I'm a Horrible Jealous Person...

I admit it. I am very jealous of many people. Especially people in happy relationships with good sex lives. I'm particularly jealous of people who have been married forever and can't imagine being with anyone else. I want that life...

I have never met the right person at the right time. I have however, maybe met the right person/s at the wrong time?...Take "Jeremy," the guy from college. I was too young and stupid to realize what a sweetheart he was. He liked me just how I was-- that's not easy to find, especially at age 19!...Then there is "Alex"-- our sexual chemistry is wonderful, and we have great conversation, but he is in a long term relationship that I doubt he will leave. He likes stability, and his girlfriend is stable...I'm just an unemployed, oversexed wierdo....

I would love to have that amazing relationship that combines great sex with great friendship and companionship....Sometimes I wonder if it will ever happen. I always fall for men I can't have...or men I can have, but then when I do want them...I can't have them....GGRR...

I love the idea of growing old with somebody. I hope this happens.

Another Fabulous Round of Insomnia...

Can you sense my sarcasm?...

I have been up since 6 AM. I have no reason to be up this early...it is now 9:30 AM. I was lying in bed and feeling shitty about my general life situation, and just couldn't fall back asleep. So I got up, ate a carton of strawberry pop tarts, puked, and surfed the net. Why? Because I have no life, and have been rather depressed for the last week.

Why depressed?...I've been this way since I was about 14. It runs in the family. But also, there are those special enviromental factors psychologists love to talk about! :) Let's just say I was picked on a lot in adolescence, and somehow never got over it. Yes, it was a long time ago, but my brain never appropriately adapted or something. Little things get to me, and I have trouble getting over the little things. I obsess, I dwell...and when I do these things I get depressed As a result I have a serious lack of motivation and difficulty staying focused on the task at hand.

I've been thinking a lot about "Jeremy" lately. I've been thinking about his perfect life, with his pefect wife, and their perfect baby. I can't help but notice his perfect wife, (who somewhat resembles me), is prettier, potentially skinnier, looks a lot younger than her age, and is most certainly smarter. (You know, the type with a very important job at a young age). I wish I could have that life. As it stands, I will most likely die at a young age, single, because I am a depressive and have no health insurance. I hope I don't get cancer.