The Passion

I need to write about this. Seriously-- before I forget. 4 months have lapsed now since my last interaction with Alex. I deleted all my other posts about our interations (because I'm fucking stupid), so lets see what I can remember of our little love affair....

I first met him in January of 2008. I was up at the studios "exploring"-- I wondered who got the open studio-- it was him. (I was on the waiting list)...I remember the first time I met him. He was sitting on his little swivel chair and talking to me. He was so calm and confident-- overwhelmingly attractive. For some reason I thought he was a couple of years older than me. Perhaps it was his calm, cool demeanor. Turns out he's 2 months younger than me. We are both currently 31...It was a brief innocent chat, but I felt at ease. I remember this. And I remember he was attractive.

I moved into the next open studio in March of 2008. Over the next couple of months I chatted with him on and off. I remember he and Same came over to see my studio and Sam introduced him as some odd sounding name. It was interesting they both came over to check out my studio at the same time-- like they were taking a field trip or something....(spring 2008). Some time over the spring I developed a crush on Alex. I know we talked, but I can't remember about what. I recall looking for him out in the courtyard, it made me happy and excited...we had a "vibe"..

Sometime in the early summer I belive, I came to the conclusion Alex was a player. I saw him with Sam's skinny little horsefaced art assistant. They were walking up the stairs together and she had this "look" on her face. (and of course she's 7 years younger than me, and also taller and skinnier-- in terms of proportion anyway)...Happy/enthralled/in love-- you know that look...I ignored him for a while. I should have stuck with that instinct. Eventually he came to me...we started talking/flirting again...She disappeared... Perhaps Alex was bored in her absense, or fucking her in private-- I really have no idea.

Fall 2009. One of the most passionate, and most stupid times in my life. We flirted intensely. Perhaps (in retrospect), it was a result of the absense of the horseface). I did not know that at the time of course...He had a way of looking at me as if I was naked. He asked me very personal questions, but not in a "pervey" way. He asked me about my life, my struggles, my pain. He got into my head, he got into my heart. It's almost as if he had a book of "gaining a women's trust and love so you can get into her pants"...I felt oddly close to him. And it's hard for me to feel this with anyone.

I remember one of the first overtly sexual flirtations. I was making some kind of odd joke about how I was really born a man, but my thinie had been burned off in a freak circumsision accident...He said "really, can I see?"....and he meant it...he said it in this calm, serious...I want to look at your genitals kind of way...I think this was when the flirting got heavier...I think this was August??? Maybe early Sept???

More flirting, more intense personal conversations....He made some type of sexual comment (referring to us). I belive this must have been in Sept. I said something to the effect of-- "well, you'll have to use a condom, because I'm not on Birth control." This was when things became sort of serious...He later said he knew this was when it might actually happen.

I'll save the rest for another post...long story...I think I will put this on my other blog too...