The Panic of Aging...

I have nothing against aging persay-- it is unavoidable. What freaks me out is that I am at an age where I feel very "behind" my peers. Almost delayed perhaps-- and I feel like it's too late to catch up. I am referring to a lack of career and any basic job skills of course. So much has changed since I was in college-- it's all technology now, I feel to intimidated and too old to go back. I know it's not a competition, and I don't look at it as so. I just don't like feeling like a loser. Do I really want my Dad paying my rent when I am 40? What happened to my life??? I am thankful for the help of course, don't get me wrong.

Every year that goes by I feel I have wasted-- another year of schooling, etc..gone by.

I'm Starting to Look my Age...

And it's really pissing me off!!!! Ok, I still get people thinking I'm in my twenties, and I'm in my early 30's. But something has shifted in the last 2 years. Basically I have more lines, and deeper lines. And also quite a bit of gray in my temples. I think that is either from stress or tequila. (Although I cut down on the alcohol because it was making me chubby). Anyway, I'm not liking my appearance these days, and really don't want to resort to botox. I don't think I can afford botox anyway...

I realize perhaps I am focusing on my aging, because other aspects of my life are not going well. (ie: broke, no career, and no boyfriend)...I need something to feel good about...I hope I sell a large original painting soon..

Re-Assessing Survival/Life Goals...

The last 3 months have fucking sucked ass. My ex boyfriend the alcholic almost made me homeless. (Long story)...The guy I fell in love with (and was stupid enough to cheat with) started ignoring me as a result (and was fucking yet another girl, other than me or his wife)....and I have no fucking income to speak of...my 63 year old father is paying my rent...and at my age, I know how pathetic that is...

I need to find a way to be self sufficent. Even if it means earning $7 per hour and living in a fucking trailor park. I hate my life. I don't hate men, but hate the men who have been involved in my life recently. I can't rely on them. I can only rely on myself. The scary part or course, is I have no job skills, other than the ability to draw a pretty picture-- not that that ever got me anywhere...

I am alone adn need to except that. I really wanted to get married someday, and maybe have a kid. I don't think that can/will happen though. I have maye 10 years left at best, or I'll have one of those "Palin babies"-- if you know what I mean...not to be un-PC, but seriously, a woman only has so long...

I need to change my life, but I don't know how. I've always been a sqaure peg trying to fit into a round hole. These are not good odds...

How did I get so Old????

It seems like just yesterday I was 10 years old. Now I'm in my early 30's and have wrinkles...How the hell did that happen?

I've had the fine lines for a few years now, but this past year they've become more pronounced. I don't have the energy I used to either. My metabolism is slowing down, and I can't loose the last 3 pounds. Yes, I am fat, old, and wrinkly....

I don't care if other people have these characteristics-- I just don't want them. I suppose there's nothing I can do about the wrinkles, short of botox and plastic surgery. I don't want a frozen forehead though...not a good look in my opinion...

I guess a big part of the issue is I don't feel my life truly resembles that of an "adult." I don't have gainful employment, health care, a marriage, or a house...

I'm going to be a weird old cat lady...except I'll have dogs. I will dress them in cute clothiing and give them odd names, like Electronic Fizzlepie...or maybe Amsterdam "the snake" Roberts...