My last post should be evidence of that. Here I am in a "relationship," which I've had for a couple years, and I'm still thinking about the "one who got away."....I would like to say though, given that I haven't seen "Jeremy" in 10 years or so, that I don't know if I'd want to "be with him"...maybe I would, maybe I wouldn't....I don't know...It might just be that I've always wanted what I can't have. I've always wanted the unatainable...especially when it comes to relationships. Why? That's probably another blog post.
My mind has been consumed lately with the things I want, and the things I don't have. I've been quite depressed lately. My boyfriend senses this...though I don't know if he knows exactly what has been bothering me. I think if he knew I was thinking about men from my past it would upset him. I don't blame him. I would be upset if he was thinking about a girl he was friends with 10 years ago, and if he was jealous that the woman found someone that made her happy. ....Oh my god, I'm such a fucking freak....What the #@!# is wrong with me....
I don't know really why I can't be happy with what I have. I obsess about the lack of a career, the lack of a home, the lack of....whatever...things could be worse I know. My boyfriend could leave tomorrow. Then I would be pining away for him, because that's how my fucked up mind works aparently.....
I do love him. I do care about him. I am however, frustrated with certain aspects of our relationship that have been troublesome from the get go. But if he left I would miss him. He is a great friend, and a funny person. I have trouble trusting him, as he has fucked me over greatly in the past....I think this is a big issue. I don't want him to go though...I just want the fairy tale. I don't know how to get it though. ....so I come here and complain :O .....
I need to show him I appreciate him....I just need to figure out how
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