Kinda Freaking Out...

About money, the future, my lack of job skills, the economy...etc...

To update those who have never read my blog before-- I am kinda fucked up and have a pending disability case. I used to be on disabiltiy in my early 20's for depression, bulimia, anxiety, and OCD. I wanted to be "normal" so I went of disability for a job that paid $10 per hour-- REAL fucking smart...but what do you know when you are 26?

So I jumped around from job to job, because of my "problems" and ending up getting fired at age 29 by the white trash queen of the century. (seriously-- teenage pregnancy, horrible grammar, leopard underwear that stuck out when she bent over, fancy hair, but missing teeth in the back...)

After this experience I filed for disability and moved across the country with my alcoholic ex-boyfriend. Oddly enough, even though I used to be on disabilty, I kind of "fell through the cracks" and was unable to get back on...I reapplied and was denied. It is now in the court systems and I won't know for like another 9 months probably...I'm kinda freaking out.

I have way too many problems to hold full time employment. My outlook is not good. Not sure what I am gonna do once I am 50 with no one to help. I would much prefer to be self- sufficient, but I havent' been able to pull it off in my entire life. I wil most likely end up dead on the street...not good...

Just When I Think I am Breaking Out of My Most Recent Depression...

I'm not...

The last 3 months have been bad. Like one of the worst depressions I have ever been in. I do have moments though when I think I am going to pull out of it. For instance, I recently started working on an oil painting, I got in the groove, and was feeling pretty good for 2 days.

But then the next day I started obsessing about the same old stuff again-- mainly, what's going to happen to me in 10-20 years. I worry I will not get disability back, and also that I will never be able to hold a decent paying job, as I lack job skills. I worry I will be homeless and die on the steets. Sounds bizarre right? These are the things I seriously think about. I think I have some kind of OCD thing going on, in addition to severe anxiety.

I prefer depression to anxiety though, anxiety is the worst. Especially social anxiety-- it always made any workplace situation difficult for me. I either don't say enough, or I say too much. I can't stand up for myself until I get so pissed off that I say something stupid. I'm too old to be this way, and am trying to improve on my social anxiety issues. All my anxiety issues really. Not much luck though.

I think I need to move across the country again. I know you can't run away from your problems, but I am not liking where I am living. The crime rate is bad and the climate does not agree with me. There's also not many jobs here (is there anywhere though)?