I am Back Home Because My Grandma is Dying of Cancer

This is very upsetting. I feel like an asshole. I separated myself from my family about 7 years ago because I felt like I could not live up to their expectations. I felt pressure to be thin, perfect, athletic, and also have a mega career. In retrospect, perhaps I put these expecations on myself. Anyway...I was gone for a long time, but I came back to visit last August with the encouragement of a guy I had just started dating. He told me he didn't see his grandma right before she died and he always regretted it. She only has a couple of weeks now, so I am here.

When I entered the house I was so sad. My grandma looked very frail and old. I was overwhelmed with sadness and cried on and off during the hour and a half long visit. I gave her a hug and asked her how she felt. I can't recall what exactly she said, but the gist I got was that she was not in pain, but very tired and weak. I told her I was sorry I was gone so long, and she said sometimes absense makes the heart grow fonder. I also said I had to go and find myself. She said she knew I didn't have an easy road. I said I still didn't, but I was hoping I'd find my way. She asked me about my boyfriend, and I said he didn't want to boyfriend and girlfriend, but we still might be dating. I said the situation was confusing, but I really liked him. I said maybe I wasn't "the one" for him, and she said, "maybe you are." I held her hand for like an hour and a half. I hugged her and cried on and off. I thanked her for helping raise me, and she commented that we had a good time. I said, remember when we used to go"bumming?"...she said she liked all the garage sales we went to. I commented on the antique shops as well, and how much fun it was decorating Christmas cookies with her...She said she loved me, and I said I loved her too. I then went to visit with my aunt and cousin, and came back to grandma and grandpas for dinner. Grandma invited me to stay over, and I did. It was nice to be home.

The Only Bright Spot of 2001/2002...

This was the worst fucking year of my life. Even worse than this year believe it or not. That year, I was in a car accident that changed my life-- it: fucked me up-- I used to be athletic and could not longer run. I also was puking about 10 times per day-- seriously....As a person with an eating disorder, not being able to run anymore really messed me up-- much more puking. I wasn't working, and also wound up in an eating disorder clinic, as I was still "fairly" young, and my father was able to help pay for it. ( If I recall, he just retired that year, and was not as tight on cash as he is now)...I tried to kill myself 4 times that year-- BAD year. I have not tried since. I realized after the last one, I did not want to die. I just didn't want to feel that way anymore, I wanted a better life. I don't have the better life yet, and may never have it. But it least it is not as bad as it was then. This movie, The Royal Tennenbaums, was the only thing from that year I can recall enjoying. I saw this movie on an "outing" when I was at the residential eating disorder clinic...I laughed, it made me happy. This was the only time I recall being happy that year.

General State of Panic..

So my Dad had a health scare. Apparently he thought he might have cancer, and was under this impression for like a month and a half.

Luckily after 12 biopsies the doctors concluded he did not have prostate cancer. He did have 2 that were "abnormal" though-- not cancerous, but growths or something?...Prostate cancer runs in my Dad's family big time, so he has to go in every 6 months to get it checked out...Oddly enough, his PSA levels were rising because of this stupid fucking hormone gel one of his doctors put him on.

I swear sometimes doctors do more harm than good...He's of that mindset though, that doctors are gods or something...Here's another pill for that! Naw, you don't need to make any lifestyle changes! Just take more pills, that will make you get sick in other ways!...

Sorry, I'll get off my soap box now...I've just seen doctors really fuck people up, and I don't want my Dad getting fucked up by these doctors...(can you tell I've had some negative experience with medical professionals :)...Anyway, I know doctors help a lot of the time, but I just wish they weren't so quick to try things that could make you worse, instead of advocating certain lifestyle changes...

I'm glad he is OK. I was freaking out for a day after I heard the good news...Of course I was thinking about when it "becomes cancer" instead of that he's OK. I'm such a pessimist.

Reason 5,349 I Do Not Spend Time With My Siblings

My sister "Kris" is completely condescending...and no, that's not her real name.....

It really bothers my father that my siblings and I are not close. Oh well. It's hard to be close to someone who talks to you and treats you like you're 5, when in actuality, you are MUCH older. It's also hard to be close to people who are "professionals," and look down on you because you are not. To my siblings, a big FUCK YOU...(Sorry, hope that doesnt' offend you cyber space people, but you should see the way these people have comunicated wiht my in the last 10 years ). I'm not saying I'm right, and they are wrong, I'm just saying we are very different, and spending time with people who think you're a piece of shit is not a fun time.

So here's how it goes....I almost never speak to my siblings on the phone...so whenever I call my Dad, and a sibling happens to be visiting, he shoves them on the phone and makes me talk to them...yeah, fucking great...anyway, here's a synopsis of the last conversation I had with "Kris" a few days ago, as I called my Dad, and she happened to be visiting him, for like the 4th time this year...(they live across the county from each other)...

Oh yeah...backup info: I was paid a whopping $40 last fall to illustrate a book cover for this guy who was self publishing...It took like 20 hours...yeah, I made a lot of dough on that one...anyway, I digress...

So "Kris" says to me about the bookcover..."well that's great, you'll always have that. No one can take that away from you."....YEAH...that's actually what she said...and she said it in that voice like she's talking to a third grader...FUCK YOU!!!!...haven't I heard that fucking line in a movie or something?...anyway, I just said, "uh, thanks."...even though I wanted to tell her snooty ass to fuck off.

And this is just a minor incident..She once got pisses off at me because I was under severe stress (like on the verge of a nervous breakdown) and wanted to quit my job. And for the record, I had a little in savings and another part time job, so I wans't totally fucked or anything...she says "NO, you can't, because Dad will have to send you more money then."...I told her I wouldn't be asking for any more money. Anyway, all she gives a fuck about is her inheritance, screw my mental health. And we're not even a wealthy family-- middle class at best. Nice fucking priorities.