Where I'm at

I'm trying to focus on me right now. For the last couple of years since my ex-fiance and I broke up I have been desperately trying to please and/or find another man. This has not served me well. In fact, it has distracted me, and prevented me from fully functioning and reaching my desired goals...It has led me down a self destructive path of self loathing, partying, and depression...fuck that. It's time for me now.

So here's what I'm doing:

1) going back to school this summer...I'm going to try and get a second bachelor's degree in nursing (the first one was in art 10 years ago)...I was accepted at a local college as a post-bac pre-nursing major...just gotta take 6 more classed, do well in them, and then I'm in the program...

2) trying not to let my problems hold me back. I have a disability (depression, anxiety, bulimia, and hairpulling)...but maybe if I was self sufficient it would be good for my self esteem, and these problems would lessen...I am pretty damn sure there have been people with greater obstacles who have achieved more. Let them be an inspiration to me and others :)

3) trying to be ok with being alone. I need to focus on me now. I can't make anyone else happy if I am not ok with myself. If the man of my dreams walks into my life, I won't push him away, but i AM NOT ON THE HUNT. I need to try to improve me...too much wasted time the last few years on others...

4) leading a healthier lifestyle...I'm exercizing a lot, taking vitamins, and partying less...not hanging so much with my alcoholic ex is helping with this-- I've made new friends who are healthier for me

5) trying not to be such a perfectionist. Being ok is good enough. I just want to be content with moments of happiness...I don't have to be Picasso..I just want to be self sufficient, and perhaps have a hubby??? Later though, I understand :)

we will see how this all goes...

A New Sense of Chill...

I feel slightly calm for the first time since high school...so that would be like 15 years...I can contribute this to a few factors:

1) accepting that I'm pretty much on my own...gotta figure shit out (single for the
first time in a decade-- it's forcing me to grow a pair)...
2) got disability back...a very small amount of money, but at least I can pay rent, I
sometimes feel badly/guilty about this, but I know I can't hold a job (based on my
issues)...I don't want it to be this way forever, but I am thankful for what I have
now...
3) accepted that I am who I am, I am where I am, am not perfect..but trying to improve
4) I am a "late bloomer"...I've had problems, a lot of help, but I hope for a better
future...I'm not giving up, nor am I a lost cause...
5) we all have our own path
6) If you try to be what you love, you will attract what you love...I am trying to
follow my bliss...life isn't perfect, but it's improving :)

I have had a weird couple of years...broke up with the ex-fiance, (due to our various problems), had a few unrequited romances...other assorted problems...and then I realized I wasn't being my authentic self. I need to focus on improving my life and being happy. Being true to myself, even if that doesn't please the masses. I think I will be OK in the end.

Being Attractive By Being You...

This is a really cool post I read on another blog:

http://tobeme.wordpress.com/2009/08/28/being-attrative-by-being-you/#comment-15369

After reading this I couldnt help but aske myself, who the hell am I? I really don't feel attractive, though I recently started dating this hot air force guy within the last month. I have grown more and more insecure over the past week. After reading this post I wonder if it's because I am not being myself...so the question then is
WHO AM I???? Maybe if I figure it out and just be myself, I will feel better...However, I do find when I am being myself I am often ridiculted or critized, because part of being me is being hyper and vulger...Here's who I am...Who are you?

I am:

1) hyper and occassionally obnoxious...(surely someone out there may appreciate this, right)????

2) a romantic, although I am a tomboy

3) I swear like a sailor (bothers most people)

4) I am a good drawer, an OK painter

5) I love animals, especially dogs

6) I feel comfortable in comfortable loose fitting clothing...I don't like dressing seductively...I don't mind dressing "cute" though...

7) I am completely insecure...especially about my body and also my lack of career and money...

8) I want to grow old with a wonderful man and watch the sunset on the porch...with the dog of course...

9) I enjoy repetitive boring activities, and prefer not to deal with intense interpersonal situations with people I don't know...I have social anxiety problems...I should be an accountant...but I'm also scared of complicated computer programs and going back to school..

10) I fear life

IN SUMMARY: Being myself means accepting that I am insecure, and only deal with people who don't mind that I am a scrappy hyper tomboy who happens to swear a lot...no wonder I don't attract anyone...would this actually attract anyone???

I am in the dark place today...

No Word From Josh...

Granted, it's only been a few days, but still....I feel that my most recent email was a bit to rambling, and perhaps the straw that broke the camels back. If that is even really possible at this point)...I wonder if it was apparent I was totally bombed at the time I wrote it. He once said he doesn't want to date anyone too much like him. Josh drinks a lot. I drink a lot. He's been in rehab. I have not. Let's just say I like to get shitfaced, but I function. Josh reached a stage where he cut down on the hard stuff, and he now drinks a six pack every night. Once in a while he goes out and gets shit faced. He admits he has trouble once he goes for the hard stuff. Anyway, my point is that I fear he thinks I am a drunk. I hope he does not think that. I do like to drink, I won't deny that. I dont' think I've reaches the status yet though, of being a drunk. I suppose it doesn't matter anyway. He is gone. I miss him. Sam ran into one of his friends today while we were at the vet getting our dog fixed. Sam mentioned he would be going down to Josh's new city to visit. I wish I could come. I won't ask of course...I feel like an ass as it is. Anyway, I'm sure Sam will want me to watch the dog. Tonight Sam is trying to seduce "Asheley." They are currently in the backyard doing some kind of candle light thing...I'm glad I figured Sam out before I actually fell for him. That dude is fickle. One minute he was in love with Kim, and then it was back to Ashley...and then the Asian nurse, and now back to Ashely...this is why I try not to get involved with younger men...

Josh Called!!! :D

Now, I know I shouldn't get to excited because he's 10 hours away and all-- but still! :)....(oh yes, and then he did call the guy in the studio next to me about a half an hour after that)...but anyway, it made me really happy! :) I can dream, right?...

It was a pretty normal, basic conversation, though I will say I was really anxious, so I wouldn't say it was as smooth as it could have been. At the beginning I kept talking at the same time he did.. :O ...He basically called as a response to my email. (I think)...He said he got my email thanking him, and said "you're welcome." He also said he's not much of an email person. (good to know :)...He said he knew the piece he gave me wasn't the one I really wanted and I said, "no, I really like it!" ....

He told me about what he has been up to. He has been settling into his new place, set up his studio, and did a commission. He also found a park to walk his dog at. He says that's what wakes him up in the morning because he doesn't drink coffee. He also was able to paint again for the first time in about 3 weeks, and I commented that must have felt good :) I asked him if he would be staying in his new city forever and he said probably not, but he was really into it right now. I said that was how I felt about my current city, and eventually I want to end up in the Pacific Northwest where the "outdoorsy" people are...He said it sounds like it. (I have told him this before). He said he should probably go (get off the phone)...and eluded to something he had to do. I said if he ever felt like calling he could, if he wanted to do our old "suck it, lick it" routine. (We used to say this back and forth to one another :)...He said Ok, I'll talk to you soon :)

Did he mean it? Will he be talking to me soon???? Am I supposed to call him, or will he call me? What does this mean??? :O ...My friend David said it means I am on his "list." (ie: of friends)...maybe he just called to be polite in response to my email????

One of the new guys who are now sharing Josh's studio lease said that he thought Josh would be back in like a month to bring more paintings :)...this excites me...I shouldn't get to excited though...I think...

I Spoke With My Friend Beth on Facebook Tonight......

She is the one who is having a rapturous love affair with my artist friend David. (they share a studio)...I told her that Josh left me an original work of art. She seemed to think this was something special. She said she would not leave an original work of art for someone unless they meant something to her...

This made me very happy :) Granted, it was a quicker original for him-- (a drawing/painting) and he works quickly.....probably took him like an hour or two vs. 10-- but still!!! Beth's input made me happy. She is one of the two people in my city who know the "full" Josh story...

I really miss him. He is gone. I have not heard from him. This does not surprise me, but makes me sad. I only emailed him a day ago though, I have no idea whether or not he will ever email me back...or call me...in terms of calls I think I left the ball in his court....I have been listening to this song a lot the last few days...maybe it's because it makes a reference to Dali and his wife Gala???? I actually mostly enjoy the melody...I discovered just a day or two ago there is an artist reference--our song perhaps? I have no idea...I would love it if we could have a song though...'cause ya know I'm sappy like that! :)

And the Plot Thickens...

Wow...well maybe A LITTLE...Maybe I am just wishful thinking.

So I had not been up at my studio since the night Josh left, and as previously stated I didn't see him that one last time. I didn't want to humiliate myself..I popped up there today to bring some art stuff up from my apartment....and what did I find????

An original work of art by Josh. Yes, it is true... :D ....It wasn't one of his huge oil paintings or anything, but still-- wow! I wasn't expecting that at all-- totally caught me off guard. It is one of his abstract drawings of a man and a woman embracing. He wrote a tiny note on the back of one of his business cards, and taped it to the package. Here's what it said:

To Kelly

Sorry it's not the original
you wanted but it's an original
for you! Josh

Wow. This is very flattering. Maybe this means we can in the very least be friends or something? I want to call and thank him but I am nervous. I really should though...Perhaps I should show this to Sam and get his opinion on the matter. He knows Josh well, and also knows how I feel about him. As shitty as I have been feeling about the situation, this makes me feel a little better at least :)

It's Over, No Hope..

With Josh I mean. More than apparent. We had a little party for him up at the studios. I had plenty of liquor...Josh was jovial. At one point when I was pouring myself some more tequilla Sam said, "I caught ya!" Apparently I am getting a reputation as a partier...anyway...

At one point David said something like, "if a guy ever sings you this song, then you know he loves you'"...etc...I said no man has ever sung me a song, but my ex did buy me roses on occassion. I also said I knew I was probably going to be alone and that I will be a wierd old dog lady...Josh said, "With an attitude like that you will be!"...he's a happy guy and does not like pessimists..he hung out with us artists for a couple of hours, but didn't really look at me while he told his stories. Later I chatted with him alone briefly. I asked him about his earliest childhood memory and he said it was probably when he went to kindergarden...I recall he also said I should not be so hard on myself. Yeah...that's easy...then he left the party to go hang out with some other friends.

The Passion

I need to write about this. Seriously-- before I forget. 4 months have lapsed now since my last interaction with Alex. I deleted all my other posts about our interations (because I'm fucking stupid), so lets see what I can remember of our little love affair....

I first met him in January of 2008. I was up at the studios "exploring"-- I wondered who got the open studio-- it was him. (I was on the waiting list)...I remember the first time I met him. He was sitting on his little swivel chair and talking to me. He was so calm and confident-- overwhelmingly attractive. For some reason I thought he was a couple of years older than me. Perhaps it was his calm, cool demeanor. Turns out he's 2 months younger than me. We are both currently 31...It was a brief innocent chat, but I felt at ease. I remember this. And I remember he was attractive.

I moved into the next open studio in March of 2008. Over the next couple of months I chatted with him on and off. I remember he and Same came over to see my studio and Sam introduced him as some odd sounding name. It was interesting they both came over to check out my studio at the same time-- like they were taking a field trip or something....(spring 2008). Some time over the spring I developed a crush on Alex. I know we talked, but I can't remember about what. I recall looking for him out in the courtyard, it made me happy and excited...we had a "vibe"..

Sometime in the early summer I belive, I came to the conclusion Alex was a player. I saw him with Sam's skinny little horsefaced art assistant. They were walking up the stairs together and she had this "look" on her face. (and of course she's 7 years younger than me, and also taller and skinnier-- in terms of proportion anyway)...Happy/enthralled/in love-- you know that look...I ignored him for a while. I should have stuck with that instinct. Eventually he came to me...we started talking/flirting again...She disappeared... Perhaps Alex was bored in her absense, or fucking her in private-- I really have no idea.

Fall 2009. One of the most passionate, and most stupid times in my life. We flirted intensely. Perhaps (in retrospect), it was a result of the absense of the horseface). I did not know that at the time of course...He had a way of looking at me as if I was naked. He asked me very personal questions, but not in a "pervey" way. He asked me about my life, my struggles, my pain. He got into my head, he got into my heart. It's almost as if he had a book of "gaining a women's trust and love so you can get into her pants"...I felt oddly close to him. And it's hard for me to feel this with anyone.

I remember one of the first overtly sexual flirtations. I was making some kind of odd joke about how I was really born a man, but my thinie had been burned off in a freak circumsision accident...He said "really, can I see?"....and he meant it...he said it in this calm, serious...I want to look at your genitals kind of way...I think this was when the flirting got heavier...I think this was August??? Maybe early Sept???

More flirting, more intense personal conversations....He made some type of sexual comment (referring to us). I belive this must have been in Sept. I said something to the effect of-- "well, you'll have to use a condom, because I'm not on Birth control." This was when things became sort of serious...He later said he knew this was when it might actually happen.

I'll save the rest for another post...long story...I think I will put this on my other blog too...

This Song Hits the Spot

Has anyone out there heard this song, or seen the movie, "Garden State?"...Seriously, it kills me every time... :)

According to my ex boyfriend, I like this movie because, "you're just like that girl"!!!! Maybe a little...I maintain though, I am much more like Juno, from said title...I really enjoy the interpersonal dynamic between Zach whats-his-face and Natalie Portman...and the fact that I was once rather cute/odd/innocent like that Natalie character...I think I have developed a Zach crush as well...I like that these characaters are wierd/odd/cute and slightly imperfect. If I see one more perfect fucking hollywood person I am gonna barf, seriously...

Anyway, I though I would share this video, as it is one of my favorites as of late :) It's a feel good kind of video...for those of us who are kinda impatient, fast forward the video to one minute and 15 seconds for the chorus :)

I'm a Horrible Jealous Person...

I admit it. I am very jealous of many people. Especially people in happy relationships with good sex lives. I'm particularly jealous of people who have been married forever and can't imagine being with anyone else. I want that life...

I have never met the right person at the right time. I have however, maybe met the right person/s at the wrong time?...Take "Jeremy," the guy from college. I was too young and stupid to realize what a sweetheart he was. He liked me just how I was-- that's not easy to find, especially at age 19!...Then there is "Alex"-- our sexual chemistry is wonderful, and we have great conversation, but he is in a long term relationship that I doubt he will leave. He likes stability, and his girlfriend is stable...I'm just an unemployed, oversexed wierdo....

I would love to have that amazing relationship that combines great sex with great friendship and companionship....Sometimes I wonder if it will ever happen. I always fall for men I can't have...or men I can have, but then when I do want them...I can't have them....GGRR...

I love the idea of growing old with somebody. I hope this happens.

Facebook Tortures me...

yeah, it's so nice to see how far everyone has come, and all the grand things people are doing...

and for the record, I am in introvert and generally against such sights. I just joined because my boyfriend made me... :0

Anyway...I looked up "Jeremy" on facebook...if you recall...he was the one who "got away" back in college, is now married to a sucessful, intelligent woman, who somewhat resembles me physically...

And they have a beautiful daugher. I don't have access to all their info, but the wife used the daughter as an avatar. She is so lovely. I am happy for him. He deserves that...I know also, I could never have given him that stability or happiness, as i have so many fucking problems....I can't help be a little sad though...a little envious...for that "normal" life I most likely will never have...

Round Two...

I am very excited by this prospect....(yeah-- sex)!

After a week or two of wondering what the hell was going on...I now know...(kind of)????

He asked me what I was doing this week. And of course I said "nothing", because I have no life... I have not had sex with my boyfriend in 3 weeks-- and belive me-- I have tried... :( ...Dude, this fucking sucks...I am a woman in her early 30's, in a long term relationship, with no sex life...

I can't recall what he said exactly, somthing like "do you want to run away together" this week?...(uh-- YEAH!!!!!!)...

I need something desperatlely...and he is a lovely man :) ...

He's Still Ignoring Me, But on a Side Note...

A threesome?.....

I don't think I could go there. The idea is fascinating, but I am way too much of an introvert for such activities myself...At least I think I am????....

And yes, like the title suggests, "Alex" is stil ignoring me. I thought I would bring up a conversation we had a week or so ago, as I have nothing better to say at the moment. At one point he asked me about my "fantasies"...and being the boring girl I am of course, I don't really have any...Except maybe lighting some candles and lots of kissing and so on and so forth...(foreplay is a good thing)...anyway...

He asked me if I ever thought about being with "other women" or multiple people. I honestly answered, "not really"...unless it was me, him...and someone like Johhny Depp or something...(not that there is anything wrong with that other stuff-- to each his own, I'm just really boring and prefer penises to vaginas).....

This made me wonder-- is this further proof he is a "player"?...does he want me to be involved with himself and his "other" other woman-- if there are "other" women?...or me and his "real" woman?...I have no idea what this converations was about really. Interesting conversation though. The only thing I could gather from this entire interaction was that he might be interested in me wearing a little white t-shirt and nothing else....but then again he hasn't been talking to me much, so this could all mean absolutely nothing...

I'll keep ya posted...

Is He Fucking With My Head, or Does He Not Know What He Wants?

Men confuse the fuck out of me. Don't get me wrong though, I enjoy them nonetheless...

So "Alex" has now been talking to me less, and perhaps avoiding/and/or igoring me. And this all started after we uh...did stuff....

I wonder if he:

A) is dissatisfied with what I ...uh..do...
B) feels guilty because he is in a long term relationship
c) he is no longer attracted to me, becuase he always thought I was so sweet and innocent...(not anymore)!-- I guess I blew that one out of the water :)-- no pun intended :).... :O ... :)
D) doesn't know what the heck he wants
E) is worried I will ask him to leave his woman
F) something other than what I have mentioned

This is very confusing. And he does chat with other woman-- are there more than me? Does he want me to be jealous? I have no clue. This is all very exciting and wierd. Though I'd rather just cut the drama and mess around, but he seems to have lost interest...I hope I'm not a bad kisser...I will keep you updated in this strange dilemma

I think maybe he just likes the thrill of the chase?....

Oh yes...In honor of this romantic angst and confusion, I bring to you this song by Natalie Merchant. I love this song...It gets to the point...



I absolutely love it when this song is in about 2 minutes-- so if you are an impatient type, fast forward the song to about 2 minutes :)

I Should Just Fuck Him and Get it Over with....

Yeah...I need to do that..

Unfortunately I am a sex deprived chicken shit...Let's just say there has been kissing, there has been...uh...other stuff...but not "the deed"...I don't care if you think I am a whore. I am in my 30's, unmarried, and still in single digits in terms of sexual partners.

I need to talk about this. I hope no right wing,easily offended Christians are reading this. If you are-- turn back now or you will be offended :)...

I plan on having some mind blowing sex, and soon...I need some, I deserve some...this fellow...what should I call him?...I'll call him Alex....he is going to be quite good I would assume :)...He kissed me neck and it gave me tingles...He kissed my stomach and I almost puked...(in a good way of course)....

I'm in trouble :)