I Finally am Getting My Hearing...

For my disability case...For anyone who is not farmiliar with me-- I am a fucked up artist who makes no money. I actually used to be on disability when I was in my early to mid 20's because of my depression/anxiety/bulima...etc...and other assorted issues. I had to be in an eating disorder clinic a couple of times, and also had to hae a blood transfusion once because I was severly anemic....anyway, the long and short of it is I went of disability in my mid twenties because I wanted to try and be "normal."

It didn't work. I pretty much had problems at most of the many jobs I have had since then, as a result of my "problems." For instance, my last full time job I had a couple of panic attacks, started crying, and was subsequently fired. (although a few months after the fact)...then last summer I lost another job because I have trouble concentrating and keep making stupid mistakes...

So I reapplied for disability and got rejected. They said they took my age and education level into consideration. (I only have a bachelor's degree-- and it's useless)!!!-- fine art...Anyway, they also said they found no evidence that I have ever had a disability...Uh...I used to be on disability....dumbasses...there are obviously missing records.

So I got a lawyer, and my hearing is in mid-May. Then at least I can figure out where to proceed from here...It's been 2 years already!!!

Exhibit A: Report Card from 12th Grade...

This is one of the reasons my Dad gets kind of pissed at me. He says he doesn't understand how someone could do so well in school, yet not be able to do something with one's life. (ie: go to graduate school, and or get or hold a job)-- bear in mind I've mostly worked in coffee shops since graduating college, for a mere $7.50 an hour....(and actually I wish I still had one of those jobs-- currently unemployed)...

Anyway, what he does not understand, is that I have severe anxiety, (social and general), bulimia, as well as severe depression, a hairpulling problem which leaves me looking rather "odd," and also a dose of paranoia...not schizo paranoia, but paranoid that I suck and will lose my job. (and this HAS happened before)...

What I am trying to say here, is that academic success at a young age does not mean one will be successful in life. You need to take into consideration emotional IQ-- which is something I lack. (perhaps there is a reason my ex refers to me as "short bus")-- sorry, very un-PC, but you know what I mean.

I no longer have the will power to be skinny...

Maybe it's because I'm getting older...or maybe it's because I've given up hope...I don't know..the only thing I do know is my metabolism has slowed some in the last year or two...yeah, hitting 30 fucking sucks...

I should not go to that "certain guy's" facebook page-- Jeremy, I belive I am calling him...or his wife's page...I can't even get a close up but it is obvious she is TINY!!!!! This was obvisous the one time I met her like 10 years ago when I was on the verge of death and I was like 100 pounds...(by the way, I'm much heavier than that now)...from her pic she couldnt' be more than 110...she' pretty , smart, and married to the one that got away...oh FUcK!!!!!... she was even in the alumni magazine...someone kill me now...well, I have no health care, so there is hope I might get cancer and it will go undetected until I am a week from death...

FUCK!!!!!! :O .....

Another Fabulous Round of Insomnia...

Can you sense my sarcasm?...

I have been up since 6 AM. I have no reason to be up this early...it is now 9:30 AM. I was lying in bed and feeling shitty about my general life situation, and just couldn't fall back asleep. So I got up, ate a carton of strawberry pop tarts, puked, and surfed the net. Why? Because I have no life, and have been rather depressed for the last week.

Why depressed?...I've been this way since I was about 14. It runs in the family. But also, there are those special enviromental factors psychologists love to talk about! :) Let's just say I was picked on a lot in adolescence, and somehow never got over it. Yes, it was a long time ago, but my brain never appropriately adapted or something. Little things get to me, and I have trouble getting over the little things. I obsess, I dwell...and when I do these things I get depressed As a result I have a serious lack of motivation and difficulty staying focused on the task at hand.

I've been thinking a lot about "Jeremy" lately. I've been thinking about his perfect life, with his pefect wife, and their perfect baby. I can't help but notice his perfect wife, (who somewhat resembles me), is prettier, potentially skinnier, looks a lot younger than her age, and is most certainly smarter. (You know, the type with a very important job at a young age). I wish I could have that life. As it stands, I will most likely die at a young age, single, because I am a depressive and have no health insurance. I hope I don't get cancer.

My Former Classmates are Doctors!...Lets Celebrate With Alcohol....

Yes, it is true...They are medical doctors, they are PhD doctors...and they are also lawyers...Me?....I am unemployed and just have a crappy bachelor's degree. Why? Because it was too difficult to pursue further schooling, with my issues of depression, anxiety, and bulimia...(I can't even hold a fucking full time job).

I thought I would celebrate being a loser by enjoying some fine liquer....I had determined 2 months ago my love affair with lady Amaretto must come to and end (as she was making me fat)--lots of calories in that shit...But anyway, I decided to splurge, and go for one more round. (For the record I've gained 7 pounds this year, which is quite noticable on a 5'4 frame)...I have lost 4 of those pounds though, in the last month)...I am slowly getting back to the lower end of average on the body mass index thingie...

By the way, this is another "facebook" post...I recently discovered (and not to my surprise) that a guy friend of mine from the dorms freshman year, is now a medical doctor...Let's call him Gacey the Clown....(he does have a disturbing giggle, and I am running out of aliases for people)...

This was a guy who was very into science, obviously intelligent and was also very into "himself"...you know what I mean?...turns out he still is...No, don't get me wrong, he is a nice guy. He just has a certain way of communicating with me, where it's almost condescending...

For example...one of his friends was one of the few guys to ever kind of "come on" to me in college...When I asked this Gacey the Clown about said friend, and mentioned jokingly that he was always coming on to me, (always talking about his "seed" and such) Gacey's response was "yeah whatever,"...and then he went on rambling about his residency some more...(he said "yeah whatever" in that YEAH right kind of way...

Lovely....Needless to say, I won't be searching for many other friends from my past on Facebook-- too deppresing. (For the record, I've only added like 3, and about 10 have added me-- why? I have no fucking idea-- these people never gave me the time of day back in highg school)...

I might have to delete my facebook account...I'm just so curious about everyone else though!...I'll keep ya posted...

So I joined Facebook...What the Hell Was I Thinking?....

I feel like I just opened a whole new can of worms...

Normally I would not do something like this...Not that I feel there is anything wrong with websites such as Facebook or Myspace...it's just that I am quite guarded about myself with people I know--- especially people from my past. I really don't want all these people to know the extent to which my life sucks...

So how did this happen you may ask?...2 words-- my boyfriend. His brother is on Facebook, and wanted my boyfriend to join. (They're close-- it's very cute-- they talk constantly on the phone and make fun of each other)...So my boyfriend joined, then made me join. Well, OK...he didn't put a gun to my head or anything...but he requested I join so he could have more than one friend...So I joined...

And then something strange happened....4 people from my past popped up and marked me as a friend, or contact...I accetped naturally , as I am always curious what people are up to. 2 of these friend requests really caught me off guard-- people I've never spent time with really...I chatted with them a little in class way back when...and one of them was actually kinda snarky towards me....kind of shocking he added me really...

So the long and short of it...these people now know I'm a self employed artist. I don't know how I feel about this...they may think "hey cool"!...or they may thinking yeah, that means "unemployed"...both of which opinions being correct naturally :O....I just dont' know how I feel about this...two of the people have already googled me and found my art. It's kind of a compliment, but if I fall on my face, have no sales, or have some kinda melt down people may find out...This makes me nervous...

I was always that kid that got picked on, the kid who ate lunch alone...the kid who got good grades, but it didn't matter or get me anywhere because I could not function socially...For the last decade I managed to make myself anonymous to people from my younger years...now because of facebook they found me...I don't know how I feel about this. Perhaps I should delete my account...but then there is this sick fascination with finding people from my past I am curious about...well actually, I hope they find me-- as I am too chicken to approach them...

I Just Lost My Job

Big Fucking Surprise.....

The good news, at least for my own piece of mind....is that my job was "elimintated" because of the economy......they weren't bringing in enough money, so they had to cut corners.... (for the record, I earn about $600 per month).....Perhaps they told me the truth, but I REALLY doubt it....

I never fit in there....The people that work there are "respectable" looking....I am a bit scruffy. I have "trichotillomania", which means I pull my hair out do to anxiety, and have some bald spots. I don't dress in stylish clothing....I have an eating disorder, and am uncomortable in form fitting clothing....to make matters worse, I am at the heaviest weight I've been at since high school...in the last year I've gained almost 10 pounds....

Ok, sorry, that's a side note, and I'm slightly intoxicated...not mega drunk, but a little....I thought I'd console myself and celebrate.....

Anyway, I feel a bit depressed, a bit happy, and a bit lost... I don't know what to do now...Luckily I have an amazingly supportive boyfriend, who seems to love me...why? I don't know, but I'm lucky and he does....I love him too...I admit, I'm often scared he will fuck me over...

Anyway....just why was my postition "eliminated"??? you ask?.... I guess I am still wondering...My job has been on shaky ground for a month or so...I had a phase where I made a bunch of stupid mistakes...but then I was fine...Now they are canning me....in a very "polite" way of course....I was let go in a way where it seemed as if they were really "eliminating" my job...I was told my 2 supervisors were taking over my duties...there are other things going on though, which make me suspuct others are taking over my job...

Maybe it doesn't matter. I didnt' like it there. I wasn't good at it. They knew it, and I knew it...It still hurt my fuckin feelings....I feel like the biggest fucking loser on the planet...If I didn't have my sweetie to help me, and my Dad...I would be homeless and dead...I hope things improve soon...