Where I'm at

I'm trying to focus on me right now. For the last couple of years since my ex-fiance and I broke up I have been desperately trying to please and/or find another man. This has not served me well. In fact, it has distracted me, and prevented me from fully functioning and reaching my desired goals...It has led me down a self destructive path of self loathing, partying, and depression...fuck that. It's time for me now.

So here's what I'm doing:

1) going back to school this summer...I'm going to try and get a second bachelor's degree in nursing (the first one was in art 10 years ago)...I was accepted at a local college as a post-bac pre-nursing major...just gotta take 6 more classed, do well in them, and then I'm in the program...

2) trying not to let my problems hold me back. I have a disability (depression, anxiety, bulimia, and hairpulling)...but maybe if I was self sufficient it would be good for my self esteem, and these problems would lessen...I am pretty damn sure there have been people with greater obstacles who have achieved more. Let them be an inspiration to me and others :)

3) trying to be ok with being alone. I need to focus on me now. I can't make anyone else happy if I am not ok with myself. If the man of my dreams walks into my life, I won't push him away, but i AM NOT ON THE HUNT. I need to try to improve me...too much wasted time the last few years on others...

4) leading a healthier lifestyle...I'm exercizing a lot, taking vitamins, and partying less...not hanging so much with my alcoholic ex is helping with this-- I've made new friends who are healthier for me

5) trying not to be such a perfectionist. Being ok is good enough. I just want to be content with moments of happiness...I don't have to be Picasso..I just want to be self sufficient, and perhaps have a hubby??? Later though, I understand :)

we will see how this all goes...

A New Sense of Chill...

I feel slightly calm for the first time since high school...so that would be like 15 years...I can contribute this to a few factors:

1) accepting that I'm pretty much on my own...gotta figure shit out (single for the
first time in a decade-- it's forcing me to grow a pair)...
2) got disability back...a very small amount of money, but at least I can pay rent, I
sometimes feel badly/guilty about this, but I know I can't hold a job (based on my
issues)...I don't want it to be this way forever, but I am thankful for what I have
now...
3) accepted that I am who I am, I am where I am, am not perfect..but trying to improve
4) I am a "late bloomer"...I've had problems, a lot of help, but I hope for a better
future...I'm not giving up, nor am I a lost cause...
5) we all have our own path
6) If you try to be what you love, you will attract what you love...I am trying to
follow my bliss...life isn't perfect, but it's improving :)

I have had a weird couple of years...broke up with the ex-fiance, (due to our various problems), had a few unrequited romances...other assorted problems...and then I realized I wasn't being my authentic self. I need to focus on improving my life and being happy. Being true to myself, even if that doesn't please the masses. I think I will be OK in the end.