Perhaps I am the Problem...

For a large portion of my life I thought everyone else was the problem. A common thought, correct?

But how could the whole world, with over 5 billion people be in the wrong, and I be in the right? (sorry if this was not stated in proper English by the way)...granted this is a broad generalization-- but you know what I mean.

I lost my childhood friends. Maybe it wasn't cause they were snobby, maybe it was because I was hyper and obnoxious. The boys in college didn't take interest in me-- maybe it wasn't because they were arrogant-- maybe it was cause I dressed like a little tomboy and had no self esteem. I had problems at most crappy paying jobs I've had since college-- maybe the people weren't all totatlly stupid/inept (though some definitely were to some degree)-- maybe it was because I was an arrogant little shit who thought I was better than the job. (A degree from a good university doesn't mean shit I have discovered if it's just in art and you have no job skills)...

Basically, I am over myself. I have realized I had an ego, and perhaps I shouldn't have. I am a little fish in a huge pond now. Insted of a medium sized fish in a little one...ya know...but how do I put this realization to use?

I haven't figured that out totally, except I am slightly more humbled perhaps. Still feeling sorry for myself, but humbled nonetheless...

Leaving Home...(for the first time)

For some reason this popped into my head tonight....I think it's becauase I was watching a movie that happend to feature college age people...

I will never forget the afternoon I left home for college. I was in the downstairs of our split level home, and looking out the back window. I was trying not to cry hysterically. I was scared shitless. I am an introvert. I don't make friends easily. I don't like new things. I am a chicken shit. Anyway I was teary eyed and all. I did cry...but I tried to keep it "quiet."...And then I heard my Dad at the top of the stairs say it was time to go....

I don't know if he knew I was crying. He probably did. Parents know those things i think. He dropped me at my dorm or something (I dont' recall the details about that part)...and before we got there he bought me a sandwich from a gas station, which I later at for dinner. Also, I went to the student union that afternoon, meeting no one of course...but I do recall calling my Dad from the union, that first night from home.

This post isn't particularly relevant to anything in my life currently, other than the fact that I am currently very far from home. (I moved across the country awhile back and it's just kinda strange- both good and bad)...

It was so traumatic for me to go to college as an undergrad, yet college was only like 30 minutes from home! :O...funny...

Facebook Tortures me...

yeah, it's so nice to see how far everyone has come, and all the grand things people are doing...

and for the record, I am in introvert and generally against such sights. I just joined because my boyfriend made me... :0

Anyway...I looked up "Jeremy" on facebook...if you recall...he was the one who "got away" back in college, is now married to a sucessful, intelligent woman, who somewhat resembles me physically...

And they have a beautiful daugher. I don't have access to all their info, but the wife used the daughter as an avatar. She is so lovely. I am happy for him. He deserves that...I know also, I could never have given him that stability or happiness, as i have so many fucking problems....I can't help be a little sad though...a little envious...for that "normal" life I most likely will never have...

Dwelling on the Past..(again...Big Surprise)...

Yeah...here I go again...

I don't know what brought in on exactly...Maybe it has been the recent "stuff" about the other guy...or maybe it was the tequila I was drinking tonight...

But to make a long story short-- I found myself on You Tube...AGAIN...listening to nostaligic music from my college years...Perhaps it was because I was more innocent then...more pure...less...corrupt?....

I keep thinking to those times when I was cute and sweet and unadulterated...Not that life was perfect then, becausee it wasn't-- belive me...I was HIGHLY eating disordered...Nonetheless, I was young, thin, athletic, artistic, and had hope...Now I'm getting older, I've lost my creative edge, I have chronic tendonitis, and I feel less desirable....Not to mention I am often in a shitty mood...

I know it is not a good idea to find one's self worth through others. I am a logical, albeit, emotional person. I don't know what to do with all these feelings really, except perhaps create more art from it. Most of my art is a creation of my pain. (I obviously don't show it here for anonymity reasons, but you catch my drift)...

Anyway, I apologize if I am rambling, I am half drunk...I enjoy writing in this blog on my "drunk" nights :)...Here is a video representing the college years. It fucks with my head in certain ways..(eating disordered and all-- although, I dont' look it these days-- I have no will power to be "skinny"...I look more thin/average now)...But this song was in when I was in college. I listened to it a lot right after I parted ways with Jeremy and what's his face....It makes me feel sad somehow...

Why Do I Want What I Can't Have?...Part 2...

Sorry part 2 has taken a while...I've been feeling shitty depressed lately and have little to no motivation...(and yes, my boyfriend and my Dad are still paying the bills)...I'm a winner! :D ...anyway...

I still find myself wanting "Jeremy" the sweet guy from college, who kind of liked me, but I pushed him away...to any new readers...I pushed him away because he was kind of socially awkward, like myself in a way...which at a young age naturally freaked me out...now I regret ever pushing him away...he saw the good in me what I though I was shit...gee, I guess some things never change..

To make matters worse, and to make my regrets worse, I recently discovered (via internet naturally) that he and his wife are basically "soul mates."...FUCK!!!!

I discovered this because I like to google him sometimes, because I'm all nostalgic like that, and I have no life. I found a blog, by someone in his "circle", so to speak, and in this blog it talked about how he and his wife have this cute baby...blah blah blah...(PUT THE FUCKING KNIFE IN MY HEART RIGHT NOW)...and how they make each other whole or some crap like that...which unfortunatley is most likey true and it really pisses me off that I was too young and stupid to appreciate him when I had him. He was always so kind to me, never lost pacience with me, so on and so forth...I really enjoyed his sense of humor as well. A dry and intelligent sense of humor...He did an amazing Christopher Walken impression as well..

Well, he apparently is with his soul mate now, who looks like me, but is aging better, and they have a baby...FUCK!!!!!

Ok, I need to go and drink more now...

Why do I Want What I can't Have?... (Part 1)...

I have a feeling this will be a series... :O...

Tonight I stumbled upon an avatar out there on the internet (somewhere I often am)...and the dude looked just like "Mike"...I don't know how many regular readers I have here...but "Mike" was the guy I was obsessed with in college who totally toyed with my emotions...(not to be confused with "Jeremy", the total sweetheart-- the one who got away, who now has a kid)....

Mike was a very confident individual. I would say only average in terms of physical atrractiveness, but he totally led me on...Or it least, to a 19 year old, it felt that way. He taught me seductively how to tango, he let me draw him naked, I slept overnight at his house...yet he talked about "other girls" and had no apparent romantic interest in me...I often felt I was there to boost his ego. Asshole!...Attractive asshole...

I believe in retrospect I may have been drawn to his confidence..or maybe just because he didn't want me...I feel like if I saw him toda though, I still might have feelings..grossly enough...just based on my reaction this look alike avatar! :O...

Why do I still kind of want this guy! AHH!!! %^$#!!#$$

I no longer have the will power to be skinny...

Maybe it's because I'm getting older...or maybe it's because I've given up hope...I don't know..the only thing I do know is my metabolism has slowed some in the last year or two...yeah, hitting 30 fucking sucks...

I should not go to that "certain guy's" facebook page-- Jeremy, I belive I am calling him...or his wife's page...I can't even get a close up but it is obvious she is TINY!!!!! This was obvisous the one time I met her like 10 years ago when I was on the verge of death and I was like 100 pounds...(by the way, I'm much heavier than that now)...from her pic she couldnt' be more than 110...she' pretty , smart, and married to the one that got away...oh FUcK!!!!!... she was even in the alumni magazine...someone kill me now...well, I have no health care, so there is hope I might get cancer and it will go undetected until I am a week from death...

FUCK!!!!!! :O .....

So I Really Wish I Could Go Back to School Again...

I know I can't handle the stress though. Most grad schools for fine art require you to go full time, and this is not something I can do. I know this because I tried, and it didn't work. I only lasted a few days....(It also wasn't that great of a school though, so maybe that had something to do with it). Even as an undergrad I had to go part time though, because of my inability to handle stress...

There is a part of me that won't feel complete unless I get an MFA. As stupid and impractacle as that may sound, it's just something I really, really WANT...I've been out of the loop for so long now it would be hard to get into a good school. (Even if I could handle the stress)...The school I actually got into, when I tried, was my last choice.

It hit me again yesterday, the wanting to be in school. I was on a walk, and I looked up and saw this old red, brick building. It looked like the some of the buildings from my undergrad university, and there was a slight breeze. The physical sensation of it all gave me this deja vu thing for fall semester of my freshman year of college. That whole scene-- the building, the breeze, some 18 year old looking kid tossing a football, reminded me of that time. (and by the way jocks annoy me so that wasn't particularly related to the nostalgia-- just a side note)...

Anway, I hope I can handle school again someday...maybe...hopefully...I almost feel like I'm too old now! :O ...

My Former Classmates are Doctors!...Lets Celebrate With Alcohol....

Yes, it is true...They are medical doctors, they are PhD doctors...and they are also lawyers...Me?....I am unemployed and just have a crappy bachelor's degree. Why? Because it was too difficult to pursue further schooling, with my issues of depression, anxiety, and bulimia...(I can't even hold a fucking full time job).

I thought I would celebrate being a loser by enjoying some fine liquer....I had determined 2 months ago my love affair with lady Amaretto must come to and end (as she was making me fat)--lots of calories in that shit...But anyway, I decided to splurge, and go for one more round. (For the record I've gained 7 pounds this year, which is quite noticable on a 5'4 frame)...I have lost 4 of those pounds though, in the last month)...I am slowly getting back to the lower end of average on the body mass index thingie...

By the way, this is another "facebook" post...I recently discovered (and not to my surprise) that a guy friend of mine from the dorms freshman year, is now a medical doctor...Let's call him Gacey the Clown....(he does have a disturbing giggle, and I am running out of aliases for people)...

This was a guy who was very into science, obviously intelligent and was also very into "himself"...you know what I mean?...turns out he still is...No, don't get me wrong, he is a nice guy. He just has a certain way of communicating with me, where it's almost condescending...

For example...one of his friends was one of the few guys to ever kind of "come on" to me in college...When I asked this Gacey the Clown about said friend, and mentioned jokingly that he was always coming on to me, (always talking about his "seed" and such) Gacey's response was "yeah whatever,"...and then he went on rambling about his residency some more...(he said "yeah whatever" in that YEAH right kind of way...

Lovely....Needless to say, I won't be searching for many other friends from my past on Facebook-- too deppresing. (For the record, I've only added like 3, and about 10 have added me-- why? I have no fucking idea-- these people never gave me the time of day back in highg school)...

I might have to delete my facebook account...I'm just so curious about everyone else though!...I'll keep ya posted...

Not Doing too good Tonight...

I'm thinking about too many things...the past, my family...people I know, and people I knew...I need to get rid of the nostalgic streak, but it haunts me...Not to be melodramatic, but it really does...I suppose it doesn't help that I've been listening to you tube videos all night...think Alanis Morissette, Willie Nelson, and Anne Murray...

Yes, I know, potentially self indulgent and pathetic, but in a strange way...it makes me feel better...the songs I listen to, I listen to for a specific reason...the remind me of a time in my life, a certain feeling...you know? There's something about music that does that. It transports me back in time-- Alanis Morissette to my late teen years and early 20's...Willie and Anne to my childhood years...when my mother was still here...I don't remember her well, but I know she loved me. I wish she was still here. I know she loved me. I don't know how, but I just know. And my Dad told me she kind of favored me...then she offed herself. Maybe that's why I'm so fucked up. I'm very introspective and I know how I feel. I usually know why I feel the way I feel. It doesn't change things though. It doesnt' make things better....Maybe I should paint about it. I just miss them.

PS: this is a sketch from long ago...I did this in Jeremy's dorm room...

Tyring to Make Peace With "The One Who Got Away"

Ah yes, back to Jeremy. Days later I am still thinking about this, and still trying to figure out why it is bothering me so much. Here is the conclusion I have come to:

1) I want what I can't have (I have always been like this-- the grass is always greener...)
2) He is seriously, probably the nicest person I have met in my life. Seriously.
3) He is a "stable" type-- ya know (not likely to go on a drinking/drugging binge and lose his job)
4) He saw the best in me when no other guys did (the "diamond in the rough" comment)
5) He would be an excellent father (and I'm sure he is with his baby he now has)
6) I miss his friendship-- he was fun, kind, and enjoyable
7) The fact that he found another woman makes me feel rejected....(I know, I know...but it DOES)
8) He is one of the funniest people I have ever met
9) I want what I can't have....

I'm sure there are more reasons, but these are the first things that pop into my head. I wonder if he ever thinks of me. I think about people from my past all the time...then again I have no life...I still wonder though....I miss him :( I can't have him :(....I wish I would have appreciated him back when it would have made a difference....he's happy now though. I'm glad for that. Just knowing that a person like him exists, somewhere in the world, makes me happy.

The One Who Got Away

We all have one of these right?...I happen to have 3 of them...true, 2 of them are from my childhood, which is VERY pathetic...but I like to hold on to my sweet childhood memories-- it's a time when I was happier and still had hope...

Anyway, the fella you see here, is the one I am referring to in this post. (And for the record, the picture doesn't look like him)...For the sake of anonymity, lets call him "Jeremy."...

Jeremy was someone I met when I was a freshman in college. He was very much a sweetheart, though somewhat socialy awkward, much like myself. I think this is what turned me off at the time...anyone like me must suck and not be worth my time...romantically speaking at least...

So naturally I spent my time being completely infatuated with his good friend, who I'll refer to as "Mike."...Mike was overly confident, and pretty average in most ways-- other than his overinflated ego, his well off family, and decent grades...

At the time I didn't understand just what I may have been doing to Jeremy...I told him about all the guys I was interested in of course...even though I knew he had feelings for me...I can't recall exactly how I knew this...I think Mike may have illuded to it...and also during a heartfelt conversation once, Jeremy told me I was "a diamond in the rough."...This is one of the best compliments I have ever received.

I lost touch with Jeremy after only 2 years of friendship. I was too busy feeling sorry for myself, and the rejection I was feeling from Mike, to spend time with any of them. A year or two later I found out that Jeremy had met someone...and once I saw her in person...she actually looked a lot like me! :O...that was very interesting...I would like to think she was his "replacement" for me, but that would be just completely narcisistic...Perhaps I was the "precursor" to her...She was the one he ultimately needed to be with, and perhaps I was a "hint" of what was to come, and what was better for him.

I found out they got married. And I just found out the had a child. There is no going back. He is no longer available...Perhaps he never was, even when he "technically" was... When a man starts a family with another women, he is no longer available...and if he makes himself available, (unless he is divorced), he is most likely a cad anyway...

Jeremy was kind to me, and saw the best in me when I was young, when nobody else did. I know he is the one who got away...and I think I knew this shortly after I left the friendship. I know though, that he is much better off without me. I could never had made him happy.