Where I'm at

I'm trying to focus on me right now. For the last couple of years since my ex-fiance and I broke up I have been desperately trying to please and/or find another man. This has not served me well. In fact, it has distracted me, and prevented me from fully functioning and reaching my desired goals...It has led me down a self destructive path of self loathing, partying, and depression...fuck that. It's time for me now.

So here's what I'm doing:

1) going back to school this summer...I'm going to try and get a second bachelor's degree in nursing (the first one was in art 10 years ago)...I was accepted at a local college as a post-bac pre-nursing major...just gotta take 6 more classed, do well in them, and then I'm in the program...

2) trying not to let my problems hold me back. I have a disability (depression, anxiety, bulimia, and hairpulling)...but maybe if I was self sufficient it would be good for my self esteem, and these problems would lessen...I am pretty damn sure there have been people with greater obstacles who have achieved more. Let them be an inspiration to me and others :)

3) trying to be ok with being alone. I need to focus on me now. I can't make anyone else happy if I am not ok with myself. If the man of my dreams walks into my life, I won't push him away, but i AM NOT ON THE HUNT. I need to try to improve me...too much wasted time the last few years on others...

4) leading a healthier lifestyle...I'm exercizing a lot, taking vitamins, and partying less...not hanging so much with my alcoholic ex is helping with this-- I've made new friends who are healthier for me

5) trying not to be such a perfectionist. Being ok is good enough. I just want to be content with moments of happiness...I don't have to be Picasso..I just want to be self sufficient, and perhaps have a hubby??? Later though, I understand :)

we will see how this all goes...

Where I'm At...

I have been abnormally depressed lately...(as in staying in bed depressed). My depressions were always anxious and fidgety when I was young, now they just leave me feeling tired. I prefer being tired and depressed to being anxious though.

I finally got my disability check. I am very thankful for this help from the government, but I also feel like a loser. It's strange-- I don't mind at all if someone else needs disability, but I am very hard on myself. I would like to have some type of gainful employment (as they call it), but I am just not currently capable of working full time. My anxiety levels are quite bad, and my bulimia has gotten a bit worse in the last 2 weeks...

The demise of my relationship with the guy I was dating is making it all worse. He gave me all this crap about how he couldn't be involved with my cause he was leaving for Iraq, he can't trust anyone-- blah balh balh...so he said he though we should just be friends. A day or two after he dumps me he starts dating a 22 year old who he falls madly in love with-- and she in turn, after 3 weeks of dating him, decides to get back with her ex. (karma :)....then again, maybe the 22 year old got back together with my former duded. Who knows, we no longer have contact. I am sad.

I was supposed to take a couple of classes at the tech school in a couple of weeks, but I am not sure if I am up for it, or would even like it. (CNA stuff). I got the idea from taking care of my gramma. I don't know, we'll see

I am Overwhelmingly Frustrated with my Current Situation...

I am not sure what to do at this point. I feel as though I am at a crossroads. I always feel this way though...Seriously, there is a reason why this blog is called "What's Wrong With Me."...

According to the psychiatrist I saw at the free clinic, what's wrong with me is that I have re-occurring major drepssion, generalized anxiety disorder, and bulimia. In the past I had more labels as well....I fucking hate labels, so I'm glad I dont' have as many as I used to...anyhoo...

I feel restless. I can't concentrate. I can't get anything done. I am too busy obsessing about my love life-- or lack there of, or what I should REALLY be doing with my life. I love the "idea" of being an artist, but I am a very practical person, and desire a steady paycheck. Alas, with a bachelor's degree in fine art, I'm not sure what my other options are-- other than retail...and I fucking hate retail...I am too introverted to be sales person...I hope I get me disability benefits back. I'm not as fucked up as when I got them the first time, but I'm still fucked up, so there is hope.

I don't intend it to be a permanent solution though. I want to be a productive person and do something with myself. I think it would help me though for now, as I am struggling in various ways....I am not really functioning like a normal person to tell you the truth. I can balance my budget, and make a sandwhich, but that's about it...

Maybe someday when I am more stable I will go back to school for another degree. I'm just not sure for what exactly. I have a passion for medical science, but I suck at science. I absolutely love animals, but again, I suck at science....maybe I should be an accountant...I'm good at math...or at least I used to be...

I Finally am Getting My Hearing...

For my disability case...For anyone who is not farmiliar with me-- I am a fucked up artist who makes no money. I actually used to be on disability when I was in my early to mid 20's because of my depression/anxiety/bulima...etc...and other assorted issues. I had to be in an eating disorder clinic a couple of times, and also had to hae a blood transfusion once because I was severly anemic....anyway, the long and short of it is I went of disability in my mid twenties because I wanted to try and be "normal."

It didn't work. I pretty much had problems at most of the many jobs I have had since then, as a result of my "problems." For instance, my last full time job I had a couple of panic attacks, started crying, and was subsequently fired. (although a few months after the fact)...then last summer I lost another job because I have trouble concentrating and keep making stupid mistakes...

So I reapplied for disability and got rejected. They said they took my age and education level into consideration. (I only have a bachelor's degree-- and it's useless)!!!-- fine art...Anyway, they also said they found no evidence that I have ever had a disability...Uh...I used to be on disability....dumbasses...there are obviously missing records.

So I got a lawyer, and my hearing is in mid-May. Then at least I can figure out where to proceed from here...It's been 2 years already!!!

Kinda Freaking Out...

About money, the future, my lack of job skills, the economy...etc...

To update those who have never read my blog before-- I am kinda fucked up and have a pending disability case. I used to be on disabiltiy in my early 20's for depression, bulimia, anxiety, and OCD. I wanted to be "normal" so I went of disability for a job that paid $10 per hour-- REAL fucking smart...but what do you know when you are 26?

So I jumped around from job to job, because of my "problems" and ending up getting fired at age 29 by the white trash queen of the century. (seriously-- teenage pregnancy, horrible grammar, leopard underwear that stuck out when she bent over, fancy hair, but missing teeth in the back...)

After this experience I filed for disability and moved across the country with my alcoholic ex-boyfriend. Oddly enough, even though I used to be on disabilty, I kind of "fell through the cracks" and was unable to get back on...I reapplied and was denied. It is now in the court systems and I won't know for like another 9 months probably...I'm kinda freaking out.

I have way too many problems to hold full time employment. My outlook is not good. Not sure what I am gonna do once I am 50 with no one to help. I would much prefer to be self- sufficient, but I havent' been able to pull it off in my entire life. I wil most likely end up dead on the street...not good...

Just When I Think I am Breaking Out of My Most Recent Depression...

I'm not...

The last 3 months have been bad. Like one of the worst depressions I have ever been in. I do have moments though when I think I am going to pull out of it. For instance, I recently started working on an oil painting, I got in the groove, and was feeling pretty good for 2 days.

But then the next day I started obsessing about the same old stuff again-- mainly, what's going to happen to me in 10-20 years. I worry I will not get disability back, and also that I will never be able to hold a decent paying job, as I lack job skills. I worry I will be homeless and die on the steets. Sounds bizarre right? These are the things I seriously think about. I think I have some kind of OCD thing going on, in addition to severe anxiety.

I prefer depression to anxiety though, anxiety is the worst. Especially social anxiety-- it always made any workplace situation difficult for me. I either don't say enough, or I say too much. I can't stand up for myself until I get so pissed off that I say something stupid. I'm too old to be this way, and am trying to improve on my social anxiety issues. All my anxiety issues really. Not much luck though.

I think I need to move across the country again. I know you can't run away from your problems, but I am not liking where I am living. The crime rate is bad and the climate does not agree with me. There's also not many jobs here (is there anywhere though)?

I hate my life immensely

You know those times in your life where everything just fucking sucks and you with you wouldn't have to wake up and deal with all the stupid fucking stressful shit? I am having one of those months. My ex relapsed, lost his job...I called "alex" who will no longer talk to me as a result, and my disability case is totally fucked. I recently discovered they don't even have one 20th of my documentation...no wonder I got rejected. (I hope my lawyer is good at his job)...

Anyway, I am alone and broke and haven't' had sex in over a month. I am very type A...perhaps i will have a heart attack and get lucky. (no worries people, I'm not suicidal...just extremely annoyed/pissed off and slightly depressed and feeling hopeless). I have no desire to be in a relationship ever again. I cannot deal with feeling so fucked over.

I'm Really Fucking Depressed...

I feel rather helpless right now. My boyfriend says he will be out by next week, but part of me is scared for him to go. I am across the country from "home" and I don't know a lot of people here. I feel alone a lot. I am not employed. My dad is paying my bills. I feel pathetic. I can't get a job because I am not qualified to do anything other than work in retail. I would get fired anyway. And if I even attempted to get another job I definitely won't win my disability case. Everything is fucked!

When I look at my boyfriend (ex boyfriend), I feel sad. I still love him, but there will always be the "next relapse" the "next job loss" the next "threat" or some sort. He terrifies me psychologically, but not physically. It's wierd-- he's always threatening to "sue me" if I throw him out, call the cops if I yell at him-- that kind of thing.

I hate my life right now. I really need to see a counselor of something, but I have no health insurance and i can't afford to see a counselor because i have no income. I think that's why i like blogging. It's my form of therapy.

Here's What's Going On Part 2...

OK, so my boyfriend is sober for NOW...Not that this reasures me...I know there is always a "next time"

I feel stuck...I have no money and no career prospects. He helps pays the bills. He doesn't have a lot, but it makes up for what I cannota do. I am becoming one of those woman I hate. I don't want to be with someone because he helps pay the bills. Our lives are depressing beyond belief.

I can't exactly go out a get a part time, or full time job for a couple of reasons...
1) I will get fired anyway-- my concentration is for shit, and I dont' interact well with other...I have a paranoid version of social anxiety...
2) I have a pending disability case...I was denied twice (even though I used to be on it oddly enough) adn now I had to hire a laywer to help me...now if I even try to work, I am fucked...but I'd get fired anyway cause I suck so I'm fucked anyway...

and to top it off "Alex" is now ignoring me, because he most likely does not want to deal with all this drama...I called him for a ride on the night my asshole boyfriend relapsed...he didn't give me one, told me to call the cops, said he would call me in the morning...adn then did not...He's been ignoring me for a week and a half...

ASSHOLE!!!!! (then why do i miss him)?

I'm Getting Up at the Crack of Dawn Tomorrow to Vote...

And naturally I am having another night of insomnia and can't fall asleep...

I really hope Obama wins :) He actually gives me hope, and gives a shit about all Americans-- including those of us who are suffering...I may actually have access to health care someday if he wins...I mean other than ER visits...

I'm one of those "fall between the cracks" people. I'm not screwed up enough to get disability (apparently, according to the government), but I am not healthy enough to work full time either...

Lets' just say I am prone to panic attacks at work, and have vomited at every job I have ever had...Not a good thing...Anyway, I have applied to various health insurance companies, but I keep getting rejected because of my history of depression, anxiety, bulimia, OCD...and whatever the hell else I have been diagnosed iwth over the years...

But maybe I can get health care someday! :) I would like that :) I would like to have my reproductive rights protected as well...Sorry Palin, I'm not carrying around a rapists baby!....I hope people don't have to go back to back ally abortions...

I am not a particularly religious person...but if there is a god...PLEASEEEEEE let Obama win.....