Once Again Thinking About Grad School...

Grad school is what brought me to this city in the first place. I gave it 3 days, and I knew this particular program at this particular school was not a good fit. I bailed on a fellowship that payed half my tuition. I was rather depressed about this for a good 6 months. I felt like a gigantic loser at the time. I don't regret it though. It was the right call, I know that now. At the time, it was the only school I got into. This is my chance to rework my portfolio and get into a school or program that would be a better fit. For a while I was convinced I should try to become a nurse or physician's assistant or something...something mega practical. Even a CNA or a bookkeeper or something-- like a one year tech degree...Lately I have realized I may be better of sticking with something that I am good at and that wont' make me insane...

So here's what I am thinking...MAYBE a tech degree in accounting or bookkeeping (because oddly enough for an artsy type, I get a sick pleasure out of "inventory" and various mathematical problems...this way I will have a "skill."...and then maybe I can try the grad school thing again if I want, and if I can get in a program that would be a better fit...

Something about Josh made me really wantn to get my shit together-- IMMEDIATELY....I think I met him for a reason, and this was it-- get your shit together, do what you love, and don't let anyone get in the way.

Thank you Josh.

Starting Over

This is what I am trying to do anyway, in terms of career and lifestyle. I don't like the way my life has gone in the last decade, well...the last 20 years to be precise. Lets just say things definitely have gone down hill in my adult life, and it's time to pick up the pieces again. Time to figure out the career stuff, and eat better and drink less. Interestingly enough, drinking helped cut down on my bulimia...I guess it's not necessarily a good thing to replace one vice with another, however, given the bulimia almost killed me in my early 20's I guess I should take any improvement I can get. I only throw up a couple of times a week now. I used to throw up 10 times a day at my worst, and even 2 years ago I was still at 5 times per day. Now to cut down on the booze. Living with Sam is helping with that. And the fact that I have no money. And the fact that Josh probably thinks I am insane. These things are enough to keep the partying in check. I want a good life. I want a good job, a house, a husband, and maybe a kid or two. I realize I won't have these things though unless I lead a healthier lifestyle and get my shit together. I think I am finally ready to be an adult. Kind of sad to say for a 31 year old...but better late than never. (I had some delays in life I guess)....maybe I should just start taking classes and see if something clicks...

So I Really Wish I Could Go Back to School Again...

I know I can't handle the stress though. Most grad schools for fine art require you to go full time, and this is not something I can do. I know this because I tried, and it didn't work. I only lasted a few days....(It also wasn't that great of a school though, so maybe that had something to do with it). Even as an undergrad I had to go part time though, because of my inability to handle stress...

There is a part of me that won't feel complete unless I get an MFA. As stupid and impractacle as that may sound, it's just something I really, really WANT...I've been out of the loop for so long now it would be hard to get into a good school. (Even if I could handle the stress)...The school I actually got into, when I tried, was my last choice.

It hit me again yesterday, the wanting to be in school. I was on a walk, and I looked up and saw this old red, brick building. It looked like the some of the buildings from my undergrad university, and there was a slight breeze. The physical sensation of it all gave me this deja vu thing for fall semester of my freshman year of college. That whole scene-- the building, the breeze, some 18 year old looking kid tossing a football, reminded me of that time. (and by the way jocks annoy me so that wasn't particularly related to the nostalgia-- just a side note)...

Anway, I hope I can handle school again someday...maybe...hopefully...I almost feel like I'm too old now! :O ...