Slowly Moving in with Sam...

I have been moving boxes of my stuff over to Sam's house this week. I am happy I will be saving money, but I will miss living on my own in a way-- I'm a pretty private person. I really don't like people I know, knowing that much about me, unless they are a close friend. Sam and I are pretty good friends though, so I think we will be OK-- especially with the dog there :)

I also wonder if this may help with communications with Josh down the road. It may be a long shot but you never know...maybe next time Josh is in town he will come and visit Sam...He did say though, that his only really close friends still in this town are his former roomate (a girl) and his former model who is a pharmacist...I also can't help but wonder if Josh will ever ask Sam about our living situation...(You never know)...and hopefully Sam will say something good, and Josh will realize I am not an insane person who parties everyday...

I wonder when (if ever) I will hear from Josh...maybe not until he returns to town? I hope he doesn't come back during one of my absenses...I have 2 trips planned this summer...

I Spoke With My Friend Beth on Facebook Tonight......

She is the one who is having a rapturous love affair with my artist friend David. (they share a studio)...I told her that Josh left me an original work of art. She seemed to think this was something special. She said she would not leave an original work of art for someone unless they meant something to her...

This made me very happy :) Granted, it was a quicker original for him-- (a drawing/painting) and he works quickly.....probably took him like an hour or two vs. 10-- but still!!! Beth's input made me happy. She is one of the two people in my city who know the "full" Josh story...

I really miss him. He is gone. I have not heard from him. This does not surprise me, but makes me sad. I only emailed him a day ago though, I have no idea whether or not he will ever email me back...or call me...in terms of calls I think I left the ball in his court....I have been listening to this song a lot the last few days...maybe it's because it makes a reference to Dali and his wife Gala???? I actually mostly enjoy the melody...I discovered just a day or two ago there is an artist reference--our song perhaps? I have no idea...I would love it if we could have a song though...'cause ya know I'm sappy like that! :)

I Almost Called Josh but Then I Chickened Out...

Instead, I contacted him through his website. This is what I wrote:

Hey Josh!

Thanks for the painting! :) I definitely wasn't expecting that, and really appreciate it-- thank you. I love your series with the abstracted couples. I almost called you to thank you, but I am guessing you are probably pretty busy right now, so I didn't want to bug ya.

I hope you made it down there safely and that your cat was sufficiently drugged :D...Was your dog OK? I hope so-- give her a big hug and kiss for me! :D...I hope you are diggin your new place too, and that everything is going great!

Kelly :)

....I decided to contact him through his websight instead of calling for a variety of reasons. Here they are:

1) I don't want to seem desperate
2) I have pretty bad social anxiety, and worry I would start rambling like an idiot,
and say something stupid, and/or make myself look stupid...I just worry about
generally embarrassing myself I guess.
3) David didn't think I should call. He liked the idea of the email. He said he
thought Josh just gave me the picture because perhaps he felt badly about how
hard he has been on me lately. (like this was a way of apologizing or something).

I hope this kind of puts the ball in his court, so to speak. It will be interesting
to see if he emails me back at all, or ever contacts me. I don't have my hopes up, but you never know.

The Second Post of the Day...

I can't seemt to stop blogging when I have shit on my mind. It's therapuetic for me I guess. And since I don't have health insurance, or a therapist...I might as well write about it to get it off my chest...

I brought another load of stuff to Sam's house tonight. The last thing I brought in was a sewing machine and the picture Josh gave me. I put it on the kitche table adn said, "look what Josh gave me, isn't that awesome?!?!" Sam said something to the effect of "yeah," and seemed pleasantly surprised...I said I wasn't expecting it at all but I really like it. I also commented I had to get it out of my house before my ex boyfriend saw it. Sam asked me something like, "is he jealous?" I said probably, but there is nothing to be jealous of, because I never slept with Josh. Sam said "there are still things to be jealous of though." I said, "yeah, but I don't think Josh was ever really attracted to me." Sam replied, "well Josh has a type-- he goes for blondes with mega careers, who look like they are 18."...he also made a comment on knowing what your type is doesn't have be be a bad thing. I said "I know." and also something like, well that's part of life...

So Sam basically confirmed I am not Josh's type. It's odd, that one night when we were all drunk (Sam, Kim, and I) he seemed to think I had a shot, as Josh thought my x-rays were pretty hot, adn he requested to see them again. Perhaps Sam has learned something about the situation since then. I have no idea whether or not Sam has discussed any of this with Josh. I felt pretty good this afternoon, but now I feel shot down again.

I told Sam I was going to go and paint, but when I got there I didn't feel like it. I got some takeout and ate it at my studio. Then I came home...

And the Plot Thickens...

Wow...well maybe A LITTLE...Maybe I am just wishful thinking.

So I had not been up at my studio since the night Josh left, and as previously stated I didn't see him that one last time. I didn't want to humiliate myself..I popped up there today to bring some art stuff up from my apartment....and what did I find????

An original work of art by Josh. Yes, it is true... :D ....It wasn't one of his huge oil paintings or anything, but still-- wow! I wasn't expecting that at all-- totally caught me off guard. It is one of his abstract drawings of a man and a woman embracing. He wrote a tiny note on the back of one of his business cards, and taped it to the package. Here's what it said:

To Kelly

Sorry it's not the original
you wanted but it's an original
for you! Josh

Wow. This is very flattering. Maybe this means we can in the very least be friends or something? I want to call and thank him but I am nervous. I really should though...Perhaps I should show this to Sam and get his opinion on the matter. He knows Josh well, and also knows how I feel about him. As shitty as I have been feeling about the situation, this makes me feel a little better at least :)

Josh is Gone...Back to Reality...

Kind of....

I took the day off today. I haven't taken a day off from going to the studios in over a month. This happened for a couple reasons:

1) I have really been into the painting I have been working on
2) Wanted to have every opportunity to potentially spend time with Josh

Being there did not help the Josh situation. Perhaps he just thought-- man! that girl doesn't have a life...who knows, but anyway, I took a day off, just like back in the days when I was still with my ex-boyfriend and not chasing the boys at the studios...

I actually went and did some errands with Sam today, as he is temporarily without a car, and I will be moving in with him during the next week or so...I met the dog today too! She's a sweetie :)-- I am very much looking forward to having a dog, I think it will be therapuetic...sometimes I have significant issues with social anxiety, even around Sam occassionaly-- so the dog will help. I am fairly comfortable with Sam though, more so than most people in my city..

I also went through some of my stuff and boxed up some things for the move. I think I may bring the first load over tomorrow...it is time for me to focus on my shit...

No Goodbyes...

No fanfare...nothing...

Perhaps it is best this way. I saw Josh briefly today, as he was in and out of the studio moving stuff to his vehicle. There was brief, normal chit chat that co-workers would have, but nothing special. I left around 5:30 and was at home for almost 2 hours. I then returned to my studio and saw he had been back in my absence, and had taken what was most likely the second to last load. I stuck around for about a half hour. I actually felt like painting, but felt odd being there. When he showed up for the last load I didn't want him to think I was waiting for him, like a fucking stalker or something...

I kind of wanted a last goodbye, but at the same time it would be hard. Particularly because he is moving, and apparently not into me. It would be like pouring salt in the wound. I have already had enough awkwardness with him in the last month. He knows how I feel about things, and he doesn't want to go there. Why make his last night here awkward for him. Or for me. He pulls out of town around 6 AM tomorrow.