So Josh was up at the studios today, and at one point asked me if I was going to the concert in the park. I said I didn't know there was a concert (I didn't-- I don't pay attention to such things, top self absorbed).....Knowing this, I ended up going to the concert. Some people from work saw me there and flagged me down. My friend "Maureen" found me and said I was wandering around like I was looking for someone. She said she thought I was looking for "Josh>"...shit,...does everybody know????I said I was looking for beer...and also my friend Kim...
I ended up in the mosh pit drinking beer and jumping up and down. I caught up with most of them after the concert. We went to a house. Josh was there....I played the drums and accidentally broke a bed...I jumped on it.. :O...I said I would pay for it...I feel bad...I hope she calls me...I will totally pay her back...
The just of the story is that Josh and I ignored each other even though we were both drinking. I ignored him because I didnt' want to seem needy...maybe he ignored me because he can't stand me....whatever...I dont' know...he did give the eye to the 21 year old in the mini skirt though...made me wanna fucking puke...she is the sister of one of our friends,.....he flirted at ONE point with me earlier, but only that one point....he was OBVIOUSLY fucked up...,most likely alcohol and weed....
Basically he ignored me...but oddly enough watched out for me in a way...at one point shots of wiskey were purchased and he wouldn't let me have one. I wanted one and he tried to give it to someone else, I kept reaching for it...I said I would behave myself. another dude gave me part of his shot and Josh said, "that guy is out of here."...we then left, he oggled the little girl...and another dude (who is sweet and trustworthy (walked me home)...
why was Josh checking out the young gal instead of me? Was it because she was younger or drunker? :(...oh well...
PS: when we were all going to part ways Josh asked me if I was good and I said yes. I hugged him and said something to the effect of, "I can hold back when I need to" and I told him to have a good night. I kissed him on the cheek, as he most likely thought of the other gal...One of my other friends walked me home.
Friday, May 29, 2009
Thursday, May 28, 2009
NADA....Zilch...yes, it is true....
No signs of Josh at the studios today, unless he got there way earlier than I did. I think he is avoiding me. So be it....it makes me sad though. I miss his friendship and raunchy obnoxious banter if nothing else. He must have been with "friends" today. I think he pulls out of town permanently on Sunday...
He said yesterday, most of his true friends have already left town. He said his only "good/true" friends still in town are his former model (who is a pharmacist and makes $120,000 per year, and his former roommate (a girl) who is an architect/baddass bartender...apparently they are both strong woman-- I am the opposite of that-- a total weakling...I am guessing he may have told one or both of them about my unrequited love for him...not because I am anything special, but because it feels good to be admired...if someone had a thing for me I might tell a couple of my friends...
Today his "neighbor" with the big boobs showed up-- 6 PMish. This was the gal he made the comment to another artist about-- how she had big boobs adn was wearing a tank top at the dog park. She showed up in a cute little dress and asked for Josh's phone number. I gave it to her natur-ally....I think she probably wants to do him or something...we all do...I will say though, other than her boobs, she is not much to look at...not that I should talk, but she doesn't seem like his type. He likes petite woman who are cute and makeupy....she is tall and not overly beautiful...big boobs though...oh well...
who knows what he did today. I am trying not to think about it. He will be gone in a few days, and perhaps I can move on with my life.
He said yesterday, most of his true friends have already left town. He said his only "good/true" friends still in town are his former model (who is a pharmacist and makes $120,000 per year, and his former roommate (a girl) who is an architect/baddass bartender...apparently they are both strong woman-- I am the opposite of that-- a total weakling...I am guessing he may have told one or both of them about my unrequited love for him...not because I am anything special, but because it feels good to be admired...if someone had a thing for me I might tell a couple of my friends...
Today his "neighbor" with the big boobs showed up-- 6 PMish. This was the gal he made the comment to another artist about-- how she had big boobs adn was wearing a tank top at the dog park. She showed up in a cute little dress and asked for Josh's phone number. I gave it to her natur-ally....I think she probably wants to do him or something...we all do...I will say though, other than her boobs, she is not much to look at...not that I should talk, but she doesn't seem like his type. He likes petite woman who are cute and makeupy....she is tall and not overly beautiful...big boobs though...oh well...
who knows what he did today. I am trying not to think about it. He will be gone in a few days, and perhaps I can move on with my life.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
The Final Nail in the Coffin...??? :(
This makes me sad. I was really into this guy Josh. He has been doing the usual "avoiding" me for the most part, but with a little chit chat here and there. He has had opportunities to invite me places, spend time with me...blah blah blah...but he hasn't.
This evening I had a few beers with my artist buddy David (he's the dude who's in his late 50's), and we talked about life and relationships. I then got back to the studios and Josh was there. I chatted with him a bit and discovered more about him, and perhaps why he is not into me...This conversation took place in his studio, and as I had a few beers in me I mustered up the courage to talk to him a bit more than I had in recent memory...
He said he would leave right now if he could, and he was merely waiting on his lease. He also commented more on people in out city not really having any dreams, and partying too much. I find this odd personally, as he drinks quite a bit, and one of his good friends is becoming an anesthesiologist...anyway, I think basically he is trying to get away from the party scene to improve his life...maybe he thinks I am a partier??? I drink some with friends, but I don't go to bars alone or anything...As my friend David said, Josh is hard on people. Even Josh has said this...his expectations are very high. I am the opposite. I am hard on myself, but quite lenient with others.
Josh even commented on how he grouped me in with those types who don't know what they want to do. That hurt a bit. I do know what I want to do, but don't have the confidence he has. He asked me if I had decided what I wanted to do, and I told him I want to be an artist. I also commented I am extremely practical, and know I need to do something in addition to this. He said he didn't understand the lack of confidence thing, and couldn't relate to it. I told him I was picked on a lot as a teenager and never really fit it-- that was probably a big part of it. I also said I had to "de-program" my brain in this city, and get away from the beliefs that were instilled in me by my family. I was raised in such a way where I thought I had to have a masters degree or Phd or something to be acceptable-- to be some type of white collar person...I basically said I am slowly coming into my own.
Another interesting thing he said was that his former girlfriend was SO postitive, about everything she did-- and that really drew him to her. I can't remember what I said before this, but he said this about his ex in response to what I said...it was almost like another way of shooting me down-- I am too negative about myself..He also commented that the dating pool here is small and he doesn't like to date other artists because he doesn't like to date people like himself. What the hell is that supposed to mean??? Other than the fact that he just is not that into me...
Then Sam popped in and we all chatted for a while. Josh said he was going to some person's house for a few beers, and Sam knew these people too. He invited Sam to stop by, but not me. And there is the final nail in the coffin...
This evening I had a few beers with my artist buddy David (he's the dude who's in his late 50's), and we talked about life and relationships. I then got back to the studios and Josh was there. I chatted with him a bit and discovered more about him, and perhaps why he is not into me...This conversation took place in his studio, and as I had a few beers in me I mustered up the courage to talk to him a bit more than I had in recent memory...
He said he would leave right now if he could, and he was merely waiting on his lease. He also commented more on people in out city not really having any dreams, and partying too much. I find this odd personally, as he drinks quite a bit, and one of his good friends is becoming an anesthesiologist...anyway, I think basically he is trying to get away from the party scene to improve his life...maybe he thinks I am a partier??? I drink some with friends, but I don't go to bars alone or anything...As my friend David said, Josh is hard on people. Even Josh has said this...his expectations are very high. I am the opposite. I am hard on myself, but quite lenient with others.
Josh even commented on how he grouped me in with those types who don't know what they want to do. That hurt a bit. I do know what I want to do, but don't have the confidence he has. He asked me if I had decided what I wanted to do, and I told him I want to be an artist. I also commented I am extremely practical, and know I need to do something in addition to this. He said he didn't understand the lack of confidence thing, and couldn't relate to it. I told him I was picked on a lot as a teenager and never really fit it-- that was probably a big part of it. I also said I had to "de-program" my brain in this city, and get away from the beliefs that were instilled in me by my family. I was raised in such a way where I thought I had to have a masters degree or Phd or something to be acceptable-- to be some type of white collar person...I basically said I am slowly coming into my own.
Another interesting thing he said was that his former girlfriend was SO postitive, about everything she did-- and that really drew him to her. I can't remember what I said before this, but he said this about his ex in response to what I said...it was almost like another way of shooting me down-- I am too negative about myself..He also commented that the dating pool here is small and he doesn't like to date other artists because he doesn't like to date people like himself. What the hell is that supposed to mean??? Other than the fact that he just is not that into me...
Then Sam popped in and we all chatted for a while. Josh said he was going to some person's house for a few beers, and Sam knew these people too. He invited Sam to stop by, but not me. And there is the final nail in the coffin...
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Alone...
I am temporarily writing about my lack of love life on this blog, as my other one is on hiatus....
Nothing is going on. Josh is in town for a week "relaxing" as his new lease in his new city does not start until June 1. I haven't really gotten much more than a "hello" when he pops up into the studios, and then he disappears. I think he leaves permanently on Sunday. (but he'll be back every couple of months to drop off paintings at the gallery he shows at here)...Today he was golfing with his friends apparently. I spoke to my ex boyfriend Greg today, who lives across the country. He explained to me that if Josh had any interest in me he would make an effort to spend time with me. He has not....My other friend from the same city as Greg, who I will call "Hannah", seems to think he is just focusing on moving and does not want to hurt me...whatever...either way I will have to deal....
FUCK!!!!! Josh is so my type... ;(...He is funny, crass, confident, athletic...a bit of a bad boy, but really a good boy...and he has broad shoulders...anda tatoo.... :) ...oh well...
Alex is apparently trying to sublet his studio-- perhaps his philandering ways caught up with him...Sam said Alex was trying to get rid of his studio because he's not making enough money there...DUH!!!! That's because he's NEVER there...how can you sell shit if you are not there? he was gone for 2 ENTIRE months, and after than he shows up like once a week...That is his karma...he fucked over and hurt multiple women, avoided the studios, and as a result is not making any money there. I hope he enjoys his life...living off his school teacher common law wife and looking at internet porn on a daily basis...luckily the flirting with Josh helped me get over that asshole....
So this leaves me in an interesting position. The dude I fucked and was mega into is leaving the studios...the guy I was REALLY into and made out with is moving to another city...and the guy who was kind of my fuck buddy is the guy who I will soon be rooming with!!! :D ...geez...my life is rather surreal/bizarre...
Nothing is going on. Josh is in town for a week "relaxing" as his new lease in his new city does not start until June 1. I haven't really gotten much more than a "hello" when he pops up into the studios, and then he disappears. I think he leaves permanently on Sunday. (but he'll be back every couple of months to drop off paintings at the gallery he shows at here)...Today he was golfing with his friends apparently. I spoke to my ex boyfriend Greg today, who lives across the country. He explained to me that if Josh had any interest in me he would make an effort to spend time with me. He has not....My other friend from the same city as Greg, who I will call "Hannah", seems to think he is just focusing on moving and does not want to hurt me...whatever...either way I will have to deal....
FUCK!!!!! Josh is so my type... ;(...He is funny, crass, confident, athletic...a bit of a bad boy, but really a good boy...and he has broad shoulders...anda tatoo.... :) ...oh well...
Alex is apparently trying to sublet his studio-- perhaps his philandering ways caught up with him...Sam said Alex was trying to get rid of his studio because he's not making enough money there...DUH!!!! That's because he's NEVER there...how can you sell shit if you are not there? he was gone for 2 ENTIRE months, and after than he shows up like once a week...That is his karma...he fucked over and hurt multiple women, avoided the studios, and as a result is not making any money there. I hope he enjoys his life...living off his school teacher common law wife and looking at internet porn on a daily basis...luckily the flirting with Josh helped me get over that asshole....
So this leaves me in an interesting position. The dude I fucked and was mega into is leaving the studios...the guy I was REALLY into and made out with is moving to another city...and the guy who was kind of my fuck buddy is the guy who I will soon be rooming with!!! :D ...geez...my life is rather surreal/bizarre...
I Have Temporarily Put my Other Blog on Private Status...
I have no idea who that person is who started following my other blog. Since I susupected it was someone in the same city I blocked the user. The person then signed up as a follower of my blog again. Shit! So I temporarily set it up so that only I can read it...I think...I'm not very good with the formatting crap. I might make a copy of the whole blog for my own archives, and then delete it, and start over. I hope I don't have to resort to that though. There has got to be an easier way...
Monday, May 25, 2009
I Fear I Have Been Discovered...
I really hope not. I like being anonymous and writing is therapeutic for me. I had a new follower on my other blog, that had a naughty link on it. The link itself was naughty (to each his own, but not my thing), but the BAD part was that the web page link mentioned my city. You know..."find sexy blah blah blah in (your city). Does this person know where and who I am? It fucking freaked me out! :O ....I worry that this person maybe in my city. This city is cool enough to attract tourists, but small enough where everyone in the art scene knows everyone else. FUCK!
I really don't want to have to delete my other blog. I'll have to feel this one out a bit. I the mean time...I'm nervous...
I really don't want to have to delete my other blog. I'll have to feel this one out a bit. I the mean time...I'm nervous...
Friday, May 8, 2009
Umm...
Why do I always fall for men I can't have?
Exhibit A: boyfriend #1...much older and never wanted to marry...we are still
friends, he is very supportive of me emotionally
Exhibit 2: alcoholic with no interest in sex.....but he really is a good friend
exhibit 3: really hot artist dude who is in a long term relatioship with someone
else...mental/emotional connection...hot sex...he won't talk to me
anymore...probably because he fears I will mess up his "safe" situation
exhibit 4: hot art dude who is kind of a jock and is moving away soon...(within
days)...we have similar boisterous personaltities
Do I seek out situations in which I am doomed to fail??? Or maybe I just like a challenge???? I hope something will work out eventually....
Exhibit A: boyfriend #1...much older and never wanted to marry...we are still
friends, he is very supportive of me emotionally
Exhibit 2: alcoholic with no interest in sex.....but he really is a good friend
exhibit 3: really hot artist dude who is in a long term relatioship with someone
else...mental/emotional connection...hot sex...he won't talk to me
anymore...probably because he fears I will mess up his "safe" situation
exhibit 4: hot art dude who is kind of a jock and is moving away soon...(within
days)...we have similar boisterous personaltities
Do I seek out situations in which I am doomed to fail??? Or maybe I just like a challenge???? I hope something will work out eventually....
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
