I Almost Called Josh but Then I Chickened Out...

Instead, I contacted him through his website. This is what I wrote:

Hey Josh!

Thanks for the painting! :) I definitely wasn't expecting that, and really appreciate it-- thank you. I love your series with the abstracted couples. I almost called you to thank you, but I am guessing you are probably pretty busy right now, so I didn't want to bug ya.

I hope you made it down there safely and that your cat was sufficiently drugged :D...Was your dog OK? I hope so-- give her a big hug and kiss for me! :D...I hope you are diggin your new place too, and that everything is going great!

Kelly :)

....I decided to contact him through his websight instead of calling for a variety of reasons. Here they are:

1) I don't want to seem desperate
2) I have pretty bad social anxiety, and worry I would start rambling like an idiot,
and say something stupid, and/or make myself look stupid...I just worry about
generally embarrassing myself I guess.
3) David didn't think I should call. He liked the idea of the email. He said he
thought Josh just gave me the picture because perhaps he felt badly about how
hard he has been on me lately. (like this was a way of apologizing or something).

I hope this kind of puts the ball in his court, so to speak. It will be interesting
to see if he emails me back at all, or ever contacts me. I don't have my hopes up, but you never know.

I should be happy today...

I sold a painting today! Granted, it was a "little" painting, but it was grocery money. And then I sold 2 little prints. I felt great for a brief period of time. Until the end of the night, when it was just Alex and I. I thought he would come and talk to me, as we were alone in the building. He did not. I don't know if he realized I was alone, but he probably did.

Why the hell can I not get over him???? these are the reasons I can think of:

1) he actually made me belive he cared about me-- perhaps to get into my pants.
(It worked asshole)...

2) wow...amazingly gorgeous dude...tall, "sinewy," bedroom eyes...

3) he always had that way of looking at me as though I was naked

4) I really enjoyed it when we were both naked, and you know-- doing stuff...it was
probably the most passionate foreplay of my life, and the best sex...

5) we were very good friends, I miss our conversations

6) I often want what I can't have....

7) He intrigues more than most men I have ever met...

8) refer to 1 through 7

OMG!!!! I want to forget, but I dont' want to forget. The memories fade a little, but I have these little fleeting memories of our times together. I wish I wouldn't have deleted all the juicy posts on my other blog...shit...oh yeah, if you did not know-- here is a link to my other blog:

http://mylovelifesucksass.blogspot.com/

Re-Assessing Survival/Life Goals...

The last 3 months have fucking sucked ass. My ex boyfriend the alcholic almost made me homeless. (Long story)...The guy I fell in love with (and was stupid enough to cheat with) started ignoring me as a result (and was fucking yet another girl, other than me or his wife)....and I have no fucking income to speak of...my 63 year old father is paying my rent...and at my age, I know how pathetic that is...

I need to find a way to be self sufficent. Even if it means earning $7 per hour and living in a fucking trailor park. I hate my life. I don't hate men, but hate the men who have been involved in my life recently. I can't rely on them. I can only rely on myself. The scary part or course, is I have no job skills, other than the ability to draw a pretty picture-- not that that ever got me anywhere...

I am alone adn need to except that. I really wanted to get married someday, and maybe have a kid. I don't think that can/will happen though. I have maye 10 years left at best, or I'll have one of those "Palin babies"-- if you know what I mean...not to be un-PC, but seriously, a woman only has so long...

I need to change my life, but I don't know how. I've always been a sqaure peg trying to fit into a round hole. These are not good odds...

Mean People Suck...This is why I like having a "secret blog"

So this is one of my 3 blogs. I have 2 secret blogs, and one "business" blog. I try to write nothing too personal in my business blog. Once in a while it does creep out though. Obviously nothing as revealing as this blog...but once in a while I may write something MILDLY personal...

(no nothing about sex)...I wish..

Anyway, on the other blog I wrote something MILDLY personal about a person I am closed to that is ill, and some asshole commented how I need to get a life, how I seemed like a teenager, and not express my personal feeling on the internet. They also told me to stay away from blogging...I'm generally a polite person, but left an email reply that said FUCK OFF...(that was my ex-boyfriends idea)...technically he left the message, I never would have had the guts...

My main point here is that I like having this particular blog to vent. And since it is not my business blog, I can say whatever the fuck I want. I've realized I need to be more careful in my other blog...though I don't reveal THAT much--that's the wierd part. I haven't had a comment on this blog that even compares, and this is the blog I say the personal stuff on...(go figure)....

so assholes pretty much suck, and someone out there in cyberspace has some bad karma coming their way...Seriously, it's not polite to make someone cry on Chritmas. Especially when said person is a chronic depressive with no health insurance, who's only therapuetic activity is blogging...

The Men I Have Known...

I have this idea...

It will most likely never come to fruition..., mainly becuase I cannot spell that word, or appopriately define it...

I want to write a story. Mainly because I don't know what else to do. I want to write about my life. About how I would have liked for it to have turned out. Even if it could never have turned out like that.

There are so many lovely people I could have known better. So many people I would have loved to enrich. If only if I did not have all my own shit to deal with. I want an omage. I want a happy ending. I want this to be in honor of all the lovely people I have known in my life, who have given me brief moments of happiness. I owe these people a great deal....

I don't know if I can do this. I am thinking about it though. Maybe it will be easier if I continue to be anonymous. I could illustrate it, but I don't want to give myself away. I am a nobody, but there might be a few who recognise me.

Here is a song to demonstrate:


PS: I'm not butt ugly...I'm rather average ;) ...

Why Do I Want What I Can't Have?...Part 2...

Sorry part 2 has taken a while...I've been feeling shitty depressed lately and have little to no motivation...(and yes, my boyfriend and my Dad are still paying the bills)...I'm a winner! :D ...anyway...

I still find myself wanting "Jeremy" the sweet guy from college, who kind of liked me, but I pushed him away...to any new readers...I pushed him away because he was kind of socially awkward, like myself in a way...which at a young age naturally freaked me out...now I regret ever pushing him away...he saw the good in me what I though I was shit...gee, I guess some things never change..

To make matters worse, and to make my regrets worse, I recently discovered (via internet naturally) that he and his wife are basically "soul mates."...FUCK!!!!

I discovered this because I like to google him sometimes, because I'm all nostalgic like that, and I have no life. I found a blog, by someone in his "circle", so to speak, and in this blog it talked about how he and his wife have this cute baby...blah blah blah...(PUT THE FUCKING KNIFE IN MY HEART RIGHT NOW)...and how they make each other whole or some crap like that...which unfortunatley is most likey true and it really pisses me off that I was too young and stupid to appreciate him when I had him. He was always so kind to me, never lost pacience with me, so on and so forth...I really enjoyed his sense of humor as well. A dry and intelligent sense of humor...He did an amazing Christopher Walken impression as well..

Well, he apparently is with his soul mate now, who looks like me, but is aging better, and they have a baby...FUCK!!!!!

Ok, I need to go and drink more now...

Not Doing too good Tonight...

I'm thinking about too many things...the past, my family...people I know, and people I knew...I need to get rid of the nostalgic streak, but it haunts me...Not to be melodramatic, but it really does...I suppose it doesn't help that I've been listening to you tube videos all night...think Alanis Morissette, Willie Nelson, and Anne Murray...

Yes, I know, potentially self indulgent and pathetic, but in a strange way...it makes me feel better...the songs I listen to, I listen to for a specific reason...the remind me of a time in my life, a certain feeling...you know? There's something about music that does that. It transports me back in time-- Alanis Morissette to my late teen years and early 20's...Willie and Anne to my childhood years...when my mother was still here...I don't remember her well, but I know she loved me. I wish she was still here. I know she loved me. I don't know how, but I just know. And my Dad told me she kind of favored me...then she offed herself. Maybe that's why I'm so fucked up. I'm very introspective and I know how I feel. I usually know why I feel the way I feel. It doesn't change things though. It doesnt' make things better....Maybe I should paint about it. I just miss them.

PS: this is a sketch from long ago...I did this in Jeremy's dorm room...