No Word From Josh...

Granted, it's only been a few days, but still....I feel that my most recent email was a bit to rambling, and perhaps the straw that broke the camels back. If that is even really possible at this point)...I wonder if it was apparent I was totally bombed at the time I wrote it. He once said he doesn't want to date anyone too much like him. Josh drinks a lot. I drink a lot. He's been in rehab. I have not. Let's just say I like to get shitfaced, but I function. Josh reached a stage where he cut down on the hard stuff, and he now drinks a six pack every night. Once in a while he goes out and gets shit faced. He admits he has trouble once he goes for the hard stuff. Anyway, my point is that I fear he thinks I am a drunk. I hope he does not think that. I do like to drink, I won't deny that. I dont' think I've reaches the status yet though, of being a drunk. I suppose it doesn't matter anyway. He is gone. I miss him. Sam ran into one of his friends today while we were at the vet getting our dog fixed. Sam mentioned he would be going down to Josh's new city to visit. I wish I could come. I won't ask of course...I feel like an ass as it is. Anyway, I'm sure Sam will want me to watch the dog. Tonight Sam is trying to seduce "Asheley." They are currently in the backyard doing some kind of candle light thing...I'm glad I figured Sam out before I actually fell for him. That dude is fickle. One minute he was in love with Kim, and then it was back to Ashley...and then the Asian nurse, and now back to Ashely...this is why I try not to get involved with younger men...

I Think I am Ready to Let go of my Ex...

For real, actually. I have been reluctant to remove my alcohohlic ex-boyfriend from my life, as I have often felt I don't really have much of a "support system" here so to speak. (I am a long way from home). Anyway, at this point perhaps I have enough friends where I will be "OK." I am broke and don't have a job, but not as scared as I was a few months ago. I am simplifying my life. I am eating sandwhiches instead of going out to buy a burger. I am probably going to move in with one of my artist friends when my lease is up in 2 months.

I can't deal with the drama anymore. My ex called me in the middle of the night, saying he was drunk and he wanted me to come over. I can't do that anymore. I'm not going to do that anymore.

2 Months of Shit...

And you know I am not referring to the substance that comes out of your ass. I am referring to all the drama with my drunk, unemployed ex-boyfriend. He is still in my apartment, and of course, still drunk and unemployed. It is not good. He needs to go.

The situation has caused me to age a lot, even in just 2 months. I am getting a lot of gray hair in my temples, and I am only in my early 30's. What the hell is up with that?...Must be stress. Basically I am dealing with an irritable asshole, and we have had a lot of fights as a result. He tells me all these stories, like "I'm starting my job on Tuesday," or my parents are sending my this check for $2,000 so I can take that apartment>"....and of course they all turn out to be lies. (FUCK HEAD)...

To top it off a neighbor knocked on the door 2 nights ago and informed us we were about to loose our apartment. He is the building busy body. I was really freaked out at the time, and explained the situation briefly, and said my boyfriend would be moving soon. I ran into the busy body the next day, and he said he "had to talk to" me about the situation. He also said he was calling my landlord. (said that the night before). To appease the situation I put a note under the neighbors door, telling him there would be no more loud arguments, and that my ex is leaving soon). It really fucking pisses me off how nosy he is though. You dont' like yelling, fine. so be it. whatever. You talked to me once, I'm not talking about the details with you, let alone talk to you about it over and over-- your'e not my landlord!!! (sorry-tangent)-- this guy is a total pill though. There are at least a handful of people in the building who don't like him (myself now included)

So anyway, I may be homeless if the asshole doens't leave. And of course he will only leave if I pay for it. (FUCKER)...long story.

dude, I'm tired...

The last month has been really draining. There was my ex relapsing, leading to our breakup, "alex" no longer speaking to me...and all the depression that resulted from this crap.

My ex has not moved out yet, but is looking at apartments. I will miss him in a way, but can't deal with the drama anymore. I am really tired, emotionally and physically. I have gained weight. I feel like a pig.

Here's What's Going On...

So my boyfriend (soon to be ex boyfriend), was fired from yet another job. He then proceeded to go on a 5 day drinking binge and did not help me pay any of the bills this month. (So my checking account has mostly been depleted)...

He wound up in the ER on Thanksgiving, and they locked him up in some hospital (a state hostpital)? until Monday. I don't even know exactly where they are keeping him because I won't answer his phone calls. I talked to him once and said I don't want to talk to him. He called me like crazy on Friday and part of yesterday, but now he finally stopped calling. (Good)...

I don't know what will happen when he gets out. I think he is out of money, but maybe he has a little of his last paycheck left to buy more booze. Or maybe he'll start pawning my shit again like he used to do (my DVD's)-- asshole...

I am doing all this blogging on his computer, so when we break up I might not be able to blog for awhile, unless I find another computer to use. I am supossedly getting the internet turned off on Tuesday...I am waveringn on this issue, but I know I should...

So My Boyfriend was Drinking Mouthwash Tonight...

Yeah, that's never a good sign...He had a small relapse 2 days ago, and now he was drinking mouth wash. It got him visibly drunk, and then he puked.

This is quite the life I have made for myself. Why was I not drown at birth or something?...Seriously though. I have known for a LONG time it wouldn't work, but I feel almost reponsible for him in a way. I worry he will die or something if I leave. And I do care about him, he's a sweetie. But he's also a drunk with no libido.

I find myself looking at couples who have been together for YEARS and I feel so jealous. I wish I could have that. I'm not really the type to date around a lot. I love the idea of being with someone forever, I just don't know if it's possible. For me anyway-- I would drive any man nuts with all my anxiety problems....and I have, the few boyfriends I have had.

Supposedly he is going to AA tomorrow with his boss of all people. Turns out he is a recovering alcholic too. Should be interesting.

Shit Hits the Fan...

Did I mention my boyfriend of almost 4 years is a recovering alcholic? yeah...and I mean a bad one-- think rehab 5 times and multiple suicde attempts.

Well, I went to bed abnormally early last night, and woke up around 1:30 AM, only to find him drinking whiskey. Shit! (He's currently still in bed, most likely with a hangover)...

One of two things can happend now:

1) he sobers up, and goes back to work on Thursday (he has a couple of days off)..

2) he goes on a drinking binge, most likely followed by a suicide attempt...

I really hope #1 is the path he follows. I am so sick of dealing with this shit. I used to be sweet and nurturing about all this, but I jsut can't take it anymore. My caregiving skills are wearing out, I have so many of my own problems...

I'll keep you updated...