The Only Bright Spot of 2001/2002...

This was the worst fucking year of my life. Even worse than this year believe it or not. That year, I was in a car accident that changed my life-- it: fucked me up-- I used to be athletic and could not longer run. I also was puking about 10 times per day-- seriously....As a person with an eating disorder, not being able to run anymore really messed me up-- much more puking. I wasn't working, and also wound up in an eating disorder clinic, as I was still "fairly" young, and my father was able to help pay for it. ( If I recall, he just retired that year, and was not as tight on cash as he is now)...I tried to kill myself 4 times that year-- BAD year. I have not tried since. I realized after the last one, I did not want to die. I just didn't want to feel that way anymore, I wanted a better life. I don't have the better life yet, and may never have it. But it least it is not as bad as it was then. This movie, The Royal Tennenbaums, was the only thing from that year I can recall enjoying. I saw this movie on an "outing" when I was at the residential eating disorder clinic...I laughed, it made me happy. This was the only time I recall being happy that year.

Not Doing too good Tonight...

I'm thinking about too many things...the past, my family...people I know, and people I knew...I need to get rid of the nostalgic streak, but it haunts me...Not to be melodramatic, but it really does...I suppose it doesn't help that I've been listening to you tube videos all night...think Alanis Morissette, Willie Nelson, and Anne Murray...

Yes, I know, potentially self indulgent and pathetic, but in a strange way...it makes me feel better...the songs I listen to, I listen to for a specific reason...the remind me of a time in my life, a certain feeling...you know? There's something about music that does that. It transports me back in time-- Alanis Morissette to my late teen years and early 20's...Willie and Anne to my childhood years...when my mother was still here...I don't remember her well, but I know she loved me. I wish she was still here. I know she loved me. I don't know how, but I just know. And my Dad told me she kind of favored me...then she offed herself. Maybe that's why I'm so fucked up. I'm very introspective and I know how I feel. I usually know why I feel the way I feel. It doesn't change things though. It doesnt' make things better....Maybe I should paint about it. I just miss them.

PS: this is a sketch from long ago...I did this in Jeremy's dorm room...