for the last load I didn't want him to think I was waiting for him, like a fucking stalker or something...

I kind of wanted a last goodbye, but at the same time it would be hard. Particularly because he is moving, and apparently not into me. It would be like pouring salt in the wound. I have already had enough awkwardness with him in the last month. He knows how I feel about things, and he doesn't want to go there. Why make his last night here awkward for him. Or for me. He pulls out of town around 6 AM tomorrow.

I'm Really Glad the Mercury Retrograde is Over...

For those of you out there in cyberspace who are not familiar with mercury in retrograde, it basically means communications get totally fucked up. This explains some of the Josh problems perhaps...

Today we had a slightly normal conversation. He was up at the studio doing some things to get his studio in order and he chatted with me a bit. We talked about the career stuff and he said he got so frustrated when he talked to me about this, as he is under the impression I don't know what I want to do. I said I know, we don't have to talk about it. I tried to explain to him again, that I do want to do art for a living, but I am very practical and like to have a steady paycheck. I said I am trying to decide on what type of day job to support my art, until the art takes off (or if it doesn't). I THINK he kind of gets where I am coming from now, even though it drives him nuts....

I felt kind of stupid, so I began to walk away, and he then said I hope you don't think I am being too hard on you. I said I didn't think he was being too hard on me, but he did hurt my feelings a few days ago when he said no one here has any hopes and dreams, and he lumped me into that category. He said he was sorry. I said it's OK. Maybe now that the retrograde is over he gets where I'm coming from a little more.

We also talked a bit about his plans for the week as he arrives in his new city. He'll be getting furniture and such, and then he will start to paint again, etc....

On another interesting side note: my exboyfriend was cleaning his stuff out of my apartment last night, and had a spare key. So he bursts into my apartment at 2 AM, when I am asleep and says something to the effect of: "I"m taking the external harddrive!...and who are you out sleeping with?!?!" I was groggy and half asleep adn told him the truth-- I'm not sleeping with anybody.

Unfortunatley, I have no sex life...

It's Over, No Hope..

With Josh I mean. More than apparent. We had a little party for him up at the studios. I had plenty of liquor...Josh was jovial. At one point when I was pouring myself some more tequilla Sam said, "I caught ya!" Apparently I am getting a reputation as a partier...anyway...

At one point David said something like, "if a guy ever sings you this song, then you know he loves you'"...etc...I said no man has ever sung me a song, but my ex did buy me roses on occassion. I also said I knew I was probably going to be alone and that I will be a wierd old dog lady...Josh said, "With an attitude like that you will be!"...he's a happy guy and does not like pessimists..he hung out with us artists for a couple of hours, but didn't really look at me while he told his stories. Later I chatted with him alone briefly. I asked him about his earliest childhood memory and he said it was probably when he went to kindergarden...I recall he also said I should not be so hard on myself. Yeah...that's easy...then he left the party to go hang out with some other friends.

Perhaps I Will Never Be Invited to a Party Again... :O

Apparently the girl who's bed I broke is REALLY pissed. That is understandable. I said I would pay for it though, even though I am tight on cash. She felt she was totally disrespected and stuff. I would never go in to someones home and break something intentionally (or non-intentionally) and just blow it off and not feel bad. So anyway, her boyfriend called this morning about the bed and I agreed to give them $200 for the bed. She is pissed though, because it is an Ikea bed, and the shipping would be over $350 in addition to the cost of the bed. So the long and short of it is that they will be getting a new bed, but not Ikea, which I will pay for, and she is still pissed. The embarrassing part is that most of the people at this party work in the same place I do, though they are not artists. Josh was there too. Another reason for him to think I am an insane irresponsible person. Great. I seem to keep making matters worse for myself.

The Wild Night..Unforuntately, no sex though...

So Josh was up at the studios today, and at one point asked me if I was going to the concert in the park. I said I didn't know there was a concert (I didn't-- I don't pay attention to such things, top self absorbed).....Knowing this, I ended up going to the concert. Some people from work saw me there and flagged me down. My friend "Maureen" found me and said I was wandering around like I was looking for someone. She said she thought I was looking for "Josh>"...shit,...does everybody know????I said I was looking for beer...and also my friend Kim...

I ended up in the mosh pit drinking beer and jumping up and down. I caught up with most of them after the concert. We went to a house. Josh was there....I played the drums and accidentally broke a bed...I jumped on it.. :O...I said I would pay for it...I feel bad...I hope she calls me...I will totally pay her back...

The just of the story is that Josh and I ignored each other even though we were both drinking. I ignored him because I didnt' want to seem needy...maybe he ignored me because he can't stand me....whatever...I dont' know...he did give the eye to the 21 year old in the mini skirt though...made me wanna fucking puke...she is the sister of one of our friends,.....he flirted at ONE point with me earlier, but only that one point....he was OBVIOUSLY fucked up...,most likely alcohol and weed....

Basically he ignored me...but oddly enough watched out for me in a way...at one point shots of wiskey were purchased and he wouldn't let me have one. I wanted one and he tried to give it to someone else, I kept reaching for it...I said I would behave myself. another dude gave me part of his shot and Josh said, "that guy is out of here."...we then left, he oggled the little girl...and another dude (who is sweet and trustworthy (walked me home)...

why was Josh checking out the young gal instead of me? Was it because she was younger or drunker? :(...oh well...

PS: when we were all going to part ways Josh asked me if I was good and I said yes. I hugged him and said something to the effect of, "I can hold back when I need to" and I told him to have a good night. I kissed him on the cheek, as he most likely thought of the other gal...One of my other friends walked me home.

NADA....Zilch...yes, it is true....

No signs of Josh at the studios today, unless he got there way earlier than I did. I think he is avoiding me. So be it....it makes me sad though. I miss his friendship and raunchy obnoxious banter if nothing else. He must have been with "friends" today. I think he pulls out of town permanently on Sunday...

He said yesterday, most of his true friends have already left town. He said his only "good/true" friends still in town are his former model (who is a pharmacist and makes $120,000 per year, and his former roommate (a girl) who is an architect/baddass bartender...apparently they are both strong woman-- I am the opposite of that-- a total weakling...I am guessing he may have told one or both of them about my unrequited love for him...not because I am anything special, but because it feels good to be admired...if someone had a thing for me I might tell a couple of my friends...

Today his "neighbor" with the big boobs showed up-- 6 PMish. This was the gal he made the comment to another artist about-- how she had big boobs adn was wearing a tank top at the dog park. She showed up in a cute little dress and asked for Josh's phone number. I gave it to her natur-ally....I think she probably wants to do him or something...we all do...I will say though, other than her boobs, she is not much to look at...not that I should talk, but she doesn't seem like his type. He likes petite woman who are cute and makeupy....she is tall and not overly beautiful...big boobs though...oh well...

who knows what he did today. I am trying not to think about it. He will be gone in a few days, and perhaps I can move on with my life.

The Final Nail in the Coffin...??? :(

This makes me sad. I was really into this guy Josh. He has been doing the usual "avoiding" me for the most part, but with a little chit chat here and there. He has had opportunities to invite me places, spend time with me...blah blah blah...but he hasn't.

This evening I had a few beers with my artist buddy David (he's the dude who's in his late 50's), and we talked about life and relationships. I then got back to the studios and Josh was there. I chatted with him a bit and discovered more about him, and perhaps why he is not into me...This conversation took place in his studio, and as I had a few beers in me I mustered up the courage to talk to him a bit more than I had in recent memory...

He said he would leave right now if he could, and he was merely waiting on his lease. He also commented more on people in out city not really having any dreams, and partying too much. I find this odd personally, as he drinks quite a bit, and one of his good friends is becoming an anesthesiologist...anyway, I think basically he is trying to get away from the party scene to improve his life...maybe he thinks I am a partier??? I drink some with friends, but I don't go to bars alone or anything...As my friend David said, Josh is hard on people. Even Josh has said this...his expectations are very high. I am the opposite. I am hard on myself, but quite lenient with others.

Josh even commented on how he grouped me in with those types who don't know what they want to do. That hurt a bit. I do know what I want to do, but don't have the confidence he has. He asked me if I had decided what I wanted to do, and I told him I want to be an artist. I also commented I am extremely practical, and know I need to do something in addition to this. He said he didn't understand the lack of confidence thing, and couldn't relate to it. I told him I was picked on a lot as a teenager and never really fit it-- that was probably a big part of it. I also said I had to "de-program" my brain in this city, and get away from the beliefs that were instilled in me by my family. I was raised in such a way where I thought I had to have a masters degree or Phd or something to be acceptable-- to be some type of white collar person...I basically said I am slowly coming into my own.

Another interesting thing he said was that his former girlfriend was SO postitive, about everything she did-- and that really drew him to her. I can't remember what I said before this, but he said this about his ex in response to what I said...it was almost like another way of shooting me down-- I am too negative about myself..He also commented that the dating pool here is small and he doesn't like to date other artists because he doesn't like to date people like himself. What the hell is that supposed to mean??? Other than the fact that he just is not that into me...

Then Sam popped in and we all chatted for a while. Josh said he was going to some person's house for a few beers, and Sam knew these people too. He invited Sam to stop by, but not me. And there is the final nail in the coffin...

Alone...

I am temporarily writing about my lack of love life on this blog, as my other one is on hiatus....

Nothing is going on. Josh is in town for a week "relaxing" as his new lease in his new city does not start until June 1. I haven't really gotten much more than a "hello" when he pops up into the studios, and then he disappears. I think he leaves permanently on Sunday. (but he'll be back every couple of months to drop off paintings at the gallery he shows at here)...Today he was golfing with his friends apparently. I spoke to my ex boyfriend Greg today, who lives across the country. He explained to me that if Josh had any interest in me he would make an effort to spend time with me. He has not....My other friend from the same city as Greg, who I will call "Hannah", seems to think he is just focusing on moving and does not want to hurt me...whatever...either way I will have to deal....

FUCK!!!!! Josh is so my type... ;(...He is funny, crass, confident, athletic...a bit of a bad boy, but really a good boy...and he has broad shoulders...anda tatoo.... :) ...oh well...

Alex is apparently trying to sublet his studio-- perhaps his philandering ways caught up with him...Sam said Alex was trying to get rid of his studio because he's not making enough money there...DUH!!!! That's because he's NEVER there...how can you sell shit if you are not there? he was gone for 2 ENTIRE months, and after than he shows up like once a week...That is his karma...he fucked over and hurt multiple women, avoided the studios, and as a result is not making any money there. I hope he enjoys his life...living off his school teacher common law wife and looking at internet porn on a daily basis...luckily the flirting with Josh helped me get over that asshole....

So this leaves me in an interesting position. The dude I fucked and was mega into is leaving the studios...the guy I was REALLY into and made out with is moving to another city...and the guy who was kind of my fuck buddy is the guy who I will soon be rooming with!!! :D ...geez...my life is rather surreal/bizarre...

I Have Temporarily Put my Other Blog on Private Status...

I have no idea who that person is who started following my other blog. Since I susupected it was someone in the same city I blocked the user. The person then signed up as a follower of my blog again. Shit! So I temporarily set it up so that only I can read it...I think...I'm not very good with the formatting crap. I might make a copy of the whole blog for my own archives, and then delete it, and start over. I hope I don't have to resort to that though. There has got to be an easier way...

I Fear I Have Been Discovered...

I really hope not. I like being anonymous and writing is therapeutic for me. I had a new follower on my other blog, that had a naughty link on it. The link itself was naughty (to each his own, but not my thing), but the BAD part was that the web page link mentioned my city. You know..."find sexy blah blah blah in (your city). Does this person know where and who I am? It fucking freaked me out! :O ....I worry that this person maybe in my city. This city is cool enough to attract tourists, but small enough where everyone in the art scene knows everyone else. FUCK!
I really don't want to have to delete my other blog. I'll have to feel this one out a bit. I the mean time...I'm nervous...

Umm...

Why do I always fall for men I can't have?

Exhibit A: boyfriend #1...much older and never wanted to marry...we are still
friends, he is very supportive of me emotionally
Exhibit 2: alcoholic with no interest in sex.....but he really is a good friend
exhibit 3: really hot artist dude who is in a long term relatioship with someone
else...mental/emotional connection...hot sex...he won't talk to me
anymore...probably because he fears I will mess up his "safe" situation
exhibit 4: hot art dude who is kind of a jock and is moving away soon...(within
days)...we have similar boisterous personaltities

Do I seek out situations in which I am doomed to fail??? Or maybe I just like a challenge???? I hope something will work out eventually....

I am Overwhelmingly Frustrated with my Current Situation...

I am not sure what to do at this point. I feel as though I am at a crossroads. I always feel this way though...Seriously, there is a reason why this blog is called "What's Wrong With Me."...

According to the psychiatrist I saw at the free clinic, what's wrong with me is that I have re-occurring major drepssion, generalized anxiety disorder, and bulimia. In the past I had more labels as well....I fucking hate labels, so I'm glad I dont' have as many as I used to...anyhoo...

I feel restless. I can't concentrate. I can't get anything done. I am too busy obsessing about my love life-- or lack there of, or what I should REALLY be doing with my life. I love the "idea" of being an artist, but I am a very practical person, and desire a steady paycheck. Alas, with a bachelor's degree in fine art, I'm not sure what my other options are-- other than retail...and I fucking hate retail...I am too introverted to be sales person...I hope I get me disability benefits back. I'm not as fucked up as when I got them the first time, but I'm still fucked up, so there is hope.

I don't intend it to be a permanent solution though. I want to be a productive person and do something with myself. I think it would help me though for now, as I am struggling in various ways....I am not really functioning like a normal person to tell you the truth. I can balance my budget, and make a sandwhich, but that's about it...

Maybe someday when I am more stable I will go back to school for another degree. I'm just not sure for what exactly. I have a passion for medical science, but I suck at science. I absolutely love animals, but again, I suck at science....maybe I should be an accountant...I'm good at math...or at least I used to be...

What Movie is Your Life?

This is a quiz I took on Facebook :) I love this answer-- The movie that is my life is "The Dukes Of Hazzard" in certain ways it totally fits me, in other ways not. I will say, I'm a down to earth gal who loves an adventure. I would like to think I am not a redneck though...not that there's anything wrong with that necessarily. I would rather hang out with a redneck than an intellectual snob who looks down his/her nose at anyone who is not familiar with Plato and Aristotle...

I used to watch this show when I was a kid too--sweet!!!

Yesterday:

The Good Things (Karma):
1) I volunteered agan
2) I didn't flirt with Sam, and I refuse to seduce him (Kim is too nice of a person)
3) I gave the artist across the way from me half of my sub sandwhich because he was
hungry. (It was the least I could do, he has listed to me complain about Alex for
the last 6 months-- and he sold one of my little prints)...
4) Kim asked me if I wanted to grab a bite with her and Sam and I declined

The Bad Things:
1) Had pissed off angry thoughts about Alex and how he will never talk to me again
2) Was jealous of Sam and Kim's relationship, even though Sam is not my type-- they
are good together...
3) Kim said she owes their relationship to me (because I nudged them along)...that
made me feel a little guilty because she doesn't know how recently I slept with
him
4) pissed at Sam because he had sex with me a few times, but never took me "out" or
called...he calls Kim and takes her "out"...
5) as a result of all of the above, drank too much wine last night
6) feeling sorry for myself again...

Update on Project "Improve Myself"...

I have avoided flirting with Sam...I know Kim really likes him...I have spent at least 6 hours at my art studio the past 2 days-- I have not been a slacker...And I earned about $130 in the last 2 days..for most people this is peanuts, but for me this is a lot...(these were mostly little prints :)...

I have also made an effort to be happy...I've been talking to the tourists and really (genuinely) enjoying it...Like today, this family came in-- 2 parents and 3 kids. I loved talking to them, enterainted the kids a bit, enjoyed their company. (and they bout 3 prints)!!!!! I wasn't being fake either...

It reminds me of a theory I heard once-- if you smile, it might actually make you happy...like some kind of chemistry changes in your brain or something...Anyway, the mom was so happy she insisted on getting a picture of me with her 3 kids and their prints :)-- it was so cute!!!

I was going to go and volunteer tomorrow, but I fear I won't get up in time-- now I feel guilty..(luckily, it's one of those things where you just show up..you don't have to make an appointment)...

I started project "Improve Myself" Yesterday :)

I did go and do some volunteering in the AM, and in the afternoon I behaved myself. This basically means I didn't get overly flirtatious with Sam up at the studios, as my friend Kim likes him. The only really BAD thing I did yesterday was that I let my ex-boyfriend buy me stuff...I do feel a little guilty about letting him buy me lunch and renting us movies, as I know I can never get back together with him. I do like having him as a friend though. Life is confusing...I am trying to balance my karma, and make sure that it is good karma...the karma of lately seems to have been bad...

I don't like the person I have become...

I have been experiencing a lot of introspection lately, and I have done some really shitty things in my life-- particularly in the last year. I have become a woman who cheated on her boyfriend, can't get over the guy she cheated with (and can't have), a woman who slept with a guy one of her friends likes, and a woman who is not employed...

Funny thing is, I'm not one to judge others-- to each his own, you know? I just don't like that this has become my life. I used to be sweet, innocent and kinda smart....I think I liked myself better when I treated people with honesty. I will be this person again. I have decided to start by volunteering...(and not fucking other woman's husbands)...unless of course it's Alex, than I would have trouble resisting..(I'm horrible)...though I still don't think he will ever talk to me again...

I Finally am Getting My Hearing...

For my disability case...For anyone who is not farmiliar with me-- I am a fucked up artist who makes no money. I actually used to be on disability when I was in my early to mid 20's because of my depression/anxiety/bulima...etc...and other assorted issues. I had to be in an eating disorder clinic a couple of times, and also had to hae a blood transfusion once because I was severly anemic....anyway, the long and short of it is I went of disability in my mid twenties because I wanted to try and be "normal."

It didn't work. I pretty much had problems at most of the many jobs I have had since then, as a result of my "problems." For instance, my last full time job I had a couple of panic attacks, started crying, and was subsequently fired. (although a few months after the fact)...then last summer I lost another job because I have trouble concentrating and keep making stupid mistakes...

So I reapplied for disability and got rejected. They said they took my age and education level into consideration. (I only have a bachelor's degree-- and it's useless)!!!-- fine art...Anyway, they also said they found no evidence that I have ever had a disability...Uh...I used to be on disability....dumbasses...there are obviously missing records.

So I got a lawyer, and my hearing is in mid-May. Then at least I can figure out where to proceed from here...It's been 2 years already!!!

The Panic of Aging...

I have nothing against aging persay-- it is unavoidable. What freaks me out is that I am at an age where I feel very "behind" my peers. Almost delayed perhaps-- and I feel like it's too late to catch up. I am referring to a lack of career and any basic job skills of course. So much has changed since I was in college-- it's all technology now, I feel to intimidated and too old to go back. I know it's not a competition, and I don't look at it as so. I just don't like feeling like a loser. Do I really want my Dad paying my rent when I am 40? What happened to my life??? I am thankful for the help of course, don't get me wrong.

Every year that goes by I feel I have wasted-- another year of schooling, etc..gone by.

The Passion

I need to write about this. Seriously-- before I forget. 4 months have lapsed now since my last interaction with Alex. I deleted all my other posts about our interations (because I'm fucking stupid), so lets see what I can remember of our little love affair....

I first met him in January of 2008. I was up at the studios "exploring"-- I wondered who got the open studio-- it was him. (I was on the waiting list)...I remember the first time I met him. He was sitting on his little swivel chair and talking to me. He was so calm and confident-- overwhelmingly attractive. For some reason I thought he was a couple of years older than me. Perhaps it was his calm, cool demeanor. Turns out he's 2 months younger than me. We are both currently 31...It was a brief innocent chat, but I felt at ease. I remember this. And I remember he was attractive.

I moved into the next open studio in March of 2008. Over the next couple of months I chatted with him on and off. I remember he and Same came over to see my studio and Sam introduced him as some odd sounding name. It was interesting they both came over to check out my studio at the same time-- like they were taking a field trip or something....(spring 2008). Some time over the spring I developed a crush on Alex. I know we talked, but I can't remember about what. I recall looking for him out in the courtyard, it made me happy and excited...we had a "vibe"..

Sometime in the early summer I belive, I came to the conclusion Alex was a player. I saw him with Sam's skinny little horsefaced art assistant. They were walking up the stairs together and she had this "look" on her face. (and of course she's 7 years younger than me, and also taller and skinnier-- in terms of proportion anyway)...Happy/enthralled/in love-- you know that look...I ignored him for a while. I should have stuck with that instinct. Eventually he came to me...we started talking/flirting again...She disappeared... Perhaps Alex was bored in her absense, or fucking her in private-- I really have no idea.

Fall 2009. One of the most passionate, and most stupid times in my life. We flirted intensely. Perhaps (in retrospect), it was a result of the absense of the horseface). I did not know that at the time of course...He had a way of looking at me as if I was naked. He asked me very personal questions, but not in a "pervey" way. He asked me about my life, my struggles, my pain. He got into my head, he got into my heart. It's almost as if he had a book of "gaining a women's trust and love so you can get into her pants"...I felt oddly close to him. And it's hard for me to feel this with anyone.

I remember one of the first overtly sexual flirtations. I was making some kind of odd joke about how I was really born a man, but my thinie had been burned off in a freak circumsision accident...He said "really, can I see?"....and he meant it...he said it in this calm, serious...I want to look at your genitals kind of way...I think this was when the flirting got heavier...I think this was August??? Maybe early Sept???

More flirting, more intense personal conversations....He made some type of sexual comment (referring to us). I belive this must have been in Sept. I said something to the effect of-- "well, you'll have to use a condom, because I'm not on Birth control." This was when things became sort of serious...He later said he knew this was when it might actually happen.

I'll save the rest for another post...long story...I think I will put this on my other blog too...

I should be happy today...

I sold a painting today! Granted, it was a "little" painting, but it was grocery money. And then I sold 2 little prints. I felt great for a brief period of time. Until the end of the night, when it was just Alex and I. I thought he would come and talk to me, as we were alone in the building. He did not. I don't know if he realized I was alone, but he probably did.

Why the hell can I not get over him???? these are the reasons I can think of:

1) he actually made me belive he cared about me-- perhaps to get into my pants.
(It worked asshole)...

2) wow...amazingly gorgeous dude...tall, "sinewy," bedroom eyes...

3) he always had that way of looking at me as though I was naked

4) I really enjoyed it when we were both naked, and you know-- doing stuff...it was
probably the most passionate foreplay of my life, and the best sex...

5) we were very good friends, I miss our conversations

6) I often want what I can't have....

7) He intrigues more than most men I have ever met...

8) refer to 1 through 7

OMG!!!! I want to forget, but I dont' want to forget. The memories fade a little, but I have these little fleeting memories of our times together. I wish I wouldn't have deleted all the juicy posts on my other blog...shit...oh yeah, if you did not know-- here is a link to my other blog:

http://mylovelifesucksass.blogspot.com/

I Think I am Ready to Let go of my Ex...

For real, actually. I have been reluctant to remove my alcohohlic ex-boyfriend from my life, as I have often felt I don't really have much of a "support system" here so to speak. (I am a long way from home). Anyway, at this point perhaps I have enough friends where I will be "OK." I am broke and don't have a job, but not as scared as I was a few months ago. I am simplifying my life. I am eating sandwhiches instead of going out to buy a burger. I am probably going to move in with one of my artist friends when my lease is up in 2 months.

I can't deal with the drama anymore. My ex called me in the middle of the night, saying he was drunk and he wanted me to come over. I can't do that anymore. I'm not going to do that anymore.

I'm Starting to Look my Age...

And it's really pissing me off!!!! Ok, I still get people thinking I'm in my twenties, and I'm in my early 30's. But something has shifted in the last 2 years. Basically I have more lines, and deeper lines. And also quite a bit of gray in my temples. I think that is either from stress or tequila. (Although I cut down on the alcohol because it was making me chubby). Anyway, I'm not liking my appearance these days, and really don't want to resort to botox. I don't think I can afford botox anyway...

I realize perhaps I am focusing on my aging, because other aspects of my life are not going well. (ie: broke, no career, and no boyfriend)...I need something to feel good about...I hope I sell a large original painting soon..

Alex was at the studios today

And he ignored me. In fact, he left within a few minutes of my arrival there. Fucking asshole. How can you be sexually involved with someone on an ongoing basis, and just blow them off...MOTHERFUCKER!!!!!

yeah, he had one "Normal" conversation with me 2 months ago before I went on vacation. Said he'd take me for a burger or something when I got back so we could talk. 2 MONTHS AGO!!!!! What a fucking prick!!!! Karma comes around for sure. I know-- this is one of the worst fucking deprssions I have experienced in my life (the last few months). I'm sure it will come back to him as well.

Perhaps I am the Problem...

For a large portion of my life I thought everyone else was the problem. A common thought, correct?

But how could the whole world, with over 5 billion people be in the wrong, and I be in the right? (sorry if this was not stated in proper English by the way)...granted this is a broad generalization-- but you know what I mean.

I lost my childhood friends. Maybe it wasn't cause they were snobby, maybe it was because I was hyper and obnoxious. The boys in college didn't take interest in me-- maybe it wasn't because they were arrogant-- maybe it was cause I dressed like a little tomboy and had no self esteem. I had problems at most crappy paying jobs I've had since college-- maybe the people weren't all totatlly stupid/inept (though some definitely were to some degree)-- maybe it was because I was an arrogant little shit who thought I was better than the job. (A degree from a good university doesn't mean shit I have discovered if it's just in art and you have no job skills)...

Basically, I am over myself. I have realized I had an ego, and perhaps I shouldn't have. I am a little fish in a huge pond now. Insted of a medium sized fish in a little one...ya know...but how do I put this realization to use?

I haven't figured that out totally, except I am slightly more humbled perhaps. Still feeling sorry for myself, but humbled nonetheless...

Kiss Rocker Transitions into Painting

http://news.yahoo.com/nphotos/Kiss-rocker-transitions-painter/ss/events/en/031609paulstanleyart

I could say so much, but I will refrain...no wait, I won't-- I have nothing to lose...If some average fuckhead off the street did this is would be ignored...

I'm not saying he sucks, cause he doesn't, I'm just saying, I've seen just as good, as some better, but not recognized...

I fucking hate my life...(and I'm not just talking about me-- I'm talking about society)

I am Not a Career Woman

I realize this may be a taboo thing to say after everything the woman's movement has done and all...(and it has done a lot of good things-- equal opportunities and equal pay is a good thing)!!!...but I really don't have a burning desire to be a successful career woman. In fact, I would rather be a housewife/artist.

I feel guilty admitting this, but it is true. And it's not because I am lazy-- in fact, I prefer to be busy. But the whole, be a Dr., be a lawer, be a teacher...I don't fit into those worlds. In fact, most jobs I have ever had have stressed me out to no ends...and these were low paying hourly jobs.

I wasn't cut out to be a career woman. Given I am single this is a bit of a problem. I'm not going to marry any asshole off the street though. I guess I am just destined to be really fucking poor, because the "mega career" thing stresses me out.

What's wrong with wanting to be a housewife? I don't see why that has to be taboo...Oh wait...there is all that pressure from my family to have a fucking career...

Exhibit A: Report Card from 12th Grade...

This is one of the reasons my Dad gets kind of pissed at me. He says he doesn't understand how someone could do so well in school, yet not be able to do something with one's life. (ie: go to graduate school, and or get or hold a job)-- bear in mind I've mostly worked in coffee shops since graduating college, for a mere $7.50 an hour....(and actually I wish I still had one of those jobs-- currently unemployed)...

Anyway, what he does not understand, is that I have severe anxiety, (social and general), bulimia, as well as severe depression, a hairpulling problem which leaves me looking rather "odd," and also a dose of paranoia...not schizo paranoia, but paranoid that I suck and will lose my job. (and this HAS happened before)...

What I am trying to say here, is that academic success at a young age does not mean one will be successful in life. You need to take into consideration emotional IQ-- which is something I lack. (perhaps there is a reason my ex refers to me as "short bus")-- sorry, very un-PC, but you know what I mean.

The Only Bright Spot of 2001/2002...

This was the worst fucking year of my life. Even worse than this year believe it or not. That year, I was in a car accident that changed my life-- it: fucked me up-- I used to be athletic and could not longer run. I also was puking about 10 times per day-- seriously....As a person with an eating disorder, not being able to run anymore really messed me up-- much more puking. I wasn't working, and also wound up in an eating disorder clinic, as I was still "fairly" young, and my father was able to help pay for it. ( If I recall, he just retired that year, and was not as tight on cash as he is now)...I tried to kill myself 4 times that year-- BAD year. I have not tried since. I realized after the last one, I did not want to die. I just didn't want to feel that way anymore, I wanted a better life. I don't have the better life yet, and may never have it. But it least it is not as bad as it was then. This movie, The Royal Tennenbaums, was the only thing from that year I can recall enjoying. I saw this movie on an "outing" when I was at the residential eating disorder clinic...I laughed, it made me happy. This was the only time I recall being happy that year.

Kinda Freaking Out...

About money, the future, my lack of job skills, the economy...etc...

To update those who have never read my blog before-- I am kinda fucked up and have a pending disability case. I used to be on disabiltiy in my early 20's for depression, bulimia, anxiety, and OCD. I wanted to be "normal" so I went of disability for a job that paid $10 per hour-- REAL fucking smart...but what do you know when you are 26?

So I jumped around from job to job, because of my "problems" and ending up getting fired at age 29 by the white trash queen of the century. (seriously-- teenage pregnancy, horrible grammar, leopard underwear that stuck out when she bent over, fancy hair, but missing teeth in the back...)

After this experience I filed for disability and moved across the country with my alcoholic ex-boyfriend. Oddly enough, even though I used to be on disabilty, I kind of "fell through the cracks" and was unable to get back on...I reapplied and was denied. It is now in the court systems and I won't know for like another 9 months probably...I'm kinda freaking out.

I have way too many problems to hold full time employment. My outlook is not good. Not sure what I am gonna do once I am 50 with no one to help. I would much prefer to be self- sufficient, but I havent' been able to pull it off in my entire life. I wil most likely end up dead on the street...not good...

Quite Possibly the Best Movie Ever!!!

I present to you...Little Miss Sunshine. Seriously, this movie is in my top 5. There is something about it-- the characters. They are so quirky and intelligent, and also so damaged. They don't give up though, they preservere. The people in this movie remind me of people I know, and other people I would like to know further. I've always enjoyed people who weren't quite perfect, people who were a bit "off" so to speak. This movie makes me happy. It makes me feel like it's OK not to be perfect.

Re-Assessing Survival/Life Goals...

The last 3 months have fucking sucked ass. My ex boyfriend the alcholic almost made me homeless. (Long story)...The guy I fell in love with (and was stupid enough to cheat with) started ignoring me as a result (and was fucking yet another girl, other than me or his wife)....and I have no fucking income to speak of...my 63 year old father is paying my rent...and at my age, I know how pathetic that is...

I need to find a way to be self sufficent. Even if it means earning $7 per hour and living in a fucking trailor park. I hate my life. I don't hate men, but hate the men who have been involved in my life recently. I can't rely on them. I can only rely on myself. The scary part or course, is I have no job skills, other than the ability to draw a pretty picture-- not that that ever got me anywhere...

I am alone adn need to except that. I really wanted to get married someday, and maybe have a kid. I don't think that can/will happen though. I have maye 10 years left at best, or I'll have one of those "Palin babies"-- if you know what I mean...not to be un-PC, but seriously, a woman only has so long...

I need to change my life, but I don't know how. I've always been a sqaure peg trying to fit into a round hole. These are not good odds...

Just When I Think I am Breaking Out of My Most Recent Depression...

I'm not...

The last 3 months have been bad. Like one of the worst depressions I have ever been in. I do have moments though when I think I am going to pull out of it. For instance, I recently started working on an oil painting, I got in the groove, and was feeling pretty good for 2 days.

But then the next day I started obsessing about the same old stuff again-- mainly, what's going to happen to me in 10-20 years. I worry I will not get disability back, and also that I will never be able to hold a decent paying job, as I lack job skills. I worry I will be homeless and die on the steets. Sounds bizarre right? These are the things I seriously think about. I think I have some kind of OCD thing going on, in addition to severe anxiety.

I prefer depression to anxiety though, anxiety is the worst. Especially social anxiety-- it always made any workplace situation difficult for me. I either don't say enough, or I say too much. I can't stand up for myself until I get so pissed off that I say something stupid. I'm too old to be this way, and am trying to improve on my social anxiety issues. All my anxiety issues really. Not much luck though.

I think I need to move across the country again. I know you can't run away from your problems, but I am not liking where I am living. The crime rate is bad and the climate does not agree with me. There's also not many jobs here (is there anywhere though)?

Back Home and Starting Over...Kinda

So here's what's going on-- the basics. My ex alcoholic boyfriend, who I refer to as "Bryan," is still living at the rooming house and not causing me any drama/problems. We speak on a daily basis (as he appears to be sober), and we occasionally hang out. We're not "together" though. Not that I should talk bout the drinking though, I am very fond of the "sauce".... but I do get up and function every day though...

"Alex," the guy I had the affair with, because "Bryan" has no interest in sex, is still completely absent from the art studios. (And just WHY did he apologize to me before I left for vacation, and say he wanted to take me out for a burger)??????--this after ignoring me for 2 months....asshole.

So I am single, broke, and romantically alone. It's nice that I am not as stressed out as I was though. I miss Alex. I hate to admit it, but I do. I think he probably has a bunch of girls he is screwing around with though-- like the horseface chic. Damn that asshole. I hate that he has this power over me. He knows I am back. I have been back for almost 2 weeks, but he hasn't shown his face. When he does I should spit in it. I'm too polite though I guess.

This Song Hits the Spot

Has anyone out there heard this song, or seen the movie, "Garden State?"...Seriously, it kills me every time... :)

According to my ex boyfriend, I like this movie because, "you're just like that girl"!!!! Maybe a little...I maintain though, I am much more like Juno, from said title...I really enjoy the interpersonal dynamic between Zach whats-his-face and Natalie Portman...and the fact that I was once rather cute/odd/innocent like that Natalie character...I think I have developed a Zach crush as well...I like that these characaters are wierd/odd/cute and slightly imperfect. If I see one more perfect fucking hollywood person I am gonna barf, seriously...

Anyway, I though I would share this video, as it is one of my favorites as of late :) It's a feel good kind of video...for those of us who are kinda impatient, fast forward the video to one minute and 15 seconds for the chorus :)

So I am Staying Out of Town...(with my ex, ex boyfriend)

I changed my plane ticket to stay out of town a week longer. It cost me $150-- ouch! I probably should not have done this, as I have no income...I just felt I needed to though. I need one more week away from the chaos with my ex, and the "alex" thing.

Perhaps this will let my ex know he really can't count on me for money. He needs to ask his rich parents. (and they are rich-- they have a "lake home" for Christ's sake, in addition to their normal gigantic home, and their designer pure bred dogs, and all their big cars and fancy gagets)...anyway....

I am currently staying with my ex, ex boyfriend, with whom I am still good friends. I will refer to him as "Greg.". Greg and I were together for 4 years on and off, before I was with my most recent ex. Greg and I basically broke it off because he's not the settling down type...he's a bit older than me too.

We are good friends though, and we always will be...as far as I know. He's like the only person I can always count on. I feel "safe" here....however, there are no opportunities in the arts in this city. Or I should say, there are very LIMITED opportunities here. It's not a tourist town, or a big city. I don't know where I'll end up ultimately. Probably back here in another year or two.

Maybe I Should Stay out of Town a Little Longer...

I am nervous about going back home. I spoke with my ex yesterday afternoon, and I found out he had not yet contacted his mother for his rent money yet. His weekly rent is due on Friday/Saturday. He then said, "you're coming back on Saturday aren't you"? I informed him he better call his mom for money, because I'm not just going to show up on Saturday and pay his rent for him. What the fuck is his problem? His parents are loaded (seriously, they are)...and I am living off my savings account.

If I am not in the same state as he is, then how can he harass me for money? Other than potentially harassing my neighbors, and causing me more problems on the home front. I don't know what I will do yet. I don't know how to go about changing my plane ticket.

My Ex is Finally out of my Apartment

As far as I know...I am out of town right now-- in another state actually. The day before I left, I wrote a check for a week's rent at this rooming house, and got the keys back from my ex. He took most of his clothes there, and a few other things.

Luckily my asshole neighbor did not say anything to me in the last couple of days that I was there. The situation generally makes me paranoid though, as he is the building busy-body. He actually got a couple of ladies kicked off the condo board-- anyway, that's what I am dealing with.

So when I go back home, it should be peaceful. Should be...unless my ex starts harassing me for money for his rent. I hope not, as i have no income and am living off my savings account.

I do think there is "hope" though, you know? At least I kind of have him out of the apartment. His furniture is still there, but I had him sign a statement saying he left it there of his own accord, and I did not steal it. With a nut job like him, taking such precautions is necessary...

2 Months of Shit...

And you know I am not referring to the substance that comes out of your ass. I am referring to all the drama with my drunk, unemployed ex-boyfriend. He is still in my apartment, and of course, still drunk and unemployed. It is not good. He needs to go.

The situation has caused me to age a lot, even in just 2 months. I am getting a lot of gray hair in my temples, and I am only in my early 30's. What the hell is up with that?...Must be stress. Basically I am dealing with an irritable asshole, and we have had a lot of fights as a result. He tells me all these stories, like "I'm starting my job on Tuesday," or my parents are sending my this check for $2,000 so I can take that apartment>"....and of course they all turn out to be lies. (FUCK HEAD)...

To top it off a neighbor knocked on the door 2 nights ago and informed us we were about to loose our apartment. He is the building busy body. I was really freaked out at the time, and explained the situation briefly, and said my boyfriend would be moving soon. I ran into the busy body the next day, and he said he "had to talk to" me about the situation. He also said he was calling my landlord. (said that the night before). To appease the situation I put a note under the neighbors door, telling him there would be no more loud arguments, and that my ex is leaving soon). It really fucking pisses me off how nosy he is though. You dont' like yelling, fine. so be it. whatever. You talked to me once, I'm not talking about the details with you, let alone talk to you about it over and over-- your'e not my landlord!!! (sorry-tangent)-- this guy is a total pill though. There are at least a handful of people in the building who don't like him (myself now included)

So anyway, I may be homeless if the asshole doens't leave. And of course he will only leave if I pay for it. (FUCKER)...long story.