I Think I am Ready to Let go of my Ex...

For real, actually. I have been reluctant to remove my alcohohlic ex-boyfriend from my life, as I have often felt I don't really have much of a "support system" here so to speak. (I am a long way from home). Anyway, at this point perhaps I have enough friends where I will be "OK." I am broke and don't have a job, but not as scared as I was a few months ago. I am simplifying my life. I am eating sandwhiches instead of going out to buy a burger. I am probably going to move in with one of my artist friends when my lease is up in 2 months.

I can't deal with the drama anymore. My ex called me in the middle of the night, saying he was drunk and he wanted me to come over. I can't do that anymore. I'm not going to do that anymore.

2 Months of Shit...

And you know I am not referring to the substance that comes out of your ass. I am referring to all the drama with my drunk, unemployed ex-boyfriend. He is still in my apartment, and of course, still drunk and unemployed. It is not good. He needs to go.

The situation has caused me to age a lot, even in just 2 months. I am getting a lot of gray hair in my temples, and I am only in my early 30's. What the hell is up with that?...Must be stress. Basically I am dealing with an irritable asshole, and we have had a lot of fights as a result. He tells me all these stories, like "I'm starting my job on Tuesday," or my parents are sending my this check for $2,000 so I can take that apartment>"....and of course they all turn out to be lies. (FUCK HEAD)...

To top it off a neighbor knocked on the door 2 nights ago and informed us we were about to loose our apartment. He is the building busy body. I was really freaked out at the time, and explained the situation briefly, and said my boyfriend would be moving soon. I ran into the busy body the next day, and he said he "had to talk to" me about the situation. He also said he was calling my landlord. (said that the night before). To appease the situation I put a note under the neighbors door, telling him there would be no more loud arguments, and that my ex is leaving soon). It really fucking pisses me off how nosy he is though. You dont' like yelling, fine. so be it. whatever. You talked to me once, I'm not talking about the details with you, let alone talk to you about it over and over-- your'e not my landlord!!! (sorry-tangent)-- this guy is a total pill though. There are at least a handful of people in the building who don't like him (myself now included)

So anyway, I may be homeless if the asshole doens't leave. And of course he will only leave if I pay for it. (FUCKER)...long story.

dude, I'm tired...

The last month has been really draining. There was my ex relapsing, leading to our breakup, "alex" no longer speaking to me...and all the depression that resulted from this crap.

My ex has not moved out yet, but is looking at apartments. I will miss him in a way, but can't deal with the drama anymore. I am really tired, emotionally and physically. I have gained weight. I feel like a pig.

Here's What's Going On Part 2...

OK, so my boyfriend is sober for NOW...Not that this reasures me...I know there is always a "next time"

I feel stuck...I have no money and no career prospects. He helps pays the bills. He doesn't have a lot, but it makes up for what I cannota do. I am becoming one of those woman I hate. I don't want to be with someone because he helps pay the bills. Our lives are depressing beyond belief.

I can't exactly go out a get a part time, or full time job for a couple of reasons...
1) I will get fired anyway-- my concentration is for shit, and I dont' interact well with other...I have a paranoid version of social anxiety...
2) I have a pending disability case...I was denied twice (even though I used to be on it oddly enough) adn now I had to hire a laywer to help me...now if I even try to work, I am fucked...but I'd get fired anyway cause I suck so I'm fucked anyway...

and to top it off "Alex" is now ignoring me, because he most likely does not want to deal with all this drama...I called him for a ride on the night my asshole boyfriend relapsed...he didn't give me one, told me to call the cops, said he would call me in the morning...adn then did not...He's been ignoring me for a week and a half...

ASSHOLE!!!!! (then why do i miss him)?

Shit Hits the Fan...

Did I mention my boyfriend of almost 4 years is a recovering alcholic? yeah...and I mean a bad one-- think rehab 5 times and multiple suicde attempts.

Well, I went to bed abnormally early last night, and woke up around 1:30 AM, only to find him drinking whiskey. Shit! (He's currently still in bed, most likely with a hangover)...

One of two things can happend now:

1) he sobers up, and goes back to work on Thursday (he has a couple of days off)..

2) he goes on a drinking binge, most likely followed by a suicide attempt...

I really hope #1 is the path he follows. I am so sick of dealing with this shit. I used to be sweet and nurturing about all this, but I jsut can't take it anymore. My caregiving skills are wearing out, I have so many of my own problems...

I'll keep you updated...