Being Attractive By Being You...

This is a really cool post I read on another blog:

http://tobeme.wordpress.com/2009/08/28/being-attrative-by-being-you/#comment-15369

After reading this I couldnt help but aske myself, who the hell am I? I really don't feel attractive, though I recently started dating this hot air force guy within the last month. I have grown more and more insecure over the past week. After reading this post I wonder if it's because I am not being myself...so the question then is
WHO AM I???? Maybe if I figure it out and just be myself, I will feel better...However, I do find when I am being myself I am often ridiculted or critized, because part of being me is being hyper and vulger...Here's who I am...Who are you?

I am:

1) hyper and occassionally obnoxious...(surely someone out there may appreciate this, right)????

2) a romantic, although I am a tomboy

3) I swear like a sailor (bothers most people)

4) I am a good drawer, an OK painter

5) I love animals, especially dogs

6) I feel comfortable in comfortable loose fitting clothing...I don't like dressing seductively...I don't mind dressing "cute" though...

7) I am completely insecure...especially about my body and also my lack of career and money...

8) I want to grow old with a wonderful man and watch the sunset on the porch...with the dog of course...

9) I enjoy repetitive boring activities, and prefer not to deal with intense interpersonal situations with people I don't know...I have social anxiety problems...I should be an accountant...but I'm also scared of complicated computer programs and going back to school..

10) I fear life

IN SUMMARY: Being myself means accepting that I am insecure, and only deal with people who don't mind that I am a scrappy hyper tomboy who happens to swear a lot...no wonder I don't attract anyone...would this actually attract anyone???

I am in the dark place today...

The Tech School Tour..

It went well. I liked the bulding, I liked the teachers...but do I really want to go back to school for 2 years, to have a starting wage of roughly $10 per hour??? That is the question...well, one of them.

I already have a bachelor's degree (art), and I have already had jobs that pay this much, though I didn't really like any of them. I'm sick of being broke. As much as I love animals I may have to pursue another route to support my art habit. Accounting makes the most sense right now, as it would go hand in hand with having my own business...the next questions is, what type of schooling or degree...

this sucks, why didn't I do something about his years ago. Oh wait, I was really fucked up. Like more so than I am currently.

So I Have an Appointment To Go on a Tour of a Local Tech School

To check out their vet tech program...funny how quickly I change tunes, right??? Ok, I really love dogs...Only problem is bet techs dont' get paid shit, especially in my portions of the country, so I am having doubts already...

I don't know if I am going to do it...maybe I should stick with the med assistant idea adn shit...I don't know...I just want to get married and be an artist/housewife...is that bad???? I feel like that is bad, and I am not supposed to feel that way, as a result of the baby boomers, gen x, and gen y (and for the record, I am at the end of gen x)...I am confused...

Oh my god...I think I have a Plan..

Something just clicked in my head:

1) take a non-credit quickbooks class (for my own purposes)
2) get a tech diploma-- either a medical assistant or LPN (probably medical assistant)
3) take college level transfer classes and then try to get into school to be a physician's assistant..

why? Here's why:

I have been fascinated with medical science for the last 7 years. If I get a tech/degree or diploma I will at least have a "practical" skill to help makes ends meet. Maybe $25,000 k a year? Not much, but enough to get by...I would love to go to med school, but that may be too daunting...maybe I could handle school for a physician's assistant...my aunt does it, and she doesn't seem much smarter than I am, in terms of IQ...more grounded perhaps (she's in her 50's though)...and quickbooks??? because it would help me with my art shit...and I still do have a curiosity about accounting-- this non-credit class would help give me an idea I believe...

So there you have it. Let's see if I can do it...I would like to thank all my art friends who are driven and successful, as well as the all men who have fucked me over-- they have all inspired me to improve my life and become self sufficient...

Life's Milestones...

So I've been thinking about what a lot of people my age have accomplished this far, and decided to see how I measure up. Yeah, perhaps junenille and stupid, but when it's night, and I'm alone, and I can't sleep...I can't help but write. So here we go...at at 31.5 years many people in the United States (that I grew up with)

1) are married-- NO for me
2) have kids-- NO for me
3) have a career-- NO for me
4) are above the poverty line-- NO for me


OK, pathetic and self indulgent, but I thought I would mention these things. This post was inspired by my college buddy adn his wife who works for the government. Apparently she is writing a book, and it is almost done. Yeah. Glad he picked the right girl. He could have ended up with a dud like me. Yeah...

Here's what I have going for me though:

1) I am a painter with my own art studio (even if my Dad is paying the rent)
2) I moved across the country from home (some people are afraid to do that)

umm...that's about it...I feel behind on the life's milestones...I think it is in part because i want to be a housewife/artist with a kid or two and a wonderful husband....not sure if I'll ever get there but I can hope right????

I am Scared of Life...

I think perhaps this is my biggest problem. That and the fact that I am a perfectionist. I worry that if I screw up (whatever it is I am doing) I will ruin my future chances...of whatever...I am also so afraid of failure I often don't try things....

Let me put it to you this way. I did well in school. I have book smarts, and went to a college that is ranked in the top 50 in the entire country. I will say though, back when I went it was easier to get in. Not sure if I could get in now...But if I could do that, and still did well, (even though I went part time)...it leads me to believe that fear of failure is what is holding me back. Now, if kids I went to high school with, who barely pulled of b's and c's are now nurses, you would think I could do more than work in a coffee shop for $7 an hour...

Maybe I just need to not be so scared and do SOMETHING. I am thinking a tech degree. I already have a bachelors...(in art, so it's pretty useless)....I need something to earn $25,000 to $30,000 per year. I think then I would be self sufficient. Not living high on the hog obviously, but enough to pay my own bills...no help from my dad.

Why am I so fucking scared of everything? Oh wait, it's because I don't want to fuck up. But wait, by not trying I am fucking up. I really want to go to med school. I fear though I will have a nervous breakdown trying...and I still would need to do like 2 more years of undergrad science...uh...maybe not a good idea....I would really like that though!!! ;)

This fear of life, failure and everything has affected my relationships with men too...I have let too many men (and boys when I was younger) just float on by, figuring they would leave anyway. Perhaps this was a self fulfilling profecy.....I could have had sex that one time with Josh, and now he's gone...one minor example, but you know??? man...

I need to not be so scared of everything and do SOMETHING.....Yeah, I've been out of school so long maybe a diploma program or tech degree...

New Years Resolutions...6 Months Later...

Here is what I wrote 6 months ago, and how I am doing with said resolutions:

1) be more productive as an artist...

I think I have been. Josh has helped motivate me in the past couple of months...Since December I have sold 4 originals and many prints...I started painting at night and am more productive as an artist...not self sufficent, but definitely more productive, and selling more at my stuidio...

1B) dont' let my depression anxiety issues prevent me from doing art-- do some anyway-- even if it's shitty...

I'm doing the art anyway!!!! Again, thank Josh for that one...for a while there (this spring)...I was at the studios at night a lot, partially because i knew he would be there(this spring, and partially because i had an inkling he would be there...and I discovered I work betyer at night..I have painted more and longer...

2) don't get involved with men who are bad for me-- better to be single and less insane....

Um...this is complicated...there was Sam, and also (kinda Josh)...I will blame this on the booze...however...I am behaving now, for the most part, and am not involved with anyone...as much as I would love to be involved with Josh...he is in another city 10 hours away though...I am at a point in my life where I am having a little more self respect and don't want to sleep with anyone unless I love them and they treat me well..the last time I had sex with Sam he wouldn't even kiss me...I DON'T want that...I want love and passion and romance...or nothing at all...which reminds me...I haven 't had sex in a month and a half...almost 2 months????

3) less booze-- it's making me fat, giving me more lines, and making me feel a bit drained. Don't get me wrong people, I don't drink during the day or anything, but I don't want it to age me...I like to have some once in a while though, cause it mellow me out. Maybe twice a week?

I am doing a little better with this. I don't drink tequilla or hard liquor every night. I now drink beer or wine. Basically I have cut down on the hard core shit in a big way, but am still drinking the softer stuff for the time being...I did enough stupid shit this year to reealize too much drinking makes me do stupid shit.


4) start doing yoga again-- I miss having abs. I used to be skinny and rather toned

OK, I have not yet conquered this yet...still need to..

4b) get back down to 112 pounds and have abs (relates to doing yoga, less booze...less bad food too)...

the last time I weighed myself I was at about 115 (2 weeks ago)... This is 7 pounds less than a year ago, and 1 pound less than what I weighed 2 years ago when I first moved to this new city and started eating a lot of fatty foods and drinking too much...I am getting closer to this goal... I do need to work on my abs though...

5) don't let the "Alex" thing depress me-- he was an asshole anyway...good thing I found about before I was involved with him longer...

refer to 5B

5b) don't let the "alex" shit prevent me from being a productive artist

Oddly enough, the Josh thing helped me get over Alex. I can safely say now I am over Alex and am more productive of an artist. No matter how hot the sex was with Alex, I would not want to be with someone who treated me that way. How can you make love to someone on multiple occasions and just break off all contact??? Heartless asshole. I don't want a heartless asshole...i want someone who treats me with love and respect

6) take multivitamins and eat more vegetables

I started taking the multivitamins again this week...I'm doing so so on eating more vegetables...I don't eat them everyday, but have been eating more salads as of late...



7) be OK with getting older, being single, having no career, and doing nothing impressive with my life...it's oK to be sub-par...fuck what my asshole family thinks. they can take their precious master's degrees and shove them up their ass...

AMAZINGLY...I have gotten a bit better with this too...I would rather be single than be in a shitty relationship...I would rather be poor, yet getting by, than doing a job I hate, and which makes me miserable...I still kind of want a master's degree...but only if it fits my life aims...

OVERALL:...Holy shit-- I've done pretty well on the New Year's Resolutions thus far!!