Where I'm At...

I have been abnormally depressed lately...(as in staying in bed depressed). My depressions were always anxious and fidgety when I was young, now they just leave me feeling tired. I prefer being tired and depressed to being anxious though.

I finally got my disability check. I am very thankful for this help from the government, but I also feel like a loser. It's strange-- I don't mind at all if someone else needs disability, but I am very hard on myself. I would like to have some type of gainful employment (as they call it), but I am just not currently capable of working full time. My anxiety levels are quite bad, and my bulimia has gotten a bit worse in the last 2 weeks...

The demise of my relationship with the guy I was dating is making it all worse. He gave me all this crap about how he couldn't be involved with my cause he was leaving for Iraq, he can't trust anyone-- blah balh balh...so he said he though we should just be friends. A day or two after he dumps me he starts dating a 22 year old who he falls madly in love with-- and she in turn, after 3 weeks of dating him, decides to get back with her ex. (karma :)....then again, maybe the 22 year old got back together with my former duded. Who knows, we no longer have contact. I am sad.

I was supposed to take a couple of classes at the tech school in a couple of weeks, but I am not sure if I am up for it, or would even like it. (CNA stuff). I got the idea from taking care of my gramma. I don't know, we'll see

I Finally am Getting My Hearing...

For my disability case...For anyone who is not farmiliar with me-- I am a fucked up artist who makes no money. I actually used to be on disability when I was in my early to mid 20's because of my depression/anxiety/bulima...etc...and other assorted issues. I had to be in an eating disorder clinic a couple of times, and also had to hae a blood transfusion once because I was severly anemic....anyway, the long and short of it is I went of disability in my mid twenties because I wanted to try and be "normal."

It didn't work. I pretty much had problems at most of the many jobs I have had since then, as a result of my "problems." For instance, my last full time job I had a couple of panic attacks, started crying, and was subsequently fired. (although a few months after the fact)...then last summer I lost another job because I have trouble concentrating and keep making stupid mistakes...

So I reapplied for disability and got rejected. They said they took my age and education level into consideration. (I only have a bachelor's degree-- and it's useless)!!!-- fine art...Anyway, they also said they found no evidence that I have ever had a disability...Uh...I used to be on disability....dumbasses...there are obviously missing records.

So I got a lawyer, and my hearing is in mid-May. Then at least I can figure out where to proceed from here...It's been 2 years already!!!

Exhibit A: Report Card from 12th Grade...

This is one of the reasons my Dad gets kind of pissed at me. He says he doesn't understand how someone could do so well in school, yet not be able to do something with one's life. (ie: go to graduate school, and or get or hold a job)-- bear in mind I've mostly worked in coffee shops since graduating college, for a mere $7.50 an hour....(and actually I wish I still had one of those jobs-- currently unemployed)...

Anyway, what he does not understand, is that I have severe anxiety, (social and general), bulimia, as well as severe depression, a hairpulling problem which leaves me looking rather "odd," and also a dose of paranoia...not schizo paranoia, but paranoid that I suck and will lose my job. (and this HAS happened before)...

What I am trying to say here, is that academic success at a young age does not mean one will be successful in life. You need to take into consideration emotional IQ-- which is something I lack. (perhaps there is a reason my ex refers to me as "short bus")-- sorry, very un-PC, but you know what I mean.

The Only Bright Spot of 2001/2002...

This was the worst fucking year of my life. Even worse than this year believe it or not. That year, I was in a car accident that changed my life-- it: fucked me up-- I used to be athletic and could not longer run. I also was puking about 10 times per day-- seriously....As a person with an eating disorder, not being able to run anymore really messed me up-- much more puking. I wasn't working, and also wound up in an eating disorder clinic, as I was still "fairly" young, and my father was able to help pay for it. ( If I recall, he just retired that year, and was not as tight on cash as he is now)...I tried to kill myself 4 times that year-- BAD year. I have not tried since. I realized after the last one, I did not want to die. I just didn't want to feel that way anymore, I wanted a better life. I don't have the better life yet, and may never have it. But it least it is not as bad as it was then. This movie, The Royal Tennenbaums, was the only thing from that year I can recall enjoying. I saw this movie on an "outing" when I was at the residential eating disorder clinic...I laughed, it made me happy. This was the only time I recall being happy that year.

Re-Assessing Survival/Life Goals...

The last 3 months have fucking sucked ass. My ex boyfriend the alcholic almost made me homeless. (Long story)...The guy I fell in love with (and was stupid enough to cheat with) started ignoring me as a result (and was fucking yet another girl, other than me or his wife)....and I have no fucking income to speak of...my 63 year old father is paying my rent...and at my age, I know how pathetic that is...

I need to find a way to be self sufficent. Even if it means earning $7 per hour and living in a fucking trailor park. I hate my life. I don't hate men, but hate the men who have been involved in my life recently. I can't rely on them. I can only rely on myself. The scary part or course, is I have no job skills, other than the ability to draw a pretty picture-- not that that ever got me anywhere...

I am alone adn need to except that. I really wanted to get married someday, and maybe have a kid. I don't think that can/will happen though. I have maye 10 years left at best, or I'll have one of those "Palin babies"-- if you know what I mean...not to be un-PC, but seriously, a woman only has so long...

I need to change my life, but I don't know how. I've always been a sqaure peg trying to fit into a round hole. These are not good odds...

Just When I Think I am Breaking Out of My Most Recent Depression...

I'm not...

The last 3 months have been bad. Like one of the worst depressions I have ever been in. I do have moments though when I think I am going to pull out of it. For instance, I recently started working on an oil painting, I got in the groove, and was feeling pretty good for 2 days.

But then the next day I started obsessing about the same old stuff again-- mainly, what's going to happen to me in 10-20 years. I worry I will not get disability back, and also that I will never be able to hold a decent paying job, as I lack job skills. I worry I will be homeless and die on the steets. Sounds bizarre right? These are the things I seriously think about. I think I have some kind of OCD thing going on, in addition to severe anxiety.

I prefer depression to anxiety though, anxiety is the worst. Especially social anxiety-- it always made any workplace situation difficult for me. I either don't say enough, or I say too much. I can't stand up for myself until I get so pissed off that I say something stupid. I'm too old to be this way, and am trying to improve on my social anxiety issues. All my anxiety issues really. Not much luck though.

I think I need to move across the country again. I know you can't run away from your problems, but I am not liking where I am living. The crime rate is bad and the climate does not agree with me. There's also not many jobs here (is there anywhere though)?

Maybe I Should Stay out of Town a Little Longer...

I am nervous about going back home. I spoke with my ex yesterday afternoon, and I found out he had not yet contacted his mother for his rent money yet. His weekly rent is due on Friday/Saturday. He then said, "you're coming back on Saturday aren't you"? I informed him he better call his mom for money, because I'm not just going to show up on Saturday and pay his rent for him. What the fuck is his problem? His parents are loaded (seriously, they are)...and I am living off my savings account.

If I am not in the same state as he is, then how can he harass me for money? Other than potentially harassing my neighbors, and causing me more problems on the home front. I don't know what I will do yet. I don't know how to go about changing my plane ticket.

dude, I'm tired...

The last month has been really draining. There was my ex relapsing, leading to our breakup, "alex" no longer speaking to me...and all the depression that resulted from this crap.

My ex has not moved out yet, but is looking at apartments. I will miss him in a way, but can't deal with the drama anymore. I am really tired, emotionally and physically. I have gained weight. I feel like a pig.

Mean People Suck...This is why I like having a "secret blog"

So this is one of my 3 blogs. I have 2 secret blogs, and one "business" blog. I try to write nothing too personal in my business blog. Once in a while it does creep out though. Obviously nothing as revealing as this blog...but once in a while I may write something MILDLY personal...

(no nothing about sex)...I wish..

Anyway, on the other blog I wrote something MILDLY personal about a person I am closed to that is ill, and some asshole commented how I need to get a life, how I seemed like a teenager, and not express my personal feeling on the internet. They also told me to stay away from blogging...I'm generally a polite person, but left an email reply that said FUCK OFF...(that was my ex-boyfriends idea)...technically he left the message, I never would have had the guts...

My main point here is that I like having this particular blog to vent. And since it is not my business blog, I can say whatever the fuck I want. I've realized I need to be more careful in my other blog...though I don't reveal THAT much--that's the wierd part. I haven't had a comment on this blog that even compares, and this is the blog I say the personal stuff on...(go figure)....

so assholes pretty much suck, and someone out there in cyberspace has some bad karma coming their way...Seriously, it's not polite to make someone cry on Chritmas. Especially when said person is a chronic depressive with no health insurance, who's only therapuetic activity is blogging...

I hate my life immensely

You know those times in your life where everything just fucking sucks and you with you wouldn't have to wake up and deal with all the stupid fucking stressful shit? I am having one of those months. My ex relapsed, lost his job...I called "alex" who will no longer talk to me as a result, and my disability case is totally fucked. I recently discovered they don't even have one 20th of my documentation...no wonder I got rejected. (I hope my lawyer is good at his job)...

Anyway, I am alone and broke and haven't' had sex in over a month. I am very type A...perhaps i will have a heart attack and get lucky. (no worries people, I'm not suicidal...just extremely annoyed/pissed off and slightly depressed and feeling hopeless). I have no desire to be in a relationship ever again. I cannot deal with feeling so fucked over.

I'm Really Fucking Depressed...

I feel rather helpless right now. My boyfriend says he will be out by next week, but part of me is scared for him to go. I am across the country from "home" and I don't know a lot of people here. I feel alone a lot. I am not employed. My dad is paying my bills. I feel pathetic. I can't get a job because I am not qualified to do anything other than work in retail. I would get fired anyway. And if I even attempted to get another job I definitely won't win my disability case. Everything is fucked!

When I look at my boyfriend (ex boyfriend), I feel sad. I still love him, but there will always be the "next relapse" the "next job loss" the next "threat" or some sort. He terrifies me psychologically, but not physically. It's wierd-- he's always threatening to "sue me" if I throw him out, call the cops if I yell at him-- that kind of thing.

I hate my life right now. I really need to see a counselor of something, but I have no health insurance and i can't afford to see a counselor because i have no income. I think that's why i like blogging. It's my form of therapy.

Here's What's Going On Part 2...

OK, so my boyfriend is sober for NOW...Not that this reasures me...I know there is always a "next time"

I feel stuck...I have no money and no career prospects. He helps pays the bills. He doesn't have a lot, but it makes up for what I cannota do. I am becoming one of those woman I hate. I don't want to be with someone because he helps pay the bills. Our lives are depressing beyond belief.

I can't exactly go out a get a part time, or full time job for a couple of reasons...
1) I will get fired anyway-- my concentration is for shit, and I dont' interact well with other...I have a paranoid version of social anxiety...
2) I have a pending disability case...I was denied twice (even though I used to be on it oddly enough) adn now I had to hire a laywer to help me...now if I even try to work, I am fucked...but I'd get fired anyway cause I suck so I'm fucked anyway...

and to top it off "Alex" is now ignoring me, because he most likely does not want to deal with all this drama...I called him for a ride on the night my asshole boyfriend relapsed...he didn't give me one, told me to call the cops, said he would call me in the morning...adn then did not...He's been ignoring me for a week and a half...

ASSHOLE!!!!! (then why do i miss him)?

Maybe It's all Ok...

Really! :) It hit me all of a sudden. Maybe it's because I am no longer a kid, or "young adult"...I am an adult now...in terms of age, who I am, my needs, my wants, my interests....I am basically at that point where I know who I am.

Maybe it's OK if I'm not beautiful, I don't have the mega career...Maybe it's OK that I'm just me...(please bear in mind this may be the wine talking, but really, I am a poor, broke ass artist)...Now that I "look" a little older (ya know, some wrinkles and gray hair)..it's actually kind of freeing in a way)...

The only thing I have to go on is ability, talent...and luck?...pity if I'm lucky?...After feeling rather romantically rejected as of late I had this sudden burst of freedom. It was really rather interesting...for lack of a better adjective...Maybe all there is left is me :) Maybe "me" is Ok for once...:)?

The Men I Have Known...

I have this idea...

It will most likely never come to fruition..., mainly becuase I cannot spell that word, or appopriately define it...

I want to write a story. Mainly because I don't know what else to do. I want to write about my life. About how I would have liked for it to have turned out. Even if it could never have turned out like that.

There are so many lovely people I could have known better. So many people I would have loved to enrich. If only if I did not have all my own shit to deal with. I want an omage. I want a happy ending. I want this to be in honor of all the lovely people I have known in my life, who have given me brief moments of happiness. I owe these people a great deal....

I don't know if I can do this. I am thinking about it though. Maybe it will be easier if I continue to be anonymous. I could illustrate it, but I don't want to give myself away. I am a nobody, but there might be a few who recognise me.

Here is a song to demonstrate:


PS: I'm not butt ugly...I'm rather average ;) ...

Little to No Motivation...

I'm having trouble making myself do anything today (or this week )..other than writing this post of course.

I am specifically referring to my artwork. I just don't have the zest for it I did in my younger years. I think it was because back then I was doing it for theraputic purposes, and I also had specific assignments I needed to get done by a certain day. Now that I am actually trying to sell my art, it seems to be clouding what I am doing. Like I am "watering it down", so to speak. Making it slightly less bizarre, in hopes of being more main stream. And obviously that's not working...Sales are down, and I am not particularly interested in what I am doing a lot of the time. Perhaps it's because I'm a depressive...

I know...wah, wah,wah.... :)

So I don't know if there is really a point to this post other than to say I have some serious fucking artist's block. I wish I had a list of some of my cool old assignments from college, to spark my interest...I guess I will have to try and remember what some of them were...

So My Boyfriend was Drinking Mouthwash Tonight...

Yeah, that's never a good sign...He had a small relapse 2 days ago, and now he was drinking mouth wash. It got him visibly drunk, and then he puked.

This is quite the life I have made for myself. Why was I not drown at birth or something?...Seriously though. I have known for a LONG time it wouldn't work, but I feel almost reponsible for him in a way. I worry he will die or something if I leave. And I do care about him, he's a sweetie. But he's also a drunk with no libido.

I find myself looking at couples who have been together for YEARS and I feel so jealous. I wish I could have that. I'm not really the type to date around a lot. I love the idea of being with someone forever, I just don't know if it's possible. For me anyway-- I would drive any man nuts with all my anxiety problems....and I have, the few boyfriends I have had.

Supposedly he is going to AA tomorrow with his boss of all people. Turns out he is a recovering alcholic too. Should be interesting.

Big Huge Nasty Fight With the Boyfriend...

We almost broke up tonight. Our entire relationship of almost 4 years has been a series of mini breakups, and almost breakups. I thought tonight would be "for real" though...

So he's stressy and cranky all day-- which of course stresses me out. And then he tells me he hates his job and wants to quit-- after I'm already stressed out. Then I told him fine, quit, but you better have your parents help you or have something lined up, because I have no fucking money. (I am unemployed because of all my fucking mental health "issues")...My dad helps me, but that's not enought to support him too...Anyway

I told him neither of us can handle stress, neither of us seem to be able to handle long term employment...and when you put two "nuts" together, you get nothing but "nutty."...I also yelled at him for never having sex with me.

My boyfriend and I have not had sex in a fucking month. And we are in our 30's...he has no libido whatsoever....or at least not towards me...

We ended up chilling out, but I am still left wondering what will happen in the long run. I love him, but it's like living with my brother or something...I need a normal sex life...It has become apparent that my boyfriend has no interest in sex with me, and "Alex" has most likely lost interest in me...

Maybe He is a Player????

I have been wondering this for some time now. I have seen him get into "animated" discussions with other females...Now, I know this doesn't ALWAYS mean something, but I realize often it does...ie: he frequently (or used to anyways), get into animated, enjoyable conversations with me...

So lets just say, for the sake of argument, that there was some kind of...er...messing around of some sort....and then lets say right after that happened said person starts spending less time with you...

What does it mean when he talks to you a little, but not as much as before? Is this a guys way of being polite? And what does it mean if there is a small amount of flirthing but not nearly as much as before? Is this a power trip thing-- like hard to get? Or is this the nice way of letting someone down?...

Then there is the "other other woman" factor. Maybe there are multiple other woman in his life or something. This is really fucking with my head. I guess I shouldn't be surprised. For instance, tonight he was chatting with this other chic for at least a half an hour...maybe longer...then I overheard her say something about emailing him. I asked another friend what he was up to, and the other frined said, "oh, he's just being flirtatious"--ie: admitting that they dude was in fact being flirtatious...that made me feel so much better really...My life is so fucked right now. I am quite confused....

Dwelling on the Past..(again...Big Surprise)...

Yeah...here I go again...

I don't know what brought in on exactly...Maybe it has been the recent "stuff" about the other guy...or maybe it was the tequila I was drinking tonight...

But to make a long story short-- I found myself on You Tube...AGAIN...listening to nostaligic music from my college years...Perhaps it was because I was more innocent then...more pure...less...corrupt?....

I keep thinking to those times when I was cute and sweet and unadulterated...Not that life was perfect then, becausee it wasn't-- belive me...I was HIGHLY eating disordered...Nonetheless, I was young, thin, athletic, artistic, and had hope...Now I'm getting older, I've lost my creative edge, I have chronic tendonitis, and I feel less desirable....Not to mention I am often in a shitty mood...

I know it is not a good idea to find one's self worth through others. I am a logical, albeit, emotional person. I don't know what to do with all these feelings really, except perhaps create more art from it. Most of my art is a creation of my pain. (I obviously don't show it here for anonymity reasons, but you catch my drift)...

Anyway, I apologize if I am rambling, I am half drunk...I enjoy writing in this blog on my "drunk" nights :)...Here is a video representing the college years. It fucks with my head in certain ways..(eating disordered and all-- although, I dont' look it these days-- I have no will power to be "skinny"...I look more thin/average now)...But this song was in when I was in college. I listened to it a lot right after I parted ways with Jeremy and what's his face....It makes me feel sad somehow...

I Hate Main Stream Cutsie Shite...

And I do mean shite...

Perhaps I am a bit jaded...perhaps I am getting a bit older...but at least one thing does not change...Cute prevails!!!! FUCK CUTE!!!!!...

My entire life I have had to deal with beautiful cute people who always come out on top...and it they weren't, per say..."cute"....they were at least "main stream"...and could therefore be successful..

I am at that angry bitter point in my life where I am too old to be cute, too strange to be main stream, to anxiety riddent to go further with my education to attempt to rise above....I am jsut bitter and angry....and too pissed off to do anything but complain..but that is why I created this blog-- so if you want to say anything nasty, FUCK YOU-- I will delete your comment. I write this secret blog for thereaputic purposes...

I have come to the conclusion I can probably never be successful in any venture I head into...I should just get it over with and do really wierd art and not sell any of it...why not?...FUCK YOU fucking cute people.....