I Fear I Have Been Discovered...

I really hope not. I like being anonymous and writing is therapeutic for me. I had a new follower on my other blog, that had a naughty link on it. The link itself was naughty (to each his own, but not my thing), but the BAD part was that the web page link mentioned my city. You know..."find sexy blah blah blah in (your city). Does this person know where and who I am? It fucking freaked me out! :O ....I worry that this person maybe in my city. This city is cool enough to attract tourists, but small enough where everyone in the art scene knows everyone else. FUCK!
I really don't want to have to delete my other blog. I'll have to feel this one out a bit. I the mean time...I'm nervous...

Big Huge Nasty Fight With the Boyfriend...

We almost broke up tonight. Our entire relationship of almost 4 years has been a series of mini breakups, and almost breakups. I thought tonight would be "for real" though...

So he's stressy and cranky all day-- which of course stresses me out. And then he tells me he hates his job and wants to quit-- after I'm already stressed out. Then I told him fine, quit, but you better have your parents help you or have something lined up, because I have no fucking money. (I am unemployed because of all my fucking mental health "issues")...My dad helps me, but that's not enought to support him too...Anyway

I told him neither of us can handle stress, neither of us seem to be able to handle long term employment...and when you put two "nuts" together, you get nothing but "nutty."...I also yelled at him for never having sex with me.

My boyfriend and I have not had sex in a fucking month. And we are in our 30's...he has no libido whatsoever....or at least not towards me...

We ended up chilling out, but I am still left wondering what will happen in the long run. I love him, but it's like living with my brother or something...I need a normal sex life...It has become apparent that my boyfriend has no interest in sex with me, and "Alex" has most likely lost interest in me...

Round Two...

I am very excited by this prospect....(yeah-- sex)!

After a week or two of wondering what the hell was going on...I now know...(kind of)????

He asked me what I was doing this week. And of course I said "nothing", because I have no life... I have not had sex with my boyfriend in 3 weeks-- and belive me-- I have tried... :( ...Dude, this fucking sucks...I am a woman in her early 30's, in a long term relationship, with no sex life...

I can't recall what he said exactly, somthing like "do you want to run away together" this week?...(uh-- YEAH!!!!!!)...

I need something desperatlely...and he is a lovely man :) ...

He's Still Ignoring Me, But on a Side Note...

A threesome?.....

I don't think I could go there. The idea is fascinating, but I am way too much of an introvert for such activities myself...At least I think I am????....

And yes, like the title suggests, "Alex" is stil ignoring me. I thought I would bring up a conversation we had a week or so ago, as I have nothing better to say at the moment. At one point he asked me about my "fantasies"...and being the boring girl I am of course, I don't really have any...Except maybe lighting some candles and lots of kissing and so on and so forth...(foreplay is a good thing)...anyway...

He asked me if I ever thought about being with "other women" or multiple people. I honestly answered, "not really"...unless it was me, him...and someone like Johhny Depp or something...(not that there is anything wrong with that other stuff-- to each his own, I'm just really boring and prefer penises to vaginas).....

This made me wonder-- is this further proof he is a "player"?...does he want me to be involved with himself and his "other" other woman-- if there are "other" women?...or me and his "real" woman?...I have no idea what this converations was about really. Interesting conversation though. The only thing I could gather from this entire interaction was that he might be interested in me wearing a little white t-shirt and nothing else....but then again he hasn't been talking to me much, so this could all mean absolutely nothing...

I'll keep ya posted...

OK, Ignore the Last Post...

Knowing my luck, and my shyness, it probably won't happen. I can always fantasize though, right?...

I didn't see him at all yesterday (and I thought I would run into him)...and today I just saw him briefly...Previously he said he wouldn't change his mind (ie: wants mind blowing sex)...Then today he said he keeps going back and forth...

The reason being (according to him anyway), is that he is worried about me...Not in an "oh my god she is insane way", but because apparently I seem innocent, sweet, and vulnerable. He claims he doesn't want to hurt me. Shit!!! I come off as innocent and sweet?!?!...Well, maybe in person I do...if they only knew :O .....

We'll see what happens...or doesn't happen...I think one of us will wuss out, no matter how bad we want something to happen...

I Should Just Fuck Him and Get it Over with....

Yeah...I need to do that..

Unfortunately I am a sex deprived chicken shit...Let's just say there has been kissing, there has been...uh...other stuff...but not "the deed"...I don't care if you think I am a whore. I am in my 30's, unmarried, and still in single digits in terms of sexual partners.

I need to talk about this. I hope no right wing,easily offended Christians are reading this. If you are-- turn back now or you will be offended :)...

I plan on having some mind blowing sex, and soon...I need some, I deserve some...this fellow...what should I call him?...I'll call him Alex....he is going to be quite good I would assume :)...He kissed me neck and it gave me tingles...He kissed my stomach and I almost puked...(in a good way of course)....

I'm in trouble :)

I'm Destined to Be Alone...(Part 1)..

Belive me, I'm sure there will be more posts on this issue...

So today I went on a little road trip with my boyfriend. We spent most of the day arguing with each other about a bunch of stupid shit, which I suppose could be referred to as "quarreling/quabbling"...(how spell)?....

And then we argued about our lack of sex life...blah, blah blah...It is bizarre to me to be the "female" in this relationship, but feel like "the male"-- you know? Isn't is USUALLY the guy who wants it more? I feel so fucking stuck. I feel so fucking deprived...I don't like this situation. And he wont' even talk about it...I've tried, but he is not interested in talking...I need to be doing something different. We are both with each other, I suspect, for security reasons--which feels really shitty....It's a long story and it's complicated. (and no, I have not slept with someone else, tempting as it may be...very tempting)....

Yup, destined to be alone...freaky old cat lady...(if I can ever afford an apartment where I can have cats)...

Trying to Behave Myself...

*sigh*...major attraction...MAJOR...

It's both frustrating and extremely interesting to be attracted to someone who is completely unavailable....(but, uh..is in certain ways :)....

I know I can have him if I want him, but not sure if I should go there...there could be many repurcusions...(sorry if I spelled that wrong)....

I don't know what to do about my current boyfriend/situation...It is very complicated. I do care about him, and he cares about me-- but it's more of a "friendship" kind of caring...we help stabalize each other in ways. It's very complicated....I just just don't think I can go for the next 20-30 years without a sex life... If I was 80 I wouldn't mind...but I think I have at least 20-30 good years of potential sex life ahead of me...(maybe)...

And no, dont' worry folks, I'm not about to jump into anyting quickly...I'm very cautious, and very careful...and also very paranoid...yet very horny...it's an odd combination really...Men confuse the FUCK out of me... :)

I am Attracted to Someone Other Than my Boyfriend...

...oh shit...

And no...in case you are wondering, I have not acted on this yet...(did I just say YET)?...oh god...NO...I have not slept with someone else...(I have dirty thoughts though :O ....(and what's better...or worse?...is that this guy is apparently into me too)...

I belive part of the reason my mind wanders is my boyfriends lack of libido...He has absolutely no interest in sex. He has had no interest in sex since the beginning of our relationship, almost 4 years ago. At first I wondered if he was gay, then I wondered if it was me...then I came to the conclusion that perhaps he was just asexual...He never checks ANYONE out and is never in the mood...it is very bizzare...

So where does this leave me? I really have no idea. I am in a long term relationship, as is this fellow I have dirty thoughts about...

I would like to think I am not a loose woman (and I'm not)...I actually lost my virginity at an age much later than most of my peers)...so why do I feel guilty, for just THOUGHTS?...

I guess it's because I know they could become reality. This fellow and I have acknowleged attraction to one another. We talk with a flirtatious banter, and there have been "words exchanged"...There is just something about him. When he looks at me, it's almost erotic...it's like he's looking at me naked or something... When he talks to me, he actually takes an interest in me...he wants to know about me...it's not all about him. (I've found this somewhat rare with men-- it's very attractive though, when they want to know about you :)...

And he is just gorgeous...not traditionally gorgeous per say...but definitely gorgeous...and the way he looks at me like I am naked...Oh shit..I could be in for some trouble...or in the very least, some mental torture... :( ... :) ...