I can't seemt to stop blogging when I have shit on my mind. It's therapuetic for me I guess. And since I don't have health insurance, or a therapist...I might as well write about it to get it off my chest...
I brought another load of stuff to Sam's house tonight. The last thing I brought in was a sewing machine and the picture Josh gave me. I put it on the kitche table adn said, "look what Josh gave me, isn't that awesome?!?!" Sam said something to the effect of "yeah," and seemed pleasantly surprised...I said I wasn't expecting it at all but I really like it. I also commented I had to get it out of my house before my ex boyfriend saw it. Sam asked me something like, "is he jealous?" I said probably, but there is nothing to be jealous of, because I never slept with Josh. Sam said "there are still things to be jealous of though." I said, "yeah, but I don't think Josh was ever really attracted to me." Sam replied, "well Josh has a type-- he goes for blondes with mega careers, who look like they are 18."...he also made a comment on knowing what your type is doesn't have be be a bad thing. I said "I know." and also something like, well that's part of life...
So Sam basically confirmed I am not Josh's type. It's odd, that one night when we were all drunk (Sam, Kim, and I) he seemed to think I had a shot, as Josh thought my x-rays were pretty hot, adn he requested to see them again. Perhaps Sam has learned something about the situation since then. I have no idea whether or not Sam has discussed any of this with Josh. I felt pretty good this afternoon, but now I feel shot down again.
I told Sam I was going to go and paint, but when I got there I didn't feel like it. I got some takeout and ate it at my studio. Then I came home...
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
And the Plot Thickens...
Wow...well maybe A LITTLE...Maybe I am just wishful thinking.
So I had not been up at my studio since the night Josh left, and as previously stated I didn't see him that one last time. I didn't want to humiliate myself..I popped up there today to bring some art stuff up from my apartment....and what did I find????
An original work of art by Josh. Yes, it is true... :D ....It wasn't one of his huge oil paintings or anything, but still-- wow! I wasn't expecting that at all-- totally caught me off guard. It is one of his abstract drawings of a man and a woman embracing. He wrote a tiny note on the back of one of his business cards, and taped it to the package. Here's what it said:
To Kelly
Sorry it's not the original
you wanted but it's an original
for you! Josh
Wow. This is very flattering. Maybe this means we can in the very least be friends or something? I want to call and thank him but I am nervous. I really should though...Perhaps I should show this to Sam and get his opinion on the matter. He knows Josh well, and also knows how I feel about him. As shitty as I have been feeling about the situation, this makes me feel a little better at least :)
So I had not been up at my studio since the night Josh left, and as previously stated I didn't see him that one last time. I didn't want to humiliate myself..I popped up there today to bring some art stuff up from my apartment....and what did I find????
An original work of art by Josh. Yes, it is true... :D ....It wasn't one of his huge oil paintings or anything, but still-- wow! I wasn't expecting that at all-- totally caught me off guard. It is one of his abstract drawings of a man and a woman embracing. He wrote a tiny note on the back of one of his business cards, and taped it to the package. Here's what it said:
To Kelly
Sorry it's not the original
you wanted but it's an original
for you! Josh
Wow. This is very flattering. Maybe this means we can in the very least be friends or something? I want to call and thank him but I am nervous. I really should though...Perhaps I should show this to Sam and get his opinion on the matter. He knows Josh well, and also knows how I feel about him. As shitty as I have been feeling about the situation, this makes me feel a little better at least :)
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Josh is Gone...Back to Reality...
Kind of....
I took the day off today. I haven't taken a day off from going to the studios in over a month. This happened for a couple reasons:
1) I have really been into the painting I have been working on
2) Wanted to have every opportunity to potentially spend time with Josh
Being there did not help the Josh situation. Perhaps he just thought-- man! that girl doesn't have a life...who knows, but anyway, I took a day off, just like back in the days when I was still with my ex-boyfriend and not chasing the boys at the studios...
I actually went and did some errands with Sam today, as he is temporarily without a car, and I will be moving in with him during the next week or so...I met the dog today too! She's a sweetie :)-- I am very much looking forward to having a dog, I think it will be therapuetic...sometimes I have significant issues with social anxiety, even around Sam occassionaly-- so the dog will help. I am fairly comfortable with Sam though, more so than most people in my city..
I also went through some of my stuff and boxed up some things for the move. I think I may bring the first load over tomorrow...it is time for me to focus on my shit...
I took the day off today. I haven't taken a day off from going to the studios in over a month. This happened for a couple reasons:
1) I have really been into the painting I have been working on
2) Wanted to have every opportunity to potentially spend time with Josh
Being there did not help the Josh situation. Perhaps he just thought-- man! that girl doesn't have a life...who knows, but anyway, I took a day off, just like back in the days when I was still with my ex-boyfriend and not chasing the boys at the studios...
I actually went and did some errands with Sam today, as he is temporarily without a car, and I will be moving in with him during the next week or so...I met the dog today too! She's a sweetie :)-- I am very much looking forward to having a dog, I think it will be therapuetic...sometimes I have significant issues with social anxiety, even around Sam occassionaly-- so the dog will help. I am fairly comfortable with Sam though, more so than most people in my city..
I also went through some of my stuff and boxed up some things for the move. I think I may bring the first load over tomorrow...it is time for me to focus on my shit...
Monday, June 1, 2009
No Goodbyes...
No fanfare...nothing...
Perhaps it is best this way. I saw Josh briefly today, as he was in and out of the studio moving stuff to his vehicle. There was brief, normal chit chat that co-workers would have, but nothing special. I left around 5:30 and was at home for almost 2 hours. I then returned to my studio and saw he had been back in my absence, and had taken what was most likely the second to last load. I stuck around for about a half hour. I actually felt like painting, but felt odd being there. When he showed up for the last load I didn't want him to think I was waiting for him, like a fucking stalker or something...
I kind of wanted a last goodbye, but at the same time it would be hard. Particularly because he is moving, and apparently not into me. It would be like pouring salt in the wound. I have already had enough awkwardness with him in the last month. He knows how I feel about things, and he doesn't want to go there. Why make his last night here awkward for him. Or for me. He pulls out of town around 6 AM tomorrow.
Perhaps it is best this way. I saw Josh briefly today, as he was in and out of the studio moving stuff to his vehicle. There was brief, normal chit chat that co-workers would have, but nothing special. I left around 5:30 and was at home for almost 2 hours. I then returned to my studio and saw he had been back in my absence, and had taken what was most likely the second to last load. I stuck around for about a half hour. I actually felt like painting, but felt odd being there. When he showed up for the last load I didn't want him to think I was waiting for him, like a fucking stalker or something...
I kind of wanted a last goodbye, but at the same time it would be hard. Particularly because he is moving, and apparently not into me. It would be like pouring salt in the wound. I have already had enough awkwardness with him in the last month. He knows how I feel about things, and he doesn't want to go there. Why make his last night here awkward for him. Or for me. He pulls out of town around 6 AM tomorrow.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
I'm Really Glad the Mercury Retrograde is Over...
For those of you out there in cyberspace who are not familiar with mercury in retrograde, it basically means communications get totally fucked up. This explains some of the Josh problems perhaps...
Today we had a slightly normal conversation. He was up at the studio doing some things to get his studio in order and he chatted with me a bit. We talked about the career stuff and he said he got so frustrated when he talked to me about this, as he is under the impression I don't know what I want to do. I said I know, we don't have to talk about it. I tried to explain to him again, that I do want to do art for a living, but I am very practical and like to have a steady paycheck. I said I am trying to decide on what type of day job to support my art, until the art takes off (or if it doesn't). I THINK he kind of gets where I am coming from now, even though it drives him nuts....
I felt kind of stupid, so I began to walk away, and he then said I hope you don't think I am being too hard on you. I said I didn't think he was being too hard on me, but he did hurt my feelings a few days ago when he said no one here has any hopes and dreams, and he lumped me into that category. He said he was sorry. I said it's OK. Maybe now that the retrograde is over he gets where I'm coming from a little more.
We also talked a bit about his plans for the week as he arrives in his new city. He'll be getting furniture and such, and then he will start to paint again, etc....
On another interesting side note: my exboyfriend was cleaning his stuff out of my apartment last night, and had a spare key. So he bursts into my apartment at 2 AM, when I am asleep and says something to the effect of: "I"m taking the external harddrive!...and who are you out sleeping with?!?!" I was groggy and half asleep adn told him the truth-- I'm not sleeping with anybody.
Unfortunatley, I have no sex life...
Today we had a slightly normal conversation. He was up at the studio doing some things to get his studio in order and he chatted with me a bit. We talked about the career stuff and he said he got so frustrated when he talked to me about this, as he is under the impression I don't know what I want to do. I said I know, we don't have to talk about it. I tried to explain to him again, that I do want to do art for a living, but I am very practical and like to have a steady paycheck. I said I am trying to decide on what type of day job to support my art, until the art takes off (or if it doesn't). I THINK he kind of gets where I am coming from now, even though it drives him nuts....
I felt kind of stupid, so I began to walk away, and he then said I hope you don't think I am being too hard on you. I said I didn't think he was being too hard on me, but he did hurt my feelings a few days ago when he said no one here has any hopes and dreams, and he lumped me into that category. He said he was sorry. I said it's OK. Maybe now that the retrograde is over he gets where I'm coming from a little more.
We also talked a bit about his plans for the week as he arrives in his new city. He'll be getting furniture and such, and then he will start to paint again, etc....
On another interesting side note: my exboyfriend was cleaning his stuff out of my apartment last night, and had a spare key. So he bursts into my apartment at 2 AM, when I am asleep and says something to the effect of: "I"m taking the external harddrive!...and who are you out sleeping with?!?!" I was groggy and half asleep adn told him the truth-- I'm not sleeping with anybody.
Unfortunatley, I have no sex life...
It's Over, No Hope..
With Josh I mean. More than apparent. We had a little party for him up at the studios. I had plenty of liquor...Josh was jovial. At one point when I was pouring myself some more tequilla Sam said, "I caught ya!" Apparently I am getting a reputation as a partier...anyway...
At one point David said something like, "if a guy ever sings you this song, then you know he loves you'"...etc...I said no man has ever sung me a song, but my ex did buy me roses on occassion. I also said I knew I was probably going to be alone and that I will be a wierd old dog lady...Josh said, "With an attitude like that you will be!"...he's a happy guy and does not like pessimists..he hung out with us artists for a couple of hours, but didn't really look at me while he told his stories. Later I chatted with him alone briefly. I asked him about his earliest childhood memory and he said it was probably when he went to kindergarden...I recall he also said I should not be so hard on myself. Yeah...that's easy...then he left the party to go hang out with some other friends.
At one point David said something like, "if a guy ever sings you this song, then you know he loves you'"...etc...I said no man has ever sung me a song, but my ex did buy me roses on occassion. I also said I knew I was probably going to be alone and that I will be a wierd old dog lady...Josh said, "With an attitude like that you will be!"...he's a happy guy and does not like pessimists..he hung out with us artists for a couple of hours, but didn't really look at me while he told his stories. Later I chatted with him alone briefly. I asked him about his earliest childhood memory and he said it was probably when he went to kindergarden...I recall he also said I should not be so hard on myself. Yeah...that's easy...then he left the party to go hang out with some other friends.
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Perhaps I Will Never Be Invited to a Party Again... :O
Apparently the girl who's bed I broke is REALLY pissed. That is understandable. I said I would pay for it though, even though I am tight on cash. She felt she was totally disrespected and stuff. I would never go in to someones home and break something intentionally (or non-intentionally) and just blow it off and not feel bad. So anyway, her boyfriend called this morning about the bed and I agreed to give them $200 for the bed. She is pissed though, because it is an Ikea bed, and the shipping would be over $350 in addition to the cost of the bed. So the long and short of it is that they will be getting a new bed, but not Ikea, which I will pay for, and she is still pissed. The embarrassing part is that most of the people at this party work in the same place I do, though they are not artists. Josh was there too. Another reason for him to think I am an insane irresponsible person. Great. I seem to keep making matters worse for myself.
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