Starting Over

This is what I am trying to do anyway, in terms of career and lifestyle. I don't like the way my life has gone in the last decade, well...the last 20 years to be precise. Lets just say things definitely have gone down hill in my adult life, and it's time to pick up the pieces again. Time to figure out the career stuff, and eat better and drink less. Interestingly enough, drinking helped cut down on my bulimia...I guess it's not necessarily a good thing to replace one vice with another, however, given the bulimia almost killed me in my early 20's I guess I should take any improvement I can get. I only throw up a couple of times a week now. I used to throw up 10 times a day at my worst, and even 2 years ago I was still at 5 times per day. Now to cut down on the booze. Living with Sam is helping with that. And the fact that I have no money. And the fact that Josh probably thinks I am insane. These things are enough to keep the partying in check. I want a good life. I want a good job, a house, a husband, and maybe a kid or two. I realize I won't have these things though unless I lead a healthier lifestyle and get my shit together. I think I am finally ready to be an adult. Kind of sad to say for a 31 year old...but better late than never. (I had some delays in life I guess)....maybe I should just start taking classes and see if something clicks...

I Finally am Getting My Hearing...

For my disability case...For anyone who is not farmiliar with me-- I am a fucked up artist who makes no money. I actually used to be on disability when I was in my early to mid 20's because of my depression/anxiety/bulima...etc...and other assorted issues. I had to be in an eating disorder clinic a couple of times, and also had to hae a blood transfusion once because I was severly anemic....anyway, the long and short of it is I went of disability in my mid twenties because I wanted to try and be "normal."

It didn't work. I pretty much had problems at most of the many jobs I have had since then, as a result of my "problems." For instance, my last full time job I had a couple of panic attacks, started crying, and was subsequently fired. (although a few months after the fact)...then last summer I lost another job because I have trouble concentrating and keep making stupid mistakes...

So I reapplied for disability and got rejected. They said they took my age and education level into consideration. (I only have a bachelor's degree-- and it's useless)!!!-- fine art...Anyway, they also said they found no evidence that I have ever had a disability...Uh...I used to be on disability....dumbasses...there are obviously missing records.

So I got a lawyer, and my hearing is in mid-May. Then at least I can figure out where to proceed from here...It's been 2 years already!!!

Exhibit A: Report Card from 12th Grade...

This is one of the reasons my Dad gets kind of pissed at me. He says he doesn't understand how someone could do so well in school, yet not be able to do something with one's life. (ie: go to graduate school, and or get or hold a job)-- bear in mind I've mostly worked in coffee shops since graduating college, for a mere $7.50 an hour....(and actually I wish I still had one of those jobs-- currently unemployed)...

Anyway, what he does not understand, is that I have severe anxiety, (social and general), bulimia, as well as severe depression, a hairpulling problem which leaves me looking rather "odd," and also a dose of paranoia...not schizo paranoia, but paranoid that I suck and will lose my job. (and this HAS happened before)...

What I am trying to say here, is that academic success at a young age does not mean one will be successful in life. You need to take into consideration emotional IQ-- which is something I lack. (perhaps there is a reason my ex refers to me as "short bus")-- sorry, very un-PC, but you know what I mean.

Kinda Freaking Out...

About money, the future, my lack of job skills, the economy...etc...

To update those who have never read my blog before-- I am kinda fucked up and have a pending disability case. I used to be on disabiltiy in my early 20's for depression, bulimia, anxiety, and OCD. I wanted to be "normal" so I went of disability for a job that paid $10 per hour-- REAL fucking smart...but what do you know when you are 26?

So I jumped around from job to job, because of my "problems" and ending up getting fired at age 29 by the white trash queen of the century. (seriously-- teenage pregnancy, horrible grammar, leopard underwear that stuck out when she bent over, fancy hair, but missing teeth in the back...)

After this experience I filed for disability and moved across the country with my alcoholic ex-boyfriend. Oddly enough, even though I used to be on disabilty, I kind of "fell through the cracks" and was unable to get back on...I reapplied and was denied. It is now in the court systems and I won't know for like another 9 months probably...I'm kinda freaking out.

I have way too many problems to hold full time employment. My outlook is not good. Not sure what I am gonna do once I am 50 with no one to help. I would much prefer to be self- sufficient, but I havent' been able to pull it off in my entire life. I wil most likely end up dead on the street...not good...

Am I Fat?

I think this is a topic many people struggle with...for those of us with eating disorders it's a very fucked up issue...

I have been bulimic for roughly 12 years now...so I don't even know what "normal" is...All I know is what feels "comfortable."....When I get over 120 I do not feel "comfortable,"...I feel fucking fat...I felt my best at 110, but as I've gotten older I find it difficult to keep my wieght down. When I was younger, I was not comfortable over 113...but I'm not 20 anymore...

Here are some more reasons I find it hard to keep my weight down:
1) I'm older and not as obsessed with excercise
2) I like high calorie alcholic beverages (a new thing in the last couple of years)
3) Now that I'm getting older and have some lines and a few grays it's a losing
battle anyway...I'm pretty much fucked no matter what I do....
4) perhaps my metabolism is slowing down some...

So on a related note, I weighed myself today for the first time in a few weeks...I don't have a scale at home, and only wieght myself at one of the local grocery stores...Yes, odd as it may seem, one of the local grocery stores has a scale-- maybe they think it will help sell diet food???? I weighed in at 117 1/2...So I only gained 1 1/2 pounds since last time...I still hate being this large. I want to be 110...It's just such a nice number...I don't know if I can pull it off though, with the odds stacked against me...

The fact that I am so fucking depressed today might help though...

Well I Was Losing Weight, But Now I am Getting Fat again...

So I was doing OK on my diet for a while. I gained 7 pounds in the last year, and over the course of the last 3 months, managed to lose 5 or 6 of those pounds...I have not weighed myself in a couple of weeks, but I know I have gained some of it back because my stomach looks fatter and I feel bloated...

Whenever my family is in town, like they were last weekend (well one family member anyway), I always end up boozing for like 4 days in a row on high calorie alcholic beverages...and now I've gained a few...DAMN IT!!!!!!

I hate getting older and getting fatter. I technically still have an eating disorder (bulimia), but the alcohol and lack of excercise is not helping me maintain my weight...I do excercise, just not as much. And I do like "cocktail hour"-- it helps sooth my nerves...it's making me fucking fat though, so maybe I should just have margaritas on the weekend of something...CRAP!!!

Dwelling on the Past..(again...Big Surprise)...

Yeah...here I go again...

I don't know what brought in on exactly...Maybe it has been the recent "stuff" about the other guy...or maybe it was the tequila I was drinking tonight...

But to make a long story short-- I found myself on You Tube...AGAIN...listening to nostaligic music from my college years...Perhaps it was because I was more innocent then...more pure...less...corrupt?....

I keep thinking to those times when I was cute and sweet and unadulterated...Not that life was perfect then, becausee it wasn't-- belive me...I was HIGHLY eating disordered...Nonetheless, I was young, thin, athletic, artistic, and had hope...Now I'm getting older, I've lost my creative edge, I have chronic tendonitis, and I feel less desirable....Not to mention I am often in a shitty mood...

I know it is not a good idea to find one's self worth through others. I am a logical, albeit, emotional person. I don't know what to do with all these feelings really, except perhaps create more art from it. Most of my art is a creation of my pain. (I obviously don't show it here for anonymity reasons, but you catch my drift)...

Anyway, I apologize if I am rambling, I am half drunk...I enjoy writing in this blog on my "drunk" nights :)...Here is a video representing the college years. It fucks with my head in certain ways..(eating disordered and all-- although, I dont' look it these days-- I have no will power to be "skinny"...I look more thin/average now)...But this song was in when I was in college. I listened to it a lot right after I parted ways with Jeremy and what's his face....It makes me feel sad somehow...

I no longer have the will power to be skinny...

Maybe it's because I'm getting older...or maybe it's because I've given up hope...I don't know..the only thing I do know is my metabolism has slowed some in the last year or two...yeah, hitting 30 fucking sucks...

I should not go to that "certain guy's" facebook page-- Jeremy, I belive I am calling him...or his wife's page...I can't even get a close up but it is obvious she is TINY!!!!! This was obvisous the one time I met her like 10 years ago when I was on the verge of death and I was like 100 pounds...(by the way, I'm much heavier than that now)...from her pic she couldnt' be more than 110...she' pretty , smart, and married to the one that got away...oh FUcK!!!!!... she was even in the alumni magazine...someone kill me now...well, I have no health care, so there is hope I might get cancer and it will go undetected until I am a week from death...

FUCK!!!!!! :O .....

Another Fabulous Round of Insomnia...

Can you sense my sarcasm?...

I have been up since 6 AM. I have no reason to be up this early...it is now 9:30 AM. I was lying in bed and feeling shitty about my general life situation, and just couldn't fall back asleep. So I got up, ate a carton of strawberry pop tarts, puked, and surfed the net. Why? Because I have no life, and have been rather depressed for the last week.

Why depressed?...I've been this way since I was about 14. It runs in the family. But also, there are those special enviromental factors psychologists love to talk about! :) Let's just say I was picked on a lot in adolescence, and somehow never got over it. Yes, it was a long time ago, but my brain never appropriately adapted or something. Little things get to me, and I have trouble getting over the little things. I obsess, I dwell...and when I do these things I get depressed As a result I have a serious lack of motivation and difficulty staying focused on the task at hand.

I've been thinking a lot about "Jeremy" lately. I've been thinking about his perfect life, with his pefect wife, and their perfect baby. I can't help but notice his perfect wife, (who somewhat resembles me), is prettier, potentially skinnier, looks a lot younger than her age, and is most certainly smarter. (You know, the type with a very important job at a young age). I wish I could have that life. As it stands, I will most likely die at a young age, single, because I am a depressive and have no health insurance. I hope I don't get cancer.

Let's Talk About the Time I Had a Blood Transfusion and almost Died! :)

Yippie! :).... Can you sense my joy?.. and by the way, I apologize for my crankiness in my last post...I was feeling a bit... uh...."emotional"....

Anyway, when I was 21 years old I had to have a blood transfusion, as the result of my eating disorder. (Yeah, this is back when I actually had health insurance)....I was pretty athletic back then, I was a runner. I was suddenly feeling tired, my legs were "giving out on me"...I remember going on a run, and almost collapsing. I had to sit down for a moment because my legs gave out. (and before this, when I was healthier, I would run like 5 miles a day). When I walked up the stairs at college, I would bend over and gasp for breath after 6 flights of stairs. (again, a girl who used to run 30 minutes to an hour a day-- a few flights of stairs should be nothing....)....

I told my therapist about how my legs felt so tired, and how I would pant at the top of the stairs. She was immediately concerned. (She actually used to be a nurse, before pursing a PhD in therapy). She called someone she knew at a local hospital, and I had an appointment shortly thereafter. Diagnosis-- SEVERE anemia. My hemoglobin was 4 point something...It's supposed to be a MINIMUM of 12....(these are red blood cells that help carry oxygen to your muscles or something)...

Because of the apparent severity of my anemia, I had to have a blood transfusion. According to my Dad, I was about a month away from death. He said this is what the doctor told him. I have no idea if this is true, or if he just said this to scare me. I felt very "wrong" though, I will say that. I felt so weak.

Was there something going on in the cosmos? Just a day or two later the "Columbine" shootings took place. I remember being at home, "recovering" from my transfusion, when the Columbine massacre took place. (Which was both fucked up, and yet sickly fascinating)... .The world is so fucked....

The aftermath of my blood transfusion was scary. I suddenly had 2 extra bags of blood in me-- which is a lot of extra liquid. I could feel my heartbeat in my ears...I had too much liquid, which I guess I had to pee out or something...I couldn't lie down. I had to be propped up in bed with a few pillows because of the physical pain and pressure of having all this extra liquid in me. ... After the blood transfusion I was up to a hemoglobin (or is it hematocrit?) of 8...enough to take me out of the MEGA danger zone.... after this I had to take iron supplements for some time to get it back up to 12.

So I dodged that bullet. I can't run anymore-- because 2 or 3 years later I went semi insane and destroyed my knees-- long story... but I'm still here. My legs have recently been feeling mildly weak. I am concerned I may be mildly anemic, but have no way of knowing, because I have no health care, nor can I get it because of my medical history. I started taking iron supplements again. I hope I'm not on the fucking verge of death....

My Former Classmates are Doctors!...Lets Celebrate With Alcohol....

Yes, it is true...They are medical doctors, they are PhD doctors...and they are also lawyers...Me?....I am unemployed and just have a crappy bachelor's degree. Why? Because it was too difficult to pursue further schooling, with my issues of depression, anxiety, and bulimia...(I can't even hold a fucking full time job).

I thought I would celebrate being a loser by enjoying some fine liquer....I had determined 2 months ago my love affair with lady Amaretto must come to and end (as she was making me fat)--lots of calories in that shit...But anyway, I decided to splurge, and go for one more round. (For the record I've gained 7 pounds this year, which is quite noticable on a 5'4 frame)...I have lost 4 of those pounds though, in the last month)...I am slowly getting back to the lower end of average on the body mass index thingie...

By the way, this is another "facebook" post...I recently discovered (and not to my surprise) that a guy friend of mine from the dorms freshman year, is now a medical doctor...Let's call him Gacey the Clown....(he does have a disturbing giggle, and I am running out of aliases for people)...

This was a guy who was very into science, obviously intelligent and was also very into "himself"...you know what I mean?...turns out he still is...No, don't get me wrong, he is a nice guy. He just has a certain way of communicating with me, where it's almost condescending...

For example...one of his friends was one of the few guys to ever kind of "come on" to me in college...When I asked this Gacey the Clown about said friend, and mentioned jokingly that he was always coming on to me, (always talking about his "seed" and such) Gacey's response was "yeah whatever,"...and then he went on rambling about his residency some more...(he said "yeah whatever" in that YEAH right kind of way...

Lovely....Needless to say, I won't be searching for many other friends from my past on Facebook-- too deppresing. (For the record, I've only added like 3, and about 10 have added me-- why? I have no fucking idea-- these people never gave me the time of day back in highg school)...

I might have to delete my facebook account...I'm just so curious about everyone else though!...I'll keep ya posted...

I'm Getting a Beer Gut

I like alcohol. I won't lie about this. I actually didn't start drinking until I was in my mid 20's. Probably a good thing I guess ;)...Knowing myself, and my obsessivensess, and my tendencies..

Over the last year I have got a bit of a "beer gut"...actually more like a tequila and vodka gut..but you know what I'm talkin about right?.... :O ...

This, er...gut...is fucking with my head...I used to have a pretty fucked up eating disorder....I'm in a normal weight range for my height currently...but it is fucking with my head...I was "thin" until the last year...Perhaps it's because my metabolism is finally slowing...or maybe it's because alcohol has a lot of fucking calories....Honestly, I think that's what it is...

Let's just say I'm drinking enough to make me mellow some nights, and enough to make me fat. I don't like that I'm not as "taught" as I used to be. As much as I like boozing-- it does relax me and all-- I may have to cut back. I don't want to be a fucking heffer. It's funny...I don't mind if others are over weight...but I just dont' want to be myself..you know?..I feel like a horrible person. Why should I care if I get fat?

Why does there have to be so many damn calories in booze? :(