The Tech School Tour..

It went well. I liked the bulding, I liked the teachers...but do I really want to go back to school for 2 years, to have a starting wage of roughly $10 per hour??? That is the question...well, one of them.

I already have a bachelor's degree (art), and I have already had jobs that pay this much, though I didn't really like any of them. I'm sick of being broke. As much as I love animals I may have to pursue another route to support my art habit. Accounting makes the most sense right now, as it would go hand in hand with having my own business...the next questions is, what type of schooling or degree...

this sucks, why didn't I do something about his years ago. Oh wait, I was really fucked up. Like more so than I am currently.

Round Two...

I am very excited by this prospect....(yeah-- sex)!

After a week or two of wondering what the hell was going on...I now know...(kind of)????

He asked me what I was doing this week. And of course I said "nothing", because I have no life... I have not had sex with my boyfriend in 3 weeks-- and belive me-- I have tried... :( ...Dude, this fucking sucks...I am a woman in her early 30's, in a long term relationship, with no sex life...

I can't recall what he said exactly, somthing like "do you want to run away together" this week?...(uh-- YEAH!!!!!!)...

I need something desperatlely...and he is a lovely man :) ...

Is He Fucking With My Head, or Does He Not Know What He Wants?

Men confuse the fuck out of me. Don't get me wrong though, I enjoy them nonetheless...

So "Alex" has now been talking to me less, and perhaps avoiding/and/or igoring me. And this all started after we uh...did stuff....

I wonder if he:

A) is dissatisfied with what I ...uh..do...
B) feels guilty because he is in a long term relationship
c) he is no longer attracted to me, becuase he always thought I was so sweet and innocent...(not anymore)!-- I guess I blew that one out of the water :)-- no pun intended :).... :O ... :)
D) doesn't know what the heck he wants
E) is worried I will ask him to leave his woman
F) something other than what I have mentioned

This is very confusing. And he does chat with other woman-- are there more than me? Does he want me to be jealous? I have no clue. This is all very exciting and wierd. Though I'd rather just cut the drama and mess around, but he seems to have lost interest...I hope I'm not a bad kisser...I will keep you updated in this strange dilemma

I think maybe he just likes the thrill of the chase?....

Oh yes...In honor of this romantic angst and confusion, I bring to you this song by Natalie Merchant. I love this song...It gets to the point...



I absolutely love it when this song is in about 2 minutes-- so if you are an impatient type, fast forward the song to about 2 minutes :)

Maybe He is a Player????

I have been wondering this for some time now. I have seen him get into "animated" discussions with other females...Now, I know this doesn't ALWAYS mean something, but I realize often it does...ie: he frequently (or used to anyways), get into animated, enjoyable conversations with me...

So lets just say, for the sake of argument, that there was some kind of...er...messing around of some sort....and then lets say right after that happened said person starts spending less time with you...

What does it mean when he talks to you a little, but not as much as before? Is this a guys way of being polite? And what does it mean if there is a small amount of flirthing but not nearly as much as before? Is this a power trip thing-- like hard to get? Or is this the nice way of letting someone down?...

Then there is the "other other woman" factor. Maybe there are multiple other woman in his life or something. This is really fucking with my head. I guess I shouldn't be surprised. For instance, tonight he was chatting with this other chic for at least a half an hour...maybe longer...then I overheard her say something about emailing him. I asked another friend what he was up to, and the other frined said, "oh, he's just being flirtatious"--ie: admitting that they dude was in fact being flirtatious...that made me feel so much better really...My life is so fucked right now. I am quite confused....

I am Attracted to Someone Other Than my Boyfriend...

...oh shit...

And no...in case you are wondering, I have not acted on this yet...(did I just say YET)?...oh god...NO...I have not slept with someone else...(I have dirty thoughts though :O ....(and what's better...or worse?...is that this guy is apparently into me too)...

I belive part of the reason my mind wanders is my boyfriends lack of libido...He has absolutely no interest in sex. He has had no interest in sex since the beginning of our relationship, almost 4 years ago. At first I wondered if he was gay, then I wondered if it was me...then I came to the conclusion that perhaps he was just asexual...He never checks ANYONE out and is never in the mood...it is very bizzare...

So where does this leave me? I really have no idea. I am in a long term relationship, as is this fellow I have dirty thoughts about...

I would like to think I am not a loose woman (and I'm not)...I actually lost my virginity at an age much later than most of my peers)...so why do I feel guilty, for just THOUGHTS?...

I guess it's because I know they could become reality. This fellow and I have acknowleged attraction to one another. We talk with a flirtatious banter, and there have been "words exchanged"...There is just something about him. When he looks at me, it's almost erotic...it's like he's looking at me naked or something... When he talks to me, he actually takes an interest in me...he wants to know about me...it's not all about him. (I've found this somewhat rare with men-- it's very attractive though, when they want to know about you :)...

And he is just gorgeous...not traditionally gorgeous per say...but definitely gorgeous...and the way he looks at me like I am naked...Oh shit..I could be in for some trouble...or in the very least, some mental torture... :( ... :) ...

I Don't Deserve to Have a Boyfriend

My last post should be evidence of that. Here I am in a "relationship," which I've had for a couple years, and I'm still thinking about the "one who got away."....I would like to say though, given that I haven't seen "Jeremy" in 10 years or so, that I don't know if I'd want to "be with him"...maybe I would, maybe I wouldn't....I don't know...It might just be that I've always wanted what I can't have. I've always wanted the unatainable...especially when it comes to relationships. Why? That's probably another blog post.

My mind has been consumed lately with the things I want, and the things I don't have. I've been quite depressed lately. My boyfriend senses this...though I don't know if he knows exactly what has been bothering me. I think if he knew I was thinking about men from my past it would upset him. I don't blame him. I would be upset if he was thinking about a girl he was friends with 10 years ago, and if he was jealous that the woman found someone that made her happy. ....Oh my god, I'm such a fucking freak....What the #@!# is wrong with me....

I don't know really why I can't be happy with what I have. I obsess about the lack of a career, the lack of a home, the lack of....whatever...things could be worse I know. My boyfriend could leave tomorrow. Then I would be pining away for him, because that's how my fucked up mind works aparently.....

I do love him. I do care about him. I am however, frustrated with certain aspects of our relationship that have been troublesome from the get go. But if he left I would miss him. He is a great friend, and a funny person. I have trouble trusting him, as he has fucked me over greatly in the past....I think this is a big issue. I don't want him to go though...I just want the fairy tale. I don't know how to get it though. ....so I come here and complain :O .....

I need to show him I appreciate him....I just need to figure out how