Ok, maybe I was Being Paranoid...

I think living with Sam with be Ok. I guess it's just like many roomate situations-- just needed a period of adjustment....I'm still without my own internet and still using his laptop so this will be brief. I still have not heard from Josh. It was 2 weeks ago I last spoke with him. He has been gone for 3 weeks now. This truly sucks. He loves his new city though. I can't blame him for not calling...I've also been reflecting on all the fucked up things I have done this year. I was very very naughty this year...in some ways for the good and some ways for the bad...I need to get my shit together, this much is obvious.

Slowly Moving in with Sam...

I have been moving boxes of my stuff over to Sam's house this week. I am happy I will be saving money, but I will miss living on my own in a way-- I'm a pretty private person. I really don't like people I know, knowing that much about me, unless they are a close friend. Sam and I are pretty good friends though, so I think we will be OK-- especially with the dog there :)

I also wonder if this may help with communications with Josh down the road. It may be a long shot but you never know...maybe next time Josh is in town he will come and visit Sam...He did say though, that his only really close friends still in this town are his former roomate (a girl) and his former model who is a pharmacist...I also can't help but wonder if Josh will ever ask Sam about our living situation...(You never know)...and hopefully Sam will say something good, and Josh will realize I am not an insane person who parties everyday...

I wonder when (if ever) I will hear from Josh...maybe not until he returns to town? I hope he doesn't come back during one of my absenses...I have 2 trips planned this summer...

I Almost Called Josh but Then I Chickened Out...

Instead, I contacted him through his website. This is what I wrote:

Hey Josh!

Thanks for the painting! :) I definitely wasn't expecting that, and really appreciate it-- thank you. I love your series with the abstracted couples. I almost called you to thank you, but I am guessing you are probably pretty busy right now, so I didn't want to bug ya.

I hope you made it down there safely and that your cat was sufficiently drugged :D...Was your dog OK? I hope so-- give her a big hug and kiss for me! :D...I hope you are diggin your new place too, and that everything is going great!

Kelly :)

....I decided to contact him through his websight instead of calling for a variety of reasons. Here they are:

1) I don't want to seem desperate
2) I have pretty bad social anxiety, and worry I would start rambling like an idiot,
and say something stupid, and/or make myself look stupid...I just worry about
generally embarrassing myself I guess.
3) David didn't think I should call. He liked the idea of the email. He said he
thought Josh just gave me the picture because perhaps he felt badly about how
hard he has been on me lately. (like this was a way of apologizing or something).

I hope this kind of puts the ball in his court, so to speak. It will be interesting
to see if he emails me back at all, or ever contacts me. I don't have my hopes up, but you never know.

Josh is Gone...Back to Reality...

Kind of....

I took the day off today. I haven't taken a day off from going to the studios in over a month. This happened for a couple reasons:

1) I have really been into the painting I have been working on
2) Wanted to have every opportunity to potentially spend time with Josh

Being there did not help the Josh situation. Perhaps he just thought-- man! that girl doesn't have a life...who knows, but anyway, I took a day off, just like back in the days when I was still with my ex-boyfriend and not chasing the boys at the studios...

I actually went and did some errands with Sam today, as he is temporarily without a car, and I will be moving in with him during the next week or so...I met the dog today too! She's a sweetie :)-- I am very much looking forward to having a dog, I think it will be therapuetic...sometimes I have significant issues with social anxiety, even around Sam occassionaly-- so the dog will help. I am fairly comfortable with Sam though, more so than most people in my city..

I also went through some of my stuff and boxed up some things for the move. I think I may bring the first load over tomorrow...it is time for me to focus on my shit...

No Goodbyes...

No fanfare...nothing...

Perhaps it is best this way. I saw Josh briefly today, as he was in and out of the studio moving stuff to his vehicle. There was brief, normal chit chat that co-workers would have, but nothing special. I left around 5:30 and was at home for almost 2 hours. I then returned to my studio and saw he had been back in my absence, and had taken what was most likely the second to last load. I stuck around for about a half hour. I actually felt like painting, but felt odd being there. When he showed up for the last load I didn't want him to think I was waiting for him, like a fucking stalker or something...

I kind of wanted a last goodbye, but at the same time it would be hard. Particularly because he is moving, and apparently not into me. It would be like pouring salt in the wound. I have already had enough awkwardness with him in the last month. He knows how I feel about things, and he doesn't want to go there. Why make his last night here awkward for him. Or for me. He pulls out of town around 6 AM tomorrow.

Maybe I Should Stay out of Town a Little Longer...

I am nervous about going back home. I spoke with my ex yesterday afternoon, and I found out he had not yet contacted his mother for his rent money yet. His weekly rent is due on Friday/Saturday. He then said, "you're coming back on Saturday aren't you"? I informed him he better call his mom for money, because I'm not just going to show up on Saturday and pay his rent for him. What the fuck is his problem? His parents are loaded (seriously, they are)...and I am living off my savings account.

If I am not in the same state as he is, then how can he harass me for money? Other than potentially harassing my neighbors, and causing me more problems on the home front. I don't know what I will do yet. I don't know how to go about changing my plane ticket.