This Song Hits the Spot

Has anyone out there heard this song, or seen the movie, "Garden State?"...Seriously, it kills me every time... :)

According to my ex boyfriend, I like this movie because, "you're just like that girl"!!!! Maybe a little...I maintain though, I am much more like Juno, from said title...I really enjoy the interpersonal dynamic between Zach whats-his-face and Natalie Portman...and the fact that I was once rather cute/odd/innocent like that Natalie character...I think I have developed a Zach crush as well...I like that these characaters are wierd/odd/cute and slightly imperfect. If I see one more perfect fucking hollywood person I am gonna barf, seriously...

Anyway, I though I would share this video, as it is one of my favorites as of late :) It's a feel good kind of video...for those of us who are kinda impatient, fast forward the video to one minute and 15 seconds for the chorus :)

Why Do I Want What I Can't Have?...Part 2...

Sorry part 2 has taken a while...I've been feeling shitty depressed lately and have little to no motivation...(and yes, my boyfriend and my Dad are still paying the bills)...I'm a winner! :D ...anyway...

I still find myself wanting "Jeremy" the sweet guy from college, who kind of liked me, but I pushed him away...to any new readers...I pushed him away because he was kind of socially awkward, like myself in a way...which at a young age naturally freaked me out...now I regret ever pushing him away...he saw the good in me what I though I was shit...gee, I guess some things never change..

To make matters worse, and to make my regrets worse, I recently discovered (via internet naturally) that he and his wife are basically "soul mates."...FUCK!!!!

I discovered this because I like to google him sometimes, because I'm all nostalgic like that, and I have no life. I found a blog, by someone in his "circle", so to speak, and in this blog it talked about how he and his wife have this cute baby...blah blah blah...(PUT THE FUCKING KNIFE IN MY HEART RIGHT NOW)...and how they make each other whole or some crap like that...which unfortunatley is most likey true and it really pisses me off that I was too young and stupid to appreciate him when I had him. He was always so kind to me, never lost pacience with me, so on and so forth...I really enjoyed his sense of humor as well. A dry and intelligent sense of humor...He did an amazing Christopher Walken impression as well..

Well, he apparently is with his soul mate now, who looks like me, but is aging better, and they have a baby...FUCK!!!!!

Ok, I need to go and drink more now...

So I Really Wish I Could Go Back to School Again...

I know I can't handle the stress though. Most grad schools for fine art require you to go full time, and this is not something I can do. I know this because I tried, and it didn't work. I only lasted a few days....(It also wasn't that great of a school though, so maybe that had something to do with it). Even as an undergrad I had to go part time though, because of my inability to handle stress...

There is a part of me that won't feel complete unless I get an MFA. As stupid and impractacle as that may sound, it's just something I really, really WANT...I've been out of the loop for so long now it would be hard to get into a good school. (Even if I could handle the stress)...The school I actually got into, when I tried, was my last choice.

It hit me again yesterday, the wanting to be in school. I was on a walk, and I looked up and saw this old red, brick building. It looked like the some of the buildings from my undergrad university, and there was a slight breeze. The physical sensation of it all gave me this deja vu thing for fall semester of my freshman year of college. That whole scene-- the building, the breeze, some 18 year old looking kid tossing a football, reminded me of that time. (and by the way jocks annoy me so that wasn't particularly related to the nostalgia-- just a side note)...

Anway, I hope I can handle school again someday...maybe...hopefully...I almost feel like I'm too old now! :O ...

Let's Talk About the Time I Had a Blood Transfusion and almost Died! :)

Yippie! :).... Can you sense my joy?.. and by the way, I apologize for my crankiness in my last post...I was feeling a bit... uh...."emotional"....

Anyway, when I was 21 years old I had to have a blood transfusion, as the result of my eating disorder. (Yeah, this is back when I actually had health insurance)....I was pretty athletic back then, I was a runner. I was suddenly feeling tired, my legs were "giving out on me"...I remember going on a run, and almost collapsing. I had to sit down for a moment because my legs gave out. (and before this, when I was healthier, I would run like 5 miles a day). When I walked up the stairs at college, I would bend over and gasp for breath after 6 flights of stairs. (again, a girl who used to run 30 minutes to an hour a day-- a few flights of stairs should be nothing....)....

I told my therapist about how my legs felt so tired, and how I would pant at the top of the stairs. She was immediately concerned. (She actually used to be a nurse, before pursing a PhD in therapy). She called someone she knew at a local hospital, and I had an appointment shortly thereafter. Diagnosis-- SEVERE anemia. My hemoglobin was 4 point something...It's supposed to be a MINIMUM of 12....(these are red blood cells that help carry oxygen to your muscles or something)...

Because of the apparent severity of my anemia, I had to have a blood transfusion. According to my Dad, I was about a month away from death. He said this is what the doctor told him. I have no idea if this is true, or if he just said this to scare me. I felt very "wrong" though, I will say that. I felt so weak.

Was there something going on in the cosmos? Just a day or two later the "Columbine" shootings took place. I remember being at home, "recovering" from my transfusion, when the Columbine massacre took place. (Which was both fucked up, and yet sickly fascinating)... .The world is so fucked....

The aftermath of my blood transfusion was scary. I suddenly had 2 extra bags of blood in me-- which is a lot of extra liquid. I could feel my heartbeat in my ears...I had too much liquid, which I guess I had to pee out or something...I couldn't lie down. I had to be propped up in bed with a few pillows because of the physical pain and pressure of having all this extra liquid in me. ... After the blood transfusion I was up to a hemoglobin (or is it hematocrit?) of 8...enough to take me out of the MEGA danger zone.... after this I had to take iron supplements for some time to get it back up to 12.

So I dodged that bullet. I can't run anymore-- because 2 or 3 years later I went semi insane and destroyed my knees-- long story... but I'm still here. My legs have recently been feeling mildly weak. I am concerned I may be mildly anemic, but have no way of knowing, because I have no health care, nor can I get it because of my medical history. I started taking iron supplements again. I hope I'm not on the fucking verge of death....

Tyring to Make Peace With "The One Who Got Away"

Ah yes, back to Jeremy. Days later I am still thinking about this, and still trying to figure out why it is bothering me so much. Here is the conclusion I have come to:

1) I want what I can't have (I have always been like this-- the grass is always greener...)
2) He is seriously, probably the nicest person I have met in my life. Seriously.
3) He is a "stable" type-- ya know (not likely to go on a drinking/drugging binge and lose his job)
4) He saw the best in me when no other guys did (the "diamond in the rough" comment)
5) He would be an excellent father (and I'm sure he is with his baby he now has)
6) I miss his friendship-- he was fun, kind, and enjoyable
7) The fact that he found another woman makes me feel rejected....(I know, I know...but it DOES)
8) He is one of the funniest people I have ever met
9) I want what I can't have....

I'm sure there are more reasons, but these are the first things that pop into my head. I wonder if he ever thinks of me. I think about people from my past all the time...then again I have no life...I still wonder though....I miss him :( I can't have him :(....I wish I would have appreciated him back when it would have made a difference....he's happy now though. I'm glad for that. Just knowing that a person like him exists, somewhere in the world, makes me happy.